Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
February 28, 2015, 09:52:07 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Today's Feature: Five Keys to Help You Heal, Whether You Stay in Your Relationship or Leave read more
Administrators: DreamGirl, Mutt, Rapt Reader,
Moderators: EaglesJuJu, Kwamina, livednlearned, Rise, Turkish, Waverider   
Advisors: clljhns, formflier, maxen, NorthernGirl, Ripped Heart, Ziggiddy
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Please Donate Login Register  
bing
Think About It... Defending our boundaries is more than a response in times of conflict - it's a lifestyle. Learn how to get in touch with your values, define and communicate boundaries of those values, and defend against boundary busters. ~ Skip
105
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: (14) My feelings and opinions are unfounded.  (Read 551 times)
asunder


Offline Offline

Posts: 37


« on: February 08, 2013, 01:29:33 PM »

From the PDBQ.  This is the statement that really jumped out at me.  In retrospect, I would actually tell my BPDw flat out that her feelings WERE unfounded- as they were often antithetical to objective facts.  So my question is: how is it that they believe their feelings AND believe the titled statement of this post?  To me that is an obvious contradiction that should be simple to comprehend, even for someone with stunted emotional development.
Logged
tuum est61
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 995


tuum est! (latin:it's up to you)


« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2013, 04:25:31 PM »

Hi asunder,

I am not sure which Facts you are referencing. I am guessing it's something on this site. Could you provide additional details?
Logged
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
elemental
aka "zencat"
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 790


« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2013, 10:07:15 AM »

Invalidating BPD will lead to disregulation.
In essence you were denying to her ( in her mind) her right to exist. Because to BPD feelings =reality.

If you want to have her feel like you are on her side, validation works. Validation does not mean that you agree. It just means you understand that she feels the way she does and you are telling her that you do understand and you are empathetic to her.

At some point if you want to stay with her, you will have to radically accept that you are the emotional leader in the relationship. Part of what that means is stepping back so you can be detached from the egoistic response of trying to get her to make you her emotional priority over her own feelings.

It means learning the tools on the staying board. You want this relationship, you no longer have the luxury of arguing and debating and pouting or playing games of walking out the door, disappearing and so on.

It also means that in order to be stable and solid and the emotional leader, you will need to take care of yourself so you have mental, emotional, and physical energy to stay strong and stable yourself.

As time goes on, your BPD will likely also stabilize and your relationship will improve immensely.

You can't allow yourself to think and feel like a victim for long periods of time.

It's really hard. I know. I am struggling with a lot of depression and hopelessness lately. My relationship has improved a lot recently, but I feel left out in the cold and pretty lost. I understand what this tells me is that I need to be better about filling my life up and taking care of my needs more thoroughly.

Just so you know, even when you are able to do things "right" for your BPD, you can have some really hard moments you have to overcome on your own.

Logged
tuum est61
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 995


tuum est! (latin:it's up to you)


« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2013, 10:31:12 AM »

Personality Disorder Beliefs Questionnaire (PDBQ).

The Personality Disorder Beliefs Questionnaire (PDBQ) is a brief self administered test for Personality Disorder tendencies. We have included a list of questions most often answered as "yes" by people with Borderline Personality Disorder .

Questions: http://BPDfamily.com/images/PDBQ.gif

Complete Article: http://BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Original Source: google.com/books?id=nqOBunfGoNgC&pg
Logged
LetItBe
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 390



« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2013, 10:37:30 AM »

Invalidating BPD will lead to disregulation.
In essence you were denying to her ( in her mind) her right to exist. Because to BPD feelings =reality.

This is exactly what happened right before our breakup.  We'd had a really close, connected time together, then he had some anger coming up the next couple of days, I didn't know the tools here, and I reacted defensively while he was taking some space.  I didn't give him the space to process his feelings, AND I invalidated him, telling him it wasn't okay for him to keep getting angry after we'd get close.  OOPS.   Little did I know then! shocked  I've learned a ton from this board since then, we have reunited, he has repeatedly said he notices a big difference in me, and he feels safer in this r/s than he ever did.  Validate, validate, validate.

To (not) answer your question, I'm not sure how they arrive at that contradiction.   huh  I try to put more of my focus on radical acceptance vs. trying to make sense of nonsensical thinking.
Logged
almost789
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 782


« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2013, 11:08:03 AM »

Well for my pwBPD. He know his feelings are unfounded. He does have that capability when given the facts to see that his feelings are not in line with the facts. So, he knows. However, that still doesnt change his feelings. But hez also in denial. Thats why there called borderline. Because they are on the line of the sane and the  psychotic, depending on how dysregulated they are.
Logged
tuum est61
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 995


tuum est! (latin:it's up to you)


« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2013, 11:13:47 AM »

asunder - elemental and nongf have explained the situation regarded "unfounded feelings" quite well and we now have a link to the questionnaire you took.

