She is pregnant, just found out today

[Think About It...]

Yes, I hope so, I try to be positive. Its the only way.
Strange thing though, she asked me when she first told me if I was ok, I was crying and she was upset that I was not happy and wondered why ? The next day she was just chatting to her sister and said to me, "Im so excited mum, I just cant wait, its the best thing ever happend to me, are you pleased for me? you are arent you?" what can I say.

Should I just say yes Im happy. I dont want to say that, as it says in my book dont validate things like that are not a good idea.

[heronbird]

Yes, I hope so, I try to be positive. Its the only way.
Strange thing though, she asked me when she first told me if I was ok, I was crying and she was upset that I was not happy and wondered why ? The next day she was just chatting to her sister and said to me, "Im so excited mum, I just cant wait, its the best thing ever happend to me, are you pleased for me? you are arent you?" what can I say.

Should I just say yes Im happy. I dont want to say that, as it says in my book dont validate things like that are not a good idea.

[pattyt]

As most I've heard about communicating with someone with BPD runs counter to what would come naturally to me (i.e. "What the he77 were you thinking?"), I guess you could say it's nice to see her so happy and that you wish her the best (truth).

[Forgetmenot]

I don't know what I would say in response to that statement.

Maybe something like, "I would be happier if I knew that YOU were doing really well and able to take very good care of yourself before you have the baby...".

Or, (Have fun with THAT choice that you made.  You have NO idea how hard it is to be a mother)  no..I would only say that in my mind.

Truth is, it doesn't matter how you feel about it, because it is what it is.

I hope I am not ever faced with having to respond to that myself.  Recently my d17 was complaining about nausea on and off..and I was panicking on the inside thinking OMG...what if she is pregnant...I don't think I would be able to handle it!
Today she was asking about getting an IUD or the "thing in the arm".  So hopefully it isn't too late.  She has an appointment with gyn soon.

[lbjnltx]

Yes, I hope so, I try to be positive. Its the only way.
Strange thing though, she asked me when she first told me if I was ok, I was crying and she was upset that I was not happy and wondered why ? The next day she was just chatting to her sister and said to me, "Im so excited mum, I just cant wait, its the best thing ever happend to me, are you pleased for me? you are arent you?" what can I say.

Should I just say yes Im happy. I dont want to say that, as it says in my book dont validate things like that are not a good idea.

How about "I am glad to see you so happy dear.  Babies are indeed a wonderful blessing and they are also a great deal of hard work.  I am just so very concerned about you.  Do you have any concerns that I can help you with?"

[Forgetmenot]

lbj, that sounds good...

[peaceplease]

Yep. what lbj said!    

I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.      You have not mentioned anything about your dh.  Does he know? 

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[mikmik]

Polly-Anna-Heron-Bird
I know weekends are ususally more difficult for your dd, how did this first weekend go?  And I totally agree with LBJ, that you are happy to see your beloved dd so happy and thrilled.  Make it about her happiness, which as it turns out will always influence your happiness.

DD's new Psychiatrist told her that she needs to focus on the here and now, be in the moment, not worry and panic about the future, because it paralyzes her when she does.  I think that, in truth, is what all of us need to do.  It is easy to let our minds and imaginations take us on the bleakest "what if" scenerios.  We drive ourselves mad with all the possible horrible outcomes that will afflict our families.

Could you, for yourself, for an experiment, see if it is humanly possible to be in your Wise Mind, and present in just this moment?  I know that is what all the T's and Docs tell our kids to do.  But, if we can't do it, how can we expect them to do it?  This is a huge challenge I am laying at your weary feet dear Heron.  But, if you can do this, then should we all be able to! 

I hope you can feel all the strength and energy of all of us who are holding you in our thoughts and prayers.

mik

[justhere]

I hope heronbird that you have had a chance to regain your balance since hearing the news of your dds pregnancy and that your thoughts are calming down from all the what-ifs or maybe you are still a bit numb from the shock. I can understand how you cried when dd told you because your were are already so worried about your dd and to add pregnancy on top of everything else, it is just so overwhelming.
 

One thing I know about me is that I like to think of the worse case scenario always, not many people understand that, but it prepares me, my way of protecting myself.
About two months ago dd said she wanted a baby, so I did say oh my, I dont want to look after a baby, then what happens when she has number 2,3 and 4 or more? I got really told off by her care worker for over reacting and he said she hasnt even had her implant out yet. Next day implant was out and now she is pregnant, but I am ok ish about it because I knew it was inevitable.

