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Author Topic: A very touchy subject for most  (Read 3138 times)
tryingtogetit
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« Reply #30 on: January 02, 2013, 04:57:53 PM »

charred, downandin

That must be so common amongst nons!

of course you don't want to be close to someone who belittles and abuses, let alone have sex with them!

It just proves you are a sensitive person whose body is in touch with your feelings.

Try not to let the remarks get to you. They are just a viscious attempt to power. Don't give that power by taking it serious or dwelling on it.

Instead work on your confidence and self-respect. Focus on what you feel good about. It will come back.

The tricky thing is to dare to get close to the BPD again. But once you learn not to believe what the BPD says about you, they become a whole lot less threatening!
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charred
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« Reply #31 on: January 02, 2013, 05:14:35 PM »

I know my exBPDgf was lashing out at me by belittling me, not sure what she was upset about. I can see clearly that a lot of the issues we have been discussing in this thread, are related to egoic objectifying instead of genuine sex relations. The description of a BPD person having to act like they have feelings as sex is just sex... .  concerns me, as it rings true from my r/s. I have wanted to withdrawl from my wife (back when I had one)... and was still wanting to do my thing... but the reason was clear... I was resentful for actions she took (charge cards taken out and maxed out I didn't know about... when I found out it pissed me off, not good with finding out I was responsible for twice the card debt I knew of.) That incident stopped regular sex between us... but until then it had been of the genuine variety, and the 20+ yrs we had been together ... well we both valued companionship more than sex, but it was all genuine/nice. The BPD sex was wildly different, it was tense, and objectified, and more like pornstar actions than normal genuine ones. Of course it was quite pleasant, and I had been infatuated with the pwBPD for years... .  but it still left you with an uneasy feeling... once the good ones subsided.

I just ordered 4 attachment theory books on amazon, going to delve more in to this stuff, I know my exgf is BPD, but I strongly suspect I have some attachment issues that make it hard to get close to people and stay genuine and I am hoping to learn something from them, one is supposed to be about rewiring yourself for better attachment results... .  hope something to it, a T gets pricey, but DIY rewiring sounds like something that may turn out to require the right professional.

Great topic... very interesting
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Oneneatguy
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« Reply #32 on: January 02, 2013, 05:56:39 PM »

Very interesting topic.  I've read many articles on BPD and symptoms.  Two that I didn't see in my ex were the reckless sex and cutting behaviour.  This made me question for a long time whether she was truly borderline as she was never diagnosed as such.  However after much reading, I think there are so many different symptoms and manisfestations that each pwBPD is different.

Do most or did your partners exhibit cutting behaviour?

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charred
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« Reply #33 on: January 02, 2013, 08:13:06 PM »

Seems like the high functioning ones typically don't cut, the lower functioning do... from what I have read. My exBPDgf didn't cut her self as far as I know. Although she had mastectomies... with nothing wrong... so that is kind of the same thing... by proxy I guess. It was from fear of breast cancer.
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Oneneatguy
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« Reply #34 on: January 02, 2013, 08:20:37 PM »

How about other symptoms like

Heebie Jeebies (somatic hallucinations) and skin picking, I have read these are common. 

I think I will start a new thread on this.
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almost789
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« Reply #35 on: January 02, 2013, 08:30:20 PM »

Mine didnt cut or rage out. He was a silent or inward acting BPD. He didnt do any of that strange stuff... like picking. You wouldnt even know he was BPD until... .  u get in a close relationship. He was a manager and wore suits everyday to work and was really good looking.

Angel... .  u are not crazy! Dont believe the lie! If anything hez crazy for expecting u to be ok with this. If your happy otherwise and can tolerate then stay many do. But dont lose yourself and if this starts to happen, take care of you.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #36 on: January 03, 2013, 12:45:57 PM »

Mine has cut when he was a teenager as well as other painfully obvious attempts at self harm.

