uBPDw is starting to bring children into it-need quick help

[Think About It...]

Hi all. I am in unfamiliar territory. Wife and I are living seperate. She has never used the kids in the dysregulating. Two d 17 and 19 both know mom has issues . Last week I had a charity event that girls and I were planning on attending together suddenly wife decided to drive them there rather than me pick up. I shrugged it off   Today I was going shopping with oldest after her work she just told me that mom insists on going with us as she doesn't want me to hurt them. No basis for that assertion. I have never or would ever hurt children   This is new territory for me I need some quick insight. 19 yr old is adult but still living at home. Need some quick input please
I not sure of her motives

[desperate dutchman]

Hi all. I am in unfamiliar territory. Wife and I are living seperate. She has never used the kids in the dysregulating. Two d 17 and 19 both know mom has issues . Last week I had a charity event that girls and I were planning on attending together suddenly wife decided to drive them there rather than me pick up. I shrugged it off   Today I was going shopping with oldest after her work she just told me that mom insists on going with us as she doesn't want me to hurt them. No basis for that assertion. I have never or would ever hurt children   This is new territory for me I need some quick insight. 19 yr old is adult but still living at home. Need some quick input please
I not sure of her motives

[needbpdhelp]

Today I was going shopping with oldest after her work she just told me that mom insists on going with us as she doesn't want me to hurt them. No basis for that assertion. I have never or would ever hurt children   This is new territory for me I need some quick insight. 19 yr old is adult but still living at home. Need some quick input please
I not sure of her motives

Seems like your daughter is old enough to question her mom about this. What is her take on why her mom feels this way? Did you ask her?

needBPDhelp

[Writer]

Agree with NBH.  Also, given their advance ages, what does everyone think about asking her--in front of the girls--why she would say such a thing?  My thinking is if she denys it, turn to the girls and say "OK.  Must have been a miscommunication."  Then drop it.  If she has a reason, discuss it calmly in front of the girls, disengaging immediately if she becomes nasty.  But, I like the idea of sending the message to her clearly that you will not stand for secret conversations/coersions going on between she and the girls and you will confront her with them so she can't throw them under the bus.

[andywho]

Today I was going shopping with oldest after her work she just told me that mom insists on going with us as she doesn't want me to hurt them. No basis for that assertion. I have never or would ever hurt children   This is new territory for me I need some quick insight. 19 yr old is adult but still living at home. Need some quick input please
I not sure of her motives

Seems like your daughter is old enough to question her mom about this. What is her take on why her mom feels this way? Did you ask her?

needBPDhelp

I was wondering about this aswell. From earlier post i seem too recall that your kids know your wifes condition. Shouldnt your daughter question why your wife would say something like that?

Andy

[tuum est61]

Agree with NBH.  Also, given their advance ages, what does everyone think about asking her--in front of the girls--why she would say such a thing?  

Don't see any upside in that.  DD would just be dragging the girls into the dysregulation himself and taking her bait. I am not sure of all of her motives to picking up the girls and making the "safety" comments, but provocation is one of them.

[yeeter]

Wasnt there a big deregulation while on vacation, about you getting dressed in the same room as your daughters?

This concern seems to be more than a one time thing.  It seems like she has it in her mind that you are a threat/predator to your daughters.

Something is driving it (I mean something in her mind...).

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks everyone.  I will try to answer the questions as best I can   I do suspect some type of sexual exploitation occurred to my wife when she was younger. She denies if asked.  I lean toward not confronting her at this time as she is a hair trigger it would only make her dysregulate.  Yeeter the vacation deal is that I walked into the bathroom while daughter was in there to dress and she had not locked door  therefore I am "pedophile" because of embarrassing moment. 

19 yr old is not confident enough to stand up to mom. I am trying to teach her set and dearman   Problem is that she is still a teenager and confused by this   

I am leaning toward just letting wife tag along and enjoying my time with daughter. Not letting her be the focus of our time together. Keep giving me ideas cuz we meet up in 5 hours ?

