I have reached a milestone

[Think About It...]

Hello. Been NC about 3.5 months now.

For the longest time I was tormented by meeting new girls and having them never feel as exciting as the exBPD was. I felt so bored and disconnected from them compared to the fake synchronization I felt with the BPD.

Well its finally happened - I am interested in someone new and healthy to the same or greater level of excitement and intrigue I felt as I was getting to know my exBPD. She is nice to me but she isn't overdoing it. So far no red flags - nothing like the exBPD.

I know its early stages with this new girl so I am not saying its my new perma mate - but to feel as excited about someone new, where they feel like a major upgrade from the exBPD is what thrills me.

Seems like alot of the stuff I liked about the exBPD in the idealization phase without the crazy and her being a low functioning lunatic.

Will update <3

[spark2]

Hello. Been NC about 3.5 months now.

For the longest time I was tormented by meeting new girls and having them never feel as exciting as the exBPD was. I felt so bored and disconnected from them compared to the fake synchronization I felt with the BPD.

Well its finally happened - I am interested in someone new and healthy to the same or greater level of excitement and intrigue I felt as I was getting to know my exBPD. She is nice to me but she isn't overdoing it. So far no red flags - nothing like the exBPD.

I know its early stages with this new girl so I am not saying its my new perma mate - but to feel as excited about someone new, where they feel like a major upgrade from the exBPD is what thrills me.

Seems like alot of the stuff I liked about the exBPD in the idealization phase without the crazy and her being a low functioning lunatic.

Will update <3

[luvapug]

I hear ya!  Feeling that excitement again is a sign of progress and hope! Glad your struggle is now paying off!

-luvapug

[spark2]

I actually ended up halting the effort with the new girl as she admitted that she "had a boyfriend that she has needed to break up with for a while" 

Hehe not ever playing that game again - however, the fact still stands that I felt excited about her. I did the right thing by saying I dont get into that kind of drama - however the fact still stands that I felt that good about someone other than the exBPD.

Now just to meet one who is free and clear.

[spark2]

Also I dont think the stale relationship in the wings means that this new girl was BPD. I find many girls in my age demographic cant be alone so they stay in stale / bad relationships until something new comes along.

Im personally looking for someone who has enough in her life that being alone for a while is a desirable fresh break. (how I feel - especially after being with the BPD) - Also girls who can actually take care of themselves on their own

[luvapug]

Yeah, well I'm looking for someone who appreciates those qualities in me!  .  My city has a junky selection of men, compared to when I lived in Phoenix!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[spark2]

Yeah, well I'm looking for someone who appreciates those qualities in me!  .  My city has a junky selection of men, compared to when I lived in Phoenix!

Yeah sadly the place where I was shipwrecked with my BPD doesn't have many eligible mates for me. She would certainly use that fact to her advantage when she was able to recycle me. Its a small town, and while the people are nice, I dont fit in here at all.

Im not the type to try to fit in as I dont mind just being alone and having a good flow in my life till there is someone where its meaningful to spend time with them. You know - a natural good healthy fit where everyone is just themselves.

[luvapug]

"a natural good healthy fit where everyone is just themselves"-

Sounds good to me! I need to find that too 

[ellil]

Also I dont think the stale relationship in the wings means that this new girl was BPD. I find many girls in my age demographic cant be alone so they stay in stale / bad relationships until something new comes along.

Im personally looking for someone who has enough in her life that being alone for a while is a desirable fresh break. (how I feel - especially after being with the BPD) - Also girls who can actually take care of themselves on their own

Right...I mean, emotional health-wise, why does someone any age stay in a "stale" relationship? Not a healthy sign right there.

You done good!    "Can't be alone" is not a good sign...everrrrr.

M

[spark2]

Also I dont think the stale relationship in the wings means that this new girl was BPD. I find many girls in my age demographic cant be alone so they stay in stale / bad relationships until something new comes along.

Im personally looking for someone who has enough in her life that being alone for a while is a desirable fresh break. (how I feel - especially after being with the BPD) - Also girls who can actually take care of themselves on their own

Right...I mean, emotional health-wise, why does someone any age stay in a "stale" relationship? Not a healthy sign right there.

You done good!    "Can't be alone" is not a good sign...everrrrr.

M

I notice some girls do it because they cant afford to live alone. Well let me say that maybe they can afford to live on their own but not also have their spending spree consumer lifestyle of shoes, cosmetics, blah blah blah to the same level as they do with the guy. I also see the guys that sit there and deal with this. The control the girls exert while they go outside the situation and date other guys till they find an escape path is much like how BPD's look for backups altho these girls aren't BPD, they are just selfish and there are the guys who will deal with it. Both roles are just as bad.

My preference is someone who is at least 30-90 days clear of the last relationship. All of the last breaths of the broken relationship are over. They live on their own. They can take care of their own life. I can discuss and support them in any crisises but I dont have to take control and play daddy. Our lives compliment each other.

[BreatheEasy]

Thank you for sharing!  I am hoping I will meet someone I feel excited about again. I'm almost 5 months out with no contact. I have met guys and I am in a much better place now than I was in the beginning but it is still hard. No one sparks my interest. In fact it makes me miss my ex even more when I dont feel the spark with someone else. I know that I am used to feeling intensity with someone and that doesn't mean they are necessarily good for me.

