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Author Topic: Furious with AA for their treatment of mental health and my ex  (Read 910 times)
stoic83
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« on: February 02, 2013, 05:00:26 PM »

Hey all,

My exwBPD relapsed at my house and then painted me black and everyone around her blamed me due to her smear tactics. I wrote her sponsor and shamed her for pushing down my ex's psych systems and said that she needs therapy and that for someone with her type of issues the shame of AA and relapse can kill them!

All these talks of suicide and incest and threats towards me and physical abuse...   Yeah she might have been "sober" but who could abstain from self-medicating if they are suffering from an untreated mental illness?

I am disgusted and feel like my ex got cheated by the system...   and in turn I had to take the blame for her shameless behavior and relapse. I'm very angry at how my ex and others are being treated by this organization. It's just another addiction/obsession for my ex to medicate herself with and take her mind of her core problem which is not addiction, its her lack of impulse control due to having a treatable mental disorder. plus all the NPD and aspd men there...   she is a sitting duck. Luckily I think she is hanging with this older woman now(that she showered with at my house behind my back)...   she told me she is afraid this woman wants to use her for her inheritance (her dad just died). In any case, im 30 days out and counting...  

Feeling some anger right now and don't get out of the house at all! Gotta love this feeling!

 barfy

Stoic
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« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2013, 06:52:39 PM »

Why is your ex spending time at your house? Is this in your best interest?
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stoic83
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« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2013, 07:08:08 PM »

Why is your ex spending time at your house? Is this in your best interest?

I kicked her out at the end of december..after she got out of chemical detox. I tried to do it in as nice a way as possible due to the fact her dad just died and was painting me black and Im sure is in a lot of pain. She was extremely abusive/manipulative/neglectful to me in the two months she was here (well after a 2-3 week honeymoon period) ...   (i finally agreed to live with her after four years and multiple requests on her part, her fathers death through me in to a heavy FOG where I felt I was responsible for her getting through this).

I figured she was 15 months sober, and I was worried she was going to attempt suicide during the grief process for her dad (NPD? ASPD? BPD? and molested or r**** her and/or her sister?)

In any case, I have been NC for about 30 days and this is it for me...  

Enough is enough...   but I feel that AA was holding her back from therapy and/or medication and that makes me angry.

She is still my exgfwBPD but I do not have nor desire to have contact with her and am done, finito, accepting of the fact that she is disordered and not going to recover from BPD whilst in aa and focusing on what they want her to focus on for her sobriety.

AA teaches her to be a phony, evangelical christian, and encourages her to hang out with other societal degenerates who are trying to get better...   but let's face it there are a lot of untreated mentally ill people in aa, i am sure there are also people who are doing AA and getting treatment for mental illness, but that is not what happened with my exgfwBPD.

If anything my relationship with a mentally ill woman has left me disgusted with the current system in place. She isn't going to listen to me...   i'm a man and was her lover...   so I told her sponsor what the chemical detox told me..that she needs CBT/DBT/ and emotional trauma hypnosis therapy to process her traumas...   pushing it down and going to AA meetings is not going to cut it.

in any case, in detaching from her...   I am sharing what was a major cause in my side of the broken relationship...   that I became negative towards AA, which was helping her to lead a better life...   but not helping her to get treatment for her mental illness that is denied and pushed down in aa

In the meantime I am putting up with all of this crap, because the people who were supposed to be helping her...   are aarogant aa-nazis who think that psychology is "bad" and that "the big book" is the only way.

Is there anyone else out there who has struggled with AA teaching an exwBPD to push down their symptoms to conform to AA? That AA's rigidity and abandonment of anyone who "falls off the wagon" could cause someone wBPD to have abandonment rage and hurt themselves or someone else?

I might just be projecting, but I am pissed off at her sponsor and family for not pushing her to get some serious treatment...   but maybe she hid her most serious symptoms from everyone else.

I don't know...  

best,

Stoic
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« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2013, 09:01:56 PM »

Where is her responsibility for her own well being in your story? Doesn't AA have enough on its plate?
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stoic83
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« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2013, 09:20:05 PM »

Someone with her condition isn't necessarily capable of making competent decisions for themselves, especially when having their sponsor tell them to push down "her symptoms and pretend like they aren't there." I understand what you are saying, but it seems that her sister isn't being treated for her bipolar disorder either. My exwBPD is impressionable, mirrors others, and should probably be in a controlled environment. I see her being extremely vulnerable to control and to making emotional decisions based on the validation of others. I also see her family being toxic and abusive towards her, and it seems that her particular group in AA has encouraged her to become closer with her family..which I see as a major problem in this particular instance. In any case, I think she has learned helplessness and is at the mercy of a program that discourages "labeling"...   etc...   etc. My exgfwBPD is convinced that religion and a higher power is going to solve all of her problems...   it's disturbing, but not my problem anymore...   in any case, it's what i take away from the situation. That AA helps her gain some introspection and complete the 12 steps and engage in group therapy...   but knowing my ex wBPD fully well she can totally "fake" her way through that and needs personalized attention. I was surprised that she was not seriously encouraged to be in treatment for her psychological symptoms which must have been witnessed more or less by these other people. She was convinced that she was just an addict...   it was only during moments of clarity that she discussed the fact that mental illness ran in her family, and usually some time after her periods of "sharing" she would rage at me for having this knowledge. Her dad (whom I strongly believe sexually abused her) and her sister all went to the same AA group. I don't understand how anyone can be fully honest in front of their family when they have been abusive and neglectful...   i understand that I'm looking to blame something else besides my ex for the rs disintegrating...   but I am also concerned about the lack of awareness and the stigma about mental illness. I have become passionate about this issue after seeing how much pain both my exwBPD and I have endured, and it is hard to blame somebody who is disabled...   even when they need to be accountable for their actions.

