Need to know how to deal with phone calls at work

[Think About It...]

I know I need to set a boundry. I have to take some baby steps. My husband gets extremely upset if I have to get off the phone with him while I am at work. This sends him over the edge. He starts making threats to destroy my things, which he has done in the past so I really want to avoid this, but usually it is just a threat. But simply not answering the phone could cause loss of some very personal things. I am staying calm, I am trying to validate when given a chance. But how do I handle this. He is dysregulated obviously. I am trying not to cry, it's a struggle to tell the truth. He called at the worst possible time, which is when he likes to call. How do I handle him threating my things. I have told him that I will leave if he touches my stuff again, however that doesn't mean he won't do it. I just have to be ready to leave, being at work is prety much a huge disadvantage. He has stopped calling but that doesn't mean it is over.

[Cloudy Days]

I know I need to set a boundry. I have to take some baby steps. My husband gets extremely upset if I have to get off the phone with him while I am at work. This sends him over the edge. He starts making threats to destroy my things, which he has done in the past so I really want to avoid this, but usually it is just a threat. But simply not answering the phone could cause loss of some very personal things. I am staying calm, I am trying to validate when given a chance. But how do I handle this. He is dysregulated obviously. I am trying not to cry, it's a struggle to tell the truth. He called at the worst possible time, which is when he likes to call. How do I handle him threating my things. I have told him that I will leave if he touches my stuff again, however that doesn't mean he won't do it. I just have to be ready to leave, being at work is prety much a huge disadvantage. He has stopped calling but that doesn't mean it is over.

[Wanda]

HEllo,
 yea i am not to found of those work phone calls either now i have a cell and i just shut it off, he use to leave like 20 messages now only a few, if he threatens your stuff take what you really cherrish and hide them away put them somewhere  so they can't be distroyed also if he does i have done this hard as it seems let him know he touches your stuff you will call 911 and report them damaged.
 I never had to call 911 due to any damage    my husband knew i would do that.
   yes you need to set boundaries..  don't even need to give a reason why  you aren't picking up, just don't.  be prepared though things may get worse before they get better.
 

[Cloudy Days]

Yea, he keeps telling me do you want more of your stuff destroyed. I told him if he destroyed something of mine it would be destroying our relationship. He keeps asking for a name, over and over and over again. He ends up hanging up everytime I Validate. I don't know what to do, it's taking everything I have right now not to cry and become hysterical. He hasn't raged it quite some time so he's giving it all he's got. I am staying as calm as possible when I talk to him. Me putting my stuff in a safe place is really hard to do without basically just taking it with me to work. He is threatening to destroy a scrapbook that I am making for my Grandma, I have worked on it for litterally 3 months. I need a Husband proof safe.

[Cloudy Days]

I guess what I really need to know is what do I say when he keeps asking over and over again for a name, or who is he? The cheating crap. He is convinced and keeps threatening me with things if I don't tell him a name. Obviously there is no name to tell so I can't give him anything. I have validated and he isn't taking it, he just keeps asking for a name.

[Auspicious]

Destroying your things as "punishment" is domestic violence

I would suggest working with a domestic violence counselor.

[Cloudy Days]

Looks like I should just let go of this relationship. It's not something I can do easily. I made it clear if he destroys something I am leaving. Seems to be making it worse.

[Auspicious]

Looks like I should just let go of this relationship. It's not something I can do easily. I made it clear if he destroys something I am leaving. Seems to be making it worse.

Working with a domestic violence counselor doesn't automatically have to mean leaving. It means recognizing that you have a specialized problem and need some specialized help with it. 

[yeeter]

And at the same time - for the really valuable irreplaceable items - I found a different home for them.

I have a complete file section at work where I have moved my old family photos, tax return info, documents, etc etc.

At this stage I dont think its a threat to return these to the home, but there was a time when that wasnt the case so I just moved them out and into the safety of my work environment. 

And I also have a backup of the computer hard drive that I keep at work.  So much is electronic these days that this is an easy thing to do (lots of legal docs and photos there)

The phone calls - I would just explain that I cant always answer.  Then dont.  This took a little while for her to adjust to, but she did eventually make the adjustment (the other thing was that she would get on the line and not end it, even after I said goodbye or that I needed to go - she would just keep going.  At one time I allowed this (it just seemed polite) - but after me just saying 'ok Im going, bye' and immediately hanging up a few times, she adjusted to this as well)

 

[Cloudy Days]

Is there a way that I can speak to someone over the phone without seeing someone. It's not really something I can do easily, I have no money and he would probably flip out if I were to try and see a councelor. We only have one car and it is usually left with him. As far as my things go, I have basically scanned every single picture I now own, He's already destroyed them once, He is only seeing therapy because it was a condition for me staying after he did it. I need to put the discs in a safe place they are actually hidden for now. but what he is threatening is something I am currently working on, it's a gift for my Grandma and will be hopefully given to her on Christmas, can't wait for that day to come because he knows what to go for and that's exactly it. I am thinking if it's not destroyed I will just create the pages seprate from the book and hide the book somewhere to be put together when I can. This is so draining, It makes me loose any hope that I had.

