Help My H is so ill he needs help

[Think About It...]

This must be the end of the devalueing stage for me. My h is projecting like CRAZY right now! Today was the start of a long vacation. We were supposed to leave and meet with the rest of the family at a set time. We are grossly late because my BPD H just slept in and did zero preparation. So I had to get up early ,clean out the whole car, pack everything for two adults and a baby, all while HOLDING our baby! I tried to get him up but there is no way I can kiss his ass enough,no words are nice enough for hin.im not going to lie he told me before only to wake him up with sex so I did this morning and he went back to sleep while I did EVERYTHING.now if that isnt shocking enough , while I was outside he locked me out.and his baby too! I banged on the door and then just waited.he opened the door, and I was so confused,i asked why he locked me out,he said "it isnt like you havent done this to me before on purpose" when I never have,hes projecting hard because he just did this to us on our daughters birthday he locked us out in pouring rain on her birthday. His own daughter.and I dont even know why.it hurts, I want to have a happy vacation

[motherof1yearold]

This must be the end of the devalueing stage for me. My h is projecting like CRAZY right now! Today was the start of a long vacation. We were supposed to leave and meet with the rest of the family at a set time. We are grossly late because my BPD H just slept in and did zero preparation. So I had to get up early ,clean out the whole car, pack everything for two adults and a baby, all while HOLDING our baby! I tried to get him up but there is no way I can kiss his ass enough,no words are nice enough for hin.im not going to lie he told me before only to wake him up with sex so I did this morning and he went back to sleep while I did EVERYTHING.now if that isnt shocking enough , while I was outside he locked me out.and his baby too! I banged on the door and then just waited.he opened the door, and I was so confused,i asked why he locked me out,he said "it isnt like you havent done this to me before on purpose" when I never have,hes projecting hard because he just did this to us on our daughters birthday he locked us out in pouring rain on her birthday. His own daughter.and I dont even know why.it hurts, I want to have a happy vacation

[yeeter]

Hi mother

You need to start counting only on yourself. Make a plan on what you will do next time something like this happens, which should be something like just going and visiting a friend, just you and your baby,  if he starts abusing you

Make a list of every manner in which you are dependent upon him, and start taking steps to become self dependent on each and every one.
 

[Surnia]

Hi mother,

I agree with yeeter, can you find local support, friends, family, to help you with this? It is even more difficult with a baby!
I would also suggest write down this things, sort of protocoll, but on a safe place.

 
Surnia

[Abby Normal]

I'm so sorry.  You have to anticipate their thought patterns.

I put keypad locks on all of the outside doors, and I was the only one to have the master code.  They come with a key, but I've never used them, and of course they're locked up where only I know where they are.  Same goes with the burglar alarm.  I have the master code and I gave him and the kids their own codes.  Be sure there's no locking chain on the doors.

I printed copies of all the photos in the house, in case my undiagnosed hubby went on a breaking and smashing rant.  I bought extra frames, and then put the printed photos back in them; keeping the original photos safe.  I kept spackle and paint handy for wall repair.  I refused to put up my good art, as I was afraid they would be destroyed.

He would drink excessively and then buy things on late night TV.  When I would say not to order things, he would throw things on the floor.  I quit picking the items up.  Later when he'd sober up he'd ask why stuff was on the floor.  I told him, "you got into a rage and threw the stuff, so I left it for you to pick up since you caused the mess."

I used to call my husband's bluff when he would threaten me, but we didn't have young children in the house.  One time his fist brushed my face as he was hitting the post next to me.  I can't believe it, but I didn't even flinch.  He told me, "very good."  I told him if he ever hit me, I would call the police, have him arrested, and he would be responsible for calling his employer when he wasn't at work.  I refused to cover for him.  When he found out I wouldn't jump through his hoops anymore; he actually seemed to have more respect for me.

When he'd get into one of his moods and be verbally abusive; I told him not to talk to me in that way, I was going into my office to do some work, and I would check in a half hour to see if he was in a better mood.  I put the ball in his court for a change.  It worked too.

I realize every situation is different and this may not work for you.  I never encountered violence until I got embroiled in this situation.  My husband died last year, and may God forgive me, but I can't believe the relief I feel sometimes knowing I don't have to put up with the mood swings anymore.  I have peace and tranquility in my house, and don't need to worry about smashed walls or a smashed face.

[Steph]

 Does your husband have a mental health diagnosis? This almost sounds like something else..

[4now]

Hi mother

You need to start counting only on yourself. Make a plan on what you will do next time something like this happens, which should be something like just going and visiting a friend, just you and your baby,  if he starts abusing you

Make a list of every manner in which you are dependent upon him, and start taking steps to become self dependent on each and every one.
 

This is excellent advice.  Something I wish someone had told me a long time ago.  But I have been slowly doing this and it is so helpful to know you can count on yourself and to take your partner out of the picture.  It isn't a very nice way to have a relationship, but amazingly, for me, when I started relying on him less and less in every way, he has started to "shape up" in some ways.  But it is hard to keep a balance of any sort, of closeness, of independence.  

 while I was outside he locked me out.and his baby too! I banged on the door and then just waited.he opened the door, and I was so confused,i asked why he locked me out,he said "it isnt like you havent done this to me before on purpose" when I never have,hes projecting hard because he just did this to us on our daughters birthday he locked us out in pouring rain on her birthday. His own daughter.and I dont even know why.it hurts, I want to have a happy vacation

There is no explanation except he is being abusive.  And yes it is horrible that he'd do this to his own daughter, but he did this to his own wife, too!  You have a right to be insulted and outraged at his behavior.  You have the right to expect better treatment.  Don't expect him to treat you any better of his own volition.  You will need to accept only decent treatment from him.  And since there has been physical violence, I would really suggest you seek help from people trained with dealing with such things.  

[united for now]

That sounds really scary, being locked out.
Having your concerns dismissed on top of that would be hurtful.

I know you are still in the early stages of acceptance that your H may be mentally ill. Its important that you begin to rely mores on yourself though and less on him. He is playing mean spirited games that are hurtful and dangerous towards you "and" your child. Protecting your baby and yourself is critical. I truly hope you stay in contract with the DV group. Have you established a safety plan yet?

[motherof1yearold]

Does your husband have a mental health diagnosis? This almost sounds like something else..

No Steph,he refuses to ever believe he has any flaw so he doesnt see a T.

[motherof1yearold]

That sounds really scary, being locked out.
Having your concerns dismissed on top of that would be hurtful.

I know you are still in the early stages of acceptance that your H may be mentally ill. Its important that you begin to rely mores on yourself though and less on him. He is playing mean spirited games that are hurtful and
dangerous towards you "and" your child. Protecting your baby and yourself is critical. I truly hope you stay in
contract with the DV group. Have you established a safety plan yet?

thank you for your reply. I have not established a full plan but my T advised having an emergency bag packed at all times. Thanks for your words