You're spot on in many regards exBPDgf, especially in that once your exBPD was fully triggered it was going to be a lost cause no matter what. It was inevitable.The only question is how much collateral damage would be inflicted on your life getting out.
I would ask you to think about one point though - we have to really ask ourselves tough questions. why did we tolerate this person? Why were we drawn to them? What made them attractive? Why did we stay so long? What issues did a relationship with a BPD highlight what we need to work on?
In my case, I had broken up with a prior relationship two years prior and I was still smarting from that. At the time, I hated the idea of dating. It's like a long drawn out job interview. I was love bombed almost immediately. Intense emotion on the second day being projected on me, intuition screaming red flags and I ignored it all. I WANTED the courtship to be fast, so I didn't have to do the normal healthy courtship process.
Once I stopped, thought about it, decided to ignore my intuition and THEN tell dxBPDgf what I was thinking - that was it. I gave her the ammunition to change tactics and use it against me. That was the fatal mistake that allowed the process to begin.
There were other issues at play, some moderate some minor. At the beginning though the major one was this. She was singing all the songs I WANTED to hear - soulmates, deep connection, love forever - blah, blah, blah. I bought it hook line and sinker.
It's taken me much self introspection to understand what are healthier ways to approach things. This is perhaps the best gift that my dxBPDgf gave me, a trial by fire and the opportunity not only to learn about BPD, but it also exposed my flawed or idealistic leanings so that I could learn and make better choices going forward.
1. It does not matter one iota what I did or did not do (and believe you me I tried everything-and more!). This rs was never going to work because my ex is uBPD.