destructive towards relationship - aware or unaware

[Think About It...]

I see a pattern in our r/s :

She doesn't really contribute to build/maintain the relationship/we/us. Rather, her actions are destructive towards the relationship/we/us.

Someone recognize?

Is she consciously aware of the destructive outcome of her actions - ie, is she evil, does she enjoy?

Is she not aware - ie, is she forgivable?

[careman]

I see a pattern in our r/s :

She doesn't really contribute to build/maintain the relationship/we/us. Rather, her actions are destructive towards the relationship/we/us.

Someone recognize?

Is she consciously aware of the destructive outcome of her actions - ie, is she evil, does she enjoy?

Is she not aware - ie, is she forgivable?

[Validation78]

 
Hi Careman!

Yes, there are patterns that are common amongst many pwBPD. It helps to understand them, and to learn what we can do to deal with them, and to make positive changes in the way relate to one another. The lessons to your right would be a great place for you to start learning about BPD behaviors, and how you can make positive changes in your relationship.
 
I do not believe that pwBPD are evil and that they enjoy what they are doing. IMHO they are scared, in pain, and feel powerless over the inner anguish they experience. BPD is a mental illness, and if your partner has it, and you want to maintain your relationship, there are many things within your power that can be done to improve it.

Best Wishes,
Val78

[Writer]

I do not believe that pwBPD are evil and that they enjoy what they are doing. IMHO they are scared, in pain, and feel powerless over the inner anguish they experience. BPD is a mental illness, and if your partner has it, and you want to maintain your relationship, there are many things within your power that can be done to improve it.

Yes!  This!  Also, the workshop on forgiveness is also very instructive regarding your question. In my personal view, my forgiveness is given for my own peace of heart, and I cannot condition it on her intent or even awareness of the implications of her actions. But that is my personal opinion only. Welcome to the boards!

[briefcase]

 


It's pretty typical that our partners are doing things that damage our relationships, that's why we're all here.  BPD is a mental illness, not evil.  But, the damage and destruction to the relationship is real. 

Have you read our Lessons?

[RUkidding]

I agree with everyone else . I've been to all three boards and have recently had my r/s end for good. I don't think there evil or they really understand how destructive they are to the r/s. that is the most frustrating thing. You. Can't have a real discussion with them about what is going on in the r/s. they are so defensive they can't take any criticism at all. Went to a counselor once and she wouldn't go back because she felt like she was being unfairly blamed. I admire those on this board that keep sticking it out and trying to help their loved one. To me though it is futile unless they acknowledge their condition and seek professional help. I don't think they know what they are putting u thru or appreciate the pain and suffering u are enduring . I do .

[waverider]

In many ways they are a 6 year old in an adults body. You dont expect a 6 year old to show much empathy towards their parents when they are throwing unreasonable tantrums, a BPD s much the same.

They may look like adults and part function like adults, but much of them is stuck in 6 year old thought processes.

The thing tht makes it hard for BPDs to fit in is that they look like anyone else, and much of the time they can act the same. As a result people expect them to act the same and cut them no slack. So the first sign of antisocial behaviour and they are labelled, bad/ evil / abusive and either cut off, avoided or retaliated against. A life time of this and they become isolated, low self esteem, and full of abandonment issues.

They find someone else who is a bit low in confidence who needs a bit of confidence building, and they throw their whole being into "selling" themselves, treating you like a king or queen. You are the first person that ever understood them, they paint everyone else black.

Your hooked and in the cycle. They are acting the adult, but cant sustain it and fall back into the 6 year old roll complete with tantrums. For it to survive you have to accept it and stand up and realize you are the only true adult in the relationship. allowed a free hand and they will become the naughty child who accepts responsibility for nothing, and does not truely understand the consequencies of her actions on others.

The main difference to a child is they have had a lifetime of ducking and weaving responsibility and so can be quite professional manipulators and difficult to pin down