Sound familiar?

[Think About It...]

Hi all, I am new here. I am so glad I found this site. I originally posted this on the welcome thread, but thought I may get more of a sense of who has dealt with similar issues, here.

 I am pretty sure my wife has BPD. I have known something was not right, but could never figure out what the problem was. Most times I wind up thinking that the situations are real or sonehow my fault. Very confused.
Since I met my wife 16 years ago, married for 9, she always is on the outs with someone. When she is mad, she completely cuts off contact and writes them off. It always seemed she had valid reasons, but now I am not sure. She can go months to years without speaking to someone. But, when she cuts off someone new, she usually allows the other back in.
 I now wonder if what she believes to ne the truth, is really the truth or 1/2 truths with fabrications to validate her anger? I wonder because when she is angry with me, she does not see complete pictures. She takes the things that validate her anger and magnify them by 100.
 She can be the sweetest person and turn into the devil at the drop of a hat. The smallest situations are blown out of proporyion and overreacts to the greatest extreme.  She has hit me twice, calls me names and pushes every button to try & set me off. When I do give in & try to defend myself, she turns into the victim. Accusing me of being emotionally abusive . As if she forgets everything she just said!
 I also have 2 children, 7 and 2 that I worry wil be affected by the arguing. My wife seems to never have time to speak about issues until my 7 year old is within earshot. She will then jab me,.knowing I can not respond. The other thing is, everyone loves her.
She can charm anyone. Fyi -she holds a public office position. Has friends everywhere & is starting to make me look lke im crazy. So worried that if I ever decide to leave, im screwed.
I have so many stories. She has now outed my entire family. I guess I am just looking for someone to say yes, it sounds lije BPD. I dont know where to turn. Very confused & feeling like I am crazy.

Thanks for the input!

[Grudo]

Hi all, I am new here. I am so glad I found this site. I originally posted this on the welcome thread, but thought I may get more of a sense of who has dealt with similar issues, here.

 I am pretty sure my wife has BPD. I have known something was not right, but could never figure out what the problem was. Most times I wind up thinking that the situations are real or sonehow my fault. Very confused.
Since I met my wife 16 years ago, married for 9, she always is on the outs with someone. When she is mad, she completely cuts off contact and writes them off. It always seemed she had valid reasons, but now I am not sure. She can go months to years without speaking to someone. But, when she cuts off someone new, she usually allows the other back in.
 I now wonder if what she believes to ne the truth, is really the truth or 1/2 truths with fabrications to validate her anger? I wonder because when she is angry with me, she does not see complete pictures. She takes the things that validate her anger and magnify them by 100.
 She can be the sweetest person and turn into the devil at the drop of a hat. The smallest situations are blown out of proporyion and overreacts to the greatest extreme.  She has hit me twice, calls me names and pushes every button to try & set me off. When I do give in & try to defend myself, she turns into the victim. Accusing me of being emotionally abusive . As if she forgets everything she just said!
 I also have 2 children, 7 and 2 that I worry wil be affected by the arguing. My wife seems to never have time to speak about issues until my 7 year old is within earshot. She will then jab me,.knowing I can not respond. The other thing is, everyone loves her.
She can charm anyone. Fyi -she holds a public office position. Has friends everywhere & is starting to make me look lke im crazy. So worried that if I ever decide to leave, im screwed.
I have so many stories. She has now outed my entire family. I guess I am just looking for someone to say yes, it sounds lije BPD. I dont know where to turn. Very confused & feeling like I am crazy.

Thanks for the input!

[Sensitive Man]

Grudo, yes, it does sound very familiar. There are probably many of us on this thread of this website that have had similar stories and dealing with conflicting behaviors of our BPDs. Yes, it is very confusing. Yes, your BPD and mine will act very cordial and nice on the outside to the outside world and become very negative in their personal lives. It is extremely hard to trust them due to their inconsistencies. In the meantime, you, I, and the rest of us nonBPDs are wondering what the heck we got ourselves into. It's like a horrible emotional rollercoaster ride in which we are in the front seat of this ride not knowing when or if it is ever going to stop or, at least, that it will be a smooth ride. Our BPDs only know chaos and solitude. In fact, they enjoy it. My BPDw caused so much chaos with my daughters of my first wife and me, that when one of my daughters and I got into an argument about what my BPDw had talked to me about, my BPDw literally laughed. Then, I knew I was being duped and found out how sadistic she really is. All I can to support you is that if there is any glimmer of hope and love in your heart with your BPD, then, maybe and only maybe is there a chance of resolving things. Otherwise, you need to make a decision, a very tough decision, either to remain to tolerate or to leave. In the meantime, when you have kids, they are affected big time. So, the sooner you're able to try to make a decision either to make things better or to leave, the better you and they will be. The best of luck to you! Frankly, I'm still in limbo. The only thing that keeps me alive is what I do professionally to help others.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Arthur]

