Are my fleas coming across as red flags?

[Think About It...]

So, I'm dating this great guy and it's all going really well, except for one thing.

As we get closer, we're disclosing more and more to each other, like you normally do when you're getting to know someone.  At the early stages, I described my previous BPD r/s in broad outline and that was fine.  But now that we're deeper and deeper in, it keeps coming up and I feel conflicted.

If I say too much, I feel really vulnerable and ashamed.  I worry every time that I'm giving TMI and I'm gonna scare the crap out of my new bf.  I mean, if I heard the same level of crazy about his background, I'd see red flags everywhere.

But I don't want to gloss over everything and mislead him either because that feels fake and distancing and frankly, also pretty shameful.

I guess what I really want is for him to know the truth about my life and accept it, but it's so scary to keep putting myself out there like this and waiting to see how he'll react after he's had time to digest it.  So far, he's always come back with acceptance and new levels of intimacy/trust, but every time we cycle through a new revelation, the stress makes me want to bolt.  Help!

[forgottenarm]

So, I'm dating this great guy and it's all going really well, except for one thing.

As we get closer, we're disclosing more and more to each other, like you normally do when you're getting to know someone.  At the early stages, I described my previous BPD r/s in broad outline and that was fine.  But now that we're deeper and deeper in, it keeps coming up and I feel conflicted.

If I say too much, I feel really vulnerable and ashamed.  I worry every time that I'm giving TMI and I'm gonna scare the crap out of my new bf.  I mean, if I heard the same level of crazy about his background, I'd see red flags everywhere.

But I don't want to gloss over everything and mislead him either because that feels fake and distancing and frankly, also pretty shameful.

I guess what I really want is for him to know the truth about my life and accept it, but it's so scary to keep putting myself out there like this and waiting to see how he'll react after he's had time to digest it.  So far, he's always come back with acceptance and new levels of intimacy/trust, but every time we cycle through a new revelation, the stress makes me want to bolt.  Help!

[Ny-Lon]

I know what you mean about being open and honest, I did this too. However, I came to the conclusion when dating (when things got more serious that is) that I'd give them the outlines but realised I had to deal with my feelings on my own. They're not anyone else's issues and most people wouldn't understand how these BPD relationships effect us. I know I don't like it when people talk too much about their exs. Fortunately you have this website to help with your "fleas".

PM me if you need to. I can tell you more on the matter.

[GreenMango]

It sounds like a careful balance.  Is he asking for details is that why it keeps coming up?  You are allowed privacy in a relationship.  Full disclosure isn't always recommended or required to having a solid healthy relationship.

[livednlearned]

I understand the fine line you're talking about.

An old bf got in touch with me recently -- we hadn't been in contact for over 12 years because N/BPDx was jealous of ... anyone, really. With old bf, I was vague about the divorce in the beginning, and then, I had to open up because I seemed evasive. The crazy with N/BPDx is still ongoing because we have a child together, and some of that crazy spilled out far enough it had to be explained to old bf, and trying to contain it just made it as though I wasn't being honest. I wasn't going to be in a r/s with my old bf, but I felt similar feelings to what you're describing.

In the end, I told him the truth. It did raise flags for him, but I was also able to talk about what I learned about myself. I feel distant from the drama now, but there were a few episodes where I got emotional, and that's when things felt a bit weird with old bf, since he didn't really understand the extent of the mental illness.  You don't share custody with your ex, if I remember correctly, so you don't have to worry about that bs.

My old bf understands that I was with someone who is mentally ill, and knows more about PDs now. We're good friends, and he feels like someone I can trust. I don't think it scared him off, I think it increased his respect for me. I'm not ready for a r/s right now (and he lives in another state), but it was a good experience to at least be in the ballpark of an intimate r/s and feel what that was like.

I say be honest. Own what's yours, share what you learned, and give your new guy a sense of how debilitating and sad it is for people who are mentally ill. If he can't take it in and it scares him off, then screw him.  

[forgottenarm]

Thanks everyone . . .

NY-LON---yeah, that's for sure.  I'm pretty careful with the emotional stuff.  Never go to him for emotional support on this topic.  It's more that I feel I have to provide some reasonable explanation for what happened.

