Thinking of Breaking NC To Close Open Door

[Think About It...]

Anyone who has followed my sad story knows I cut off ex-BPD gf/recycle relationship and then followed up by flipping out when I had a delayed reaction to all the frustration I had kept inside for 18 months.  The flipping out was triggered by finding out the ex got into rebound r/s and my reactions were ugly to say the least.

In my last contact I instructed her by text to never contact me again until "you are ready to apologize and are serious about getting help for your BPD."    Clearly this left the door open.

I am not comfortable with the door being open and also am not happy with the way I reacted.

I have not done anything yet but am thinking about sending a "peace" letter of sorts apologizing for my ugly reaction, rescinds my apology demand saying all is forgiven, and closes open door saying we not good for each other let's never contact each other again.

I don't want to go backwards but am concerned about the open door and the general rottenness of how things ended.

What are your thoughts on this?  I would be willing to post the contents of the proposed letter here for review.

[nowwhatz]

Anyone who has followed my sad story knows I cut off ex-BPD gf/recycle relationship and then followed up by flipping out when I had a delayed reaction to all the frustration I had kept inside for 18 months.  The flipping out was triggered by finding out the ex got into rebound r/s and my reactions were ugly to say the least.

In my last contact I instructed her by text to never contact me again until "you are ready to apologize and are serious about getting help for your BPD."    Clearly this left the door open.

I am not comfortable with the door being open and also am not happy with the way I reacted.

I have not done anything yet but am thinking about sending a "peace" letter of sorts apologizing for my ugly reaction, rescinds my apology demand saying all is forgiven, and closes open door saying we not good for each other let's never contact each other again.

I don't want to go backwards but am concerned about the open door and the general rottenness of how things ended.

What are your thoughts on this?  I would be willing to post the contents of the proposed letter here for review.

[Want2know]

I think it might be a good exercise to write the letter, and if you want, post it here before sending.  You can always choose not to send it, if after writing it you feel differently.

Do you have any expectations regarding a response from her?

[nowwhatz]

I think it might be a good exercise to write the letter, and if you want, post it here before sending.  You can always choose not to send it, if after writing it you feel differently.

Do you have any expectations regarding a response from her?

I have no expectations regarding a response other than no response, or maybe something hostile. I would prefer no response. I think I will post it here and see what kind of response I get from you great folks and then sleep on it.

[Want2know]

I think it might be a good exercise to write the letter, and if you want, post it here before sending.  You can always choose not to send it, if after writing it you feel differently.

Do you have any expectations regarding a response from her?

I have no expectations regarding a response other than no response, or maybe something hostile. I would prefer no response. I think I will post it here and see what kind of response I get from you great folks and then sleep on it.

As long as your expectations are realistic, which is sounds like they are, go for it! 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[nowwhatz]

I think it might be a good exercise to write the letter, and if you want, post it here before sending.  You can always choose not to send it, if after writing it you feel differently.

Do you have any expectations regarding a response from her?

I have no expectations regarding a response other than no response, or maybe something hostile. I would prefer no response. I think I will post it here and see what kind of response I get from you great folks and then sleep on it.

As long as your expectations are realistic, which is sounds like they are, go for it! 

Ok want2know.  My only expectation is to end the madness with some semblance of peace and some forgiveness and hopefully help extinguish any thoughts she may have of 'rekindling.'   

Here is the text of the letter I am thinking of sending. If I send it I hope it does not come across as weak to her:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


This is my attempt to end everything on a more positive note.

First of all I want to apologize for my overreaction to our August 12th breakup, when you said you just wanted to be friends again and asked me to pay your electric bill after asking me to take you back as my girlfriend on August 4th.

My overreaction was because I held many things back during our 18 month relationship/friendship. I held things back because I did not want to hurt you or lose you. All of my feelings and frustrations came out after August 12th and over the last few weeks.  That was wrong.

As far as your apology to me you do not need to apologize.  I have chosen to forgive you and I do forgive you before God.  As we are both Christians/Catholics it is important that you know that.

You warned me many times you did not want to hurt me and you behaved the way you did because you said you were emotionally sick. Despite your warnings I took your behavior personally. 

There is no shame in being sick but I hope that you can one day find the strength to take care of yourself for your own happiness.
I understand now I could not fix you, rescue you or whatever. I can only try to fix myself.

I think you came into my life for a reason. That reason was to wake me up and look at myself.  I am trying to do that now.
If I was ever your _

[Want2know]

Wow - that is one heck of a letter.   

I understand part of your reason is to be proactive for any recycle attempt.  The only thing I would caution you about is about mentioning never contacting each other again.  For someone who most likely has abandonment issues, that may trigger her and make her tendency to want to contact you stronger.

How would it work for you to remove the following part:

We must never allow it to restart again. 

Let_

[nowwhatz]

Wow - that is one heck of a letter.   

I understand part of your reason is to be proactive for any recycle attempt.  The only thing I would caution you about is about mentioning never contacting each other again.  For someone who most likely has abandonment issues, that may trigger her and make her tendency to want to contact you stronger.

