Filing - best way to tell spouse?

[Undertow]

What is the best way to inform BPD spouse that I am filing for divorce? He lives/works in another city and is here only sporadically. I have finally accepted that he is disordered, not just difficult. He refuses to accept his diagnosis (by 2 p-docs) or go to therapy, and I have nothing left to give after many years of trying. We have kids together.

He has already told me he considers himself separated, but that he will not file (?) --- but that I should feel free to file, and that he won't fight divorce.  So this is not going to be a surprise.

I want to be fair and respectful and not exacerbate things. Given the circumstances, would a phone call (perhaps followed by a brief email summarizing conversation, so we are both absolutely clear on what was discussed) be acceptable?  I feel like I am trying to defuse a bomb.  Thank you.

[seeking balance]

Do you have an attorney filing for you or are you filing on your own?

Most of the time, papers must be officially served - if you tell him he is going to be served, I have seen circumstances where pwBPD avoids being served and it is more of a production.

I had mine served by my attorney - it shouldn't have been a suprise based on everything, but it was.  I wish I could say divorcing a pwBPD is simple - but it is not.  Have you read the book Splitting by Bill Eddy?

[birdlady]

Last spring, my uxhBPD-NPD got himself a gf and told me of his intention to divorce. After a night of blame and abuse about 3 weeks later, I retained an atty. About four weeks later I filed and he was served by process server the next day. I endured a 24 hr drunken abuse fest at that time, but it was only verbal.

I was supposed to go quietly, not have a L, and take only the small amount he was willing to give so he could live "happily ever after" with gf. I kept it all under wraps because he was so abusive when I even mentioned a L to even look over what he was drawing up, so he knew nothing about my taking it into my own hands until he was served.

Btw the divorce has been bifurcated, so the settlement drags on. I'm still in the trenches, but have a good L.  This is California and so my legal right are pretty well defined and protected here.

I'm maintaining NC. I have ever since a few weeks after i move out when he sent an outrageous email. Without any explanation or response on my part i simply stopped responding. He emails and writes me. I don't answer, and save and forward copies of his garbage to my L.  His contact is getting less frequent, but he has little impulse control and im still his favorite scapegoat. He's so abusive that maintaining NC is easy on my part.

I've not been let in on the wedding date, but I presume it is soon so hopefully some more of his attention will be focused on my replacement.

Anyway this was supposed to be about filing and serving. Your L will advise you and help you get it done. Let your conscience be your guide if unlike me, you are initiating the divorce out of the blue.  No matter their crazy making, you still have to live with you.

[marbleloser]

IMHO,you shouldn't show your hand until you're ready to put all of your cards on the table. I understand that it feels you need to defuse the bomb.I had that feeling as well. There's no easy way to go about it,and you need to protect YOUR interests. This is difficult for us "fixers". We've grown accustomed to thinking of others feelings before our own. With divorce,you have to learn to be somewhat selfish.There's nothing wrong with having him served,without you announcing it beforehand. He may blow up initially,but he'll get over it. Once the papers are served,cut all contact to text/email,if possible. This way,you're protected from he said/she said kinds of issues.

If you get texts that you think may be needed in court,keep them. You never really know how they'll react,but the fact that you feel you need to defuse him,tells me you know what to expect when/if he's served.

[Matt]

I would suggest that you shift to using mostly e-mail, very short and simple, no emotions, just facts.

That's a lousy way to communicate if you are trying to develop and improve a relationship, but once you have decided to end the relationship, it can keep things simpler, and it leaves a record, so if he is abusive in any way you have a record of that.