No feelings?

[Think About It...]

I've been offline a while, but mostly things have been going better than before... Maybe it's the therapy, maybe it's the medication, who knows. Who cares, as long as it's working.

But today, something happened that triggered it.

It was our son's birthday party. And only my wife's friends were invited. She had actually sent me an email earlier this week saying she was sorry my friends were not invited but that she just couldn't handle it at this point.

We were picking up the cake for him. I had suggested that we use a local bakery, since I like to support local businesses, and I feel that a local small bakery cake would be higher quality than a supermarket cake. But my wife didn't want to go there. But yet, she took my criticism of the supermarket cake as a personal insult towards her. Fine, I've felt like that in the past - when someone criticizes something that's related to me, I take it as a personal insult. I get the connection.

As things got more heated up she said to me "Well you just have no emotions at all." I think it came up as because I said to her that there is no need to get upset, I wasn't criticizing her.

But that stopped me. I thought that was a huge insult.

Some time ago I came to a realization that I was codependent towards my wife. I put her feelings (which since she is an uBPD, can be quite a ride as you know) before mine. But that doesn't mean I didn't have any. And now that I've been going to therapy, and overall being more mindful about myself, I don't think I do that anymore. At least not as much.

But it's odd how much it hurts someone who apparently has no feelings.

[addicted2pizza]

I've been offline a while, but mostly things have been going better than before... Maybe it's the therapy, maybe it's the medication, who knows. Who cares, as long as it's working.

But today, something happened that triggered it.

It was our son's birthday party. And only my wife's friends were invited. She had actually sent me an email earlier this week saying she was sorry my friends were not invited but that she just couldn't handle it at this point.

We were picking up the cake for him. I had suggested that we use a local bakery, since I like to support local businesses, and I feel that a local small bakery cake would be higher quality than a supermarket cake. But my wife didn't want to go there. But yet, she took my criticism of the supermarket cake as a personal insult towards her. Fine, I've felt like that in the past - when someone criticizes something that's related to me, I take it as a personal insult. I get the connection.

As things got more heated up she said to me "Well you just have no emotions at all." I think it came up as because I said to her that there is no need to get upset, I wasn't criticizing her.

But that stopped me. I thought that was a huge insult.

Some time ago I came to a realization that I was codependent towards my wife. I put her feelings (which since she is an uBPD, can be quite a ride as you know) before mine. But that doesn't mean I didn't have any. And now that I've been going to therapy, and overall being more mindful about myself, I don't think I do that anymore. At least not as much.

But it's odd how much it hurts someone who apparently has no feelings.

[desperate dutchman]

Addicted to pizza. I respectfully disagree. Our SO do have feelings they have feelings on steroids they relate to their feelings feelings are reality.  They struggle with empathy (relating to others feelings). In my life my wife feels insulted whenever I disagree with her   I too am codependant. I have come to the realization that the feeling that I may have when someone doesn't like what I do or say she has those feelings exponentially   It is so hard to fathom   All we can do is work on detaching from their reactions and rages 

[an0ught]

Hi addicted2pizza,

As things got more heated up she said to me "Well you just have no emotions at all." I think it came up as because I said to her that there is no need to get upset, I wasn't criticizing her.

But that stopped me. I thought that was a huge insult.

Some time ago I came to a realization that I was codependent towards my wife. I put her feelings (which since she is an uBPD, can be quite a ride as you know) before mine. But that doesn't mean I didn't have any. And now that I've been going to therapy, and overall being more mindful about myself, I don't think I do that anymore. At least not as much.

But it's odd how much it hurts someone who apparently has no feelings.

while you have some pizza addiction your wife has some drama addiction  

Seriously, you are working hard on balancing your emotions. I hope you balance and not suppress them but meditation sounds like you are aiming at leveling. So far so good as your hard work is paying off   . But you changing changes the dynamic of conflict and the type of issues you face change.

Your wife feeds of emotions. And she is not getting them. Maybe when dysregulated she is not able to read the finer movements in your face. She is getting angry and you are staying level. It is as if you do not care. That can be invalidating...

Sometimes when faced with strong emotions of our partner we need to express emotions strongly to reach through to our SO. And if we are happily o.k. and level then that may require some deliberate chosen behavior to express their emotions with sufficient impact. Raising your voice (not yell or go up to her level but raise). Taking different stance. Looking more intensely. Taking a more extreme vocabulary. In short - act a bit.

Us staying level can be invalidating, particularly when not sufficient boundaries are there yet so our partner does not clearly distinguish instinctively between what they feel and what we feel.

[addicted2pizza]

Hi addicted2pizza,

Sometimes when faced with strong emotions of our partner we need to express emotions strongly to reach through to our SO. And if we are happily o.k. and level then that may require some deliberate chosen behavior to express their emotions with sufficient impact. Raising your voice (not yell or go up to her level but raise). Taking different stance. Looking more intensely. Taking a more extreme vocabulary. In short - act a bit.

Us staying level can be invalidating, particularly when not sufficient boundaries are there yet so our partner does not clearly distinguish instinctively between what they feel and what we feel.

I think you may be on to something here... I've always been the kind of person who likes to think I can see "the other point of view" too. But now I've realized it's not always positive. First I noticed that it makes me indecisive. And now this.

To use a silly analogy again, of course when my wife's blasting her music at 11, it's hard for her to interpret mine, that's at a much lower level. But it doesn't mean that it isn't there.

[an0ught]

I think you may be on to something here... I've always been the kind of person who likes to think I can see "the other point of view" too. But now I've realized it's not always positive. First I noticed that it makes me indecisive. And now this.

You are seriously broken - NOT.

You have a gift. You understand others. A strength. Right now it is like a tool that is lying in your front yard helping burglers. It is still a good hammer. You just got to use it instead of letting others to use it against you.

[yeeter]

First I noticed that it makes me indecisive. And now this.

Also she is likely a black/white thinker.  When you come across as indecisive then this can frustrate her.  Try being more confident in your position.  Detach from her position a little (quit trying to see her position so clearly - because likely you cannot really understand it anyway).  I found it helped when I stood up and said:  This is what I think.  You can think its wrong and can get upset and try to argue me out of it.  But its still what I think.  Im not terrible for thinking this.  Im not changing my mind.  Im not apologizing for it.  Im being honest (the honesty one is big, because there have been times when I have stated a preference that I knew she wanted to hear - vs what I truly felt/believed).

Also consider that to her these emotions are like a flood gate.  So in a relative sense, you DO have fewer volatile feelings (this is a GOOD thing!).

Your doing well pizza. 

[Writer]

Hey, A2P  Hi!  I got a lot out of your post and I hope to hear more from you!  Sounds like you are doing a great job looking inward when needed and figuring out how you're contributing to the dysfunctional dance.  We all do the best we can letting things roll off our backs, but sometimes those words hurt.  I lifted this quote from an earlier posting and I literally carry it on my phone and refer to it often.  Its about feeling like a victim, which I understand is not where you are by any stretch (that's my "stuff"), but the quote really helps me, and maybe you can pull something helpful out of it too.  I wish I could give credit where credit is due:

For me, I was stuck in a "poor me" state of mind because of. . . me.  It took realizing that she wasn't doing anything "to" or even because of me.  She is just being her, trying to make herself feel better. . . which I used to think the only way she could do this was to make the rest of us feel bad.  That is until I could change my outlook and perception to seee that I don't have to feel bad. . . and I believe in my heart that she doesn't either, and that it isn't her intent to do so.  I felt bad about myself not because she wanted me to but because I allowed myself to.  The only reason her words ever hurt me. . .is because I believed that I deserved them.