Empathy or guilt?

[Think About It...]

Do BPD's look for some kind of endorsement from past partners when they finally settle down and have a family with someone.

I get the feeling that because I eventually spoke with my ex gf she feels she has been excused from what she did and blessed for what she now has ie two kids, a man and a home. Is this a form of empathy or guilt?

[Ripples]

Do BPD's look for some kind of endorsement from past partners when they finally settle down and have a family with someone.

I get the feeling that because I eventually spoke with my ex gf she feels she has been excused from what she did and blessed for what she now has ie two kids, a man and a home. Is this a form of empathy or guilt?

[krista8521]

Hello,

My personal belief, they have little remorse or empathy.

What they seek in this situation is reassurance that you have no new person in your life, thus not having any of those feelings of jealousy, loss, etc..

BPD'S never see personal faults, she wants you to see "how right she was, and look at me how good I did" but if you had x-ray eyes, you will see that she has simply made another persons life hell.
She's still deep down inside as miserable as she was with you.

Remember a majority of the time, you were not the cause of her misery, she is her own misery.

Guilt and empathy are not a BPD'S strong points

[Ripples]

Thank you Krista,

I think you are right about what you say. A lot of her effort is about building and maintaining her image of a settled, happy life. Perhaps she genuinely is I dont know however, I do get the feeling there is always an undercurrent of jealousy. Its like she wants to know that my life is not better than hers. I guess in order to find out what my life is about she has to "display" a deal of empathy otherwise I would not be drawn into her web!

[NewPhoenixRising]

Since a pwBPD's ruling fear is abandonement, she may be happy to know that you didn't totally put her out of your mind, or if she left you, reassurance that she abandoned you - you didn't abandon her.

If she is strongly BPD, I agree with krista.  Their feelings of guilt or shame are rejected quickly and turned into some other emotion.  The shame at their core is too painful to deal with (too full), so they reject it and often turn it into rage (which they can project outward). 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[BDFriend]

I still have a hard time understanding how someone could be "missing" guilt and empathy.  I understand it's their brain, but still..

I'm guessing that's why they can switch us off (discard) so incredibly easy. Add object constancy and poof we're gone. Left to fall long and hard from that pedestal we were on in the very beginning.

It's also so bizarre that they don't care. That's the long and short of it. They don't care about us.

I'm often curious if they *ever* miss us.  I don't think that plays any role in recycling or does it?

[krista8521]

Ripples, you will see if my theroy about her being peachy now is true or not, just wait until you do meet someone special, and watch the horns come out!

BD FRIEND, I dont think they miss us in the way you and I would miss a partner, they miss what you did for them and what they got from you. But not missing just a persons soul or personality.
sad, but true.

[BDFriend]

Thanks Krista!

It is very sad.