last chance

[Think About It...]

Dear all,

I never know what to do or if what I do is right whenever I ask a question in threads or use personal experience to make a point because I don't want to hijack other's threads.  ? although the answer to my question might seem relevant to the issue broached in said thread. Sorry if I ever went too far, I'm awkward at times.  ;p  

Well, just in case, I start a new thread because, as more or less explained below, I'm wondering if sending my future ex-wife a last text message would be useful or not ? useful to me ? useful to her ? useful to us ?

Please, what is your opinion ?

------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you, tuum est61, for your answer and questions.

Might be too late because I've received divorce papers and that I can't communicate with her anymore. Because the communication stopped when I had, at last, found the means to stop getting things worse and had tools on hand to improve our r/s. If the divorce is ever decided, then be it ! But I wish I had the opportunity to, at least, try said tools. I wish I could just send her a text message with what andy wrote above*. Maybe not for her, but at least for me...

Recently, I've tried to put things in perspective between what results from her BPD pattern and what results from my mistakes. Most of the conclusions I drew were a great relief to me. I've read plenty of threads on L3 and I've come to understand many patterns and ways of hers as being typically BPDs and I've understood that her demands were just what many BPDs demand too. I don't feel guilt anymore over many issues. I've understood also that I can't redo the past but I want (need) to make up for what I couldn't do back then because of my ignorance.

I made mistakes, plenty of them. I just wish I could still talk to her once more and tell her what I should have told her several months ago.

Maybe that my feelings right now are just the extinction bursts of my inner sorrow and guilt but as long as the divorce isn't decided, I can't help but keep hoping...

As for the rest of what you said. You are right. It was important to reassure her and let her know that I love her. I know that she knows that I love her dearly but she feels misunderstood and I just wish I would have told her what she needed to hear even if it didn't make sense to me back then.

Quite hard to have a balanced stand/opinion about such issues and to heal our wounds while keeping having a logical way to address said issues.

* I can see you are angry and sad... i understand how you feel. I would also feel like that if i felt the RS was so bad that i had no other option then to move out. I respect your desicion and i will not stop you from leaving me if thats what you feel you must do.

[flatspin]

Dear all,

I never know what to do or if what I do is right whenever I ask a question in threads or use personal experience to make a point because I don't want to hijack other's threads.  ? although the answer to my question might seem relevant to the issue broached in said thread. Sorry if I ever went too far, I'm awkward at times.  ;p  

Well, just in case, I start a new thread because, as more or less explained below, I'm wondering if sending my future ex-wife a last text message would be useful or not ? useful to me ? useful to her ? useful to us ?

Please, what is your opinion ?

------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you, tuum est61, for your answer and questions.

Might be too late because I've received divorce papers and that I can't communicate with her anymore. Because the communication stopped when I had, at last, found the means to stop getting things worse and had tools on hand to improve our r/s. If the divorce is ever decided, then be it ! But I wish I had the opportunity to, at least, try said tools. I wish I could just send her a text message with what andy wrote above*. Maybe not for her, but at least for me...

Recently, I've tried to put things in perspective between what results from her BPD pattern and what results from my mistakes. Most of the conclusions I drew were a great relief to me. I've read plenty of threads on L3 and I've come to understand many patterns and ways of hers as being typically BPDs and I've understood that her demands were just what many BPDs demand too. I don't feel guilt anymore over many issues. I've understood also that I can't redo the past but I want (need) to make up for what I couldn't do back then because of my ignorance.

I made mistakes, plenty of them. I just wish I could still talk to her once more and tell her what I should have told her several months ago.

Maybe that my feelings right now are just the extinction bursts of my inner sorrow and guilt but as long as the divorce isn't decided, I can't help but keep hoping...

As for the rest of what you said. You are right. It was important to reassure her and let her know that I love her. I know that she knows that I love her dearly but she feels misunderstood and I just wish I would have told her what she needed to hear even if it didn't make sense to me back then.

Quite hard to have a balanced stand/opinion about such issues and to heal our wounds while keeping having a logical way to address said issues.

* I can see you are angry and sad... i understand how you feel. I would also feel like that if i felt the RS was so bad that i had no other option then to move out. I respect your desicion and i will not stop you from leaving me if thats what you feel you must do.

[tuum est61]

Flatspin,

By your screen name, I assume you are a pilot or at least know a bit about flying and that a flatspin is a situation that is nearly impossible to get out of.  None of your control inputs seem to have effect.  I am guessing that's why you chose the name relative to your W's BPD.

Well, here you are, nearing the ground. You have not bailed so far, but you haven't managed to get the plane back into control either.  Its a tough decision. 

I really feel for you. I could be on the same trajectory.  I have separated but am still seeing my W ocassionally.  I don't know how I will react if that final moment is in front of me.  I will probably want to send one "final" text as well.

Apparently Yeeter stepped back from the "brink" - the final separation and divorce and commited to living with BPD, making the changes he needed to make to allow his marriage to continue. He probably faced this very moment and may have some advice that I have no experience to give. 

[RUkidding]

I feel for u and the thoughts u are having about apologizing for not knowing things and you would've done things different , and you want one more chance to try again.  I had similar thoughts myself at one time, then I finally woke up. Basically what you are saying is you should of realized she was mentally ill, acknowledged that it wasn't her fault she couldn't/wouldn't get treatment took more of her abuse accepted All the blame for everything dealt Hester with her mood swings and projection and realized how lucky u were that she let you do all these things for her while if you were lucky she tossed u a crumb or two . Sorry for. Ring so direct but I was in that place too and for longer than I'd like to admit. When u get out of it and look back u will realize the hell that u were in. If I hadn't been there myself I wouldn't believe that anyone would allow themselves to be treated the way we did and then actually hope that we could do more and try harder so maybe just maybe we would get a lil love in return. Wake up don't waste an email those divorce papers are your get out of hell pass. Sign off as quick as you get and have a r/s with someone who can actually give something to the r/s instead of just take.

