is he cheating or feeling to close..

[Think About It...]

Hi everyone, i hope some can help. Me and my BPD boyfriend were going to split up. but still hanging on it looks like he is undecided. but anyway we are sleeping in separate rooms. since we split up he is going out like twice a week and coming back very late about 3 am. he saying he is visiting friend or something like that. i am trying and believing in what he is saying but we didnt sleep together for ages now and for somebody who never was going out (sitting and watching tv in the evenings) is very weird. he does keep eye on hes phones as well. recently i have found that he was looking into my txt messages but when i asked he said he didnt do it when i know he did! obviously he doesnt trust me but is he the one which might be hiding something.. he has painted me black and keep saying that it is over but still a bit confused and saying that if we stayed together i would never understand that he wants to go out for drive like half of the night? Does he want to live together as a friends and still doing whatever he wants only because he is afraid of being alone? he doesnt even let me to touch him anymore and it is really awkward to be in the same house. do u think this is it and it will never be back to what we had before? he is saying he doesnt love me any more after i said in anger that i do not care about him.

[lidz]

Hi everyone, i hope some can help. Me and my BPD boyfriend were going to split up. but still hanging on it looks like he is undecided. but anyway we are sleeping in separate rooms. since we split up he is going out like twice a week and coming back very late about 3 am. he saying he is visiting friend or something like that. i am trying and believing in what he is saying but we didnt sleep together for ages now and for somebody who never was going out (sitting and watching tv in the evenings) is very weird. he does keep eye on hes phones as well. recently i have found that he was looking into my txt messages but when i asked he said he didnt do it when i know he did! obviously he doesnt trust me but is he the one which might be hiding something.. he has painted me black and keep saying that it is over but still a bit confused and saying that if we stayed together i would never understand that he wants to go out for drive like half of the night? Does he want to live together as a friends and still doing whatever he wants only because he is afraid of being alone? he doesnt even let me to touch him anymore and it is really awkward to be in the same house. do u think this is it and it will never be back to what we had before? he is saying he doesnt love me any more after i said in anger that i do not care about him.

[Vindi]

you have to decide if you want to put up with this behavior.

Are you happy the way things are? probably not, and there is a reason why he comes home at 3am, not saying he is cheating, but he is doing something or having fun somewhere else. What makes me wonder is you say you try to touch him, etc and he backs off, I would think something is going on, I'd hate to say it, but maybe he is finding love or affection from someone else.

He does seem to be distancing himself, the question is, do you want to be with someone like him, esp sleeping in separate rooms.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[forgottenarm]

I understand why you'd be feeling perplexed and unsure what's happening---it sounds like he's not being 100% truthful with you and his words/actions are not completely lining up.  In my experience, men don't roam the streets until 3 am because they're feeling too close.  Does that really seem right to you, given what you've observed?

But Lidz, I agree with Vindi . . . the important question is NOT what your boyfriend thinks/wants/is doing.  The important question is what YOU, Lidz, want!  Look at what's on offer here.  Is this working for you?  Don't base a decision on what might happen or what he's saying could happen.  Look at the cold, hard facts of what's actually going on and ask yourself if this is what you want and deserve.  This relationship is not your only option!

[lidz]

Thanks guys, no it doesn't seems to be right for me.. i think i am so scared to move out and be on my own again that is why i am laying myself. i remember when i met him and on the first date all he was talking about was his ex girlfriend telling me that she was accuse him for cheating on her and i asked did u and he said no and really looked sad.. maybe thats way i still believe he wouldn't do it. i don't know but i am not happy with this all. sleeping in separate rooms , going out separate and living like house mates it really hurts..

[forgottenarm]

yeah, I can't imagine it feels good at all.  Maybe it would help to get some distance from the situation while you sort out your feelings.  Is there a way to leave for a few days? 