How would it work for you to remove the following part:

We must never allow it to restart again. 

Let_

[Want2know]

Because the wounds are still fresh and both sides have been damaged it might be better if I send the letter in another week, if I send it at all.

I think that sounds like a good plan.  The fact that you were able to express this does not take away from this moment.  I felt what you were saying, and it came from a good place in you that is moving towards making peace.  It's a big step, and one that can be complex.  Your heart and head are in the right place...now it's about your healing, which writing this is a part of it.  

Take a look at this article: http://BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm, especially the info on the right side of the document.  Let us know what stands out for you.

[nowwhatz]

Because the wounds are still fresh and both sides have been damaged it might be better if I send the letter in another week, if I send it at all.

I think that sounds like a good plan.  The fact that you were able to express this does not take away from this moment.  I felt what you were saying, and it came from a good place in you that is moving towards making peace.  It's a big step, and one that can be complex.  Your heart and head are in the right place...now it's about your healing, which writing this is a part of it.  

Take a look at this article: http://BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm, especially the info on the right side of the document.  Let us know what stands out for you.

Thanks want2know. You are too kind.

Well I read the right side of the page and will have to reread it and consider.   Right now she is not bothering me. The pattern has always been something pulls her away for a while then the return. This is the the first 'real' bf she has had this year other than me but nobody knows how long it will last, especially with my overreactions of the last week or so.

Honestly she may not abide by a NC and I know right now I am not strong enough to withstand another seduction. Sad but true.  I guess the letter is an attempt to bring some civility to an uncivilized situation and promote some healing for me. 

I will keep working on myself. Thank you again!

[Gaslit]

Very nice letter. I would only delete this part: "bad behavior by both of us"

She will focus on this, if you leave it in, and ignore the rest. It is not needed. I'd remove it.

Good Luck!

[nowwhatz]

Very nice letter. I would only delete this part: "bad behavior by both of us"

She will focus on this, if you leave it in, and ignore the rest. It is not needed. I'd remove it.

Good Luck!

Thank you Gaslit.  I will remove that. Why do you think she will focus on it? Do you think she will get defensive?

My experience with her is she does remember certain things in any post breakup/recycle letter I have sent in the past, especially if it relates to something she wants...like sex...or emergency help etc.   

[Gaslit]

My experience is that 'she' can say such things, because it means we are both to blame, when I do the same sometimes, she will focus on the her being bad part. Or rather, my saying it. And yes, become defensive, and ignore all else.

In either case, you won't change her, so I'd leave it out. Your letter stands perfectly without it.

Let us know what happens.

[nowwhatz]

My experience is that 'she' can say such things, because it means we are both to blame, when I do the same sometimes, she will focus on the her being bad part. Or rather, my saying it. And yes, become defensive, and ignore all else.

In either case, you won't change her, so I'd leave it out. Your letter stands perfectly without it.

Let us know what happens.

Thanks so much Gaslit.  Btw, I didn't know what gaslighting was until a couple of weeks ago.

Yes, I am sure she is extremely p*ssed off at me right now as I am the crazy, bad guy. I can only imagine (actually I KNOW) what the new guy is dealing with.

I don't want to add any more pain to my plate..that is the main thing.   I am starting to come to grips with the fact that there is probably no way to prevent her from trying to contact me in the future. I will just need to find a way to be ready to deal with it or control it when/if it happens.

But when the timing is right I will probably send the letter.

[nowwhatz]

Ok I made the final edit so this is what I will send:

----------------------------------------------------------


This is my attempt to end everything on a more positive note.

First of all I want to apologize for my overreaction to our August 12th breakup, when you said you just wanted to be friends again and asked me to pay your electric bill, after asking me to take you back as my girlfriend on August 4th.

My overreaction was because I held many things back during our 18 month relationship/friendship. I held things back because I did not want to hurt you or lose you. That was wrong.

All of my feelings and frustrations came out after August 12th and for the last few weeks.  My reaction was as much of a surprise to me as it probably was to you.  It was wrong and I am sorry.

As far as your apology to me you do not need to apologize.  I have chosen to forgive you and I do forgive you before God.  As we are both Christians/Catholics it is important that you know that.

You warned me many times you did not want to hurt me and you behaved the way you did because you said you were emotionally sick. Despite your warnings I took your behavior personally. 

There is no shame in being sick but I hope that you can one day find the strength to take care of yourself for your own happiness.
I understand now I could not fix you, rescue you or whatever. I can only try to fix myself.

I think you came into my life for a reason. That reason was to wake me up and look at myself.  I am trying to do that now.

If I was ever your _

[steveATC]

I understand completely that you want to clear the air and set things straight with her.  I felt so incredibly bad when I left my BPD Ex crying hysterically on the phone when I said my final goodbye to her.

But here_

[Gaslit]

Re-reading your letter, and knowing that less is more, or at least less is easier to understand. If you really just want to say goodbye, maybe edit it down some. I think there is a lot in there you would like her to understand, to realize, to get. She won't though, you know.

