My wife's father may have molested her. Not sure if I should stay/leave.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey there, new to the board.

I'll get right down to business. My wife's father is a predator. Of that, I am certain. Others (underage kids) have accused him of molesting them, but he also has a decent amount of wealth and he was able to defend himself in a court of law.

I can't prove that he did touch those who accused him. I have a sinking suspicion that he did, though. I know for a fact that he has sexualized his daughter from an early age and I have seen the sexualization take place myself. It is inappropriate, to say the least. And this is coming from someone who is rather liberal with sexual politics.

And essentially I think that is why my wife lets bad people into her life. Not just bad people, but in some cases predators. Because her father is one.

Now, I am at a point where I feel very strongly that this is the case. Very strongly. However, my wife is in such bad, terrible place and has caused so much hurt to me and those around her that I am not sure I can be with her. I've lost too much sleep, too much of who I am, and it has in some ways turned me into a terrible person as well. I had to step back, but the question is whether or not I should divorce her.

Also, and this is almost the bigger question, but I am not sure if I should tell her or not. Part of me feels like that is something she needs to discover for herself. She is beginning therapy and is seeing a psychiatrist as well. However, denial runs so deep in her family (and with her) that I am afraid she will never heal from this without a nudge.

What to do?

[thesun]

Hey there, new to the board.

I'll get right down to business. My wife's father is a predator. Of that, I am certain. Others (underage kids) have accused him of molesting them, but he also has a decent amount of wealth and he was able to defend himself in a court of law.

I can't prove that he did touch those who accused him. I have a sinking suspicion that he did, though. I know for a fact that he has sexualized his daughter from an early age and I have seen the sexualization take place myself. It is inappropriate, to say the least. And this is coming from someone who is rather liberal with sexual politics.

And essentially I think that is why my wife lets bad people into her life. Not just bad people, but in some cases predators. Because her father is one.

Now, I am at a point where I feel very strongly that this is the case. Very strongly. However, my wife is in such bad, terrible place and has caused so much hurt to me and those around her that I am not sure I can be with her. I've lost too much sleep, too much of who I am, and it has in some ways turned me into a terrible person as well. I had to step back, but the question is whether or not I should divorce her.

Also, and this is almost the bigger question, but I am not sure if I should tell her or not. Part of me feels like that is something she needs to discover for herself. She is beginning therapy and is seeing a psychiatrist as well. However, denial runs so deep in her family (and with her) that I am afraid she will never heal from this without a nudge.

What to do?

[OnceConfused]

Sun:

The greatest lesson I learned from my 1st wife's sudden death from a tragic car accident is:

1. we are mortal, and we could be dead tomorrow.
2. I must live and live fully so whenever I die, I will die with no regrets.
3. I chose the path of peace and harmony and will live as such. I learned from the tumultous time w xBPDgf that to be on the path of peace and harmony, I must stay steadfast and LET NOONE pull me off that path. I must let go of those who come w hatred and dis-harmony.

I let those fundamental principles lead my life and my decision and that is why it was so easy to leave xbpbgf.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[an0ught]

Hi thesun,

it is interesting what we all start to recognize once we turn on the light  .

From what you wrote she grew up in a dysfunctional family and struggles now to hold on to anyone.

And essentially I think that is why my wife lets bad people into her life. Not just bad people, but in some cases predators. Because her father is one.

yeah, we all look for answers. Nobody wants a predator in their life but often these people share traits that make them attractive for vulnerable weak persons.

Everyone seeks validation, particularly pwBPD. Over time our relationships get more boring and w/ a pwBPD often also more filled with conflict. Of course the grass looks greener on the other side particularly when on the other side there is a knight in shining armor. Not that it is truly shining but a b&w filter helps to get blinded by the light. And the light is fickle (splitting).

On the other hand there is the 6 year relationship which seemed to have created quite a sense of attachment. Making it hard for her to let go...

Also, and this is almost the bigger question, but I am not sure if I should tell her or not. Part of me feels like that is something she needs to discover for herself. She is beginning therapy and is seeing a psychiatrist as well. However, denial runs so deep in her family (and with her) that I am afraid she will never heal from this without a nudge.

What to do?

BPD is complex and requires changes way beyond dealing with past pain. In general treatment for BPD focuses first on the emotional basics and not on the most painful topics. And right now she seems to be already in treatment...

Fixing her will not help you - in fact the more you get involved in fixing her the worse the problem becomes. Fixing yourself is the only way forward for you and possibly the marriage.

The question is what do you need? Do you need to do changes quickly? Have you given up? Have you hope? Or you still want to educate yourself?

The leaving board is a good place if you are angry and want to leave.
The staying board is a good place while you are staying and have some hope or just cope while staying.
We all are undecided from time to time but undecided is not a good place to stay for too long.

