D18 has moved out suddenly & it is "my fault" of course

[Think About It...]

The past few weeks, my dBPDh has been dysregulated & had me painted black. He has pulled the kids in between us every chance he has had. He really does think I am a horrible person, I know this is how the BPD mind works.

Our oldest - 18yoD has been working as a waitress for about 6 months. Two days ago, she told us that she is moving out with a co-worker. We know it is a woman with a young toddler but that is about it. D does not want to risk her Dad finding out who she lives with or where she lives for fear that Dad will show up & cause a scene. I understand that, however, this woman recently kicked her husband out & he now lives right next door to her (just found this out tonight).

I am worried about her, but I know she needs to experience some independence. But H is having a really tough time with it. I understand that the more I fight her & suggest that she is wrong, the more she will pull against me. I would rather her look back & know that I supported her decision to take care of HER, rather than have her look back & remember how much I fought her & disapproved of her choices.

I have tried to help D & H through this transition. I understand my daughter's frustrations (she gets one story from me & another from her Dad & feels caught). And I understand my H's frustrations as well. She is his first child & his daughter. He has a need to keep her under his control so she will be safe always - that's just a normal Dad.

But today, D came over to move more items out & my H was just torn up by it all day. As I expected, he finally came to me and said "This is just WRONG..." then he pointed his finger at me & in his most vicious voice snarled to me "I BLAME YOU FOR THIS!"   

I can't say I am surprised. I knew when D left that H would blame me. Now, every time he walks by her room (which has 2 doors & is now open & very obviously empty), he is triggered.

[onAmission]

The past few weeks, my dBPDh has been dysregulated & had me painted black. He has pulled the kids in between us every chance he has had. He really does think I am a horrible person, I know this is how the BPD mind works.

Our oldest - 18yoD has been working as a waitress for about 6 months. Two days ago, she told us that she is moving out with a co-worker. We know it is a woman with a young toddler but that is about it. D does not want to risk her Dad finding out who she lives with or where she lives for fear that Dad will show up & cause a scene. I understand that, however, this woman recently kicked her husband out & he now lives right next door to her (just found this out tonight).

I am worried about her, but I know she needs to experience some independence. But H is having a really tough time with it. I understand that the more I fight her & suggest that she is wrong, the more she will pull against me. I would rather her look back & know that I supported her decision to take care of HER, rather than have her look back & remember how much I fought her & disapproved of her choices.

I have tried to help D & H through this transition. I understand my daughter's frustrations (she gets one story from me & another from her Dad & feels caught). And I understand my H's frustrations as well. She is his first child & his daughter. He has a need to keep her under his control so she will be safe always - that's just a normal Dad.

But today, D came over to move more items out & my H was just torn up by it all day. As I expected, he finally came to me and said "This is just WRONG..." then he pointed his finger at me & in his most vicious voice snarled to me "I BLAME YOU FOR THIS!"   

I can't say I am surprised. I knew when D left that H would blame me. Now, every time he walks by her room (which has 2 doors & is now open & very obviously empty), he is triggered.

[Steph]

 The rules are the same

Walk out on abuse

Dont engage in defending, justifying or explaining, etc.


As long as you allow this, he is going to do it. It makes him feel better and in his mind, its ok with you, too.

This is no different than any other situation with him.

Stop allowing him to use you...


And I left home at 17 to get out of the craziness that was my home, with a BPD mom and a dad who allowed the crazy. Ive never regretted it, tho I made many mistakes since.

Steph

[Auspicious]

Have you spoken with a domestic violence counselor yet?

[onAmission]

Have you spoken with a domestic violence counselor yet?

Am calling one today!

Things escalated last night after D18 left. I got away from his verbal abuse by going out & sitting in the van in our driveway. He became more enraged. He tried to break the window to get to me. I did not want to drive away because I had taken a prescribed sleep med. And I had left my cell phone in the house 

Our 13yo son was at a camp out (thank heavens because I KNOW my S13 would have intervened physically) so our 14yoD & 10yoS were home. I thought they were asleep when H started raging. But S10 heard H yelling at me & he went to D14 for comfort. Then H heard them & he started yelling at them. He told D14 to make me get out of the van. She refused & he became more enraged.  She eventually decided to come talk to me (I had NO idea they were even awake, much less being dragged through this episode).

As soon as I opened the door to talk to D14, H rushed out & tried to grab the keys to the van from me. He was quite physical. It scared my daughter & me. When I spoke to her later, my D14 told me that when her Dad was talking to her earlier she felt like that was not even her Dad - it was a different person. She asked if we could go & live somewhere else like we had before when he was like this.

Wake up call!

[Auspicious]

Am calling one today!

 

Please let us know how that call goes!    

[Steph]

Am calling one today!

 

Please let us know how that call goes!    

 DO call...this is not only domestic violence but also child abuse.