[lidz]

every time i was going away after coming back he always was shutting at me and normally braking up with me. Obviously cant tolerate to be on his own. I am going on holiday in 2 weeks time with my mum so will have a time to think about it.. the true is i wasnt happy for a long time. felt lonely and empty. i know i should just leave as i was thinking about it for a long time but for some reason i feel sorry for him? My friends saying that since i am with him i lost the sparks in my eyes.. sad. today i was feeling ill when i come back home and he just said "whats wrong with u?" and not waiting long gone out leaving me on my own.. is this what u call take care of somebody?

[4now]

Hi there,

Reading your words was painful. Takes me back not so very long ago to a time with my h.  I usually post on the staying boards, but sometimes I read on here too.  You need to think about you.  He is treating you very badly and it doesn't really matter why.  I have many a time justified my h's bad treatment of me and tried to figure out why and I came to the same conclusion-cheating.  But that is just our mind's way of trying to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense.  It is really irrelevant if he is cheating-I know this sounds weird.  But if you knew definitively that he is not, would it change how you felt about his treatment of you?  He is totally being disrespectful and is not holding up his end of the deal. 

Think about you and how much more you deserve.  It took me a long, long time to get this into my own head.  Know that you deserve more, regardless of if he has BPD.  Start to plan your exit strategy.  It may sound cruel, but don't worry about him and why he might be doing what he is doing.  You don't have to live this way! Good luck and take care!

[AnonymousB]

My experience has been that if it is feeling wrong in your gut - then something is probably wrong. Don't hesitate to find out, either. Don't prolong inevitability.

[Gaslit]

Regarding the original question from the thread title, I have often wondered the same.

Are they pushing away because they found a shiny new object, or is it because they feel too close?

My theory is this, if it is because they feel too close, it often gets better with space.

If it is because of someone else, it often gets better, only when that someone else, falls of the pedestal. You might see flashes of niceness return, ever so briefly, but if they don't 'need' you because they are occupied with someone else, the push away will be harder and will last much longer.

That's my theory!

If you think it is the later, removing yourself from the triangle, is probably the only way.

[lidz]

You know how it is you think you don't really care if he is cheating or not and you know he doesn't treat you right but still.. want to know if he does. I think it would be easier if i found out he is and then i could move on. i don't know sometimes i think he just playing on my mind but.. once in the past when his behaviour was similar to what is now just before i moved out 1 time i did found some naked pictures on his phone from some girl so it does make me wonder really..

[AnonymousB]

NO, no no nono.. No more pain. This crap isn't even worth your time. Trust me. I know that the initial jump is scary, you don't know what the future holds - but you are better than this. Love is work for 2. Having someone keep you guessing or wondering, or worrying - no. That is not love. It's crap. Pin him down, demand the truth - and if you don't get it - move on. Don't put up with an ounce of BS.

[4now]

You know how it is you think you don't really care if he is cheating or not and you know he doesn't treat you right but still.. want to know if he does. I think it would be easier if i found out he is and then i could move on. i don't know sometimes i think he just playing on my mind but.. once in the past when his behaviour was similar to what is now just before i moved out 1 time i did found some naked pictures on his phone from some girl so it does make me wonder really..

You might never know the truth. I have said things like this to myself, too, "if I only knew for sure, etc etc, I could move on.  Put an end to things, etc etc."  But the sad truth is you may never know anything definitively, but you did find naked pics on his phone before.  He crossed that boundary and got away with it, so he will likely push things further in the future, which it sounds like he is. 

Living with this will reek havoc on you and your life.  It is playing with your mind, whether he is doing it on purpose or not is irrelevant.  Something I think about is this, if he didn't have you or someone else at "home" so to speak to wonder and worry about his behavior, would it lose some of the fun for him?  If he had to live with the consequences of his behavior, would he change it?  A friend's husband once told me, "he's having too much fun the way it is."  And that really hit home for me.  Because yes my h could be out "working" all the time, not meeting any of my needs, but still have me at home on the back burner for when he felt like he needed me.  Another friend told me, don't you wish he'd just go make someone else miserable?  And that offered some much needed comic relief.  Not that any of this is funny, but it helps to keep it in perspective.