GM---I agree.  I'm starting to think now that I've probably said enough and will just avoid the topic for a while.  My new bf never pries.  I think he's just trying to understand my history well enough to decide whether I'm safe for him.  I wish I could present myself in a way that inspires confidence, but I can't figure out how to slap lipstick on this pig 

LnL---your post made me laugh.  I've been taking a similar approach so far and ultimately, it seems to be working out okay.  I do think talking about it enough to show you learned something from the experience is important.  Otherwise, it just seems like a mysterious failure of some kind.

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[beguya]

are you sharing or feel obligated to share info that is not directly being asked for?

I personally would only share if it was being asked for and i thought it were appropriate and not crossing any boundaries OR
I might only bring it up without any inquiry if i thought a related instance to my current relationship is having an effect on that relationship or triggering some emotion.

Are you muddying the waters with TMI or letting things happen through natural progression?

[forgottenarm]

I don't mention anything about it unless he asks a question, but even then it's tricky because the answer can be as complicated as you want to make it.  Finding the balance between honesty and TMI is difficult.

Also, not that I want to talk about my ex per se, but he was there for the last five years of my life and that little detail seems to put most of those life experiences off-limits, too.

It's odd because both of us are divorced and we pepper our conversations with references to our previous marriages/ex-spouses all the time and it's no big deal.  But this situation seems more radioactive somehow.

BTW: whatever I said a few days ago that stressed me out has had no effect on him whatsoever.  So I think a lot of this is in my own head.  Still, I'm realizing that my own comfort zone is probably not to talk about any of it, so to the extent I can avoid the whole topic, I probably will.  ;p

[livednlearned]

I'm still trying to figure out how you describe your r/s with an ex BPD spouses in broad outlines.

Yeah so I married an alcoholic bipolar b@sh!t crazy N/BPD trial lawyer. Didn't work out so great. How do you like me so far?

 

Keep posting Forgottenarm! I really admire the work you're doing and hope things go well.

[beguya]

that's wonderful Forgottenarm

You seem to be transitioning to your new relationships in life well and with objectivity.

I was with my exBPDgf for five years as well.  It has taken me over a year to become receptive to people.  I can feel myself starting to open more and have noticed that i have unraveled from the tangled mess more.  I think i can see the ball of yarn getting smaller.

[forgottenarm]

I'm still trying to figure out how you describe your r/s with an ex BPD spouses in broad outlines.

Yeah so I married an alcoholic bipolar b@sh!t crazy N/BPD trial lawyer. Didn't work out so great. How do you like me so far?

 

Keep posting Forgottenarm! I really admire the work you're doing and hope things go well.

ROFL   ahhhhhh . . . I believe I vaguely referred to "anger issues" at first.  Such a journey . . . 

[livednlearned]

I know others say there's no reason for TMI, and it's good to set a boundary. But do you mean it's ok to set a boundary? Or do you mean it's good (as in way to go! you're healthy!) to set a boundary? I guess what I'm asking is, are we saying that this boundary in particular is a benchmark of healing?

Because I want to know stuff about them, including whether their ex was a nut. D@mn straight I want to know! I would want to know that they did the emotional/psychological work to sort out why it happened, what did they learn, how did they process it, how did they grow, and what was their stuff about? I don't mean that I'd ask it on the first date and pepper them with intense questions rat-a-tat-tat. Just that I would want to know, like, pretty early on. And not in that way where it's a trap to wallow in the drama and get someone feeling sorry for me.

This r/s with N/BPDx shattered my life. I don't see how talking about that can be avoided. Is it different if you were married than if you were not?

[forgottenarm]

Agree totally.

[beachgirl009]

I've unexpectedly reconnected with my Ex boyfriend from HS after 14 years. It's do nice to spend time with someone that doesn't lean on me for all of their problems. He is divorcing. Neither of us really are ready to date so we are hanging out as friends. I am also trying to figure out how to share my experience. I tend to lean towards "he was bipolar and had anger issues". I just remember how my dbipolar uBPDex fiancé always talked about his ex wife for the first year we were together and how I honestly got sick of it.  . Of course I didn't walk away then. I don't want to push good people out of my life by talking about the crazy roller coaster full of unexpected moments that my life was with him. Guess that's while I'll still check in on the boards!