[united for now]

I truly hope that you follow through on that phone call. He is getting more and more out of control. He is become dangerous and unpredictable. You need the advice and support of professionals to help you through this time period.

Breaking the cycle of violence requires planning and support. Please don't try to do this on your own...

[Auspicious]

You don't have to handle dangerous, scary situations on your own. There's no reason that you should have to. There are good people out there who want to help you Just reach out and make that call 

[Blazing Star]

I too am curious about how the call went.

It is great that you are supporting your daughter in her move out, she is doing what she feels is best for her. Time to focus on protecting your other children from the damage your H is inflicting on them.

The emotional blackmail and misuse of your children is painful to read. You can stop this and protect them, i know this feels hard, the DV line will help and support you in this.

Love Blazing Star xx

[waverider]

No wonder your daughter is moving out. I am sure she will want to move out to anywhere she can regardless of whether she is moving into a good choice or not. She wants out, anywhere will do as far as she is concerned.

My daughter turns 18 in a month and is doing everything to stay away from home whenever possible. This is causing me a huge resentment towards my partner as these are growing years I am missing and never will get back again. It of course leaves my S14 to bear the brunt of it with no sibling support. I wonder how long before he blows and does something regretful. It is not his mum and so finds it hard to cut that much slack.

[LoveNotWar]

OnAmission, how are you? I am fully aware of how quickly physical aggression can spiral and how swiftly a serious injury can happen. I am concerned for you. 
LNW

[Blazing Star]

I am also wondering how you are, why we haven't heard from you in a few days. Hope you are okay, sending love and support across cyberspace to wherever you are   xxx Blazing Star

[onAmission]

Thank you all for your concern. I am hanging in there! It has been a very stressful few days.

We found out some very upsetting things about the environment D moved into. H & I decided that we could not let her stay there. She is 18, but we own her car & pay other bills for her still so we told her move back or hand over the keys & pay your own bills. H & I agreed about it. D was very angry at first, but she began to learn things she did not know before about the girl she moved in with & she realized we were right. She even apologized to me. I told her I will still help her find a suitable place to move into in time. I feel better about that situation.

H however, is all over the place emotionally.     Still dysregulated & moody all the time. The thread on "agree to disagree" hits home with me because there are a couple of issues that we just do not agree on & because I will not agree totally, he paints me black. I have tried to validate his feelings, but he will have none of it. I am really in a difficult place. He is also still frustrated with D (for some reason, she has not apologized to him & he knows she did to me so he feels rejected). He is frustrated with an organization he volunteers for & has made some rash decisions out of anger. He keeps saying that he just has no control over anything in his life & he has too much on his plate, etc. There are sly, passive aggressive comments constantly directed at me.   And because I will not agree with his opinions, he says I don't love him & that he thinks our marriage might be over (after 24 years). Honestly, I am at a loss. I am still not feeling well (very, very tired) & it is so hard to be strong & validate all the time.

As for a DV counselor, I did call two. One was not able to help unless I wanted to take legal action. The other just took down my information & did not seem very qualified because she did not really offer any advice or anything. I am going to try another county but I think they can't help unless you live in their county. At this point, I get more help, advice & comfort on here than anywhere.

[onAmission]

Well, this big spat between H & some other members of the volunteer group has really pushed H's buttons. Sadly, if it is not worked out, our 10yoS will be the one to suffer.

[yeeter]

You are strong Admission.

You know what to do.

You can make a difference here, for your son.

 

[Auspicious]

As for a DV counselor, I did call two. One was not able to help unless I wanted to take legal action. The other just took down my information & did not seem very qualified because she did not really offer any advice or anything. I am going to try another county but I think they can't help unless you live in their county.

You should be able to get some legal advice without having to initiate legal action.

You should be able to get help formulating a safety plan.

[Steph]

As for a DV counselor, I did call two. One was not able to help unless I wanted to take legal action. The other just took down my information & did not seem very qualified because she did not really offer any advice or anything. I am going to try another county but I think they can't help unless you live in their county.

You should be able to get some legal advice without having to initiate legal action.

You should be able to get help formulating a safety plan.

 When you called, what did you ask for? What was the response?

[onAmission]

I asked for help & she asked what was going on so I explained it to her.

Worried now because he just triggered again 10 mins ago & I fear the worse tonight. He has gone to the store & I dread when he gets home. He can be so mean & hateful. I am on some pain meds so I can't drive & he knows that so he hurls insults at me knowing I cannot get away.

I'm living in fear again 

[waverider]

I think its time to remove yourself for longer and potentially more permanent basis. Too many deal breakers here

[onAmission]

You may be right. I am not sure how to go about this.

If he cannot calm down, I need to find a way to make HIM move out. Our 4 kids have school starting soon & I home school some of them which means I need the computer & space here to do so. Why should his wife & his 4 kids have to move out so he can have our house & ... we have NOWHERE to go anyway.