As far as pinning him down for the truth, as Anonymous said, you can try to do this, but in my experience you won't ever really know if he is telling the truth.  He will likely deny everything.  You can only tell by his behavior. 

I really, really get where you are coming from. It is a horrible, painful way to live.  I was there not too long ago and I was so depressed.  I don't really know how or why, but eventually I came out of it and started to see that I deserved so much more.  And so do you.  Only you can know when you are done, but you really need to think of yourself and if you deserve this from someone who is supposed to love you and have your back.  Sounds more like sleeping with the enemy.  Hang in there.

[lidz]

Thanks guys for reply. We getting another valuation of the house and i am gone. It is what he wants but i have had enough too. Even just now i have been called an idiot and spike full b**** because he was going out and wanted me to let his dog out and i said i am going to sleep so he went funny..
And then added that next valuation is on Tuesday. It is sad but i just can't live like that and being treated like i am nobody. It does make me depressed and i feel like life is going by and i am stuck in one place. He only see his own needs and mine are not important..

[forgottenarm]

Lidz!  It sounds like you're getting really clear about boundaries, what you need/deserve and what will feel best to you----way to go!   As long as you keep your focus on those things, life will improve, even if the transition is rough at times.  I'm so happy to see how you're looking out for yourself    .  How are you feeling?

[OnceConfused]

What do you get when you decide to live among the snakes? Well, snake bit, because sooner or later the snake will bite because that what it does. You cannot have peace and happiness when you surround yourself or let in your life people with hatred and disharmony. In other words, you cannot fly high like an eagle by hanging around turkeys.

By letting go, you will give yourself the freedom and the chance of taking control of your life's happiness.  From your posts, it sounds to me that your r.s. is at the END of the ROAD, all you both are doing is to avoid or prolong the inevitable demise of your r.s.. Neither of you has the courage to say enough is enough and let the other free.

Let him go and you will find the happiness that you are deserved.

[lidz]

He came back today morning neither of us spoke.. its only his sad eyes, looking like there is nothing inside anymore. And this is the worst for me i feel guilt and even he hurts me so much i would like to help him. What is the worst i have got this feeling inside me it is his decision about splitting up but i feel like he is doing it for me because he seen me so unhappy for so long. And that make me feel really bad i might be wrong and i probably am but i can't get rid off this feeling. And it makes it all really bad for me. I remember when we got back together first time somebody from this website told me that it all will repeat allover again because if he doesn't get a help nothing will change and there we go again...

[forgottenarm]

Lidz, it might help to read this article on FOG---fear, obligation and guilt.  Many of us who had trouble getting out of these difficult relationships were stuck because of the same things you're describing---not wanting to abandon someone we love who is in need, feeling like maybe we could've done more to make it okay.  I think if you read this, you'll see that these feelings are natural in your situation but do not mean you should act on them:

http://www.BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0


Also, know that people do not usually break up to spare their partner.  They do it because leaving works for them somehow.  From what you described, he's definitely abandoned the r/s already, but I doubt it's because he can't stand to see you unhappy.  If that were true, he'd be talking to you about how to make things better.  Focus on his actions---not his words.  What's really happening, Lidz?  What do you really see in front of you?  It's all there.

[tired-of-it-all]

He is cheating.  Don't over complicate it.  He is cheating.  It is what they do.

[lidz]

We had valuation of the house and after all he said he wants to be on his own and he does not love me any more. He is sorry but all arguments made love goes.. this is what he was saying when we split first time. He said i should let him do whatever he wanted to do and it would be fine.. He want to take a chance and see how it is to be on his own. I don't want to don't know why because i wasn't happy but i am gonna let go and move out. Its hurts but i am gonna do it. He saying that this time he is not gonna phone me or contact because it didn't work. I was upset and i shout that should never come back to him and i should know he will hurt me again like he did before...

[lidz]

There is one thing i cant stop think about when he was saying he doesn't love me and he can't feel anything he had tears in his eyes. Does anyone can tell me is that about? Was he sad because he can't feel anything ?