How has your BPD partner affected their own adult children?

[Think About It....]

My stepson (he still is that even though my his uBPD dad and I are divorcing) was a hermit living on the net in his room. Showering infrequently, no real friends, completely self absorbed at age 22. His dad treated him as a child, either talking down to him or constantly berating him for not doing things as he demanded.
Recently stepson went and learnt another language and is travelling overseas to teach English, saved up enough cash by himself and seems to have burst out in a fantastic way on the world. He and I share a great relationship. All he ever wanted was someone to set some boundaries, show patience and support and be a parent.
Interested to know how other's children/stepchildren have coped.

[Nomanzland]

My stepson (he still is that even though my his uBPD dad and I are divorcing) was a hermit living on the net in his room. Showering infrequently, no real friends, completely self absorbed at age 22. His dad treated him as a child, either talking down to him or constantly berating him for not doing things as he demanded.
Recently stepson went and learnt another language and is travelling overseas to teach English, saved up enough cash by himself and seems to have burst out in a fantastic way on the world. He and I share a great relationship. All he ever wanted was someone to set some boundaries, show patience and support and be a parent.
Interested to know how other's children/stepchildren have coped.

[Forgetmenot]

I've been divorced from BPD ex for almost 15 years.  He does not accept that he has any mental problems whatsoever.

Two of my children are estranged from their BPD dad by their own choice.  BPD dad has not attempted to repair the relationship at all.

The third who is the oldest works for BPD dad but does not really have an emotional relationship with him.  He seems trapped in the BPD web of despair.  Bpd dad bought him a car, gave him a job and pretty much "owns" him.  If he leaves his job for something else then BPD dad will practically disown him.  It's hard to watch my son work his way through this but I can't really tell him what to do.  I only give him advice if he asks, which is rarely.  Once in a while he will confide in me how BPD dad puts him down and degrades him and I cringe.  I hope my son can get the courage to break free.

[Matt]

My SS34 was raised only by his BPD mom;  his biodad left when he was little.  She treated him great at times, abused him other times, and mostly ignored him.  He started drinking at 12, drugs in high school, never sober til his mid-20s.  Now in prison but sober almost 4 years.  A great guy - my younger kids' hero, and I love him very much.  But a very sad story - his life destroyed by drugs and alcohol as a result of horrible self-esteem after being abused.

My SS23 was the "all-good" child to her mother.  She's doing very well in most ways, but in complete denial about her mother's diagnosed mental illnesses.  And she has an intense victim mentality;  although she was raised in a good neighborhood and went to good schools, and then to an Ivy League university, she talks constantly about being a victim of prejudice.

Both of them are good to me and their younger brother and sister, but both of them have very dysfunctional relationships with their mother.  They've both seen her do horrible things but they pretend otherwise.  I don't know if they will ever get help to work through these serious issues;  in my stepson's case, his ability to do that may be essential to staying sober...

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[sanemom]

My SS34 was raised only by his BPD mom;  his biodad left when he was little.  She treated him great at times, abused him other times, and mostly ignored him.  He started drinking at 12, drugs in high school, never sober til his mid-20s.  Now in prison but sober almost 4 years.  A great guy - my younger kids' hero, and I love him very much.  But a very sad story - his life destroyed by drugs and alcohol as a result of horrible self-esteem after being abused.

My SS23 was the "all-good" child to her mother.  She's doing very well in most ways, but in complete denial about her mother's diagnosed mental illnesses.  And she has an intense victim mentality;  although she was raised in a good neighborhood and went to good schools, and then to an Ivy League university, she talks constantly about being a victim of prejudice.

Both of them are good to me and their younger brother and sister, but both of them have very dysfunctional relationships with their mother.  They've both seen her do horrible things but they pretend otherwise.  I don't know if they will ever get help to work through these serious issues;  in my stepson's case, his ability to do that may be essential to staying sober...

This is just sad to me.  Staying sober would be a good first step.  Unfortunately, a lot of research has found that at the age that drug abuse starts is typically the emotional age the person is stuck at without therapy.

Do you think your DSD will ever turn to drugs or alcohol or something else to self-soothe?

[Matt]

This is just sad to me.  Staying sober would be a good first step.  Unfortunately, a lot of research has found that at the age that drug abuse starts is typically the emotional age the person is stuck at without therapy.

Do you think your DSD will ever turn to drugs or alcohol or something else to self-soothe?

Yes, it's incredibly sad.  But let me tell you a story...

The first time I took the kids (then about 11 and 12 I think) to see their brother in prison, I was very concerned about how it would affect them.  I had been to see him, and it's very depressing - tons of barbed wire, the inmates in bright orange clothes, etc.  The visiting area is like a school cafeteria - tables and chairs and vending machines - clean and safe but not pleasant.

But when he came in the room, and gave us all a big hug, and we sat down and talked, it was like there was a big invisible bubble over our table.  Inside the bubble was just us, and the kids were all laughing and chattering.  Outside the bubble was the prison, but it didn't affect us.  The kids seemed completely oblivious to the surroundings and only aware of being with their brother.  I almost cried it was so cool.

I've taken them several times since - even on Christmas Day - and it's always the same.  They don't care about the surroundings, they're just glad to be with him, and of course seeing them is always the best possible thing for him too.  And I'm convinced that it's helping him a lot - knowing that we still see him as an important part of our family even though he's treated like dirt by everybody he's around the rest of the time.

Your point about emotional age is something I've heard before, and I think it's exactly right.  Til he went to rehab, I think my son was about 12 emotionally - he threw fits like a kid, blamed others when he did something wrong, etc.  Thinking of him as a 12-year-old boy in a man's body explained lots of his behavior.  Since rehab he has grown a lot - he's way more honest, for example.

About SD and substances:  Funny you should ask.  Just recently, SD34 has begun to suspect that she is drinking too much.  She lives in another part of the country so I can't really tell.  SD's drunk-o-meter might be more accurate than mine, or he might be projecting.  Not much I can do about it right now and that bothers me.  She is among good people - her boyfriend and his family - but if she's drinking I may not know for a long time and it would be very hard for me to help her.  One more thing for me to worry about...