Grudo

  I am married to a wBPD for 29 years with two kids.  Both my kids are grown, both my kids have damage, both are in and out of therapy.  The BPD is really a bad thing for kids to be around, let alone you.  Everything you mentioned are traits of BPD.  Only a professional can really make that call, but you sure can establish what you accept and reject in you and you kids life.  Is you wBPD getting help, does she even admit something is wrong inside of her?  If she is in denial then no progress can be made.  Without professional help the BPD can't get and won't get better.
  Now to the important stuff, you and your kids.  Get into a therapist and get your kids in also.  Living with a BPD causes damage to each of you and a pro will help you find your way.  The BPD world is one of chaos, fear, and control.  They are very manipulative and project their issues onto others and generally are about as damageing as one can be to others they care about.  Read this site, the posts, the blogs, and the workshops.  It is the greatest place to start coming out of the mess a BPD creates.  Get informed, then get healthy with a therapist, protect your kids and get them help.  Learn to set healthy boundries and consequencies and live by them.  Boundries are all about you, they are not to control another.  Boundries establish what you will and won't accept in your life and what will happen when the line gets crossed.  Once you are healthy a path best taken will come into focus and you can and will do what's best for you and your kids.  Don't excuse or condone, don't ignore or write off behaviours that hurt.  I did that and carry the grief of what I now see as my single greatest failure of my life, I left my kids in a place that was so very unhealthy for them.  Once you get healthy the decision of stay or go becomes clear and you will have the self confidence to make the right choice for you and the kids.  Don't hesitate to post questions or just vent here, you will allways find a compassionate ear here.

Everyone here is hoping the best for you and the kids

Arthur

[Grudo]

Thank you for the responses.

I am hoping this board will help me to sort out my questions, doubts, confusio...etc.

My problem is that my mind is now a blur. I can not express my thoughts well. When I think I have made sense of things, I doubt myself. Then I wonder if what I am thinking is my feelings or what I think I should be feeling. Not sure if I am making sense.

My w(possibly BPD) is not seeing a T. Whenever I suggest something is not ok, she thinks that I am being mentally abusive. It does not help that her network of friends, who are great people, validate her feelings. Mostly because they are hearing half truths and not the backstory to the issues.
She did see a T a couple years ago, who must not have seen through her. The T suggested she block people from her life and made my w feel secure with her thinking.

It is tough because tge goid days are great. I just never know when the drama will cone out. It seems as if she is just waiting for excuses to lash out.

Thanks for listening!

[Grudo]

I just have to add

While reading through member posts. My w does not exhibit alot of the BPD traits that others experience.

She does not cheat, is very motivated with work, the house and the kids. Has never shown suicidal tendencies. Also is very responsible with money.

Do most BPD show the above traits?

[Rise]

I just have to add

While reading through member posts. My w does not exhibit alot of the BPD traits that others experience.

She does not cheat, is very motivated with work, the house and the kids. Has never shown suicidal tendencies. Also is very responsible with money.

Do most BPD show the above traits?

The cheating, the work ethic (or rather the lack there-of), the suicidal tendencies, irresponsibility with money. All of those are common to people with BPD. But they don't define the condition. People with BPD are still people, and while they have certain things in common, no two are exactly alike. Some people with BPD are what we refer to as "High-functioning". They aren't crippled, so to speak, by their condition. Many hold down jobs, they don't appear to have any suicidal tendencies, can manage their money, etc. To the outside observer, it doesn't really appear that there's anything majorly wrong with them. It's not until you become involved on a deeper level that their issues become apparent. My BPDex had a successful healthy career and never cheated on me while we were together. Just because your wife doesn't do these things, doesn't mean she isn't borderline.

[hopelessinseattle]

Grudo,

I swear if you change a couple of the words around in your post, it could have been written by me.  Married 14+, two kids 7 & 3, UTTERLY confused!

It's funny...no nothing about this is funny...It's ironic that you say that your wife doesn't exhibit all the traits - not cheating, being motivated with work, good with money, etc.  My wife didn't either, until I realized that she did.  My wife never cheated...until I found at that she did.  Wow was I ever in the dark.  Very casual hookups too, no affairs or even anything with people she even knew.  But yeah, BIG eye opener.  Even after being diagnosed BPD, she sat right next to me looking at the diagnostic criteria and she was amazed that she fit almost all of them except for cheating.  Right to my face!  Didn't even flinch.  My wife is also very good and responsible with money.  BUT...and it's a big BUT - she actually uses that as something to focus on, to blow-up about, to obsess about, to blame me for, etc because I am not perfect with money.  Not irresponsible or negligent, but not perfect like her.  So just because they are on the other side of it (good at work instead of unable to work) doesn't mean that it doesn't play into their needs and their twisted thought processes.  You mention your wife is in public office - well my experience with BPD is that a lot of them love attention.  For examply, my wife hates crowds - which is funny because when she is in an uncomfortable public group she changes into a completely different person and commands the entire room's attention.  So in that respect it is certainly possible that your wife has found a profession that, rather than being a difficult responsibility, is something that she can use to feed her need for attention and ease her fear of abandonment.  If many people want or even need her, she is less likely to feel abandoned.

I'm sorry if I rambled - I just get going and can't stop.  There is so much to talk about, so many stories.  A lot of what you say is so terribly familiar to me, but you are in the right place.  A lot of friendly, knowledgeable, experienced people here who aren't at all new to BPD.  Hope you keep posting and keep us posted.

Hang in there,
-HiS