Starting counseling for myself... new perspective

[Think About It...]

Finally have a counseling set for myself NEXT Thursday and for about 12 weeks (mid Nov, near uBPDh's birthday we will be finishing)...Surprisingly or not, uBPDh supports MY wanting to go to counseling after I have made it clear that I do not feel safe to share the depths of my feelings with him...most are ABOUT him and he knows that.I feel good about doing this for myself. I need to talk to someone who will understand and support my life goals and give me some support and encouragement.

I have always been a very INDEPENDENT woman (worked full time, etc) until I moved to be with him over 1.5 years ago...I have no employment, social outlet or car in my name. I have adjusted to my 'new life' and realize that I have a NEW way of making it better for me and him...

He plays his games up to 10 hours a day. I fix dinner, do errands, take my son to play, etc...and we eat together. I am 'letting him' be alone with the puppies and not feeling that I have to "give me attention". I have had to grieve this LOSS of time with him but hope that he will feel the NEED to DO MORE than he has been doing to make our lives better.

My uBPDh SEES that I have been depressed and when I have been withdrawn, sullen and quiet around him and he seems to be wanting to "help me feel better"...having him NOT emotionally dysregulate helps. I mentioned quietly that "I need" a few things in my life and he says "then we will do whatever we need to do to get that for you"...Earlier this week, he was discussing about property and said "his home" and quickly changed to "our home"...I smiled faintly. He included ME rather than excluded me as he used to do...Some of the things that I have been talking about needing are 1) being able to redecorate the living and dining rooms. I have not added my things to them; need painting, new draperies, new carpet, etc. I am letting my creativity flow and talk to him freely about "what I would like" and he seems to be very supportive in helping me "be happy"...
2) creating an office for my writing 3) creating a "workstation" for my beading and jewelry making and 4) reorganizing his "collections" and creating more living space in our home for US. I feel good about moving forward with this now. It seems to me that HE needs to "feel in charge" of it and I am now aware and willing to "let him DO" this for ME.

I know he is a wonderful man; I love him very much but if it takes "being needy" to help him feel useful, effective and a BIG PART of my life and happiness, then I am willing to do it...
what do you think?

[real lady]

Finally have a counseling set for myself NEXT Thursday and for about 12 weeks (mid Nov, near uBPDh's birthday we will be finishing)...Surprisingly or not, uBPDh supports MY wanting to go to counseling after I have made it clear that I do not feel safe to share the depths of my feelings with him...most are ABOUT him and he knows that.I feel good about doing this for myself. I need to talk to someone who will understand and support my life goals and give me some support and encouragement.

I have always been a very INDEPENDENT woman (worked full time, etc) until I moved to be with him over 1.5 years ago...I have no employment, social outlet or car in my name. I have adjusted to my 'new life' and realize that I have a NEW way of making it better for me and him...

He plays his games up to 10 hours a day. I fix dinner, do errands, take my son to play, etc...and we eat together. I am 'letting him' be alone with the puppies and not feeling that I have to "give me attention". I have had to grieve this LOSS of time with him but hope that he will feel the NEED to DO MORE than he has been doing to make our lives better.

My uBPDh SEES that I have been depressed and when I have been withdrawn, sullen and quiet around him and he seems to be wanting to "help me feel better"...having him NOT emotionally dysregulate helps. I mentioned quietly that "I need" a few things in my life and he says "then we will do whatever we need to do to get that for you"...Earlier this week, he was discussing about property and said "his home" and quickly changed to "our home"...I smiled faintly. He included ME rather than excluded me as he used to do...Some of the things that I have been talking about needing are 1) being able to redecorate the living and dining rooms. I have not added my things to them; need painting, new draperies, new carpet, etc. I am letting my creativity flow and talk to him freely about "what I would like" and he seems to be very supportive in helping me "be happy"...
2) creating an office for my writing 3) creating a "workstation" for my beading and jewelry making and 4) reorganizing his "collections" and creating more living space in our home for US. I feel good about moving forward with this now. It seems to me that HE needs to "feel in charge" of it and I am now aware and willing to "let him DO" this for ME.

I know he is a wonderful man; I love him very much but if it takes "being needy" to help him feel useful, effective and a BIG PART of my life and happiness, then I am willing to do it...
what do you think?