[yeeter]

it worries me Dutch,

Because if she is thinking this, she is presenting it in this way to others.  I would work to get it all on the table in some fashion - because these days a person is 'guilty until proven innocent'  (accusations alone ARE damaging!).

At a minimum I would make an appointment with your D's and a social worker of some type, to be interviewed and a formal record created from their perspective stating that nothing evil is going on.

?  Others advice?

(and for now, just letting her come along is no problem per se - its a public outing and you cant really make her stay away)

[tuum est61]

it worries me Dutch,

Because if she is thinking this, she is presenting it in this way to others.  I would work to get it all on the table in some fashion - because these days a person is 'guilty until proven innocent'  (accusations alone ARE damaging!).

At a minimum I would make an appointment with your D's and a social worker of some type, to be interviewed and a formal record created from their perspective stating that nothing evil is going on.

?  Others advice?

(and for now, just letting her come along is no problem per se - its a public outing and you cant really make her stay away)

Yeeter - I understand your concerns.   I agree there is a guilty until proven innocent paradigm within the legal system when it comes to that particular form of abuse.  I made up my mind, however, when I separated from my ex W (and I had full custody of my 3 daughters at young ages), that I would not live as if I was guilty.  I wasn't a fool about it and applied some discretion but I simply was not going to live trying to drive the risk to zero.  

DD - Given your daughter is 19 - an adult - and this is a public outing, I suggest that there is no need for W to be in attendance. And because you are separated I see the demand by your W as being nothing more than provocation. Catering to it may feed it.

But you know your situation and the level of risk.  Good luck with your decision.  

[needbpdhelp]

Yeeter the vacation deal is that I walked into the bathroom while daughter was in there to dress and she had not locked door  therefore I am "pedophile" because of embarrassing moment. 

I agree with Yeeter if  your wife means 'sexually' when worried about you hurting the girls. This thinking needs to be stopped now if possible for everyone's sake. Could you have a heart to heart with your oldest D to see if her mom has ever expressed a concern like this about you to her? Was your wife serious about the pedophile remark do you think?

needBPDhelp

[waverider]

Given your Ds ages and the facts that they know about W condition. Give them SWOE to read if they need to know it is a recognised issue not just your opinion. I dont see a lot of danger here, they know you, they know their mum. If mum is making baseless paranoid accusations, they will now she is way off mark, in fact if anything it could turn them against their mum.

Brought my kids up S15 & D17, and if God Almighty sat them down and made accusations like that they would think he was crazy. Let alone some bitter and twisted ex with mental illness ( my ex tried it and backfired very badly)

[Blazing Star]

Hi Dutch,

I echo the talking to your daughters about it, maybe even reassuring them (who knows what mum has been filling their heads with). Even - if feels appropriate - tell them that when people have had bad things happen to them they fear it happening to others - regardless of the reality, and that Fear in that case is indeed False Evidence Appearing Real. (my mum, not BPD was the same, fearing things happening to me, i had to reassure her that it was her experience, not mine).
An honest, reassuring talk with them.

And then having a separate talk to your wife, validating that it must be hard fearing for her daughters, you understand this need to protect. You feel the same, you would protect them from anything bad happening to them, they are "our" daughters, they are precious.

Then depending on how this goes, if not so great then I second yeeter getting something on record that this has been looked into, clearing your name just in case - sounds awful, but you never know.

Feeling for you. Let us know what happens.

