An exercise: Confronting our own Lies

[Think About It...]

He made me...

I had no choice...

She kept calling and yelling at me...

She won't let me...


This is an exercise to help you confront the lies you tell yourself. The lie that you don't have fee will. That you don't have a choice. This isn't an easy thing to face, since many of us have been living this lie for a long time. Yet by having the strength to name your lie you will find the power to break free from it.

Free will.
Free choice.

* part one - name an area you feel you don't have control over

* part two - brainstorm some alternative options, no matter how unlikely they feel, list them as possibilities

*   reflect on what prevents you from acting on those choices

[united for now]

He made me...

I had no choice...

She kept calling and yelling at me...

She won't let me...


This is an exercise to help you confront the lies you tell yourself. The lie that you don't have fee will. That you don't have a choice. This isn't an easy thing to face, since many of us have been living this lie for a long time. Yet by having the strength to name your lie you will find the power to break free from it.

Free will.
Free choice.

* part one - name an area you feel you don't have control over

* part two - brainstorm some alternative options, no matter how unlikely they feel, list them as possibilities

*   reflect on what prevents you from acting on those choices

[eeyore]

if we don't domicile together and I don't take out a mortgage then we don't belong together.  Our relationship won't work and it's my fault because he can't be with someone who makes such poor financial decisions.  And the lie I'm telling myself is this isn't emotional blackmail, because clearly it is.  I just don't know what to do.

[dogmama]

Yikes!  There's a part of this that sounds so familiar.  I discovered too late just how bad my BPD husband's finances were--after I made a down payment on a house for us.  I've spent years dutifully paying off one of his messes after another.  It appears that what is mine is his, and what's his is his.

If I knew then what I know now, I'd have not gone through with the house purchase and ended the relationship.  What I have now is exhaustion, reduced self-esteem, and pillaged finances.

Sorry that I can't give you anything positive.  But, he may be demanding this of you because he's been financially irresponsible.  You have my best wishes and prayers.

[eeyore]

just wondering did you want to make that down payment ?  Would you explain more? 

[dogmama]

Not really.  I owned my nice, cozy home out right.  Lots of friends and a community I enjoyed being a part of.  He couldn't find a job in the area and his kids hated the area because their mother told them she didn't like it (she'd never been there).  So, when BPDh found a job an hour away, everyone from him to his kids to his parents to his ex got their 30¢ in.

I wish I'd never moved.  It was after we made an offer on the house that I found he'd lied to me about his savings -- or lack of them.

[united for now]

An example exercise:

#1 - name an area you feel you don't have control over - she calls me all the time at work and gets really mad if I don't answer. Accusing me of cheating on her

#2 - brainstorm alternative options - I could change my work number, call her more often so she won't have to call me, change jobs, don't answer the phone, set a limit to when or how many times I can speak while at work, have someone else answer the phone instead, quit my job to stay at home with her

#3 - reflections and thoughts on what is stopping you from trying any of these ideas - if I don't answer the phone she gets mad at me. I don't want her mad at me. I also don't want her to accuse me of cheating when I would never do that. I want her to love me and trust me. I also don't want to lose my job and her constant phone calls are causing me to perform poorly at work. Her phone calls leave me an emotional wreck and I can't concentrate. I come home nervous and worried all the time. I dread walking in the door, knowing that she's gonna accuse me of banging some girl at work. I have to answer the phone. I don't have a choice. I want her to be happy. 



~ the hardest part ~
#4 - recognizing that you do have a choice and that you do have some control over what "you" do. The importance of establishing limits - answering her constant phone calls isn't making her feel any better. In fact, she is getting worse, not better. While I know that I can't stop her from calling me, I do have the choice to only answer one phone call a day while working. Limiting it to one phone call will allow me to keep my mind on my job. I know she won't like this. Doing things her way wasn't working, so maybe the exerts are right. Maybe I do need to say "no" to her. Maybe saying "no" will change our relationship in more positive ways.

[yeeter]

Hi UFN - I will take a shot at it:

First - the semantics.  If you genuinely believe something to be true - is it really a lie?  I get your point though, that its not doing yourself any good to have adopted a view of reality that isnt grounded in practicalities, so onward.

#1)  My wife insulated me from my friends/family.  She just makes it difficult for me to engage.  There is always a 'reason', and in her mind once she has a 'reason' (usually logic based), then thats the answer in what 'should' be done.  I went along with these reasons for years.

#2)  The alternate option is to just make sure I AM connecting with friends regularly.  To make it a priority, over some other duty  or obligation or 'reason'.  Kids have a play date?  Too bad, its important that I have friends to connect with and its been a month since I last spoke to xyz, so we are squeezing in a breakfast to catch up.  Will be home by 9am - you are all on your own before then.

