new relationship and I'm worried

[Think About It...]

I am getting divorced in a week...have custody of my son and feel healthier than I have in years. It has been a year since my dBPDwife left. I have been seeing a new woman for four months and it has been good...4 hour long distance. we have known of each other since we were ten and she has been in contact with me for awhile. Anyway, there are many red flags...she has been married three times, friends with ex boyfriends but not husbands, seems to put me on a pedestal and has said as much. Classic BPD symptoms...I am already wrapped up emotionally and the good is good..the knowledge I have from my ex has insulated me somewhat and I have not reacted to some of the seeming gameplay. Here was the problem...she is moving to my town...our hometown(we grew up together). Last night she asked me if I knew so and so...I said no why? She said that a mutual friend wants to introduce them and that he sought out her dad. She has never met him...she wants my advice...this is all to weird. I feel like I am getting sucked into a new vortex. Last night was the first time that I put all of the pieces together. The older ex who wants to buy her a house and just visit, a mutual friend who she brings up(he has asked her out and I think he is a lesser candidate), and now this new guy...in four months. I am in |            please read               |ing trouble...never thought I would be back here...damn...I have some things to work on.
 

[chrisd73]

I am getting divorced in a week...have custody of my son and feel healthier than I have in years. It has been a year since my dBPDwife left. I have been seeing a new woman for four months and it has been good...4 hour long distance. we have known of each other since we were ten and she has been in contact with me for awhile. Anyway, there are many red flags...she has been married three times, friends with ex boyfriends but not husbands, seems to put me on a pedestal and has said as much. Classic BPD symptoms...I am already wrapped up emotionally and the good is good..the knowledge I have from my ex has insulated me somewhat and I have not reacted to some of the seeming gameplay. Here was the problem...she is moving to my town...our hometown(we grew up together). Last night she asked me if I knew so and so...I said no why? She said that a mutual friend wants to introduce them and that he sought out her dad. She has never met him...she wants my advice...this is all to weird. I feel like I am getting sucked into a new vortex. Last night was the first time that I put all of the pieces together. The older ex who wants to buy her a house and just visit, a mutual friend who she brings up(he has asked her out and I think he is a lesser candidate), and now this new guy...in four months. I am in |            please read               |ing trouble...never thought I would be back here...damn...I have some things to work on.
 

[Arthur]

  I can't say for sure but you are describing some of the symptoms of BPD.  Keep in mind that we all carry traits in us of a bunch of disorders, they become a problem when one or more of the unhealthy traits becomes dominant.
  I do think your ex is trying to draw you in and you need to be on your game.  The BPD seems to make them aware of every hot button you have and how to use them to control and hurt you.  Follow your instincts, I knew things were off but my wife caused me to doubt mine and it has not turned out well so far.  Instincts were the first thing my wife destroyed in me.  You made the break for a reason, try looking at them again so you remember how things really were with her.  Is the chaos of BPD worth getting involved in again? 
  You might want to look into how you make your selections of a partner.  All of us have a complicated formula for deciding when someone is right for us and that includes negative things too.  I was raised with a BPD mother and twice made a choice of a BPD spouse.  It was not until my T started working with me I realized it was not just bad luck, it was a bad design I used to select a mate.  Until we become aware of what is driving our choice we don't know if it's a healthy selection process.

Keep your faith in yourself

Art

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[chrisd73]

Thanks Art...my ex is not involved(although, she has been more involved since I have had a girlfriend...but I set that boundry firmly)...I married her twice. The situation I am describing is with a new woman. My mother was also BPD and i seem to be attracted to that. I am not saying the new woman is BPD, just that there are traits. I am scared and it may be my own fears that are exaggerating the reality.

[MaybeSo]

Let's put her 'symptoms' on the back burner for a minute.

Here are some symptoms of folks who keep getting into these kinds of relationships. Do you see yourself in here at all?  

-unresolved family of origin issues including codepedence (addiction to a type of entanglement)
-being unable or unwilling to fully process the end of one relationship before starting another (eg; dating before the divorce is final, dating while separated, dating to avoid being alone, dating to help 'get over' another person, etc., etc., many therapists recommend not getting involved with anyone until at the very least you are ONE year out of a finalized divorce.)
-feeling unable to be alone
-feeling like we aren't alive unless we are fixing others or in a 'relationship' with drama/intrigue or a mystery to solve
-focusing on other people's mental health status while being less interested in our own mental health status
-poor or absent boundaries
-confusing sex/lust/attraction/entertainment/addiction or the heady feeling of falling in love with 'compatability' or 'relationship'

[chrisd73]

I would say that I do have a couple of those issues...I was seeing a therapist and was basically alone for eight months...the divorce being final is a little different because I was divorced from this woman once before...granted, I have had issues with co-dependency...and issues with boundaries...after talking to her I realize that being with a BPD and trying to understand their motives is totally different then a "healthy" relationship based on communication. I had been accustomed to being married to someone who played games(consciously or subconsciously) all the time. It is hard to just move forward after years of living with that. I still have a lot of work to do.

[MaybeSo]

It is hard to just move forward after years of living with that. I still have a lot of work to do

.

Yes it is hard to move forward and do things differently.  However,  being in a bad relationship is hard, too.

Even just taking a break from dating could be very enlightening. We are wired to mate, but the break doesn't have to be forever, but if you did, it could provide much needed time to know yourself better. That's kind of a prerequisit for being in a good relationship, having a good relationship with yourself, first.  Most men do want to get married again or be in a relationship, but hopefully with a person capable of relationship, and hopefully we are capable of relationship, too.  An entanglement isn't really a relationship.

This could be a nice time for you and your son to bond without the distraction of another female to adjust to, also.

[OnceConfused]

well, you are right about the red flag with this new friend.

1. Married 3 times. Well ... Those 3 guys must have seen something ...
2. Trying to play the game of hard to catch, by telling you about this new guy. Sound like my xBPDgf as well, who reminded me that her xbfs opened the door for her or pulling the chair for her. She also dropped hints about other guys who were interested in her as well. This way she was sending me the signal that she was a good catch.

What do you think ? Time to move on?

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