Relationship length of time question

[Think About It...]

I was trying to gauge this.  My UBPD/NPD W ( sorry learning the acronyms) was my once high school GF and "first love".  I have 20 years of off and on history.  Upon learning of these disorders last year, things began to make sense.  I can now look back at events and problems in high school that were a "younger" or smaller version of recent events.  Some were not necessarily small.  I ended up marrying this person that I witnessed these events.  This has been an eye opener as it pertains to my self reflection period.  But, does anyone else here have this kind of history?  I wonder how unique my situation is as I have known her since high school.  Many of you may have married people you met in your adult life. 

[Ltp12]

I was trying to gauge this.  My UBPD/NPD W ( sorry learning the acronyms) was my once high school GF and "first love".  I have 20 years of off and on history.  Upon learning of these disorders last year, things began to make sense.  I can now look back at events and problems in high school that were a "younger" or smaller version of recent events.  Some were not necessarily small.  I ended up marrying this person that I witnessed these events.  This has been an eye opener as it pertains to my self reflection period.  But, does anyone else here have this kind of history?  I wonder how unique my situation is as I have known her since high school.  Many of you may have married people you met in your adult life. 

[waverider]

How does her recollection of her early teens and twenties compare to yours? The reason I asked is that many BPDs tend to rewrite events from the past and often portray themselves as victims, when in fact they were often the instigators of endless dramas.

[isilme]

BF and I met in college and started dating the end of our first year.  We've been together, though are not married, for 16 years.  He is the only person I have dated, or been intimate with.

I grew up with 2 pwBPD, and though I was trying to avoid a person like that, my subconscious prodded me towards what seemed 'normal' from my warped childhood.  And since I still have to fight the co-dependent feelings that everything is mine to own and fix, no matter whose it really is, back when I was 19, I was woefully unprepared to look objectively at things, and also, in the idealization phase, I felt so happy to be loved and noticed, I pushed everything aside and told myself anything wrong would be my fault. 

While learning about BPD to help deal with anger and yes, rage, at my mother, and the lingering fear I associate with my father, even though I am NC with both and have been a long time, I realized BF has all the signs, too, and so much made sense. 

[briefcase]

I met my wife my last year of college (she had graduated the year before), but that was 20 years ago.  I recognize the same patterns I saw then.  I ignored a lot of      .

 ;p

[waverider]

On a related issue are people more likely to stay in a BPD relationship if it is the only one they have had and dont know any better? In other words if you have had normal relationships in the past do you find it easier to throw in the towel and walk, because you KNOW relationships should not be like this?

[andywho]

On a related issue are people more likely to stay in a BPD relationship if it is the only one they have had and dont know any better? In other words if you have had normal relationships in the past do you find it easier to throw in the towel and walk, because you KNOW relationships should not be like this?

Hey wave.

I have the answer for that... regarding my situation that is. I was in a RS with my former wife for eight years. From i was 18 to 26 years old. She was and still is a typical normal girl next door kinda type. We are still very good friends and coparent our D14 very well.

In our RS we just had the typical irks and we had little problems with communicating about issues that arised. Sometimes today we talk about the past just for laughs and typical "do you remeber when?".

One of the things we bot remember is the few times (3 times we remember) that we actually yelled/screamed at eachother. All 4 times we where back to normal after just some minutes timeouts... and then we just laughed about our own sillyness and went back to normal.

We lived our lives like two people who loves eachother, living together but still doing our own stuff, sports hobbies, beeing with friends.

When i think back it was rather relaxing and none of us really dont know what went wrong when we seperated.

So its fully possible to be in a normal RS and move into what im in now.

The boiling frog thing you know. First now when the fog is lifting i more and more see what has happened trough the years in this RS. So many times my gut feeling have told me something is wrong and the   have been many. I just didnt see them... and i shut down my own gut feeling with time.

My gut feeling is now back... and boy do i listen to it.

Andy

[briefcase]

My wife was my first serious relationship, but I could kind of tell my marriage wasn't normal.  I didn't grow up in a house with these issues, but still I had no real point of comparison.  You hear things like, "relationships take work" and platitudes about the opposite sex and you get kind of numb to it all and start thinking this is what life is like.  But, it doesn't have to be.

[Ltp12]

All very interesting and similar perspectives. Thank you.  Wave, yes her recollection or account of events is completely different than mine. Both in our dating teens and recent married adult life.  It is mind boggling as it pertains to our "dating teens".  She was my "first everything- love, etc.  I was enamored, ga ga etc.  She became the standard by which I compared later GFs.  I was love struck.  The sumer of 1989 was magical.  I used to skateboard 3 miles on a whim or at her command to go see her.  Even the hanging out that lead up to the first kiss, I developed a crush on her and was trying to be charming.  Yet, in our adult life she talked about how I "picked on her" before we finally "made out".  I never understood this until learning about these issues.  There are so many memories and past actions that make sense now. But, yes in short.  Her victimization is a common theme in her memory of high school.  In retrospect, I look at how much control she had then.  THe frequent break ups.  The crying and sadness I would respond with.  Begging her back etc. 
In our current divorce, she has made the same desperate attempts.  I know that my recent strength and resolve is boggling her mind.  She tried the old familiar call me and playing old songs without answering when I answered.  This came a few days after an extended relentless attack after attack.  I did not reply to the "nostalgic" song attempt.  I then remembered all the times that break ups came with getting back together and the songs that accompanied them.  I see now that she knew all along she was going to break up and "take me back" as part of her control.  I bought it every time.  She is definately confused this time as I am not budging.  I won't lie to you all and say that not budging is easy.  I am tired of having to either be Stoic or stay mad to continue doing what I need to do. It sucks. I have become so hypersensitive to the mistakes that I made

[Ltp12]

so hypersensitive to the mistakes that I have made ( knight in shining armor, codependency) that I am scrutinous of anything that would make me vulnerable again. In turn, SHE STILL CONTROLS ME.  I am still thinking of her in regard to my actions.  Even if it with opposite intentions.  The selfishness, audacity, and lack of conscience, whether intentional or on another level, is the most frustrating aspect of dealing wtih these people.