Well guys, it's 8:40pm - had a good day putting up Christmas decorations and having lots of fun with my lovely little 6 year old daughter
Just put her to bed and I'm on the sofa feeling well... bloomin' proud
of myself! I didn't contact her
Instead, I remembered all the birthdays (hers and mine) that went horribly wrong (mine in July saw me (and I mean literally) on my knees, crying, banging my head on her wall because she locked me in her flat when I said I was leaving because I couldn't take any more of it, any more of her
A real, heartfelt thanks to everyone who shone a light and showed me the right way to go today - in fact, every day since the summer!
ul kick urself if u make the big gesture
I would have hated
myself VB - I've did enough of that in the "relationship"!
It hurts very much especially in first 3-6 months to walk away from someone you have poured so much of your heart and soul into. But to remain No Contact again is not punitive but designed to heal
The odd thing RF is that by not contacting I started to feel punitive but then I focussed on why I was keeping NC. To move, to heal, to distance. For me, not her.
I could make many excuses to contact her but what would be my true motivation? She cannot give me closure..she doesnt care she hurt me, she is not interested in me as a human as shown by her actions not her cheap words.
No Contact in the first 3-12 months is very important to you. It removes the emotion from the situation and you can see the person for who they are (which for the most part is whoever they are mirroring at that point in time)
So No Contact while painful at first lets us go from fairy tale back to real life.
I think my motivation was because it felt a little like I was punishing her even though I know NC is for me. It's also hard letting go of that fairy tale you describe - but it's receding back along its yellow brick road and back to its Wizard behind the mirroring curtain. Sorry if that metaphor is a bit mixed
Sorry that it hurts, but for your own good, it's best this way.
Thanks myself - I think I was scared that I'd crumble. Short-term hurt vs more of the agony of the last 2.5 years isn't too hard to work out. Well, rationally it isn't but it's about training my emotional mind to get it too.
For what it's worth John, I found that resisting the temptation to speak to my ex on her birthday was something of a turning point for me.
Michael - I feel that turning point too. I know I haven't finished with it all yet and much work remains to do on me but I'm really not trying to understand my ex any longer. I'm understanding me, or trying to.
I wonder (though not that much since I spent so much time wondering re her motivations) whether she broke 2 months of NC 2 days before her birthday to somehow encourage contact on her birthday. To see if I still felt for her, to see if I would validate her. Well, I'll never know. What's important is that I didn't break contact (have I said that already?
) but rather thought about me and why I wanted to. I felt some residual FOG there guys - fearful I'd feel bad and that I'd hurt her, obliged because of the depth and sincerity of the feelings for her that I'd expressed and guilt that I didn't/couldn't stay the course as I promised, as I tried.
I feel relatively peaceful. Immeasurably so when compared to how I'd been feeling since the day we met...
Thanks to you all - you gave me the best ever!