Some suggestions please

[Think About It....]

I could identify best with the post by Deborah A. Galaska with her 4 principles and 4 stages. It was all about learning and changing my approach to the loved one with BPD in my life. And trying not to get ahead of where the pwBPD was at in the process.

In 2009 we evicted our BPDDD from our home - got a restraining order while she was in jail for assault with bf that was leaving her - her belief was that she was in self-defense and he attached her. This could all be true - she is so attracted to schizophrenic/paranoid/drug self-medicating men. All her r/s so far have ended with some level of domestic violence.

Yet in 2011, 3 bf's ago now, we let her come home when she left this meth using bf. I had been practicing practicing so many skills and strategies learned here at FTF and in my personal reading, therapy, DBT skills class, Al Anon (detachment with love focus) and dropped the RO after 6 months. Then the rebuilding began - it has been a roller coaster ride. But overall DD is beginning to take baby steps in the direction of accepting some responsibility for the results of her choices on her life - ie. that it is not always someone else's fault. And she can do this without descent into suicidal ideation and depression. It has helped that she has accepted a pdoc in her life and takes prozac that helps with her depression. She has never attached the BPD dx to herself. SHe accepts that she struggles with depression and anxiety/panic attacks. She cannot tolerate being labeled "disordered". She interprets that to mean "retarded" after a lifetime of special ed. in school.

I guess the point of this discussion of my history is that I have never given up hope that I can improve my communication with DD, that I can build a healthier r/s with her while protecting myself with a few values-based boundaries, and learning to be validating first to myself then with others in my life and finally with DD. I am getting better and better at all this, more and more of the time. We have lots of do-overs in our house.

My hope that someday DD will accept therapy of any kind is still there. Yet, I can see that she has to get there in her own way and in her own time. She has to gain some level of stability to be able to benefit from an intense therapy like DBT. She searches for this now with her disfunctional homeless friends, daily pot use (though this is a struggle now that we are enforcing the no weed rule in our house, her license is expired and new one not here yet, and she is facing a long probation or 90 days in jail soon on a DWAI conviction. She is very very stressed - yet able to express appreciation for the help I am giving, apologize for yelling at me when she can't manage her emotions, trying to build a r/s with her daughter as a friend-not the mom. (dh and I have had custody of gd7 since she was an infant).

Sorry this got to be so long. It has taken me a long time to accept that I cannot force DD to do anything, esp. therapy. I can only try to build her self-awareness gradually so she will come to ask for it for herself someday.

qcr

[qcarolr]

I could identify best with the post by Deborah A. Galaska with her 4 principles and 4 stages. It was all about learning and changing my approach to the loved one with BPD in my life. And trying not to get ahead of where the pwBPD was at in the process.

In 2009 we evicted our BPDDD from our home - got a restraining order while she was in jail for assault with bf that was leaving her - her belief was that she was in self-defense and he attached her. This could all be true - she is so attracted to schizophrenic/paranoid/drug self-medicating men. All her r/s so far have ended with some level of domestic violence.

Yet in 2011, 3 bf's ago now, we let her come home when she left this meth using bf. I had been practicing practicing so many skills and strategies learned here at FTF and in my personal reading, therapy, DBT skills class, Al Anon (detachment with love focus) and dropped the RO after 6 months. Then the rebuilding began - it has been a roller coaster ride. But overall DD is beginning to take baby steps in the direction of accepting some responsibility for the results of her choices on her life - ie. that it is not always someone else's fault. And she can do this without descent into suicidal ideation and depression. It has helped that she has accepted a pdoc in her life and takes prozac that helps with her depression. She has never attached the BPD dx to herself. SHe accepts that she struggles with depression and anxiety/panic attacks. She cannot tolerate being labeled "disordered". She interprets that to mean "retarded" after a lifetime of special ed. in school.

I guess the point of this discussion of my history is that I have never given up hope that I can improve my communication with DD, that I can build a healthier r/s with her while protecting myself with a few values-based boundaries, and learning to be validating first to myself then with others in my life and finally with DD. I am getting better and better at all this, more and more of the time. We have lots of do-overs in our house.

