SET and Validation - tricks and traps

[Think About It...]

I am a frequent reader, infrequent poster here.  However, the help I have received has been invaluable.  My uBPDw and I have been together five years.  I've been on these boards almost the entire time.  BUT, I just recently "got it."  Just these past two weeks, I have been really practicing SET.  1) Supportive statement ("I see you're upset and I really want to help you feel better."); 2) Empathetic statement (here's where I validate, validate, validate.); 3) When necessary, truth (often, this is where I ask for input on how we can both address the matter in a constructive way.)

More often than not, 95% of the time is spent on validation.  In the past, I couldn't "get" how to validate without agreeing with her position "Yes, I do ALWAYS do that."  "No, I don't care about your feelings."  I have learned that is not what validation is; and almost more importantly, it's NOT WHAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR.  That is, accepting all blame and agreeing with over-the-top statements about "always" and "never" doesn't calm her down.  Not one bit.

I was reading other posts this morning and it seems many of us are accused of "speaking in a robotic voice" or "patronizing" our partners when we validate.  I used to get the same thing.  And if I'm really honest, I got those responses because I really didn't mean what I was saying.  I was SAYING empathetic things, but I was thinking "Of course, we aren't allowed to mention you did the exact same thing to me; or something even more aggregious."  With those thoughts in my head, I'm SURE I came off robotic and cold.

What I've discovered about SET is that when I say "I want to help you feel better," I have to mean it.  And until I do mean it, there's no point in saying it and trying to use the tools.  Likewise, when I validate, it cannot be said enough:  Validation is not agreeing.  One thing I have done to help myself get past my defensiveness and actively validate is pretend she's talking about someone else.  Then, its actually heartfelt when I tell her "Of course you would feel unloved if your partner blew you off in front of her friends.  Who wouldn't feel that way?  I would be devestated if that happened to me.  It's so hurtful!"  Because it is hurtful, I genuinely mean that, and I truly feel empathy that she was so hurt.  The fact that it didn't happen in my experience doesn't mean that it doesn't FEEL like it happened in hers, and that is what I am responding to.

[Writer]

I am a frequent reader, infrequent poster here.  However, the help I have received has been invaluable.  My uBPDw and I have been together five years.  I've been on these boards almost the entire time.  BUT, I just recently "got it."  Just these past two weeks, I have been really practicing SET.  1) Supportive statement ("I see you're upset and I really want to help you feel better."); 2) Empathetic statement (here's where I validate, validate, validate.); 3) When necessary, truth (often, this is where I ask for input on how we can both address the matter in a constructive way.)

More often than not, 95% of the time is spent on validation.  In the past, I couldn't "get" how to validate without agreeing with her position "Yes, I do ALWAYS do that."  "No, I don't care about your feelings."  I have learned that is not what validation is; and almost more importantly, it's NOT WHAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR.  That is, accepting all blame and agreeing with over-the-top statements about "always" and "never" doesn't calm her down.  Not one bit.

I was reading other posts this morning and it seems many of us are accused of "speaking in a robotic voice" or "patronizing" our partners when we validate.  I used to get the same thing.  And if I'm really honest, I got those responses because I really didn't mean what I was saying.  I was SAYING empathetic things, but I was thinking "Of course, we aren't allowed to mention you did the exact same thing to me; or something even more aggregious."  With those thoughts in my head, I'm SURE I came off robotic and cold.

What I've discovered about SET is that when I say "I want to help you feel better," I have to mean it.  And until I do mean it, there's no point in saying it and trying to use the tools.  Likewise, when I validate, it cannot be said enough:  Validation is not agreeing.  One thing I have done to help myself get past my defensiveness and actively validate is pretend she's talking about someone else.  Then, its actually heartfelt when I tell her "Of course you would feel unloved if your partner blew you off in front of her friends.  Who wouldn't feel that way?  I would be devestated if that happened to me.  It's so hurtful!"  Because it is hurtful, I genuinely mean that, and I truly feel empathy that she was so hurt.  The fact that it didn't happen in my experience doesn't mean that it doesn't FEEL like it happened in hers, and that is what I am responding to.