[Triptoes]

First off, getting yourself into individual counceling is a great step! I think it will be very beneficial for you with helping you get some validation for your feelings, clarify your goals and how to get to them. 

It is wonderful that the relationship between you and your H has lately been improving. He's starting to want to be there for you more, including you and you feel braver to open up to him about your wants and needs. This is great progress!

However, I find myself a bit confused. You said you used to be an independent woman, but have now "adjusted" to your current life. Are you satisfied with your current life or do you miss being more independent?
How do you feel about this:

It seems to me that HE needs to "feel in charge" of it and I am now aware and willing to "let him DO" this for ME.

If you want these home improvements to be joint efforts and activities with your husband, with him having a lot of say, than everything sounds wonderful. However, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but somehow I sense some degree of surrendering to his will here? Would you rather yourself be "in charge" of this, but think that stating that would be rocking the boat too much? How does it feel like to have him "do this for you"?

I love him very much but if it takes "being needy" to help him feel useful, effective and a BIG PART of my life and happiness, then I am willing to do it...

I'm only asking because this quote from you sounds like you are doubting this yourself, at least a tiny bit.

I cannot give you direct advice as I have never really been in an exactly similar situation. I am a pretty independent and stubborn lady, and happen to run over my husband when it comes to home improvement projects or plans maybe more often than not.. Yet at the same time a share many codependent traits and have harboured resentment over not having my needs met or my wants heard before _

[real lady]

Thank you Triptoes for your reply; great questions

It is wonderful that the relationship between you and your H has lately been improving. He's starting to want to be there for you more, including you and you feel braver to open up to him about your wants and needs. This is great progress.

I am happy about it too...thanks.

However, I find myself a bit confused. You said you used to be an independent woman, but have now "adjusted" to your current life. Are you satisfied with your current life or do you miss being more independent?

I don't miss having to work and pay my own bills, I have found it an adjustment to NOT have to be independent. Overall it is very good and what I have desired in my life with him.

How do you feel about this:

It seems to me that HE needs to "feel in charge" of it and I am now aware and willing to "let him DO" this for ME.

I LOVE the fact that he WANTS to do things FOR me and give things TO me...I don't want to be seen by him as "demanding" so I do present it as "I would really like..." and he "wants" to give me what I want. His cooperation in decorating and his ideas for OUR home is important to me...

If you want these home improvements to be joint efforts and activities with your husband, with him having a lot of say, than everything sounds wonderful. However, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but somehow I sense some degree of surrendering to his will here? Would you rather yourself be "in charge" of this, but think that stating that would be rocking the boat too much? How does it feel like to have him "do this for you"?

What you may be sensing is my "curtailing my insistence" to "get things done", he is a bit of a procrastinator and I feel that I am "training him" to HELP ME do the things that would make me happy...He is VERY supportive and I am sensitive to his likes and dislikes; "surrending to his will" is no issue; it is more "getting his will going"......hope that makes sense.

I love him very much but if it takes "being needy" to help him feel useful, effective and a BIG PART of my life and happiness, then I am willing to do it...

I'm only asking because this quote from you sounds like you are doubting this yourself, at least a tiny bit.

I think that I don't really WANT to see myself as "dependent", I feel more of a partnership with him than with my son's father and feel more respected so I am happy to cooperate and be patient to "do things in the house on his time frame"...we are talking about it more and that is very good.

I am a pretty independent and stubborn lady, and happen to run over my husband when it comes to home improvement projects or plans maybe more often than not.. Yet at the same time a share many codependent traits and have harboured resentment over not having my needs met or my wants heard before _

[waverider]

I find allowing your BPD to pamper you is a good way to validate them as it makes them feel valued, in control and important. However as an independent person you need to have clear demarcations which areas he can take control, and which areas are your independence and sole responsibilities.

Otherwise the balance can slide until you are feeling frustrated and impotent and are not allowed an opinion, or it becomes a trigger, as they dominate and demand their way.

But treated correctly with your eyes open and full awareness it can work. But you must keep something soley in your control, as that is the essence of who you are, you are not helpless and the novelty of being treated that way can soon wear off

[Triptoes]

No problem. I'm glad to hear your replies. It sounds as though you have thought about this a great deal and are thinking about how to best support the relationship. This is great!