My hope that someday DD will accept therapy of any kind is still there. Yet, I can see that she has to get there in her own way and in her own time. She has to gain some level of stability to be able to benefit from an intense therapy like DBT. She searches for this now with her disfunctional homeless friends, daily pot use (though this is a struggle now that we are enforcing the no weed rule in our house, her license is expired and new one not here yet, and she is facing a long probation or 90 days in jail soon on a DWAI conviction. She is very very stressed - yet able to express appreciation for the help I am giving, apologize for yelling at me when she can't manage her emotions, trying to build a r/s with her daughter as a friend-not the mom. (dh and I have had custody of gd7 since she was an infant).

Sorry this got to be so long. It has taken me a long time to accept that I cannot force DD to do anything, esp. therapy. I can only try to build her self-awareness gradually so she will come to ask for it for herself someday.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

I could identify best with the post by Deborah A. Galaska with her 4 principles and 4 stages. It was all about learning and changing my approach to the loved one with BPD in my life. And trying not to get ahead of where the pwBPD was at in the process.

In 2009 we evicted our BPDDD from our home - got a restraining order while she was in jail for assault with bf that was leaving her - her belief was that she was in self-defense and he attached her. This could all be true - she is so attracted to schizophrenic/paranoid/drug self-medicating men. All her r/s so far have ended with some level of domestic violence.

Yet in 2011, 3 bf's ago now, we let her come home when she left this meth using bf. I had been practicing practicing so many skills and strategies learned here at FTF and in my personal reading, therapy, DBT skills class, Al Anon (detachment with love focus) and dropped the RO after 6 months. Then the rebuilding began - it has been a roller coaster ride. But overall DD is beginning to take baby steps in the direction of accepting some responsibility for the results of her choices on her life - ie. that it is not always someone else's fault. And she can do this without descent into suicidal ideation and depression. It has helped that she has accepted a pdoc in her life and takes prozac that helps with her depression. She has never attached the BPD dx to herself. SHe accepts that she struggles with depression and anxiety/panic attacks. She cannot tolerate being labeled "disordered". She interprets that to mean "retarded" after a lifetime of special ed. in school.

I guess the point of this discussion of my history is that I have never given up hope that I can improve my communication with DD, that I can build a healthier r/s with her while protecting myself with a few values-based boundaries, and learning to be validating first to myself then with others in my life and finally with DD. I am getting better and better at all this, more and more of the time. We have lots of do-overs in our house.

My hope that someday DD will accept therapy of any kind is still there. Yet, I can see that she has to get there in her own way and in her own time. She has to gain some level of stability to be able to benefit from an intense therapy like DBT. She searches for this now with her disfunctional homeless friends, daily pot use (though this is a struggle now that we are enforcing the no weed rule in our house, her license is expired and new one not here yet, and she is facing a long probation or 90 days in jail soon on a DWAI conviction. She is very very stressed - yet able to express appreciation for the help I am giving, apologize for yelling at me when she can't manage her emotions, trying to build a r/s with her daughter as a friend-not the mom. (dh and I have had custody of gd7 since she was an infant).

Sorry this got to be so long. It has taken me a long time to accept that I cannot force DD to do anything, esp. therapy. I can only try to build her self-awareness gradually so she will come to ask for it for herself someday.

qcr

 

[griz]

So here is my update.  I came home from work today and DD was on the computer.  I asked her what's up and she replied to me," I'm so bored mom and I need some direction, would you consider getting me a life coach. Someone I could sit down with and figure out what I need to do".  Gee, that sounds an awful lot like therapy to me but I just said we would look into it.  At the present moment she is enrolled in two classes at the local community college and doing an internship 4 hrs a week for an organization that promotes Safe Schools. The organization is just getting off the ground so there isnt alot for her to do, but she still goes every week. Other than that she has alot of empty time on her hands.