[Validation78]

Hi Writer!   
    Glad it is all clicking for you! It feels good when you actually see theory put into practice. Kudos to you! I thought I would share a recent discussion where I used validation, and H responded with a "twist". It might make the use of validation more clear for some others!
   Here's the lead up. H came home at 12am. I was asleep already. He shouts Hello, I'm home. I ignore his rudeness so he doesn't think that doing so is acceptable. The next morning:(BTW, I expected some sort of reaction from him)

H: How come you were so mean to me last night?
Me: Please tell me how I was mean to you
H: I came home, was "happy" to be able to see you, and you were mean.
Me: Oh honey, do you really think I was mean?
H: Well...It felt that way!
Me: Well, if you felt I was mean, that must hurt. I would never do anything deliberately mean to you.
H: I accept your apology, blah, blah blah, like nothing was wrong!

Please note, I didn't JADE, I didn't agree, and I sure as heck didn't apologize. I did validate his FEELINGS, which were real to him, and that's all he needed. Now, my feelings, how should I have dealt with them? I couldn't discuss them with him, or look for validation. I laughed it off. I know he wanted attention, and that he was rude. I did not need the facts validated. However, if I did, I could have talked about it here, or with a friend. The point is, I validated his feelings, and that's all it took to avoid a potential blow up, over what?

Best Wishes,
Val78

[shatra]

Hi
Good progress, Writer! Validating the feelings is key. Validation, I can identify----I too need a place to vent my feelings.  You are validating his feelings well. Question----what will you do next time he bounces into the house yelling hello while you are in bed? Because responded with hi, would just reinforce it, as you said.

Shatra

[united for now]

Good explanation 

Validation is more about a mental shift inside of us than it is about a script or phrase. Validation is us working - on our part - to discover the meaning and emotions behind our partners words. When we can discover the emotions, we can then focus our attention on them by accepting them, true or not.

Here's a great example.

A neighbor knocks on your door asking if you have a black poodle. When you say yes, he then tells you that your dog was killed by a car down the street. You are heart broken. You love that dog. He's been a part of your life for a long time. In complete despair you go running down the street to where the dog lies. When you get there you realize that it isn't your dog. While you are relieved your dog is alive, it takes you awhile to calm down and to let go of the initial emotional response.

If we examine this, we can see it would be completely natural to feel emotional if you thought your dog was dead. It would also be completely normal to feel some relief that it wasn't your dog after all. It may take time for the anxiety and fear to leave you, even though your dog is very much alive. If you are a pwBPD it may take you quite a long time to recover from this scare.

Validation recognizes the emotions, that you had a scare - not the facts, that your dog is alive.

An invalidating statement would be to focus on the facts "be grateful that your dog is alive", "you should be happy", "what are you so upset about?", "where is your concern for the other person who just lost their dog?", "why can't you just let it go?"... these sort of statements focus on logic and factual data, completely missing the fear and trauma of believing - however incorrectly - that your dog had just died. These sort of statements may be intended to offer reassurance and to help the other person feel better, yet telling a person to feel differently rarely works.

Validation - wow. That must have been scary. I can see why you would still be anxious. Anyone would feel that way.




Thanks for sharing writer. I hope to hear more from you 

[yeeter]

H: I accept your apology, blah, blah blah, like nothing was wrong!

Please note, I didn't JADE, I didn't agree, and I sure as heck didn't apologize. I did validate his FEELINGS, which were real to him, and that's all he needed.

Now, my feelings, how should I have dealt with them? I couldn't discuss them with him, or look for validation. I laughed it off.

What really jumps out at me in this exchange, is the implied wrong doing that your H accepted an apology for.  Although you didnt apologize, he took it this way.