Love Blazing Star

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks everybody. Weird thing happened. Wife called me with a small emergency said our truck was on fire and smoking. I told her to call fire department and when she said no I realized that it wasnt a dire emergency. So we talked it through her anxiety was up and I was infix it mode  the great thing is that at one point she tried to restate what she was hearing   I goofed and interrupted once but appologized for the interruption and had her continue. She went off the deep end later talking about something else but I was happy that she seemed to be using a skill that is therapy related.  I feel like she may be taking steps ( she would never admit it to me where we are now  ) had to abort the plan with my daughter   For the paranoid out there she did not sabotage the truck to avoid the date with my d  this was a known issue on the truck that I hoped wouldn't fail during the summer.
I also asked if she thought about where our marriage is going she got excited started to melt down thinking I was asking for a decision  she calmed down when i said that I was only asking about whether she was "thinking" about it. 
Small steps for sure

[yeeter]

Dutch!   

Its good that there was an interaction that was a little better than in the past!


But I have to point out this idea of rushing into save the day (or fix it mode).  Wondering if this tendency isnt part of what set the relationship up to begin with, and might be worth exploring about yourself.  The tone of your post suggests it was a natural thing for you to do and you got satisfaction out of it.

I wonder if you couldnt have just let the truck wait (if its not on fire), and go to the outing with your D (somehow) and do the truck at a later time.

(and yes, I am paranoid - it is a common thing for a crisis to magically appear every time I am doing something my wife doesnt like - but ok, that wasnt it this time - your radar was up for that sort of thing)

Whats the flavor of things today?

[desperate dutchman]

Howdy Yeeter 
I know what you are saying I draw the line on everything else but the cars (if we don't work we don't get paid and we don't have a lot of extra money) I was returning her car to her anyway   Other than the cars I haven't lifted a finger. She probably was being a little histrionic about the whole event and I recognize that I validated it  told her it must have been scary to see smoke under the hood while driving. I got in the truck and drove it to friends house to fix it temporarily
I will keep you posted

[Randi Kreger]

Hi all. I am in unfamiliar territory. Wife and I are living seperate. She has never used the kids in the dysregulating. Two d 17 and 19 both know mom has issues . Last week I had a charity event that girls and I were planning on attending together suddenly wife decided to drive them there rather than me pick up. I shrugged it off   Today I was going shopping with oldest after her work she just told me that mom insists on going with us as she doesn't want me to hurt them. No basis for that assertion. I have never or would ever hurt children   This is new territory for me I need some quick insight. 19 yr old is adult but still living at home. Need some quick input please
I not sure of her motives

I think Bill Eddy's book Don't Alientate the Kids is a great book for this.

[Wanda]

my husband never really brought the kids into it, but sometimes now he does and they are older, but they know about my husband and his condition, due to also being older.
 so they do what i do, and respond to him as i do.  and all goes well. my kids know not to answer a phone call and walk away when things get  bad with anyone...,
 my kids are all over 19 and an adult..

[tuum est61]

But I have to point out this idea of rushing into save the day (or fix it mode).  Wondering if this tendency isnt part of what set the relationship up to begin with, and might be worth exploring about yourself.  The tone of your post suggests it was a natural thing for you to do and you got satisfaction out of it.

DD -  I quoted yeeter above because rescue - and ESPECIALLY vehicle rescue -  was (and probably still is) a major issue for me.  I would always rush in, when she is fully capable - through her own resources - of getting things done on her own. 

I am quasi separated and my W has been doing quite well on the vehicle repair.  I have stepped back, and it has smoothed one rough area in our relationship - and helped me to not be so "helpful" in other areas as well.   I know you may in fact be a half decent mechanic, and money is tight, but to the extent she can play you over it and maintain this victim/rescuer dynamic, you might consider a different approach. 

[desperate dutchman]

I am open to any suggestions how to not come to the rescue.  I am at a loss I desperately hoping that we can stop the extra job that we share. I would continue with the side jobs but she would not be involved. I am making sure that we meet our financial obligations as best I can

[desperate dutchman]

Hi all I had a long talk with my oldest daughter about what is happening. She said that her mom has gotten worse four weeks ago it was ok to visit me, now wife  does not want girls to be around me  because I may hurt them (sexually or physically)   Daughter does not believe I have ever hurt her or her sister. She also said that her mom will no longer allow her boyfriend and her to touch/cuddle in the house. Mom is doing a lot of hovering over both kids   Daughter said that they are argueing a bit more mom keeps calling them disrespectful and interrupting her. (they are great kids). Over all it seems that she is trying to keep them close because it's the only thing she can hold on to.   There is a little more detail but I don't have time to post it all  gotta go I am off for a hike with a friend   

[Special thanks to our sponsors!]