[Arthur]

thesun

I am soy sorry to hear you are in that place.  I was there for months and am just coming out of it.  My case is chillingly similar to yours.  It really tears at your souls, at every part of you I know.  I havn't found a magic answer but I am begginging to see the steps to get out.  First and foremost get into therapy.  Living with a BPD causes damage and you will find it helpful to have an objective and trained confidant to talk to.  If her father did or did not molest her means less than what she is doing now to you and your faminly.  In some extreme cases where kids are involved you should think about seperating to protect the kids.  Kids get the worst from a BPD.  You say therapy is in it's early stages for your wife and I assume you feel it is a positive step.  You also express compassion for where your wife is mind wise.  I can tell you I desensitized to my wife when I discovered her reckless and dangerious behavior.  She was serial cheating unprotected.  It tore me up inside.  Even though a person has BPD that is not an excuse for hurting you or the family.  A BPD selects people using a distorted subset of prerequisets.  There world is fear based and much of the time a tornado inside.  The make their selections because those people give them waht they need.  That is a hard one because here you are, a great guy who loves and cherishes his wife being ignored for bottom feeders.  I will tell you to read through the posts, the blogs, and the workshops before you make any uni directional decision.  Then get a therapist because brother you are gonna need one.  Surviving being with a BPD is all about you changing, you have to get healthy.  The BPD infects us slowly and by manipulations almost undetectably, but you have 5 years so for sure there is damage.  You do have one thing going for you I don't, your wife is getting help.  That could be something worth considering as mine has refused for 29 years, cheated, stolen, and generally done so much damage to my family you can't imagine.  The key is you have to get a healthy boundry system and believe enough in it to enforce it.  You remind me of myself years ago.  I made a bad choice then, I stayed without changing, without recognizing I had issues also, and here I am at 29 years picking up my heart again off the floor.  This is hard, we love our wives, but the reality is we may not be able to stay healthy and live with them.  My friend that is why you need a therapist and to read this site.  Once you get healthy the choice you are wrestling with will become much more focused for you.  You found this site of so many people who share the same experiances, the same doubts, and the same fears as you.  They post their good days and bad so you and I can see there is hope.  In fact allot of hope for you.  Get healthy my friend and learn to take care of yourself, the rest will be there whenever you chose to make a move.  As for changing her don't waste a minute, it aint gonna happen, remeber the world is nuts, they are the only sane ones.  We each are responsable for changing ourselves and not the other way around.  One small not, from what I have read and lived telling a BPD anything about their mind is a pretty good way to cause an explosion.  Use this tremendious asset for recovery you have in this site, it will help.  Get informed, get help, get happy works, try it.

Hagn in there

Arthur

[thesun]

Thanks for the responses so far, guys. It's good to hear others have been through similar situations.

Any more opinions on the matter are greatly appreciated.

[GreenMango]

I'm encouraging you to reread what an0ought wrote again.  Especially the last paragraph.

You are in a difficult place.  Get some space to get your feelings under control and then make a decision.

[hopelessinseattle]

Hello thesun! 

I can't agree with what everyone else is saying more - the only way that this can be better for you is if you get help for yourself.  Whatever that means, whatever that entails.  If it is leaving, do it.  If it is staying but getting yourself in therapy, do it.  Well actually get yourself in therapy regardless   .   

I hear that your biggest concern right now is whether your wife will actually realize and get help for those "larger" things in her past that have shaped who she is today.  You say that she is already in therapy and this is HUGE.  Everyone has to start somewhere, and just being willing to be in therapy is more than a lot of pwBPD.  Whether or not she is able to open up enough with this particular therapist is anybody's guess but the willingness is there and it's a good start.  In my humble opinion, telling her would be absolutely the wrong thing to do.  People in general (yes, even you and I) cannot process things, no matter how true they are, when they are not in a position to do so.  There is a very very strong likelihood that you trying to tell your wife what truths you believe are in her past will not only be rejected by her, but will end with her turning against the one with the accusations - you.  When/if she is ready to remember what has happened to her, she will remember on her own.  A nudge, however well-meaning will only nudge her in the wrong direction - be supportive and as understanding as you can but don't try to help.

You must remember that not only is it not your job to fix her, but that it is not possible for you to fix her.  Only she can do that.  You can, however, fix you.  I strongly encourage you to do so.  I have been focusing on that the last couple of months and I am a lot stronger now than a couple months ago.  Still not happy, but at least able to accept that I deserve to be happy and that it is possible.  It may not be with my wife, or it might - that is only 50% in my control so I'm doing everything I can to deal with my 50%.

Best of luck!  I hope you continue to post here and utilize the awesome resources!
-HiS