#3)  What is stopping me?  For sure, a big part of it is the price that comes with it.  If I dont do what I 'should', then my wife gets upset.  She infers that I am not doing my fair share of the work.  That I am an irresponsible father.  That she isnt being allowed to take time and do things that she wants.  That I am not fair.  That I am selfish.  Only think about myself and doing whatever I want without consideration to others, etc etc.  She even infers these things publically, when talking to others in the community.  Then when I get back its walking on tip toes, and trying to appease her (soothe her emotions).

The net net is, that it sets up a dynamic that is a very unhealthy relationship.  Effectively, destroying me as a person over the years.  MUCH better to identify some of my own needs to stay emotionally healthy, and then make these a priority.  Because if all I am doing is an exercise in survival, doing whatever it takes to stay in the relationship - by definition then it isnt a relationship worth staying in. 

So part of my own responsibility to the relationship, in order to make it healthy and sustainable in the long run, is to take care of my own emotional (and physical) needs.  This is as much about saying no as it is about conforming to her requests.  After all, we dont tell our children 'yes' to every request - so why would we do that in a relationship?  (we have a responsibility to lead the relationship in a healthy emotional direction).  Call it tough love.  Being a responsible spouse. 

Looking forward to hearing other examples...

[Cloudy Days]

I could have basically written word for word what United for Now has written. It's like it came from me.

 I have a problem with facebook. My husband hates it, he hates that I have freinds on it and we have had terrible fights over it. I feel I do not have control of it and it is what he wants that goes. I cannot have male freinds that are not related to me doesn't matter if they are related to him still can't have them. He even at one point made me delete it. It was after about two weeks of fighting over it over and over again that I finally gave in. two days later he told me to reinstate it becuase he felt guilty. He did force me to delete my best freind that I am not allowed to see anymore because he doesn't like her. I have been truthful with her about it, it makes me sad. during his last mess up I did add her back.

I could just add whoever I wanted and deal with his rages. I could change my password and tell him it's none of his business, I could go out with my friend and tell him to get over it, I could invite her over and try and make peace with him that way. If he were there then he knows I'm not hunting for guys with her. This is his main reason for not wanting me to see her.

I don't do them because I don't want to deal with the rages. I don't want to upset him, I want him to see that I love him and that I don't want to hurt him. It seemed like the more I stood up for myself on this issue the more he pushes and it just isn't worth it. People didn't used to have a facebook so why do I need one with everyone I used to know on it. I now mainly have family and the few freinds I made in highschool which ammounts to about 40 people. I don't have any real friends now because of him because he didn't like my old freinds, and also because I'm not good at making them. I hold onto the people I know I was never good and making new relationships.

[united for now]

Cloudy
Do you see that You are making a choice ? To Give up all friends he doesn't like to keep him happy?
What effect does that have on you?
Is it fair and reasonable to not have friends?

[Cloudy Days]

I do see I have a choice, But I choose to keep the peace with him. It's not really fair or reasonable but nothing is with him. I get it, For now he is working in therapy, I am more or less choosing my battles. I made the choice 8 years ago so it will be hard to work it back in now. I have tried a few times with his support even, I think I have alienated my one friend, which is understandable. I didn't have many freinds to start out with. The one I had messed up really badly and I was the one who said I would never see her again, she did hurt me severly, I'm not the only person to go no contact with her. But then I forgave her and he threw a fit, bringing up what she did. He has done worse and I have fogiven him but obviously he doesn't see it that way. I have to say I could probably have a freind, I just have a hard time making them. It hits really hard some days. I guess I'm never sure if it is because of him or if it is because of me and my ability to talk to people. I am extremely shy although you would never know it over the net. I have often wondered why I kept her as a friend for so long, she screwed me over sevral times in my childhood and even when we were older. She would apologise and I would forgive her. Sounds a lot like my relationship with my husband except she never took it to the same extreme as him and no Raging. She was extremely outgoing and fun and I was shy, it worked well most of the time except for me getting hurt.

[hello86]

1) Personal Finances

2) a)  Track her spending & set a reasonable monthly threshold & if she exceeds it I ask her about it.
    b)  Do nothing at all and let her control the finances & me manage my own loans.
    c)  Expect backlash but set aside a time a week or 2 in advance to go over them.
    d)  Keep cash around so she cannot get frustrated if I spend a couple bucks on a coffee because she can't track it.
(I've actually tried all of these)

3) a)  She triggers whenever it is mentioned. 
    b)  She feels that it is too complex for me to understand. 
    c)  It would take too long for her to explain. 
    d)  It's too stressful to talk about.
    e)  She checks our bank statements each month and triggers if she sees me spending anything that she doesn't know about.  Even if she comes home with all sorts of stuff for herself.

[eeyore]

what's the answer to #4?