Special thanks to our sponsors! Keeping us on the air in 2013 Pay it forward Here
	123Phoebe 1989 1bravegirl 20years 23tesla 5keepers Alastor alf aluminumRob Amber3 ambi AmericanTemplar an0ught Arecibo armsreach Arthur artman.1 At_Bay Auspicious aussie mumma Aussieman babyducks Bananas bb12 beachgirl009 BeenReplaced BeenThereB4 BehindTheWall Being Mindful Belka berry Blazing Star BlueTiffany BradyK briefcase cal644 CalledaPerson Cannon captain4464 cbas cfh charred chayka Chosen Cici cindyr cleotokos Cmjo CodependentHusband ComoLu ComplexOpus Conundrum coworkerfriend Cumulus dauada David Dare daze deelee950 dharmagems Dire Wolf dusk eac elessar eniale Exonerated eyvindr faithfull fakename findingmyselfagain Firequelcher flatspin Forgetmenot Free One freshlySane fromheeltoheal Gbirdmom GeekyGirl goldylamont goodguy gottafixit Grammy17201 griz GustheDog Healing4Ever heartandwhole Her Mother heronbird heyhey hijodeganas hithere hopeforhealing How do I do This? HowPredictable Hunter56 Hurt llama Hurtbad Inspirationneeded isshebpd Jai Yen jalbright jaleo2000 jargon337 jb1 jessienbp JetsFan joanlee johnnyonthespot jordana418 Joseph54 just me. Kate4queen keepwalking keldubs78 kellygirl601 Kelsie Kewahkah kimberlysc knowing laelle lbjnltx Leaf livefreebpdfamily loved_her? LoveNotWar LP luckyduck LuckyEscapee LuvMontana Major_Dad mamachelle MammaMia mango_flower maria1 maryy16 meditator Memorial Donation (11) mggt michaelwriting midori0 Mightyhammers Millie12 MomsBestFriendNoMore Moorpark Mountaineagle mp2? Mr Mom... mymiracles MySanctuary Nelson1962 newlyhopeful nomoredrama71 nonhere NorthernGirl nothinleft NotTheMama NYCgirl NY-LON Odysseus. Oldsoldier2411 OnceConfused ontherox opheliasmom Orange patientandclear Patty peaceplease peppie Phoenix.Rising pinkpeony PrettyPlease Pugman Rapt Reader really refuge rethinking RiseUp rj47 Robhart rockman Rocky777 Rockylove rogerroger rollercoaster24 Rose1 Sabine saddle_tramp SadWifeofBPD SailMonkey salvia Sancho scallops Scarlet Phoenix schwing scraps66 screechowl seahorse Seb sfgirl skinny13 somuchlove southernsis splitinga still around strangerinparadise StrongEnough struggli stupafly Sullyone Surnia susanleona swampped T. Moore tailspin Take2 Tess Russell Thursday TigerEye Tippy toliveistofly Tracy62 Triptoes tryingtohelp tuum est61 twojaybirds upsidedown VeryScared vfsdan Vindi vivekananda waitaminute WalrusGumboot Want2know watersedge waverider wee_one whatshappening whiletheseasonspass whirlpoollife whitemouse Wimowe winston72 wishingwell17 withBPD WorkingOnIt worn_out WrongWoman wuzdownandgetnbetter yamada yeeter
	If you made a donation and your name does not appear on this list or here , please contact us so that we can confirm that the payment was properly credited to BPDFamily.
	Pay it forward Here