shattered

[Think About It...]

Today I have received final divorce papers. I initiated the divorce, the NC, the ending of this destructive thing; why do I feel desperately sad? I hate him for this, envy him for the ease with which he has moved on, so very very angry. Don't know what to do.

[Nomanzland]

Today I have received final divorce papers. I initiated the divorce, the NC, the ending of this destructive thing; why do I feel desperately sad? I hate him for this, envy him for the ease with which he has moved on, so very very angry. Don't know what to do.

[forgottenarm]

sigh . . . yeah.  The finality of it.  First off, as a bunch of us have been saying on another thread (Divorced Non's thread, I think), I really don't think they move on as easily as it seems.  I think pwBPD feel a lot of pain when a relationship ends---they just cope in ways that are hurtful and hard to understand.

But the real issue is to remember why the r/s ended.  If you haven't already done so, now would be a good time to write out all the negatives about your r/s---all the ways it wasn't working for YOU.  If you've written that list, pull it out, read it, and add to it.  You might be romanticizing things and maybe that's part of properly acknowledging the end of a significant r/s in your life.  But don't let the nostalgia distort the facts.  You left for a reason.  Remind yourself why this divorce is good for you and focus on the opportunities it creates for you, as you move forward.

Tough night, I know.
 

[Nomanzland]

Thank you FA - I am always touched by the depth of care of folks in here. I am just about living on these message boards the last few days, wandering into other people's experiences and gathering ideas and positive thoughts.
I have written a list of negatives about our r/s and am adding to it each day. My head knows the deal and has for some time, its just that my heart won't keep up. I guess there is a positive in the acceptance that this time, after at least 3 recycles, it is the last time this has to happen. I am no longer in denial and am actually letting the feelings out for the first time really. I have cried many times over the hurt, but have always thought that my efforts can make it work. (FOG) Now I am grieving the total loss of hope for this r/s and that there will be no more good times with him.  I am at the point now of writing him a huge long letter that I will never break contact to actually send, but just as a kind of cathartic ritual I think. I am tired of obsessing about him; its exhausting.
I have a long long way to go. I am just grateful for the real care of people who know.   

[forgottenarm]

Yes, the pain when you really let go is different than the pain when you're still in the cycle.  It's scarier, I think, but also less painful somehow.  Maybe because, as you say, you know this is where it will end.  I went through 3 major recycles, too.  Not married but living together.  It was really difficult to finally walk away, especially after he accepted it and gave up on me, but I have found it much MUCH easier than the agony of past break-ups with him.  There's a peace to it. 

And let's face it---staying in a toxic r/s is just a way to put off the rest of your life.  It's an obstacle.  It squanders your opportunities for happiness and fulfillment.  Know that you've learned all you needed to learn from your ex and it's time to get on with the rest of your life now.  Your story will continue!

 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Nomanzland]

Today I got an email from him asking if I have received the papers, and how am I? He also prays all is well with me.
The needy part of me wants to pour out my anger and grief at him, then I think of his recent flirty Facebook entries to another woman, and it helps me to keep it in. I replied that I had received the paperwork and that it was on its way back to the attorney. No emotions involved. I feel a little empowered but also very pathetic for checking my emails again all day. I guess it will take time...

[ellil]

Hi Nomanzland, 

My divorce from my nonBPD husband was final last year and I have to tell you, it was the saddest day of my life. I left him. I filed for divorce. He was crushed. I couldn't wait to begin a new life.

I cried after we left court, all the way home, and the rest of the day. I don't think I was ever that sad. Divorce is sad and it's awful, and it's the death of a dream.

Don't be hard on yourself. I'd venture to say most people react that way.

Also, you're right to not fall for his concern. I'd also suggest you cut the ties if you can and block the FB. Now is the time to heal and it's much harder if he's always there scratching the wound.

M

[Nomanzland]

I wish I knew what it was that made some hours, some days better than others so I could feel that way all the time... Im not obsessing about what he is doing, nor about why things have happened, just feel empty inside and as though something huge is missing. I am guessing that its when you no longer concentrate on "being single" that maybe you're open to something happening with someone else. Right now it seems like every one in the WORLD is in a good relationship! I know thats not true and even good ones take a lot of work.
Just my two cents today.