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Author Topic: Ex's birthday today - nine weeks nc that I dont want to break  (Read 477 times)
John70
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« on: December 15, 2012, 03:31:27 AM »

I know it's a no-brainer, but I need to hear it - it's the ex's birthday today and we're nine weeks nc. I shouldn't text her to wish her a happy birthday should I? She broke nc on Thurs and I didn't respond. Help please guys, as I'm worried I'll wobble even though I know I have to stay strong and keep my boundary in order to heal and move on. Thanks, and sorry for needing a crutch today...
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Surnia
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« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2012, 03:42:17 AM »

Hi John

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She broke nc on Thurs and I didn't respond.
No, it doesn't make sense to break this for her birthday. Stick with your boundaries.

You can send her a wish mentally when you feel like this and than continue with your daily life.

Surnia
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John70
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« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2012, 03:52:28 AM »

Thanks Surnia. I just need to think of her last two - for each one I hoped the next would see us in a better place. They didn't. Today is going to be a sad one for me but I must keep to my boundary to stay on my path. Contact will set me back, will weaken me, will start the dance again.
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Newton
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« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2012, 04:40:24 AM »

Knowing what you shouldn't do...and not actually doing it are two very different things... tongue

I appreciate the conflict you are feeling!... Man hug

If you find yourself pressing the buttons on your phone composing a txt to her ...stop...read back your words in this thread out loud (in private or people will think YOU are the crazy one  wink )

You know how things will play out if you txt her...so txting her is YOU hurting YOURSELF  shocked

ps/ no need to apologise for needing a crutch today...it's a triggering day for you...and the fact you posted here rather than txting her shows healing and progress!  Doing the right thing
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
John70
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« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2012, 05:04:57 AM »

Thank you Newton. I guess such days are triggering since they represent shattered dreams and hopes. I reread all of my threads last night as it happens. Keeping on the straight and narrow. Anyway, how I can I wish happy birthday to someone who is really only a fantasy? I'll give myself the present of peace of mind 
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ConfusedMichael
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« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2012, 08:04:01 AM »

For what it's worth John, I found that resisting the temptation to speak to my ex on her birthday was something of a turning point for me.  I broke off contact with her back in January to give myself space to process our breakup, and although I have tried to reconnect (maybe 4-5 times) since April I have still heard nothing from her since the start of the year.  The last time I sent her a message was the start of September, and when her birthday arrived in October it was a huge strain to force myself not to send another message to her.  After I got past that though I have found it easier.  Not to say that it isn't still hard at times, but it's not as bad as it was.

I hope if you can achieve this little victory for yourself you will find a bit of extra peace as well.

All the best,

Michael
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myself
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« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2012, 10:59:44 AM »

I know I have to stay strong and keep my boundary in order to heal and move on.

I must keep to my boundary to stay on my path. Contact will set me back, will weaken me, will start the dance again.

I've been there, too. One year we'd been broken up, I wrote her on her birthday, no response. It hurt. Next year, we were broken up (she broke us up a lot around holidays and birthdays), I didn't contact her. It hurt. This time around, being NC, I will not contact her again, and it'll hurt some but not as much. The difference is I'm moving on, facing this is how it is, and staying NC. From the quotes above, sounds like you already know your answer. Sorry that it hurts, but for your own good, it's best this way.

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redfeather
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« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2012, 11:59:09 AM »