Thanks again for sharing. There is hope for a healthy relationship yet.

[spark2]

Met another girl I shared chemistry with lastnight.

Spent hours with her. She came by my place to hang out.

Discovered she had a boyfriend.

Got to listen to them argue for 20 minutes because he was pissed that his girlfriend was at some guys house at 2:00 AM.

Le sigh. I really liked this one too.



Red flag air traffic control telling me to land the plane...

[luvapug]

I met a guy last week and we had amazing chemistry, well turns out he just got out of a relationship and is still talking to his GF to make sure it was the right thing to do...dammit! 

[NonGF]

In fact it makes me miss my ex even more when I dont feel the spark with someone else.

I had that experience on my first date post-BPDx.  When we kissed at the end of the date, there was no real spark.  I compared it to my first kiss w/my xBPDbf, and it made me miss him terribly.  I allowed that feeling to pass through, though, and I had a really nice first kiss last night with someone new.     I am so happy I can feel excited about someone else now.  

[spark2]

I met a guy last week and we had amazing chemistry, well turns out he just got out of a relationship and is still talking to his GF to make sure it was the right thing to do...dammit! 

ugh!

At least he made a break The girls I meet try to seduce me, decide what they want to do with current boyfriend at the same time.

Im not doing it.

[ShadowBoxer]

Good for you Spark. You are showing the flint of character. You are becoming a man of principals and character. These are the gifts of the borderline. Once we eradicate the   Fleas, once we finally stop all the nutty comparisons and the circular if only's we are able to take this extraordinary situation and actually grow and become better people. The price may be high...but there is a silver lining. Thank god I too developed and got a  |> radar now. Man o man I see em from a distance now. And it is SO WONDERFUL to feel those romantic feelings again. I now look at Xpdgf like the wicked witch in OZ...I'm melting...I'm melting...I'm melting...

[spark2]

Still chugging along in bachelor land.

I find myself more and more each day meeting and connecting with new people but now I have a new problem.

Everyone I am meeting who lures me in either eyes or attention ends up being a girl in the 21-22 age range. My exBPD was 22.

I'm 36. Really looking for someone a bit more along in life. For some reason the chemistry just works better / more often between me and 21 - 23 yr old girls...

I did meet a nice lass who was 30 but she has a boyfriend of 7 years :/

[luvapug]

LOL, I am 35 and tend to get younger men hitting on me!  it's the sexual chemistry I think...but I keep thinking, I have my sh*t together, I am attractive, fun, I am a single mom  that works full time, and goes to graduate school on top of all that, why do I need to "raise" another person!  I take care of my own and do it well...I guess that is what attracts them to me, but I am responsible and expect them to be as well so I don't appreciate when what they whine about has little to do with real life (whining about not being able to buy this or that or have this or that).  My ex moved into MY house where I paid all the bills and he would spend HIS money on cars and stuff instead of helping out with household things.  I just don't appreciate poor work ethic and immaturity, I guess my first mistake was going for "fun" instead of "responsible" and allowing myself to take care of him more than myself.  I would have done anything for him, but he did very little for me, I think because I did so much it blinded me, made me think that he was giving just as much of himself as I was...but that wasn't the case at all!

-luvapug

[spark2]

Things are still stable over here.

I havent met anyone I would really date yet. Still just chemistry connecting with 21 - 24 yr olds...at nightclubs and bars...

I have refrained from rebound sex opportunities and am proud of myself. I really only enjoy it with someone I am really taken by and am glad I havent just gotten with someone just to do it. The feeling of rebound sex after the exBPD actually really creeps me out considering what actually made sex with the BPD so good. Im worried quick thrill rebound sex would set me back emotionally. I dont want it until its someone I see myself spending some time with and am really into. I need it to match or exceed the level of passion with the exBPD for it not to feel like a set-back. Gonna take some time

No sign of the ex, altho from time to time people will tell me that they have seen her around.

I am really not wanting to ever run into her and really wish she would just go away. My RO expires in a few months. I have this feeling in my gut I will need to reinstate it immediately.

All in all I am enjoying life and taking it one day at a time.

[spark2]

LOL, I am 35 and tend to get younger men hitting on me!  it's the sexual chemistry I think...

I know what you mean. I am young and free no baggage and everything I could want in life in my hands. I am also in remarkably better shape than most people my age so I find that these younger girls really have no idea that I am 36 untill we talk. I ooze this youthful attitude and glow.

I know that once we talk some think I am too old and are surprised to learn my age. Honestly I think a girl aged 23 being too into me might be a red flag. Maybe not... My exBPD at 22 was really the only relationship I had with such an age gap. She sold herself as someone so much more mature for her age in the idealization phase.

[luvapug]

Well, I know for a FACT I was mature for my age around 23 and looking back, I really had no idea how to work through things that a long-term and meaningful relationship encounters.  I didn't know much about who I was, what I was capable, strengths, weaknesses and all those great things you learn over time.  People who have experienced life and taken care of responsibilities are drawn to free-spirited people, but that doesn't mean they are good for the long haul.  If you want to meet your match, stay away from the girls in their young 20's and go for someone who has had some life experiences and doesn't lack substance.  I am not saying all are bad, but the majority have no clue who they really are and I can bet you can find a person with all of your requirements and one that you have intense chemistry with...remember we 30 somethings have way more years of experience, so just keep that in mind!