I looked up life coaches on line and there appears to be no training or licensing to call yourself a "life coach" so I put in a call to her P.  As you know she refuses to go to therapy and now that she has accepted that she has BPD her refusal is backed up with the fact that BPD is not curable and will never go away.(her reasoning for why waste my time in therapy, there is nothing they can do to make this go away).  I am thinking that maybe I could find a therapist that also calls themselves a life coach and just maybe it is a way to get started.I am trying to stay in the positive and focus on the fact that she wants to get her life in order.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Dear Griz,

Look into Tammy Green or AJ Majari...both are recovered BPDs and life coaches...wouldn't that be grand!

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

Griz - this is such an awesome moment for your D. And it is also a risky one in finding the 'just right' person to be this trusted soul in her life. My DD needs a life coach - to manage some of the day to day stuff she struggles with that undermines her ability to maintain some sense of stability in this routine stuff. Like time management, organization of stuff, new communication strategies -- not really a focus on her mental health issues but more general life issues. Now, to be sure, the mental health stuff can interfere as well with all the 'life mangement'.  Maybe it would be a stepping stone toward therapy if you could find some suggestions for a non-therapy life coach/advocate for your D.

What I have seen since my DD26 has returned to our home in June2011 is greater general health - eating better, sleeping better, excercise with the dogs, having a computer to create some interest (she has gotten into clothes and how to turn her ordianry stuff into something similar to the trendy expensive stuff she sees online as an example). She is gaining a greater, underlying stability in her life. And the result, even with her continuing refusal to  EVER DO THERAPY AGAIN, is a greater self-awareness and baby steps to accepting more responsibility for the results of her choices with people in her life. That these are HER CHOICES, and the impacts to her life BELONG TO HER. She is also able to better manage her emotional turmoil, regain her self-control more quickly, give herself time-out instead of someone else giving it to her (ie. the police taking her to the ER for psych eval, she gets herself under control, is back home 4 hours later via taxi).

I also see her searching for that one special friend that can provide this guidance to her. Unfortunately, most of those she is around are just as needy as she is. So for now, I am her life coach/advocate. As I practice the many skills and tools I have learned on my BPD exploratory journey, I am better able to do this with her from a place of loving detachment. I am not a good coach or advocate for her when I am dysregualted in my own emotional state (angry, resentful, jealous, exhausted, ...)

Don't know if this gives any insight. Does the college where she goes offer any access to this kind of support? Often there is something - maybe even in the spec. ed. support they have.

qcr

[griz]

Thank you all.  I am trying not to get ahead of myself and get too excited here however I went on Tami Green's website and there is actually a mental health life coach right in my area.  She is someone who was diagnosed with BPD at age 14.  I have sent an email out to her and I hope to make an appointment for me to meet her first.  I think someone like this could understand how DD feels, probably even better than I can even though I try my hardest.

Griz

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[lbjnltx]

Thank you all.  I am trying not to get ahead of myself and get too excited here however I went on Tami Green's website and there is actually a mental health life coach right in my area.  She is someone who was diagnosed with BPD at age 14.  I have sent an email out to her and I hope to make an appointment for me to meet her first.  I think someone like this could understand how DD feels, probably even better than I can even though I try my hardest.

Griz

How wonderful!  I hope this is exactly what your d needs at exactly the time she needs it!

lbjnltx

[vivekananda]

griz I have my fingers, legs, arms, eyes, everything crossed for you -

good luck!

vivek   

[mikmik]

Griz,

This could be the best thing for our pwBPD!  The feelings that so many have against Ts could be addressed with a life coach.  I wonder how the process will differ from DBT.. what they use, etc.  I so agree that is has to be someone with BPD who helps her.  Brilliant!

Griz, has anyone told you what a great mom you are lately?  You are a great mom.

mik

[cfh]

Griz
A life coach...what a gift for your dd!  I've always believed that someone to teach our BPDs the ins and outs of life would be so much more helpful than talk therapy.
I actually looked into it but the cost was too high but hey-maybe I'll win the lottery.