As for the sex thing, Reading through these posts makes a light bulb come on for me. Not only about my own issues but his too. When we first started dating we were madly in love, I am very self conscious about a deformity that I have and when I first met my husband he pretty much made me feel wonderful about myself. We also went at it like animals in the bedroom. I was still self consious though and loved to please him only because I felt like I was less than what anyone would want. When things started comming out about his past I found out he was pretty much a male whore from the age of 13. He has a pretty high sex drive still and I think I confuse sex with love or his approval of me pleasing him as love. It's something I still do to this day. I honestly don't know if I am an object to him or if he actually feels a loving attachment to me. I do know he sees wemon as objects, especially if he doesn't know them. I have never doubted his faithfulness to me though. I noticed he liked porn a lot and at one point it really pissed me off because he was hiding it from me. The more I fought it, it seemed like the more he would fight to keep it. Eventually I gave up and just said, don't keep things from me. It hasn't been a problem ever since. I think in a way the only reason we are still together is because our sexual relationship is still working for the both of us. I get what I need and he gets what he needs. It makes me feel messed up though, I have a need to please in all aspects of my life and he just takes more often than not in all aspects of his life. It makes for a very one sided relationship and somehow I have become OK with it. It makes me not trust my own desicions because I did decide to be in this type of relationship and I feel like anyone in this kind of relationship has to be pretty screwed up to stay in it. Wow.
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an0ught
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« Reply #37 on: January 03, 2013, 01:04:51 PM »

Hi Cloudy Days,

Mine has cut when he was a teenager as well as other painfully obvious attempts at self harm.

As for the sex thing, Reading through these posts makes a light bulb come on for me. Not only about my own issues but his too. When we first started dating we were madly in love, I am very self conscious about a deformity that I have and when I first met my husband he pretty much made me feel wonderful about myself. We also went at it like animals in the bedroom. I was still self consious though and loved to please him only because I felt like I was less than what anyone would want. When things started comming out about his past I found out he was pretty much a male whore from the age of 13. He has a pretty high sex drive still and I think I confuse sex with love or his approval of me pleasing him as love. It's something I still do to this day. I honestly don't know if I am an object to him or if he actually feels a loving attachment to me. I do know he sees wemon as objects, especially if he doesn't know them. I have never doubted his faithfulness to me though. I noticed he liked porn a lot and at one point it really pissed me off because he was hiding it from me. The more I fought it, it seemed like the more he would fight to keep it. Eventually I gave up and just said, don't keep things from me. It hasn't been a problem ever since.

Judging him hard did not help anyone... .  

I think in a way the only reason we are still together is because our sexual relationship is still working for the both of us. I get what I need and he gets what he needs. It makes me feel messed up though, I have a need to please in all aspects of my life and he just takes more often than not in all aspects of his life. It makes for a very one sided relationship and somehow I have become OK with it. It makes me not trust my own desicions because I did decide to be in this type of relationship and I feel like anyone in this kind of relationship has to be pretty screwed up to stay in it. Wow.

... .  judging yourself hard is helping you?
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almost789
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« Reply #38 on: January 03, 2013, 01:14:21 PM »

the only reason we are still together is because our sexual relationship is still working for the both of us. I get what I need and he gets what he needs.

then there's not a serious issue there... .  the serious issues arise when one or both feels as if they aren't getting what they need 
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charred
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« Reply #39 on: January 03, 2013, 01:16:18 PM »

Mine has cut when he was a teenager as well as other painfully obvious attempts at self harm.

As for the sex thing, Reading through these posts makes a light bulb come on for me. Not only about my own issues but his too. When we first started dating we were madly in love, I am very self conscious about a deformity that I have and when I first met my husband he pretty much made me feel wonderful about myself. We also went at it like animals in the bedroom. I was still self consious though and loved to please him only because I felt like I was less than what anyone would want. When things started comming out about his past I found out he was pretty much a male whore from the age of 13. He has a pretty high sex drive still and I think I confuse sex with love or his approval of me pleasing him as love. It's something I still do to this day. I honestly don't know if I am an object to him or if he actually feels a loving attachment to me. I do know he sees wemon as objects, especially if he doesn't know them. I have never doubted his faithfulness to me though. I noticed he liked porn a lot and at one point it really pissed me off because he was hiding it from me. The more I fought it, it seemed like the more he would fight to keep it. Eventually I gave up and just said, don't keep things from me. It hasn't been a problem ever since. I think in a way the only reason we are still together is because our sexual relationship is still working for the both of us. I get what I need and he gets what he needs. It makes me feel messed up though, I have a need to please in all aspects of my life and he just takes more often than not in all aspects of his life. It makes for a very one sided relationship and somehow I have become OK with it. It makes me not trust my own desicions because I did decide to be in this type of relationship and I feel like anyone in this kind of relationship has to be pretty screwed up to stay in it. Wow.