I LOVE the fact that he WANTS to do things FOR me and give things TO me...I don't want to be seen by him as "demanding" so I do present it as "I would really like..." and he "wants" to give me what I want. His cooperation in decorating and his ideas for OUR home is important to me...

Since this is the case, it's awesome that he has gotten more into working on this with you. I understand much better now where you're coming from. My H is a bit lazy about getting things started as well and might talk about plans for weeks without lifting a finger. I can see now, that you want to make sure you co-operate with him on this. That "being needy" here really means that you talk to him about what it is that you want, sending an open invitation for him to come help you to realize it _

[yeeter]

Good stuff Lady - you are going to have some very productive T sessions.   

Can I add a little humor?

Its clear that you are very into decorating and making your home a beautiful place for your family.  This is great!  As an outsider - the fact that you can get your husband interested in ANY of this is a pretty good sign that he does love you, and does want to do things together.  Because as a guy... at least stereo typically - we just dont care what color the curtains are.   

So maybe this feeling that you are running over him is warranted - that he lets you make all these decisions because at the heart of it - he just doesnt care so is fine with your judgment.  (and he might be afraid to say he doesnt care - because he wants to show support to you)

Another element is how the dynamic plays out when you do things together.  I know that when my wife and I try to do things as a team - to me - it feels like I become an 'employee'.  She makes all the decisions (or passes the final judgment on what gets done), and directs and comes up with lots of great ideas for other people to go do.  I have plenty of ideas myself and am used to leading projects with my ideas, but with my wife I have to shelve this and take a back seat to just executing her ideas.  It can be a very tough dynamic to break (we havent been very successful breaking this, so we just avoid doing things together)

But he DOES want to be involved with what is important to you.  A great sign.   

Make sure he knows that you appreciate this. 

Is there any chance of having other friends over regularly?  Even if its just to play video games, the social interaction would be good for both of you?

[real lady]

I find allowing your BPD to pamper you is a good way to validate them as it makes them feel valued, in control and important.

I thought so too...thanks.

However as an independent person you need to have clear demarcations which areas he can take control, and which areas are your independence and sole responsibilities.

Those have been established; it is that I came into "his home" and he has several "collections" and lots of "things" that need a place and has procrastinated from getting them organized and the "trash thrown out"...I have had to tiptoe around this for over a year and I am talking more about what I need rather than what I would like to "see gone". I don't want to "throw away his stuff" but he has BOXES of electronic devices, tvs, etc. that no longer work still taking up space in the house. We won't talk about the BOXES in the garage...does BPD have an horder element to it?

Otherwise the balance can slide until you are feeling frustrated and impotent and are not allowed an opinion, or it becomes a trigger, as they dominate and demand their way.

Exactly...he is not "bossy" about things that I do without or apart from him; it is the "main domain" that I am careful about.

But treated correctly with your eyes open and full awareness it can work. But you must keep something soley in your control, as that is the essence of who you are, you are not helpless and the novelty of being treated that way can soon wear off

Thank you so much...   I am very strongly ME and he has always been aware of that. We really have a good base relationship; it is the BPD behavior that I feel that I must "step around" at times...

[real lady]

Good stuff Lady - you are going to have some very productive T sessions.   

Thanks.

Can I add a little humor?

Please feel free...

I

ts clear that you are very into decorating and making your home a beautiful place for your family.  This is great.  As an outsider - the fact that you can get your husband interested in ANY of this is a pretty good sign that he does love you, and does want to do things together.  Because as a guy... at least stereo typically - we just dont care what color the curtains are.   

...my dear uBPDh says the same thing...he just wants me to "be happy".

So maybe this feeling that you are running over him is warranted - that he lets you make all these decisions because at the heart of it - he just doesnt care so is fine with your judgment.  (and he might be afraid to say he doesnt care - because he wants to show support to you)

EXACTLY; trying to find the balance so everyone has what they want and need.

Another element is how the dynamic plays out when you do things together.

That is the only way that I will redecorate; with his cooperation; not his approval per se, I need him to be OK with it and what we need to do to "get there"...