I bought her several books on BPD a long time ago before I was aware that it might be wrong of me to diagnose her or tell her i suspect mental illness. (i think i was 24 or 25 at the time). In any case, she seemed to agree with the diagnosis to some extent...   but i don't think she was ever diagnosed with BPD for insurance purposes.

Anyways, now she inherited a lot of money and hopefully she goes and receives some therapy.

Eventhough I am out of this rs, and know I can not be with her...   I do love her and hope that she finds a better path than the one she was on when we ended our toxic and dysfunctional relationship and stops going back to toxic advisers for reassurance, which is clearly something I suffer from myself...   repeating this relationship several times!

Best

Stoic
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« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2013, 07:45:30 AM »

Where is her responsibility for her own well being in your story? Doesn't AA have enough on its plate?

THIS.

I am a member of Al Anon, the group for those who have an alcoholic family member. In BOTH groups, there is a saying about the Three C's: "I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, I can't CURE it."

The sponsor or AA didn't "cause" the relapse, nor can they control it...   EVER.


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stoic83
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« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2013, 09:48:52 AM »

Where is her responsibility for her own well being in your story? Doesn't AA have enough on its plate?

THIS.

I am a member of Al Anon, the group for those who have an alcoholic family member. In BOTH groups, there is a saying about the Three C's: "I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, I can't CURE it."

The sponsor or AA didn't "cause" the relapse, nor can they control it...   EVER.


Okay...   I have been to al anon before and I found it to be helpful. I'm not trying to say that her sponsor or family caused the relapse...  
I am trying to say that AA doesn't deal with mental illness...   you see my exgfwBPD doesn't think about her mental issues. She thinks she's just an alcoholic or an addict...   in fact her sponsor tried to tell her and her sister that they were alcoholics and addicts when they were little because they had a very shame-based mentality.

Im pretty sure this isn't because my exgfwBPD was an alcoholic when she was 5 years old and scribbled outside the lines...  

During moments of clarity my exwBPD knew she was suffering from a lot more than just alcohlolism and addiction...   but it became convenient for her to use that label...   seeming as she has BPD, identifying and labeling herself as an "alcoholic" seems extremely harmful for someone with this disorder. Seeming as she suffers from a core identity disturbance.

In any case, not my problem any more...   but knowing that my exwBPD is very impressionable I have limited hope for her to find fulfillment through this organization...   and the organization encourages her to only be around other people in the program which I think is terrible for someone who mirrors and looks at all these ex crack heads, people who smoke on their babies heads, people who try to take advantage of her.

Im sorry...   but I view my exwBPD as an extreme version of an adult child, therefore yes...   I am holding AA and her parents accountable. Hopefully my extremely impressionable exwBPD rises above the "cult-like" mentality so that she can receive personalized treatment for her personality disorder and have a hope at living a more fulfilling life, widening her range of emotions...   and exercising left-brain, reasoning capabilities.

Quitting that "stinkin thinkin" seems like a terrible idea for someone wBPD. She needs to use her left brain MORE. She has no impulse control...   not because shes an "addict", because she has a metal illness.

Im completely alone on this one aren't I?

stoic
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« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2013, 09:29:07 PM »

drinking to self medicate is a common problem of people with mental illness. She needs to stay sober if she is going to work on her mental health problems. These things are tough. AA is a resource not a miracle worker.
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BentNotBroken
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« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2013, 09:44:08 PM »

Part of my understanding of BPD is that substance abuse problems are frequent, and it is even one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-IV (Under self-harming behaviors). So, she could be an alcoholic, an addict, and have BPD. One does not exclude the others.

From my understanding of AA, they deal with alcoholism as a singleness of purpose issue. It is not a free mental health emporium. There are resources online where you can get official information on AA, as it seems your understanding of it is rather misinformed.
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2013, 12:47:30 AM »

I hear you, Stoic83, and I totally get it. My dad is a recovering alcoholic. AA helped him get dry, but it seemed to almost hinder him from any other sort of treatment, and i really think he needed it. It's not that "AA" did it, exactly, either. It's that it's a system for one main sort of thing, and it's easily used by people for that thing, but also as an excuse not to delve into their *other* deeper level things, which really require professional (psychologist) guidance.

Dad needed that professional guidance to deal with deep-seated childhood issues -- bipolar father who killed himself when Dad was 7 -- and with a 26-year marriage to my dxBPD mother. The addiction happened because he couldn't cope with either of those things. He had tremendous anxiety due to both of these things. In fact, I'm sure he wound up with Mom because he was emotionally so vulnerable still, and unhealed, when they met as young adults.

What happened is, through AA, he got dry. But he never got sober because he could fool himself into thinking that dry *was* sober. And because he was working the AA system, going to meetings for a good number of years, and never relapsing he could tell himself he was getting all the care he needed. Yes, it's him making these bad decisions, but AA is a great crutch.

I've been NC with him for several years, btw, because I'd finally just had it with his dry but otherwise unchanged, selfish, destructive, narcissistic, unhealed trauma-survivor, addict behaviors.

Peace and continued healing to us,

DogDancer
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