I think this is the whole thing with our pwbdd's or or ds's is that somehow, we know we will get dragged into there behaviors, dramas, and crisis but we have no say whatsoever in preventing the behaviors in the first place. It is their decisions but we are always standing by to cleanup and this is what is so exausting to us because I am realizing now, it is not our job to be their clean-crew!
 
I really like what mikmik posted...

Make it about her happiness, which as it turns out will always influence your happiness.
DD's new Psychiatrist told her that she needs to focus on the here and now, be in the moment, not worry and panic about the future, because it paralyzes her when she does. I think that, in truth, is what all of us need to do. It is easy to let our minds and imaginations take us on the bleakest "what if" scenerios. We drive ourselves mad with all the possible horrible outcomes that will afflict our families

It is helping me to find that place of Wise Mind and letting-go of my dd as a 3 parter. First, I am trying to let go of the thinking that I have this responsibility to teach her (she is an adult) or to try to influence her decisions with all my wisdom and experience. Second, I am trying to stop all the helping, critizing, or what other comments that I might have that are not supportive because she tunes me out anyways or gets angry if I have anything negative to say about her life or her decisions. Third, and the hardest, is to stop cleaning-up after her.

I realize now, that not only have I been making myself sicker and sicker trying to do the impossible, by trying to fix everything, I can only imagine the pressure I have unknowingly put on my BPD dd over the years to try to get her to live her life on my terms. Like my ds said to me...' be happy for her mom now, because she was able to find some happiness'.

As for your responses to her happiness...you could say something like, "I'm happy that you are happy"...I think that is staying in the moment, being truthful and valadating your dd too because happiness is what all of us want for our BPD child!

Sending you strength and peace to find to that place of Wise Mind and acceptance.

justhere
 

[heronbird]

Thankyou for all your wise advice everyone
ibjn, Yes, I should of known to say that, thats how we are supposed to talk isnt it.

Well, I invited dd and her bf for cooked breakfast on Saturday, first time he has had any sort of meal here, it was good. Im ok, mainly thanks to all your support on here

mikmik,
funny you were told to focus on here and now, when pwBPD always live in the moment and shouldnt I thought?

I think the worse thing would be if dd had to live with me and her bf needed to live here too. So at least thats a positive. She will  get a bigger place to live and like someone said mor clinicians looking after her. 

[mikmik]

Heron,

What bigger gift of love and acceptance than cooking for someone?  You are remarkable and are a lesson to all of us to put our best foot forward in ever challenging situations. 

mik

[vivekananda]

funny you were told to focus on here and now, when pwBPD always live in the moment and shouldnt I thought?

HB, I think being in the moment is like being mindful. The core of DBT therapy. I am not too steeped in these ideas quite yet, but I believe it's about connecting your current emotions with the reality of the present situation. To make sure your feelings and the reality are syncronised and not out of kilt, as they tend to be with our dd's. It involves letting go of ego to take the focus of the situation off our emotional needs to look at the present with a calmer more dispassionate eye. This in turn gives us more control over what we do in response to the situation, to help us avoid the anxiety of what if's, to help us avoid a reflex reaction.

Something like that I think. I am sure others here can explain it better and if I haven't got it quite right, can correct or add to my explanation.

sending you love hb
vivek 

[frustratedmom]

Vivek and HB -

I get tripped up with this too.

On the one hand, the concept of "live in the moment" is for a wisemind emotional response so that our pwBPDs can use dialectic tools to self regulate their REACTION to the emotion of the moment...helping them avoid self harm.

And then there is the "live in the moment" support, which means the best of whatever is happening right then.

I find it dishonest to show an emotion I don't feel. And my dd sees right through it if I try. So when she told me she was pregnant (by text) I supported her by saying there were lots of options. She came home. Then when she came out of the ultrasound with the photo in her hand all smiles and wanting my approval, I looked at her and said "This is nothing to celebrated". Not the response she wanted, but it was the one I had to give.

She left the next day.

As my dh says...she has always gone to the far side...no off the charts...of the unacceptable. She didn't just push the boundaries, she jumped off the cliff.  She said once the reason she did what she did was because she did not have the strength to commit suicide, so she just hoped someone else would do it for her. I believe that. That is how lowly she thinks of herself.