I know that when my wife and I try to do things as a team - to me - it feels like I become an 'employee'.  She makes all the decisions (or passes the final judgment on what gets done), and directs and comes up with lots of great ideas for other people to go do. 

WOW...I really feel for you; I felt that way with my OCPD/NPD...I couldn't do anything right in his eyes, constant criticism for the way I spoke even.

I have plenty of ideas myself and am used to leading projects with my ideas, but with my wife I have to shelve this and take a back seat to just executing her ideas.  It can be a very tough dynamic to break (we havent been very successful breaking this, so we just avoid doing things together)

I understand. I don't think I quite have that situation and am taking every opportunity for him and I to "work together"...getting him to talk about what to do with "that box" per se, is a BIG accomplishment. Then all I have to do is say that I am "available" when HE is ready and that I am looking forward to having some more space, room to decorate, etc...

But he DOES want to be involved with what is important to you.  A great sign.   

I feel hopeful about it too...thanks.

Make sure he knows that you appreciate this. 

I do. He asks me "does this make you happy?" and I smile broadly and say "YES, hon, thank you...I really like it very much. Doing this WITH you means alot to me...".

Is there any chance of having other friends over regularly? 

YES< we are both very sociable though he was a "hermit" for about 8 years and is s-l-o-w-l-y getting around to having a family, "son" and pets again...I bring that up as a suggestion for the family room; he loves Harleys and has ridden one most of his life and I want to make it the "Harley room" for his memorabilia. He likes the idea. That helps me talk about the redecorating in the living and dining rooms as well as mentioning, again, that I would like to remove the draperies from the family room and kitchen and replace them with something that fits better with "our decor"...

Even if its just to play video games, the social interaction would be good for both of you?

That is what I am AIMING for; we still have too much stuff in places where people can be and once we get the redecorating done, we will be able to have friends over. I have used all of this to encourage him to "live again"...I have waited so as to NOT trigger him and it is paying off now. He seems MUCH more open to "change" than before...Inch by inch, its a cinch...Yard by yard its hard...Just inching my way toward my goals. thanks again.

[real lady]

No problem. I'm glad to hear your replies. It sounds as though you have thought about this a great deal and are thinking about how to best support the relationship. This is great.

Thank you Triptoes.  

Since this is the case, it's awesome that he has gotten more into working on this with you. I understand much better now where you're coming from. My H is a bit lazy about getting things started as well and might talk about plans for weeks without lifting a finger. I can see now, that you want to make sure you co-operate with him on this.

YES...

That "being needy" here really means that you talk to him about what it is that you want, sending an open invitation for him to come help you to realize it _

[atcrossroads]

Real lady,
Great job on getting yourself into counseling.  I hope you gain lots of insight and help by getting an outside perspective.  I started in March, and my therapist is good though he doesn't specialize in BPD -- he is still working with me but when I tell him about husband's antics, he always asked me what I'm willing to put up with, life is short, etc.  He subtly implies hopelessness in working things out, and I think I want to talk to him about helping me with learning skills and techniques to help me set boundaries, validate, etc.  Heck, I don't want to change at this point (he knows everything), so maybe he'll read a couple books and help me (he is not a dbt therapist).

Also, can you PLEASE tell me how you do the cool response to multiple people in one post?  Thank you!    

I hope the decorating goes as you hope and that you feel more a part of your new environment.  And, best of luck with your new therapist.

[real lady]

Real lady,Great job on getting yourself into counseling.

 thanks hon...I planned on doing starting it in March but it has taken a while to find a T who is convenient, flexible and willing to spend some time with me without requiring a lot of money.

I started in March, and my therapist is good though he doesn't specialize in BPD -- he is still working with me but when I tell him about husband's antics, he always asked me what I'm willing to put up with, life is short, etc.  He subtly implies hopelessness in working things out, and I think I want to talk to him about helping me with learning skills and techniques to help me set boundaries, validate, etc.  Heck, I don't want to change at this point (he knows everything), so maybe he'll read a couple books and help me (he is not a dbt therapist).

I think your plan sounds great; even though he is not versed in BPD, you have the knowledge and I believe that he will be able to help you set boundaries, etc...wishing you the best.  

