question about property and being stone-walled

[Think About It...]

i just re-read it, and i guess it felt like you were completely focused on me and not at all on you or your experience so i was asking about that, given your opinions/judgements seemed so harsh...
(just explaining where i was coming from)
thanks

[wdone]

i just re-read it, and i guess it felt like you were completely focused on me and not at all on you or your experience so i was asking about that, given your opinions/judgements seemed so harsh...
(just explaining where i was coming from)
thanks

[123Phoebe]

my "bf" is still getting mail here at this address.  his insurance cards came in the mail the other day. as well as his bank statements and bills.

also, he had one bill in his name, the water.  i asked him to cancel it in feb. when he moved out. they keep sending bills (?) constantly.  they had stopped delivering the water so i thought maybe he had finally cancelled it, but then it started up again. i have not opened his mail (and will not) and i don't think i can cancel it for him.

i don't care that his mail is coming here. i guess  a part of me likes it! (JUST BEING HONEST!) 

Okay, I'm going to step away.  This right here is crazy making. 

Good luck to you, wdone.  I mean that sincerely.  You have to want to help yourself.  Nobody can do the work for you.

[flatspin]

in my 12 step programs, we do focus a lot on MY part, how am I being selfish etc.  i can be selfish and demanding.

a healthy way to change my behavior might be to not act out of anger or selfishness, and to hang onto his things while he is in so much dysfunstion and working in himsefl.

That is one thing that I learned here on this great forum.

To be selfish may also mean to want to have her/him by our side at all cost and to want him/her back at all cost.

Unconsciously, we may tell ourselves : "I love her/him. I will never accept that everything is over. I'll help him/her even if he/she doesn't want me to".

Because it's unconscious or just on the surface of consciousness, we may not do it actively but passively, by not doing things related to what we don't accept because it hurts (like a denial of what hurts).

[Steph]

 Bottom line...

I read ( heard him say) that he doesnt want the relationship

I see you sticking with a non relationship.

Who knows what he is doing? He surely isnt working on the relationship, tho.

It seems like a whole lotta denial for you to be hanging around, waiting for it to happen.

It also keeps you from letting go, grieving, and being able to move on.

I spose that is scary and hard..but hanging out, waiting for someone who broke it off isnt exactly healthy.

He could be with someone else. You have touched on that possibility. He could be alone, he could be doing anything..but what I dont see is him wanting to work on the relationship. You have no idea if he is in dysfunction or incredibly happy right now..what I see is him not wanting to be there.

You cant do it alone.

  For some reason, this limbo state is exactly where you are choosing to be. I am not sure why, but its serving its purpose. Perhaps truly examining that...why are you opting to stay in this painful place, where you refuse to move on? How is that serving you? What are you avoiding? What addiction is this feeding?

 

[wdone]

Bottom line...

I read ( heard him say) that he doesnt want the relationship

I see you sticking with a non relationship.

Who knows what he is doing? He surely isnt working on the relationship, tho.

It seems like a whole lotta denial for you to be hanging around, waiting for it to happen.

It also keeps you from letting go, grieving, and being able to move on.

I spose that is scary and hard..but hanging out, waiting for someone who broke it off isnt exactly healthy.

He could be with someone else. You have touched on that possibility. He could be alone, he could be doing anything..but what I dont see is him wanting to work on the relationship. You have no idea if he is in dysfunction or incredibly happy right now..what I see is him not wanting to be there.

You cant do it alone.

  For some reason, this limbo state is exactly where you are choosing to be. I am not sure why, but its serving its purpose. Perhaps truly examining that...why are you opting to stay in this painful place, where you refuse to move on? How is that serving you? What are you avoiding? What addiction is this feeding?

 

thanks, steph.

when he says he "doesn't want to do this" or "breaks it off" he does not mean it.  i have heard this over and over from him, and by other partners who post on here. i do realize it is crazy making but not if i don't buy into it.

i just met with my sponsor and we talked about the limbo and how diffcult and painful it can be. i am looking into that with my sponsor and in therapy...

his idea of working on the relationhsip (and mine in feb) was for him (and me) to do more work on ourselves. people do it all the time. i have "normie friends" who are not BPD or with a BPD who take space/disengage to work on themselves for a time.  my brotehr and his wife lived in seperate houses for a year so she could work on a personal matter.

i am not moving on because i feel i cannot. because i love him. because i have invested time and emotions and love and effort. because when i pray about it, God tells me to wait. because it has never been over before when i thought it was and i put myself through all that grief and pain and it was never over.

dont get me wrong:this is not easy for me! 


thanks

[wdone]

my "bf" is still getting mail here at this address.  his insurance cards came in the mail the other day. as well as his bank statements and bills.

also, he had one bill in his name, the water.  i asked him to cancel it in feb. when he moved out. they keep sending bills (?) constantly.  they had stopped delivering the water so i thought maybe he had finally cancelled it, but then it started up again. i have not opened his mail (and will not) and i don't think i can cancel it for him.

i don't care that his mail is coming here. i guess  a part of me likes it! (JUST BEING HONEST!) 

Okay, I'm going to step away.  This right here is crazy making. 

Good luck to you, wdone.  I mean that sincerely.  You have to want to help yourself.  Nobody can do the work for you.

i am stepping back as well, as i feel honestly hurt and judged, and you have yet to say anything about your situation (to me anyway)...

what ifi replied to several of your posts with what i think you should do?...ie.

123pheobe, you need to start acknowledging YOUR issues instead of projecting! i mean, come on! wake up and see what you are doing! you are constantly trying to "help" others while taking alal the focus away from you, and avoiding intimacy. can you see this and take a chance? really.

i would NEVER talk to someone like this..partly out of respect and i think due to my work in alanon to relate my experience strength and hope, and to not try to tel people what i think is up with them. also in my hospice training, we learned to just listen and create a space for people. in my sex assault traingin, we learned to empower people, not judge or devalue. 

i think it is so important to communicate and work these thigns out and express ourseves and i appreciate the opportunity to do this on this board. truly. 

all i was doing above in my last post before this one, was stating my feelings and i said in it " (JUST BEING HONEST)" to try to avoid people judging ie, saying things like it is crazy making. i don't care what it is, it is how i FEEL and WHAT IS HAPPENING and makes sense given being in relationship with a BPD partner. 

[wdone]

so, steph, you had asked me what my therapist thought and i specifically asked her today and she said she would not cancel or send back the mail.  she suggested putting in a box and setting it aside. 

and she said that i could call the water company and tell them i do not want it delievered anymore and to please stop, and to pay my half of what i owed when we were both still drinking it. (i have several big water containers in my living room that are full..)

so i will call tomorrow, and see if they will cancel it.  (it's in his name)

as far as the furniture, she got that i didn't want to let go of it yet even if i thought it may be logical, and recommended not doing anything about it right now.  we talked about how my pride is getting in the way, and how she "highly doubts he is seeing anyone else," and that is the only reason i would want it gone.

the chair i always hated (of his) is growing on me as i am appreciating him today.

just checking in with an update. i feel clearer and calmer.

thanks!