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Highly Recommended Book ... One of the main ways we keep ourselves involved in addictive, negative and hurtful relationships is to pretend that this negative present moment isn’t happening. In this book, Margalis Fjelstad, PhD., shows that the only way out of an addictive relationship is to change how we function, what we are willing to put up with, and to develop the courage to make changes.
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Author Topic: (14) My feelings and opinions are unfounded.  (Read 537 times)
asunder


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« on: February 08, 2013, 01:29:33 PM »

From the PDBQ.  This is the statement that really jumped out at me.  In retrospect, I would actually tell my BPDw flat out that her feelings WERE unfounded- as they were often antithetical to objective facts.  So my question is: how is it that they believe their feelings AND believe the titled statement of this post?  To me that is an obvious contradiction that should be simple to comprehend, even for someone with stunted emotional development.
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tuum est61
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tuum est! (latin:it's up to you)


« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2013, 04:25:31 PM »

Hi asunder,

I am not sure which Facts you are referencing. I am guessing it's something on this site. Could you provide additional details?
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
elemental
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« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2013, 10:07:15 AM »

Invalidating BPD will lead to disregulation.
In essence you were denying to her ( in her mind) her right to exist. Because to BPD feelings =reality.

If you want to have her feel like you are on her side, validation works. Validation does not mean that you agree. It just means you understand that she feels the way she does and you are telling her that you do understand and you are empathetic to her.

At some point if you want to stay with her, you will have to radically accept that you are the emotional leader in the relationship. Part of what that means is stepping back so you can be detached from the egoistic response of trying to get her to make you her emotional priority over her own feelings.

It means learning the tools on the staying board. You want this relationship, you no longer have the luxury of arguing and debating and pouting or playing games of walking out the door, disappearing and so on.

It also means that in order to be stable and solid and the emotional leader, you will need to take care of yourself so you have mental, emotional, and physical energy to stay strong and stable yourself.

As time goes on, your BPD will likely also stabilize and your relationship will improve immensely.

You can't allow yourself to think and feel like a victim for long periods of time.

It's really hard. I know. I am struggling with a lot of depression and hopelessness lately. My relationship has improved a lot recently, but I feel left out in the cold and pretty lost. I understand what this tells me is that I need to be better about filling my life up and taking care of my needs more thoroughly.

Just so you know, even when you are able to do things "right" for your BPD, you can have some really hard moments you have to overcome on your own.

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tuum est61
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tuum est! (latin:it's up to you)


« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2013, 10:31:12 AM »

Personality Disorder Beliefs Questionnaire (PDBQ).

The Personality Disorder Beliefs Questionnaire (PDBQ) is a brief self administered test for Personality Disorder tendencies. We have included a list of questions most often answered as "yes" by people with Borderline Personality Disorder .

Questions: http://BPDfamily.com/images/PDBQ.gif

Complete Article: http://BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Original Source: google.com/books?id=nqOBunfGoNgC&pg
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LetItBe
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« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2013, 10:37:30 AM »

Invalidating BPD will lead to disregulation.
In essence you were denying to her ( in her mind) her right to exist. Because to BPD feelings =reality.

This is exactly what happened right before our breakup.  We'd had a really close, connected time together, then he had some anger coming up the next couple of days, I didn't know the tools here, and I reacted defensively while he was taking some space.  I didn't give him the space to process his feelings, AND I invalidated him, telling him it wasn't okay for him to keep getting angry after we'd get close.  OOPS.   Little did I know then! shocked  I've learned a ton from this board since then, we have reunited, he has repeatedly said he notices a big difference in me, and he feels safer in this r/s than he ever did.  Validate, validate, validate.

To (not) answer your question, I'm not sure how they arrive at that contradiction.   huh  I try to put more of my focus on radical acceptance vs. trying to make sense of nonsensical thinking.
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almost789
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« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2013, 11:08:03 AM »

Well for my pwBPD. He know his feelings are unfounded. He does have that capability when given the facts to see that his feelings are not in line with the facts. So, he knows. However, that still doesnt change his feelings. But hez also in denial. Thats why there called borderline. Because they are on the line of the sane and the  psychotic, depending on how dysregulated they are.
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tuum est61
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« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2013, 11:13:47 AM »

asunder - elemental and nongf have explained the situation regarded "unfounded feelings" quite well and we now have a link to the questionnaire you took.

It was certainly a revelation to me when I first got here that "feelings = facts". It took me a while to understand that.  You will really make progress when you can learn how to validate your person with BPD feelings without having to agree with the "facts" that generated them.

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LetItBe
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« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2013, 11:26:41 AM »

In essence you were denying to her ( in her mind) her right to exist.

I meant to validate what you said here.  My uBPDbf said he "felt like he'd gained -- then lost -- my [his] right to exist" in the context of our r/s the first time around.  So, you nailed it.
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almost789
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« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2013, 11:30:13 AM »

Also asunder, the reason their feelings for you arent in line with the facts of the present is because, those bad feelings they have for you today are actually misplaced feelings from their past abuses. Aj mahari explanes this really well. Psycologists refer to this as transference.
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