It was certainly a revelation to me when I first got here that "feelings = facts". It took me a while to understand that.  You will really make progress when you can learn how to validate your person with BPD feelings without having to agree with the "facts" that generated them.

Logged
LetItBe
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 390



« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2013, 11:26:41 AM »

In essence you were denying to her ( in her mind) her right to exist.

I meant to validate what you said here.  My uBPDbf said he "felt like he'd gained -- then lost -- my [his] right to exist" in the context of our r/s the first time around.  So, you nailed it.
Logged
almost789
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 782


« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2013, 11:30:13 AM »

Also asunder, the reason their feelings for you arent in line with the facts of the present is because, those bad feelings they have for you today are actually misplaced feelings from their past abuses. Aj mahari explanes this really well. Psycologists refer to this as transference.
Logged
2015 Community Sponsors
Keeping BPDFamily on the air
We are all appreciative of the thoughtful men and women who provide the support, education, and brotherhood that keep BPDFamily on the air and make a difference in our lives. To all, thank you for this wonderful resource.

123Phoebe
1989
aeoma
Alex86
All4BVM
antifragile
Aurora7
Aussie JJ
Aussieman
beatup
Being Mindful
BlackandBlue
blissful_camper
bluetooth
bobbyvp
Bookworm77
Boss302
bpdfamfan
captain4464
Carebearx2m
careman
Caresaboutsomeonelikethis
Cat Familiar
catclaw
catnap
caughtnreleased
cehlers55
chooselove
Chosen
chump
claudiaduffy
cleotokos
clydegriffith
Cmjo
ColdEthyl
Conundrum
corraline
coworkerfriend
Cumulus
dar
Dark star
Dire Wolf
doubleAries
draptemp
Dutched
Emelie Emelie
emoinferno
enlighten me
F150
findingmyselfagain
flowerpath
foggydew
ForeverDad
forget-me-not
Free2Bee
freedom33
FreeMeGal
fromheeltoheal
Gagrl
GeekyGirl
gettin-unstuck
goldylamont
Grey Kitty
HappyChappy
HappyNihilist
Harri
HealingSpirit
Heartandsole
heartandwhole
Heshie
hithere
Hope26
hope2727
howcanI?
imataloss
In Pain
Inside
Intent_to_learn
jellibeans
jjclark
Johnjm
joolz29
jthorpejr
JulesC
kaer
kappa
KarenDH
kc sunshine
Keep
KeepOnGoing
kiddfei
kidsteele
kj1234
KQuestionsItAll
Kwamina
landofoz
Leelou
lemon flower
lever
Linda Maria
lipstick
Lmls
Loveofhislife
Lucky One
maid
MammaMia
maric
maxen
mdg2101
Memorial Donation
Memorial Donation
Memorial Donation
Memorial Donation
Memorial Donation
Memorial Donation
Memorial Donation
Memorial Donation
mggt
michel71
Mike76
Mommy108
Mr Hollande
Narellan
NeedHelpPls
NewWays
Nope
NorthernGirl
oblivian2013
outside9x
overcomer
P.F.Change
pallavirajsinghani
Panda39
patientandclear
Patty
picturelady
Pingo
PinkieV
Pou
preciousme
Progress Not Perfection
propunchingbag
qcarolr
qkslvrgirl
Rapt Reader
raytamtay3
Recooperating
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
Rifka
rj47
rollercoaster24
Ross O
sanemom
Scarlet Phoenix
schwing
SCM
seahorse
SES
Should I stay or...
sirius
SistersKeeper
Skip
Soulslider
stargazer3
StayOrLeave15
stupafly
Surnia
swampped
sweetheart
swiftkick
Take2
Theo41
thereishope
Tiepje3
TigerEye
ToLiveAgain
toomanytears
trappedinlove
Turkish
tuum est61
twojaybirds
ugghh
Up In the Air
Vindi
vre
waverider
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
White_Lily
winston72
Witchway
yeeter
zenwexler
Pay it forward Here

If you made a donation and your name does not appear on this list here , please contact us so that we may confirm that the payment was properly credited to BPDFamily.

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Top Spacer
Choosing a path
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.10 | SMF © 2006-2015, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!