Sounds like complimentary neediness is central to your relationship. The people pleaser type is often the choice of NPD/BPD... more inclined to think its their fault and take abuse I think. For a long time I would have gladly been in a totally jacked up r/s if it meant I could be with my pwBPD... as I thought I was smitten. Have been seeing a T and have about come to the conclusion it was deeper than the typical BPD stuff. My mom's mother died when she was 5 and she is not a very warm/loving person, like when I was a kid one of our family pets died, a cat, and one day I opened the freezer and it was in it frozen... .  was horrified, and asked my mom why, and she was going to dissect it for a class she was taking. So... back to the pwBPD... I tend to keep some distance from most people and most people respect it, but my pwBPD just powered right past my defenses, then her style of mirroring/loving was very much like being mothered/smothered with love and I ate it up. It probably was what I was missing from way back... .  at the time I didn't see it that way, as my pwBPD was a 20 yr old bouncy, cute sexy blonde... and mom was farthest thing from my mind. However having revisited the pwBPD and been in a r/s with her again... that love bombing, total attention to me, positive feedback idealization phase... .  really hit a core need with me. First go round she dumped me and it was the most devastating time in my life... and I was mystified why it would matter so much, as I had dated around and had many other breakups, but none had that effect on me.

Just saw my T this morning and talked about all this and he thought it may well have been attachment issues as well as trauma (ptsd)... from various negative episodes and plans on doing EMDR for it... so from all this bad experience with a pwBPD, and introspection, I have a possible direction to possibly get better at lowering that wall I put up to keep people back.

This is all hard though, the sex part as well, I went from 2 women (now exwife and exBPDgf) fighting over me and wanting sex/sex/sex... .  to being single, dating a little, but actively avoiding getting in to a sexual relationship for the wrong reasons... and then getting taunted by the exBPDgf and her new BF... .  at the moment sucks to be me. Hopefully the T will help and it will be worth it one day.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2013, 01:47:48 PM »

Wow, the cat thing would have messed with me a long time. I always got very attached to our pets. In fact I had a similar expeirience with a Rabbit that I found in the trash when I was 5, however it was killed by our family dog and they tried to keep me from knowing about it, and told me it ran away, it was dumb luck that I seen it. So it's not comparable in the least. I know I need to see a therapist though, it would help me figure things out. At the moment it's pretty much a nonexsitant option because of money. I don't even understand why I am the way I am. My parents were very loving to me, they had problems in their own relationship but I didn't know about it until I was in my late teens and then I knew more than I wanted to know. It was pretty much heart breaking. I think the Deformity thing gave me a huge complex even though it's not even visible and the only person that would ever need to know about it would be my parter, I also found out about it in my late teens. I had really crappy freinds growing up though, From the age of seven I always struggled with keeping a decent freind, little girls are backstabbing and mean and they don't change much the more they grow. Any decent freind I got ended up moving away. So I was stuck with my freinds who liked to play mind games with me. This is why I think I am the way I am. They would litterally invite me to a Birthday party or sleepover, something like that and then uninvite me a day or two before and still have everyone else come. What amazes me is that it wasn't just one freind it was sevral that treated me badly. Very two faced, just like my husband, except I know why he does it now.
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charred
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« Reply #41 on: January 03, 2013, 03:16:52 PM »

Losing friends is what I see as the key issue I have now. Today talked to T about it and realized that it is from old trauma. When I was 4 my folks moved and I lost my friends, when I was 10 we moved from a small town where I knew everyone, and I lost all my friends, started over in a small town for 6th grade... where everyone knew everyone, and I got picked on, then folks divorced, and at 14 I moved in with my dad... except he didn't live in the apartment I thought he lived in... he lived with his girlfriend, so I lived in the apartment, and started over once again leaving my friends behind. Then a few years later, graduated high school... and left friends again to go to college, then met my exBPDgf, and was dumped and left business/friends/family... and once again started over. Married, had kid, was settling down with friends finally and my wife quit her job and I took a road warrior one... where I go in make friends, solve problems... and leave and never see the people again. It is like I got stuck in a loop of losing all my friends... .  now I am 50, and have interacted with tons of people ... .  and have no close friends. I put up a wall and keep them like good business associates... friendly, but not to close.

I would have said (before getting on these boards) that I didn't have many issues... .  but the things I have written (all true)... are pretty horrible and I think my issues come down to pushing people away and having a void that my exBPDgf exploited to really hurt me. I forgive most things and have been successful in my work, and had a pretty full life with my wife/daughter... .  but lost the family in divorce and am sorting through the rubble now.

Seems like most our problems come from lack of good parenting/proper development of kids... .  and those kids growing up and making more disordered ones, until we have life as we know it. Wonder if it is that simple.
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