[yeeter]

Hi Flatspin.

Tough times man.  

In my case it might be a little different because I was the one that initiated the divorce, so within my control to abort.  Which I did the week before the court hearing on how everything was to be split up.

More than one divorce attorney I spoke with stated that ANYTHING can happen.  That nothing is final until its final (and even then sometimes its not final).  I knew a lady once (work colleague) that was married 4 times.  It was only after a year of knowing her did she share with me that all 4 marriages were to the SAME GUY!  (they seemed very happy together and both very sane... I really dont know the story of how they came to divorce 3 times)

Others here have taken multiple years away from each other (while still staying married), and have come back together.  Sometimes this has included other people during the time apart, sometimes not.

Im just saying, there are no set rules.  I dont see any downside to your attempt at communicating.  And have read what you are suggesting:  Its honest.  Its not blaming.  Its empathetic.  The only thing I would add to it, would be to state YOUR feelings and desires towards the relationship.  That you DO want to work to change yourself and apply these changes to the relationship (and them maybe your sentence about respecting her decisions on the matter).  Also I might edit out the comment about 'understanding' how she feels.  Likely you dont understand (none of us can really understand)

You might not get the response you hope for.  But you know this.  No way to know if its useful to her because you dont know her state of mind.

But by sending the note - you can erase future doubt that you tried, right to the end, to reach out to her and make it work.  So in this way I think, is useful to you.

If you want to send it - post again what you want to send and lets see what suggestions people have on it.  Its pretty close though.

 

[tuum est61]

Flatspin,

I knew yeeter would have some sage advice - helpful for me as well as I consider my path forward.

I liked his observation that divorce is not final.  I would send a note on the premise that I tried as well. 

Thanks yeeter!   

[kimberlysc]

Flatspin...you feel the same way I do about posting...it is hard and everyone on here seems so intelligent,.  The main thing is that you speak from the heart and give the best advice you possibly can...and that is all anyone can ask for. 
As for texting-your wife...go for it the worst that can happen is nothing.  Good luck to you with whatever happens.

[Dynamic]

flatspin,
Give it a shot. But choose your words carefully. Maybe you can ask her to put the divorce on hold for say 6 months so she can think it through! If possible try to call (I know both of you are in 2 countries) & talk to her rather than send an email.

I feel for you going through the turmoil. I can also see how much you love & care for her in spite of all she put you through.

Hope you get a second chance to try & work it out.

Take care, flatspin.

[flatspin]

Dear all,

I would like to thank you all, sincerely, for your very kind and compassionate messages. They truly were comforting to me. I'm sorry for the delay in answering but as I had been much present on the forum last week reading lessons and posts, I couldn't delay any longer my work.

After reading your messages last week, I decided to phone my mother-in-law. The call lasted one hour. It was the first time that I directly talked to her since I met my wife. Before then, we had only communicated through e-mails. One of my wife's brothers only was present at our wedding. My wife had painted her mother black so much that I really was stressed out talking to her. She was very kind and talking to her and having news from my beloved wife was a great relief. I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I could pour out my heart, tell her that I had tried the best I could and repeat again and again my deep love for my wife and my earnest desire that a solution be found and that my wife changes her mind as for the divorce. She said that she understood my feelings, that my wife's behaviour had probably nothing to do with me and that by now, time and patience were what mattered. I understood as well that a text message wouldn't be pertinent given my wife's situation and frame of mind so I dropped the idea.

I talked about BPD to her. She said that she didn't know about BPD but that as of yet, she thought that my wife was bipolar. As I didn't want her to think that I was lecturing her, I didn't talk too much about BPD, excepted a few allusions once in a while in order to show her that some reactions of her daughter were in fact following BPD patterns. However, I later sent her an e-mail with some excerpt from this forum or other ones in which I had found interesting comments to share with her (for example, a post in which it was said that ADHD, bipolar and BPD was a terrible cocktail called the triangle of hell, etc.) My wife had always told me that she had ADHD.

Well, I don't know what the future holds for me but I feel much more relieved since I talked to her. That's a terrible feeling being asked by my kith and kin here how my wife is and not being able to answer anything because months go by and nobody answers me. That's a huge feeling of helplessness. I wish people would answer me "I feel for you!" or even "get lost!" but this silence and this seemingly carelessness is unbearable.

Now that I feel better and that I've poured out my heart, I'll keep living my life waiting for the love of my life to wake up or to fall into sleep and oblivion forever... I'll take care of me, go traveling, take an appartment, go visit my family in other regions, etc.

My heart is still ablaze with love for my wife, always will ! but I won't impose it on her if she doesn't want it anymore...

[yeeter]

Thanks for the update flatspin.

   

I know its not what you wanted, but I glad you were able to speak to you MIL  It sounds like a useful call and some validation for you that your wife does have problems which are recognized. 

You gave it your all - the future will be determined by fate.  Goodluck to you on going forward and living your life, travel, and explore.

 

[Dynamic]

flatspin,
Good thing that you had a talk with your MIL. I am glad that you are feeling better after that talk.

But did you get a chance to talk to your w? (unless I missed your update that you spoke to her)

Take care, flatspin.