Also, can you PLEASE tell me how you do the cool response to multiple people in one post?  Thank you.    

 sure...just GO to the post of the member who you would like to quote/reply to...
and hit QUOTE in the top right hand of the post's tool bar...

Each quote must have a left end quote at the beginning and another one that looks slightly different at the end..You can just do a HIGHLIGHT (left click and scan your "quote" and left click on the (Insert QUOTE) icon ABOVE.    make your reply and then do the same for any other parts of others' replies that you want to quote and reply. I hope that helps.

I hope the decorating goes as you hope and that you feel more a part of your new environment.  And, best of luck with your new therapist.

THANKS hon...I really appreciate it...

[an0ught]

Hi real lady,

sound that you are taking some part of your life back into your hands 

Finally have a counseling set for myself NEXT Thursday and for about 12 weeks (mid Nov, near uBPDh's birthday we will be finishing)...Surprisingly or not, uBPDh supports MY wanting to go to counseling after I have made it clear that I do not feel safe to share the depths of my feelings with him...most are ABOUT him and he knows that.I feel good about doing this for myself. I need to talk to someone who will understand and support my life goals and give me some support and encouragement.

Yeah, pwBPD tend not to be the most reliable sources of support.

I have always been a very INDEPENDENT woman (worked full time, etc) until I moved to be with him over 1.5 years ago...I have no employment, social outlet or car in my name. I have adjusted to my 'new life' and realize that I have a NEW way of making it better for me and him...

Hmm, independence is important. We tend to have have lot's of conflicts in these relationships and having an independent footing helps to handle them better.

He plays his games up to 10 hours a day. I fix dinner, do errands, take my son to play, etc...and we eat together. I am 'letting him' be alone with the puppies and not feeling that I have to "give me attention". I have had to grieve this LOSS of time with him but hope that he will feel the NEED to DO MORE than he has been doing to make our lives better.

Not trying to force yourself on him is certainly helpful. Doing everything though - not sure you are doing him any favor here. As important it is to not control him it may also be important that he has some duties for which he is responsible from which he can derive his feeling of self worth. He sounds depressed.

My uBPDh SEES that I have been depressed and when I have been withdrawn, sullen and quiet around him and he seems to be wanting to "help me feel better"...having him NOT emotionally dysregulate helps. I mentioned quietly that "I need" a few things in my life and he says "then we will do whatever we need to do to get that for you"...Earlier this week, he was discussing about property and said "his home" and quickly changed to "our home"...I smiled faintly. He included ME rather than excluded me as he used to do...Some of the things that I have been talking about needing are 1) being able to redecorate the living and dining rooms. I have not added my things to them; need painting, new draperies, new carpet, etc. I am letting my creativity flow and talk to him freely about "what I would like" and he seems to be very supportive in helping me "be happy"...
2) creating an office for my writing 3) creating a "workstation" for my beading and jewelry making and 4) reorganizing his "collections" and creating more living space in our home for US. I feel good about moving forward with this now. It seems to me that HE needs to "feel in charge" of it and I am now aware and willing to "let him DO" this for ME.

Great. He is working on making you happy which can be a nice feeling. As long as there is enough balance in him working on keeping himself happy too. Right now anything that gets anything moving is probably a good thing.

I know he is a wonderful man; I love him very much but if it takes "being needy" to help him feel useful, effective and a BIG PART of my life and happiness, then I am willing to do it...
what do you think?

You can't fill the hole in him with yourself. Being needy is going in that direction. Whether you are actually "needy" or you are asking respectfully for his support and he gives it (in balance with looking after his own needs) that is the question. Mutual support or mutual dependency. How you communicate and how you handle boundaries that is the question.

[real lady]

Not trying to force yourself on him is certainly helpful. Doing everything though - not sure you are doing him any favor here. As important it is to not control him it may also be important that he has some duties for which he is responsible from which he can derive his feeling of self worth. He sounds depressed.

I understand, I really want to empower him but he "feels stuck" in his job, etc...I think that he escapes everything with the gaming, not just me. He may be depressed; he used to be joyful at one time. I miss that man.

Great. He is working on making you happy which can be a nice feeling. As long as there is enough balance in him working on keeping himself happy too. Right now anything that gets anything moving is probably a good thing.