 Welcome!
Then Dont Break It!
 No Contact is for you and for you alone..It is a space we create alone and together with understanding people like you find here and perhaps a very good therapist who understands the machinations of BPD.
It is not punitive towards the expwBPD but a recognition of our coming to understand we must heal ourselves and jump off this  emotionally destructive rollercoaster ride.
At first that NC feels incredibly uncomfortable especially if we are invested in the role of rescuer/knight in shining armour/Glenda the Good Witch etc...
My advice would be fill your time with activities/friends/family whereby you can start to heal yourself and move on.
 Now lets address that moving on part..
It hurts very much especially in first 3-6 months to walk away from someone you have poured so much of your heart and soul into. But to remain No Contact again is not punitive but designed to heal you and me.
Which it did for me.
Once I realized what type of personality I was dealing with I knew what to do even though it hurt...I had to cut bait and run.
Her college graduation came and went and I silently wished her well..ditto her birthday this year also Christmas is coming up always one of my favorite holidays so the attendant memories from last year's spent with her are very strong.
I could make many excuses to contact her but what would be my true motivation? She cannot give me closure..she doesnt care she hurt me, she is not interested in me as a human as shown by her actions not her cheap words.
No Contact in the first 3-12 months is very important to you. It removes the emotion from the situation and you can see the person for who they are (which for the most part is whoever they are mirroring at that point in time)
So No Contact while painful at first lets us go from fairy tale back to real life.
  Empathy
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vegasbaby
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« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2012, 01:52:25 PM »

its tempting but so is junk food and we all know how bad that is for us smiley keep string. ul kick urself if u make the big gesture only to get a kick in the balls in return.
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John70
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« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2012, 03:07:07 PM »

Well guys, it's 8:40pm - had a good day putting up Christmas decorations and having lots of fun with my lovely little 6 year old daughter  cheesy Just put her to bed and I'm on the sofa feeling well... bloomin' proud of myself! I didn't contact her Doing the right thing Instead, I remembered all the birthdays (hers and mine) that went horribly wrong (mine in July saw me (and I mean literally) on my knees, crying, banging my head on her wall because she locked me in her flat when I said I was leaving because I couldn't take any more of it, any more of her).

A real, heartfelt thanks to everyone who shone a light and showed me the right way to go today - in fact, every day since the summer!

ul kick urself if u make the big gesture


I would have hated myself VB - I've did enough of that in the "relationship"!

It hurts very much especially in first 3-6 months to walk away from someone you have poured so much of your heart and soul into. But to remain No Contact again is not punitive but designed to heal


The odd thing RF is that by not contacting I started to feel punitive but then I focussed on why I was keeping NC. To move, to heal, to distance. For me, not her.

I could make many excuses to contact her but what would be my true motivation? She cannot give me closure..she doesnt care she hurt me, she is not interested in me as a human as shown by her actions not her cheap words.
No Contact in the first 3-12 months is very important to you. It removes the emotion from the situation and you can see the person for who they are (which for the most part is whoever they are mirroring at that point in time)
So No Contact while painful at first lets us go from fairy tale back to real life.
  Empathy


I think my motivation was because it felt a little like I was punishing her even though I know NC is for me. It's also hard letting go of that fairy tale you describe - but it's receding back along its yellow brick road and back to its Wizard behind the mirroring curtain. Sorry if that metaphor is a bit mixed  cheesy

Sorry that it hurts, but for your own good, it's best this way.


Thanks myself - I think I was scared that I'd crumble. Short-term hurt vs more of the agony of the last 2.5 years isn't too hard to work out. Well, rationally it isn't but it's about training my emotional mind to get it too.

For what it's worth John, I found that resisting the temptation to speak to my ex on her birthday was something of a turning point for me.


Michael - I feel that turning point too. I know I haven't finished with it all yet and much work remains to do on me but I'm really not trying to understand my ex any longer. I'm understanding me, or trying to.

I wonder (though not that much since I spent so much time wondering re her motivations) whether she broke 2 months of NC 2 days before her birthday to somehow encourage contact on her birthday. To see if I still felt for her, to see if I would validate her. Well, I'll never know. What's important is that I didn't break contact (have I said that already?  cheesy ) but rather thought about me and why I wanted to. I felt some residual FOG there guys - fearful I'd feel bad and that I'd hurt her, obliged because of the depth and sincerity of the feelings for her that I'd expressed and guilt that I didn't/couldn't stay the course as I promised, as I tried.

I feel relatively peaceful. Immeasurably so when compared to how I'd been feeling since the day we met...