Here is my edit suggestion.
--

First of all I want to apologize for my overreaction to our August 12th breakup.

I think you came into my life for a reason.

Despite all the pain and problems maybe, just maybe, we can become better people in the future because of our shared experience.

I wish you the happiness you deserve as a person.

I ask you to occasionally remember me in your prayers and I will do the same for you.

God bless you and your Family.

[oletimefeelin]

I have to say I see the letter as really bogus.  If I knew you personally, I'd choose another word.  You're picking a scab here.  These relationships have to end somehow.  Sometimes they end nicely and sometimes they end in a cloud of dust like yours.  It's a break up after all.  

This will be over because you know it's over.  It'll be over because you're strong and are choosing yourself and your own needs rather than this relationship.  This all ended six weeks ago.  Being a year out from all this I can tell you six weeks is nothing.  You're playing with fire if you really are done with this woman.

I also found the section about her being sick etc to be distasteful.  So you're writing her to apologize but then reminding her she's sick?  If you have to write a letter, you're going to write it no matter what anyone says.  But just apologize, wish her the best, and get on with it.  All this other white noise is superfluous given your stated goal here.  Which makes me wonder if what you say to be reason really is your reason?  I speak from experience here.  I said one thing and secretly wanted another a lot during this emotionally volatile period you're in.

You've presumably said nothing for six weeks.  This silence should speak volumes.  The religious reasoning strikes me as suspect also.  Isn't a higher supposed to be forgiving?  This outburst you had is a relatively minor infraction in the grand scheme of things.  Forgive yourself and accept that you're a fallible and imperfect being.  

You need to get down to focusing on yourself.  This letter is a distraction from this necessary step.  

[Want2know]

Re-reading your letter, and knowing that less is more, or at least less is easier to understand. If you really just want to say goodbye, maybe edit it down some. I think there is a lot in there you would like her to understand, to realize, to get. She won't though, you know.

I believe writing letters such as this is more of a theraputic process.  Nowwhatz said he may or may not send it.

It's about getting out what he's feeling right now more than it is about her.

Many of us have written letters and never sent them.  If he does choose to send it, it is important to understand it might solicit a response, and that's why I had mentioned earlier to be ready for it.

Letters are a little safer sometimes than direct verbal communication.  I used to leave letters for my ex when we were still together, as I couldn't quite put into words what I wanted to say to him directly.  His responses would never allow me to get the message across that I wanted to.

He knows his ex better than any of us.  If he were going to have a direct conversation with her, I might also suggest to be short and sweet, so I understand your reasoning Gaslit.  Sitting on the letter for a week, as he mentioned is a good idea. 

Let us know how you feel, Nowwhatz, after you've had some time to sit with it and consider how you might handle a possible response from her.

[nowwhatz]

Re-reading your letter, and knowing that less is more, or at least less is easier to understand. If you really just want to say goodbye, maybe edit it down some. I think there is a lot in there you would like her to understand, to realize, to get. She won't though, you know.

I believe writing letters such as this is more of a theraputic process.  Nowwhatz said he may or may not send it.

It's about getting out what he's feeling right now more than it is about her.

Many of us have written letters and never sent them.  If he does choose to send it, it is important to understand it might solicit a response, and that's why I had mentioned earlier to be ready for it.

Letters are a little safer sometimes than direct verbal communication.  I used to leave letters for my ex when we were still together, as I couldn't quite put into words what I wanted to say to him directly.  His responses would never allow me to get the message across that I wanted to.

He knows his ex better than any of us.  If he were going to have a direct conversation with her, I might also suggest to be short and sweet, so I understand your reasoning Gaslit.  Sitting on the letter for a week, as he mentioned is a good idea. 

Let us know how you feel, Nowwhatz, after you've had some time to sit with it and consider how you might handle a possible response from her.

Want2know,

I hope it is therapeutic also. I did have a dream last night about her (first in a long time) which disturbed me a bit.

Because of what was done (by her and me) and my demand for an apology I think it is important that I leave the I forgive you part in there.
She is very mexican/mexican with a Catholic background and has a lot of guilt, and has expressed a lot of guilt about the way she was treating me in the past.

As for me what I wrote about her being a messenger is true to me. A messenger of death.  I believe she came into my life to wake me up. My 50th birthday is in 2 days. Frankly I never expected to be in a state of devastation at this point in my life. 
I can only hope that my birthday will be the beginning of a new life for me. Maybe a rise from the pit. 

Because the dream was probably related to my letter if I send this I may do it sooner rather than later.

At some point I will need to send an apology letter to her sisters because I involved them during my unraveling and did not keep what they said in confidence from the exBPDgf. No doubt that caused some trouble or aggravation for them.

Yes this sucks but better than the alternative I suppose.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I completely agree with SteveATC. It is about you. I personally not send it. I would say a prayer for her and focus on you. You close the door. I don't think you owe her an apology as you both were in the relationship and it sounds like you are two sides of the same coin with the exception you are willing to learn about your issues and try and grow from them.

The only apology you may owe is to yourself...