BFF with DH's exBPDw

[Think About It....]

In typical BPD fashion - DH's exBPDw has rollercoastered from loving to hating me. It's creepy. It actually started when she and DH were still married (2 months), and she told him all about how she dated my brother (not true) and "basically grew up" out at my parent's ranch (she in fact has never been there - sure of it). This came out once DH and I started dating after they were divorced and he was nervous to hang out with my family given their history with BPDexw. I was like WTH are you talking about? After he had hung out with my fam and they all assured him they didn't know who the hell she was - except my brother who knew her from school but had never actually hung out with her - he felt a little better. Then he aske - what about the picture? What picture? My mom is a professional artist and apprently he had seen a picture my mom had drawn of her out riding horses with us. He took me to the studio with the picture and suprise - picture is actually of my oldest sis DH hadn't yet met . Crazy crazy make believe stories. Once DH and I became engaged BPD reved it up and told bystanders how she was in my wedding line, was moving into our upstairs, we were a big happy family. Again creepy. Then she will freak and threaten restraining orders, I can't be around SD, basically I'll be "black" again. I'll have to get hte police to get involved at a pick up then the next week she wants to know if I want to go do a girls night. True story. So at court this last time she got up there and when asked about our relationship she started crying and talking about how we were best friends and always had been and it was just killing her that I was mad at her right now and DH was ruining our friendship. Our lawyer (been with us through it ALL the last 3 years) seriously almost started laughing out loud with this and it took him a second to even reacompose and react. On our best day we are civil and even then only for SD's sake. If SD wasn't in the picture she would not get a second of my time EVER. Afterwards we were eating out with our lawyer and he was still jsut shaking his head and laughing in disbelief because "she is like actually crazy - like crazy crazy crazy."  He was busy trying to disect her motives for even claiming this because it screws their case even worse than it already was bc basically she goes from saying I can't be trusted with SD to how great I am with SD and we are best friends and she doesn't understand why I'm upset with her lately. She has been shown to be a chronic liar. Lies about anything and everything. And our lawyer was trying to figure out what was going through her mind to make her think that was a good lie to tell in court bc it in no way made her case look good. Then it hit me...what if to her she is not lying? Would I consider BPD a friend? Hell to the no! She is as far from that as is possible. However, in her life - I am probably the only person that has been consistently a part of her life for the past 3 years. Her friends get tired of it and move on, her muliple boyfriends the same til the newest one she talked into marrying in a month and  ahalf , her family doesn't want to deal with her so they send money and say away. Now - she is too dense to see that I am around ONLY because of SD and not beause of an attachment to BPD. But it may sadly be the closest thing to a friendship she's got left at this point. Sad sad sad way to live.  

[TheOther]

In typical BPD fashion - DH's exBPDw has rollercoastered from loving to hating me. It's creepy. It actually started when she and DH were still married (2 months), and she told him all about how she dated my brother (not true) and "basically grew up" out at my parent's ranch (she in fact has never been there - sure of it). This came out once DH and I started dating after they were divorced and he was nervous to hang out with my family given their history with BPDexw. I was like WTH are you talking about? After he had hung out with my fam and they all assured him they didn't know who the hell she was - except my brother who knew her from school but had never actually hung out with her - he felt a little better. Then he aske - what about the picture? What picture? My mom is a professional artist and apprently he had seen a picture my mom had drawn of her out riding horses with us. He took me to the studio with the picture and suprise - picture is actually of my oldest sis DH hadn't yet met . Crazy crazy make believe stories. Once DH and I became engaged BPD reved it up and told bystanders how she was in my wedding line, was moving into our upstairs, we were a big happy family. Again creepy. Then she will freak and threaten restraining orders, I can't be around SD, basically I'll be "black" again. I'll have to get hte police to get involved at a pick up then the next week she wants to know if I want to go do a girls night. True story. So at court this last time she got up there and when asked about our relationship she started crying and talking about how we were best friends and always had been and it was just killing her that I was mad at her right now and DH was ruining our friendship. Our lawyer (been with us through it ALL the last 3 years) seriously almost started laughing out loud with this and it took him a second to even reacompose and react. On our best day we are civil and even then only for SD's sake. If SD wasn't in the picture she would not get a second of my time EVER. Afterwards we were eating out with our lawyer and he was still jsut shaking his head and laughing in disbelief because "she is like actually crazy - like crazy crazy crazy."  He was busy trying to disect her motives for even claiming this because it screws their case even worse than it already was bc basically she goes from saying I can't be trusted with SD to how great I am with SD and we are best friends and she doesn't understand why I'm upset with her lately. She has been shown to be a chronic liar. Lies about anything and everything. And our lawyer was trying to figure out what was going through her mind to make her think that was a good lie to tell in court bc it in no way made her case look good. Then it hit me...what if to her she is not lying? Would I consider BPD a friend? Hell to the no! She is as far from that as is possible. However, in her life - I am probably the only person that has been consistently a part of her life for the past 3 years. Her friends get tired of it and move on, her muliple boyfriends the same til the newest one she talked into marrying in a month and  ahalf , her family doesn't want to deal with her so they send money and say away. Now - she is too dense to see that I am around ONLY because of SD and not beause of an attachment to BPD. But it may sadly be the closest thing to a friendship she's got left at this point. Sad sad sad way to live.  

[DreamGirl]

I practice a certain method of communication with the hubs' ex-wife... in that I don't for the most part.

She has certainly lost interest in me, not because I'm not inherently special, but because I don't react to her. In good times or bad. She tends to find validity in others, and I just don't offer it either way. Doesn't keep her from sinking her dysfunctional ways into my husband but it keeps me off her radar - which is all I really want. You might try it out.

I think it's a good step in learning to effectively deal with your husband's mentally ill ex-wife to see that what seems delusional to you may very well be a reality for her. Bordeline Personality Disorder creates creatures of intense emotions who are engulfed in a cetain loneliness caused mostly by themselves. As your attorney so aptly pointed out - they are their own worst enemies.

It is extremely sad.  

[TheOther]

Good advice DreamGirl. I've been working on removing myself from as much of the situation as possible because it's really hard for me not to react to her at times. Since she has drug us back to court anyways we are hoping to get it set email only contact - at which point I will change my phone # to cut back on the constant texts. We are also trying to get the exchanges done at preschool instead of our homes - again cutting out a little more contact. This way it will be a lot less contact for me. When DH is home he takes the brunt of it but their ridiculous agreement as it stands right now has pick up and drop off times while he is at work...meaning I get to deal with her which I don't handle as well as he does. Hopefully some of these changes will help out. L says we have a good shot at getting all of them because her fighting them will show the judge that she wants the drama and it isn't necessary.

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[sanemom]

That's a good strategy--I have actually never had a conversation with BPDmom by myself EVER.  DH has completely handled all communication.

She still manages to paint me black and white, but it really is of no consequence to me.  I just get to hear about some look she misinterpreted or something....