Thanks to you all - you gave me the best   ever!
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Mupetto
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« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2012, 06:51:51 PM »

I share your dilemma. It’s my BPD wife (of four years) birthday tomorrow. I have been NC for a week. I know how much she wants me to fuss over her on “her special day”. I also am tempted to call because I know how much it will hurt her if I don’t. But then I think how much trouble I will be in for going NC. I am also remembering how most of our special occasions have been sabotaged (always be me of course). If I did call it would make me feel good because I actually do care still and it’s obviously the right thing to do for someone you still care about.  So my intentions would be honourable and as I am I pressing the go button I would feel good. But I have very clear picture of how the call would end. My feeling, like I have on so many occasions, confused and disoriented. My self esteem will take another blow and she would feel victorious (about what I have no idea – I just wanted to say happy birthday).  I am also very mindful that I am damaged and I need to care for myself right now. If I did make contact I will only be further damaged. Having said all that I know I will feel bad throughout the day for not wishing her a happy birthday.

Very difficult stuff. 
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Hope 4 a better day
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« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2012, 10:07:30 PM »

I recently passed my x's Birthday as well. I was tempted to reach out but I did not and I am so relieved that I stayed N/C. The next one is Christmas she loved Xmas and we had a good time during the past (no problems) I guess she would split in the right direction as long as she got everything she wanted and it was all about her. If you are done stick with N/C it works getting better every day at least it has for me and I do not want to start this all over again
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Surnia
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« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2012, 12:10:19 AM »

had a good day putting up Christmas decorations and having lots of fun with my lovely little 6 year old daughter  cheesy

Quote
I feel relatively peaceful. Immeasurably so when compared to how I'd been feeling since the day we met...

Great, John,  Doing the right thing
This is the path toward healing. Doing simple things and having good feelings with other persons and with yourself. Doing so we can rewire our brains and overcome the unhealthy rs.

I am really happy for you.  cheesy 

Surnia
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vegasbaby
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« Reply #13 on: December 16, 2012, 04:16:51 AM »

well done john70 its tough but u stood ur ground on nc. keep reminding urself who made all the big gestures itl make u stronger and remind u to put u first as im sure ur BPD never did and never will.  save ur gestures for someone worthy of ur kindness and thoughtfulness smiley
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John70
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« Reply #14 on: December 16, 2012, 05:54:00 AM »

Quote from: Surnia link=topic=190217.msg12167818#msg12167818

I am really happy for you.  cheesy 

Surnia
[/quote
Thank you, I'm pleased for me too!

... put u first as im sure ur BPD never did and never will.  save ur gestures for someone worthy of ur kindness and thoughtfulness smiley

Thanks VB, I never wanted to be put first as such, I knew all the words would never be realised in actions, but I did need a semblance of thoughtfulness, respect, emotional unambiguity. Chose the wrong person for that then...

Hope today brings everyone some acceptance and change...  love
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chuckstrong
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« Reply #15 on: December 16, 2012, 08:41:48 AM »

John

Way to go my man. Had to be hard. I don't face it till may 7
Hope I'm as strong as you. You have done so much here. I
hate to say it this way but she didn't deserve a HB from you.
Knowing that in general they don't deserve us at all makes it
all that more important that we do things for us now. It's our
turn. So you staying NC on her birthday was for you. Keep your
power and self respect. They have taken so much from us. We
need to reclaim it back one day at a time. As my friend Jaime
told me you need to one day at a time build a wall that this crazy
b**** can never climb. You are on your way. I am proud of myself
too today . I made it NC on a non kid Saturday without having any
idea what she was doing or who with for the first time since we met
14 months ago. Went out with friends had a few and went home solo
and resisted the temptation to do a driveby. Did that for me. I'm
to realize finally she doesn't deserve my brand of love and like a well with no bottom
will never ever be able to accept it anyway. So I'll stay NC today for me. And
that's what you did yesterday. Way to go man. You deserve better.


Chuck
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John70
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« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2012, 11:22:13 AM »

Hey Chuck, thanks a lot  Doing the right thing Really glad you've had a positive day too - I recall when I first read your posts. You've come a long way too, and well done for today - kudos to you for that. Going to take a leaf out of your book and a have a couple of pints in my local as I've just dropped my little girl back to her mum's so a little treat is in order. I'll raise a silent toast to you and to everyone here. Cheers  grin
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