But now, she has done this thing, this pregnancy, and she is placing her hopes in it. She wants us to participate in celebrating it, to be there for her, and to approve.

That would be dishonest.

It's like she has gone off to a cult, has given up all of her worldly goods, gotten pregnant by the polygamous leader, and wants us to come too.  That's how foreign this feels to us.

So then when we don't approve she says she hates us and we are "racist", and she was abused by us.

HB - You may have the advantage that your dd has never trashed you to her bf, making it possible for you to have a relationship with him...and you may find hope in that. And maybe you have it in you to help him...he may turn out to be the parent your dd may never be...

My good thoughts are with you 

[heronbird]

frustrated Hi!
I get what you are saying completly, and I am so not a fake person, I cant lie. When she told me she was pregnant I just said how far gone are you she said early on, I said oh you could loose it ? Why did I say that? so silly really but I lost a baby early on years ago, its just like a heavy period and she wouldnt know. She found out so early she is pregnant, in a way thats good and the doc has given her an emergency appt somewhere to help her with her meds.

I find it strange that she hasnt trashed me to her bf, or has she, you never know. Anyway, he has paranoia and he thinks I hate him anyway. How can she trash me to her bf, she needs me so much, and he always rang us when he thought she was going to kill herself. So Im better than nothing maybe.
It was hard to know what to say to him, so sad.

[frustratedmom]

HB -

I can so relate...
I really don't know what is truth or fabricated in all of this and PJBF may be just trying to cope like he did as a little boy with his heroin addicted (and I heard BPD too) mom. My dd may have set him up. He is really just a baby too, and has temper tantrums...PTSD from being abused by his father...idk. I only get bits and pieces of the story about his life and then I can't make sense of it because the stories don't match up.  But he is so awful to me because of abuse stories she has told him that I don't have much sympathy.

My dd called my dh on Saturday screaming stop stop into the phone with yelling and crashing sounds in the background...then hung up.  He was in the middle of a meeting (go figure) and asked me to call the police for a domestic disturbance...again.

I said no. This has backfired on me at least twice and we needed to let her figure out that SHE needs to call emergency if she is really in one.  So we both texted and tried to call...no response. So we worried. She fills up all of the space in our lives with worry over stuff like this.

She texted this am and said she was going to the doc today to "make sure" everything is okay. I said why, what happened...no answer.

My dh says we should sit down with PJBF alone, and let him know what he is in for...

I think pjbf is getting a good idea, but he is so needy and dysfunctional too, they feed off each other.

Match made in heaven...not.

Keep us posted...hope we can find some hope in all this!

[vivekananda]

On the one hand, the concept of "live in the moment" is for a wisemind emotional response so that our pwBPDs can use dialectic tools to self regulate their REACTION to the emotion of the moment...helping them avoid self harm.

And then there is the "live in the moment" support, which means the best of whatever is happening right then.

My idea of being mindful is more informed by the very little that I understand of Buddhism, not by DBT and stuff. As I understand it the concept of mindfulness was adopted by Marsha Lineham to teach pwBPD to learn how to self regulate. As a 'philosophy' it is much more than that. It is about 'right thinking' and such like principles of Buddhism which are all interrelated. So that being in the moment is a practice whereby one can be distanced from a situation by 'letting go of ego' in order to see the reality without being judgemental and without responding with one's own emotions. The sort of thing you have to be some sort of saint to do - but an excellent thing to aim for! It's about people like us building the neural pathways in our own brains between our emotions, our logic and the parts of our brain that are more empathetic and perhaps spiritual... gee I feel like I am talking mumbo jumbo.

The idea of 'live in the moment' is one that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Not as you explain it FM, that's ok, it just is one of those phrases that sets my alarm bells off. It reminds me of my almost BPD people who extoll the philosphy that we should live every minute as the last in order to rationalise foolhardy and selfish behaviours that lead ultimately to at risk behaviours. Yuk!

HB take care of yourself in all this. I would be very worried if my dd got pregnant. It's such a double edged sword. A beautiful baby and ugly situation.

FM I am glad you and dh didn't respond to your dd's phone call. I think that was wise.

I did so want to be a granma. I had dreams about the whole thing, it would have become a nightmare though. Another thing to grieve for, another lost hope.

lots of love to you,
vivek