The T that we both went to advised him to "find his peace and keep it"...he has yet to admit responsibility for his own feelings and happiness.

You can't fill the hole in him with yourself. Being needy is going in that direction. Whether you are actually "needy" or you are asking respectfully for his support and he gives it (in balance with looking after his own needs) that is the question.

I am obviously "not weak or needy" but willing to depend upon and trust him; this helps his sense of self-esteem and I agree, I cannot "fill the void" that he has...so true. I think that HE thinks that though and I believe that this may be an issue with pwBPD and their fractured self image and core.

Mutual support or mutual dependency. How you communicate and how you handle boundaries that is the question.

Clearly. Decisively. Honestly. I state that "I need this for me" quite a bit... Giving him the HINT that HE is allowed to "have time to himself" or is ALLOWED to feel a need for himself and let ME know of it.

Thanks for the reply.     

[KateCat]

real lady,

Thank you for a very interesting thread, and for your spirited defense of your relationship plan. I'm wondering how, within this plan, you plan to react in the future if/when your husband has one of his dysegulations and calls for you and your son to move out. Can you still set a boundary in this case, or is your only defense to dodge his order and wait until he retracts it?

Something makes me uneasy about the "dependence" aspect of the situation, and I think it's the pattern you've described of being ordered to leave or to make your minor child move out.

(Or maybe you and your husband have already had a discussion about this topic and found a resolution.)

[real lady]

real lady,Thank you for a very interesting thread, and for your spirited defense of your relationship plan. I'm wondering how, within this plan, you plan to react in the future if/when your husband has one of his dysegulations and calls for you and your son to move out. Can you still set a boundary in this case, or is your only defense to dodge his order and wait until he retracts it?

Thanks, good question. The answer: the SAME way I have been dealing with it for the last 8 months. Let him "talk" and sit and listen...let him regulate himself emotionally; he acts like it didn't happen the next day. I spend time away from him and let him know that I want to be with him but don't expect that we will be able to talk about it. We just "let it go" knowing that it is just a passing "feeling" and that he will feel better tomorrow.

Something makes me uneasy about the "dependence" aspect of the situation, and I think it's the pattern you've described of being ordered to leave or to make your minor child move out.

Long story but he KNOWS that our home is best for son and that I would "go with him" if I had to; at least this last time he said that I "was welcome to stay"...WTH? I actually see progress hear and feel that he is "just talking" to "feel powerful" where he is already "in charge" of his life and all that he HAS NOW...me, my son, puppies, etc...I literally "gave up all" to be with him and am dependent upon him, by choice. It's just the truth of the matter really.

(Or maybe you and your husband have already had a discussion about this topic and found a resolution.)

Not really but we KNOW that we don't want to be apart from each other, etc. He has moments when he blames me for his dysegulation but how long can that go on before he HAS TO SEE that his pain is NOT my fault. Do they EVER realize it? Well, anyways, his dysregulation is MUCH LESS FREQUENT, less intense and MUCH LESS IN DURATION. My boundaries are clearer, I validate him and back off. I don't know in the long run if he will ever "be normal" but I love him.

[real lady]

FINALLY, I went to a certified counselor who I seem to "click" with and felt good about it. I was surprised with my responses and realize HOW overwhelmed I am by ALL the loss, grief and SADNESS I am experiencing.

She asked "where would you like to start" and after giving her the list of loss, etc...I laughed and said "why do you think I am here?"...she giggled along and didn't know what to say. She has worked with BPD before and understands the relationship dynamics and we will be talking about it. 

Regarding uBPDh's response to this; he took me (and dogs) to the session and waited for me. Funny thing is, I have been asking for "things" and the night before my son's first day of school AND the counseling session, he bought a surround sound theatre for our tv. amazing. I set boundaries and didn't allow him to suck me into the blame about his guilt for buying it, etc. I had told him the day before that there were some things that would "make me happy" and on my birthday(Sunday), I didn't get a card or gift though he bought dinner and was "very good" all day. The FIRST holiday in a year and a half that was NOT ruined.

He didn't ask me anything about it; I offered a few items and when I "hit a land mine", I stopped talking and said NOTHING more about it. Something triggered him when I said that "when I used to sing, I was happy and I was telling K and smiling and said "but I won't have that again" and K said "back that up"...and then my uBPDh "went off"...don't know why. I reiterated that I was trying to tell him that she "saw where my joy came from" (regarding music that is) and wanted me to focus on it. He started to raise his voice, and I just STOPPED TALKING.