Often times this is where the non digresses.  We might want to say... Im not apologizing, I did nothing wrong.  Or, as you point out - nowhere in the discussion was there anything to do with YOUR feelings.

You let loose of these items, knowing that what YOU wanted wasnt going to come from the dialog.  Go get it somewhere else.

Recognizing this can be hugely helpful to allow ourselves to make things better via our own actions.

Great thread!  Thanks for joining in writer...   

[Dynamic]

I am a frequent reader, infrequent poster here.  However, the help I have received has been invaluable.  My uBPDw and I have been together five years.  I've been on these boards almost the entire time.  BUT, I just recently "got it."  Just these past two weeks, I have been really practicing SET.  1) Supportive statement ("I see you're upset and I really want to help you feel better."); 2) Empathetic statement (here's where I validate, validate, validate.); 3) When necessary, truth (often, this is where I ask for input on how we can both address the matter in a constructive way.)

More often than not, 95% of the time is spent on validation.  In the past, I couldn't "get" how to validate without agreeing with her position "Yes, I do ALWAYS do that."  "No, I don't care about your feelings."  I have learned that is not what validation is; and almost more importantly, it's NOT WHAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR.  That is, accepting all blame and agreeing with over-the-top statements about "always" and "never" doesn't calm her down.  Not one bit.

I was reading other posts this morning and it seems many of us are accused of "speaking in a robotic voice" or "patronizing" our partners when we validate.  I used to get the same thing.  And if I'm really honest, I got those responses because I really didn't mean what I was saying.  I was SAYING empathetic things, but I was thinking "Of course, we aren't allowed to mention you did the exact same thing to me; or something even more aggregious."  With those thoughts in my head, I'm SURE I came off robotic and cold.

What I've discovered about SET is that when I say "I want to help you feel better," I have to mean it.  And until I do mean it, there's no point in saying it and trying to use the tools.  Likewise, when I validate, it cannot be said enough:  Validation is not agreeing.  One thing I have done to help myself get past my defensiveness and actively validate is pretend she's talking about someone else.  Then, its actually heartfelt when I tell her "Of course you would feel unloved if your partner blew you off in front of her friends.  Who wouldn't feel that way?  I would be devestated if that happened to me.  It's so hurtful!"  Because it is hurtful, I genuinely mean that, and I truly feel empathy that she was so hurt.  The fact that it didn't happen in my experience doesn't mean that it doesn't FEEL like it happened in hers, and that is what I am responding to.

Writer,

Here's the conversation we had today morning:
H: Yesterday, I ate properly & walked 6 miles. Today, I was expecting my weight to decrease, but instead I have gained weight.
Me (Logic Queen ): You should get the help of a dietician/trainer to reduce weight. You are doing things without knowing what you are doing.
H: You are answering very philosophically.
Me (thinking what did I say wrong now):  ?

Later on, I kept thinking about my response & realized how invalidating my response would have sounded to him. The following could have been an ideal way of handling the situation.

H: Yesterday, I ate properly & walked 6 miles. Today, I was expecting my weight to decrease, but instead I have gained weight.
Me: I understand how frustrating it can be for you when your weight increases in spite of doing everything right. It must be hard to see that your weight increased when you were expecting it to have decreased. I would feel the same way as you do.

Ok, I get it now. At the end of both the conversations, the situation with his weight is unchanged, but the difference is that after the latter conversation his mood would have cheered up with my validating response which implied that I understood his feelings. Come to think of it, we can try this approach even with nons.

Writer, keep practicing your validating skills & mastering SET.

We can do it.       Hopefully in the future there will be peace in the house.  

[desperate dutchman]

Writer thank you for the tread   I like the technique of taking ourselves out of the equation when our SO is in need of validation. I find that I did better when my wife was venting about someone else   She would thank me afterwards.  It also may allow me to be less defensive on the small stuff. How do you handle it for the major invalid accusations?