[Auspicious]

Is there a way that I can speak to someone over the phone without seeing someone. It's not really something I can do easily, I have no money and he would probably flip out if I were to try and see a councelor. We only have one car and it is usually left with him.

Yes, there are phone numbers you can call


You can try our search to find local help:

http://BPDfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm


If you are in the US, you could call:

 the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1_

[yeeter]

If you are in the US, you could call:

 the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1_

[waverider]

i used to get this when I had a job in the construction industry once. People get narky when  you keep downtooling to argue with your partner. Then when i turned phone off, employer gets peed off because they cant cont you. Even this did not work she would just call my coowrkers and get them to put me on. That went down even worse.


Even now if she wants to talk to anybody on impulse (quite often) she will just call whatever time of day, pays no regard to whether they may be working or not, even calls kids in class. Then gets very angry if no one answers. The fact they are busy is not relevant, they are deliberately ignoring them.

[Chosen]

Hi Cloudy Days.  I have some experience in this area.

When we were dating, whenever H was mad at me he'd call me at work like 20 times in a row, also keep on texting and actually he would copy and paste the same abusive message 10 times.  I would reply to him and he would keep forcing me "answer me!  answer me!" 

Then I don't remember what happened exactly, but I would sometimes "pretend" not to be at my seat, then later when he called I would just calmly say, "Sorry I was in my boss' room (when I was actually there, just not listening).  You called about something?"  I guess that "taught" him I don't always have to be there.

Now if I see texts I don't like I tend to ignore them or something.  Lately I have also tried hanging up on him when he called just to fight.  Actually, this was his first improvement- he now texts mean stuff much less, and also won't compulsively call so many times.

[real lady]

Hi Cloudy Days;
I agree with Chosen; just because he dysregulates because you are not on the phone or will not accept that you CANNOT talk about it at work...

I would like to add a suggestion...We can show someone that we CARE about them but we will NOT allow them to harass us by simply PUTTING THE CALL ON HOLD...saying something like "I am really busy here and CANNOT talk with you right now but if you like, I can place you on hold" if he says yes and when you go back to his call he is STILL dysregulated, you could validate him by saying "You seem to really want to talk about this but it is NOT a good time for ME, OOOPS, I need to place you on hold again, be right back"...and do this multiple times "feigning" interruptions WITH YOUR WORK taking priority..

if he refuses to comply and says "NO"...I would END the conversation by saying "I am sorry that I am busy, I  CANNOT talk with you now and you will not wait for me to be "unbusy". I have to go but I will be willing to talk about it AWAY FROM WORK. I have to go now...have a good day."

Feigning the "hold" slows them down, shows them that YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES and will not give him the "time" that is NOT HIS to harass or argue with you...You are a "professional" and can deal that way with him...

I had an office job and my son's father would call and I would tell him to STOP calling but that NEVER worked. Putting him on hold, MAKING HIM WAIT TO TALK WITH ME and then going back and letting him know my boundary that I will NOT accept his calls at work when they are of this nature...finally did it.

Sometimes MUCH NEEDED little boundaries work much better; especially if you are trying to NOT get fired by his constant texting, interruptions, etc. He is seemingly "stalking you a bit" to try to validate HIS fear that you are cheating on him. That's hard...

Destroying your property is abusive...your property is YOURS. Be very careful. He is SO dysregulated and "beside himself" that destroying your property is "in ways" destroying YOU...don't let that happen...  

[Validation78]

Hi Cloudy and All!
   So as to not diminish the obvious facts about the destruction of your valuables, I would like to say that I agree with the advice given you here by the others. It is unacceptable, and by all means, please pursue the DV avenue available to you.
   As to calls at work, I strongly agree with Lady, and have found SET to be a way to address that issue. I chose to talk about it when we were not at odds with each other. For example:

H: There are times when we don't see each other, and I need to talk to you
M: I understand that something may be important and that you rely on me for support and feedback
H: So, why can't you take a minute to talk to me?
M: It is rare that important matters can be resolved in a minute, and when you feel like I am unavailable for something you need, it must be hard for you.
H: It is, and feel like you are avoiding me
M: If my not answering calls while I'm at work makes you feel that way, I can understand why you would be upset. The truth is, I am expected to give my full attention during my day at work to my work. When I address personal matters, I find it distracting, and it often makes my job more difficult. I have many people who depend on me to be on top of my game, and it is very stressful. As much as I would like to make time for you, for the most part, my inability to do so is beyond my control. Therefore, I cannot answer all of your calls. If it is an urgent matter, I will do my utmost to get back to you if you leave me a message.

I have said much of this over and over. The important part is that I am consistent. I don't sway from my statements of truth, and it has gotten better since I don't give him the intermittent rewards!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[Beaten]

I hate to hear about all the terrible things that people do to each other.

Mine contacted me regularly just as I was going into an important meeting or leaving for class.  It's like she wanted to make me late or be upset during my important event.

As far as property is concerned, I called the police when she rammed my car.  The officer asked, "Is her name on the title?" It was, so he said, "Sorry sir, there is nothing I can do.  There is no law about damaging your own property."  I tried to explain to him that it was my car, but he just said that it comes down to legal details.  She owned the car too.  Pretty sad.