He settled down a bit later and LATE in the evening before bed, we were on the back porch while the dogs were out and I didn't try to make conversation. I realize that it is OK for me to NOT feel ok and he will have to learn to live with or deal with my "feelings" as well as his. He came over to me, put his arms around me and gave me a kiss...I smiled gently and went inside to go to bed.

I don't "heavily" reinforce such nice behavior as I am ignoring some "bad" behavior (picking on son)...my thought is this, I have things that I am dealing with and they are NOT all about him and he is being allowed to accept responsiblity for WHAT IS HIS. I am not carrying his burdens anymore, I have my own to bear...just some thoughts...

[yeeter]

I have things that I am dealing with and they are NOT all about him and he is being allowed to accept responsiblity for WHAT IS HIS.

I am not carrying his burdens anymore,

I think these are really good thoughts.  I read a book once on parenting (it was given to us in MC to help the dynamics of the relationship) - I think it was called P.E.T.  A big part of it was to identify which person owned which parts of the emotions, and to own your own, but NOT own his.

If something is upsetting me or I am struggling, I often come back to this framework and ask - which pieces of this conflict are mine to own, and which pieces are the other persons to own.  It helps to distinguish!

Its great that you clicked with your T - keep it up!   

[real lady]

Thanks Yeeter: I do feel good about it; counseling is LONG overdue; I actually "needed it more" () months ago while working (alone) through BPD issues and learning to understand him...but NOW, the counseling is FOR ME and I think that makes it MOST TIMELY.

[real lady]

Another counseling day; I am glad that I am "working on me" and not focusing as much on him all the time. He is responsible to make changes to MAKE HIMSELF HAPPY; I can only do so much for him and honestly, I am tired right now and am focusing on how I can make MYSELF happy since he doesn't seem to be putting any time into trying to do that.

I had my BIG birthday and I survived it.  I didn't get a gift or card from my uBPDh but we did have a nice day and I told him that he "made the day" nice for me and he picked up on the point that HE made it nice by NOT acting out, dysfunctional behavior, etc. and I told him that YES he did not react SO negatively to things and that he seemed to TRY to make my day pleasant and I really enjoyed it and appreciated his effort.    Still, I have NOT mentioned that he bought the surround sound "for himself". I have not been saying very much.

I realize that, right now, I need to "be heard". The past few days, I have NOT felt heard but discounted by my uBPDh and it hurts. He had a MAJOR dysregulation and told me to "leave and take my son" in a parking lot and we had the two puppies with us. I actually took a cig out of his mouth and he responded "as if" he would try to assault me but held back. In ways, I think that since he had to think about it, he responding according to his moral code RATHER than his anger and thus he DEescalated much faster. I "talked him down" (or off the edge) and validated him in the ways that I could. Later in the car on the way home, I told him that I love him but he has not said it to me for two days now. Nothing. He was quiet and then THANKED ME for dinner, very sincerely. I told him, "You are welcome" with a slight smile. Something tells me that HE is dealing with himself but I am "still black" but I am OK by me and that is what counts. I cannot change how he sees me, how he chooses to behave but I can NOT talk about things that "trigger him". Yesterday, he talked all day. I agreed. I did not share an opinion or thought, knowing that if he disagreed that he would see it as ME disagreeing with him...  I am staying away from landmines when I know that they are there.

I am still talking MORE about redecorating, updating and maintaining our home and getting him to enjoy HIS activities more. Trying to always present the POSITIVE to him. I mentioned that since his puppies bring him so much joy that it would be nice if the humans in the house could treat each other the same way as we treat THEM. I am feeling more like a slave who DOES for him but gets no praise in return. He was telling the puppies "good boy" and "good girl" for going outside alone and "doing their business" when he gave them a treat. I said "good mommie" and smiled and he asked "what?" and I repeated it...and said "I deserve a treat too so I am giving one to myself."  

Hope you all have a great day and STAY FOCUSED on the things that really count and the things that YOU DO have control over...mainly yourself. You are worth it.