I messed up huge... please, please help.

[willy45]

Hi All,

I feel an incredible amount of shame right now and I don't know what to do.

I have been with a woman now for a while. I met her before I broke up with my uBPDex. She is a really great person. I've been trying to extricate myself from my BPD ex for quite some time. About 7 months ago, I had enough and smashed my phone into a million pieces and tried to go NC. I was good about it. I never reached out to my uBPDex. But she would email me all the time. Most times I didn't respond. Sometimes I did. But I fought hard.

Three weeks ago, I went to a conference where my BPDex lives. She knew I was coming into town. I didn't contact her. I didn't call her. But I was worried she might show up at the conference. She called me about 4 or 5 times before I left for the conference and emailed me once I got there. I made a terrible mistake. I emailed her back. I emailed to tell her that I was super booked and didn't have time to meet and that I hoped that she was well. She then emailed me back and I got reeled in with guilt. I agreed to meet with her but I told her that I was only able to go for a walk and she could just tell me what she wanted to tell me. She said she was hungry. I told her to get some food before we met. She said fine. When she showed up, she hadn't eaten and said that she wanted to get some food. So, we did that. And when I asked her what she wanted to talk about, she didn't have an answer. She just wanted to hang out and restart a friendship. I told her I didn't want that. (I told her that very clearly when we were on the phone as well).

Anyhow... .  after she left, I was in a tailspin. I wrote this huge long email about her trying to explain what seeing her made me feel, how much I missed her, and all other kinds of sappy stuff and that seeing her was torture, etc... .  I had the smarts not to send it. I just put my computer to sleep and went to sleep myself. I never sent it. But I never deleted it... .  

The next day, I emailed her that I wanted to see her again. I wanted to talk to her about what her contact was doing for me, I wanted some clarity in terms of what was going on with her. I wanted to know what was going on. It was all so confusing. We met. We hung out. She told me all the amazing things she is doing in her life. A 2 hour monologue about all her successes and her ambitions. By the end, I asked her what was going on. I told her this was torture. I told her to not email me or call me anymore. I had enough. I couldn't be her friend. I didn't want to be her friend. And I left.

Now, this is where the drama actually begins. The woman I have been seeing saw that draft email that I didn't send. She saw all these words about how much I missed my exBPD and all this sappy stuff. When I got home, the woman I was seeing left. She left a note on my table about how I make her sick. Etc... .  I had a complete mental breakdown. Complete. An absolute and complete mental breakdown like I have never experienced. This was three weeks ago.

I feel really alone in my shame. I didn't sleep with my ex. I didn't kiss her. I hardly even hugged her. I tried to stay away. I didn't initiate contact. I told her to leave me alone. I pleaded with her to stop contacting me. I was confused. I got sucked in with guilt. And I got all screwed up when seeing her. The screwed up thing is that when I saw her, I thought she looked like an old lady. I walked past her in the lobby of my hotel because I thought she was an old lady. I walked past her again and still didn't recognize her. The entire time I was with her, I thought she was kind of ugly and when I hugged her, she felt like a completely empty vessel. It was like hugging a large, empty can of Coke. But for some reason, I still got sucked in. I started to idealize her again. Even with all the evidence in front of me that I didn't really even like this person. She made me angry, I felt myself sucking up all the boundaries she crossed and continued to cross. I felt myself bottling up the absolute rage I felt for all the boundaries she was crossing just minutes after I told her not to do something.

And now I am paying the price. Huge. The woman I have been seeing is great. Super kind. Loving. Sweet. Smart. Balanced. A good listener. Cares about me. I care about her. And now I might loose her.

Please help me. I really don't know what to do. I was doing so well before. I was several months NC. I was starting to see the light of day. I was no longer looking through these boards trying to understand my ex. I was getting on top of what my issues were and beginning to tackle them. I was on top of things again. I could see myself being happy again. And now I feel like I am in a massive hole. A bigger hole than I was before after breaking up with my ex. I let her cross my boundaries. I fought. But I lost. I let her do this. And I let her take even more from me.

I am so incredibly wracked with shame, guilt and self-hatred right now. I must be a really screwed up person to have done this and to have let this person into my life and let her take so much from me.

Blarg.

[turtle]

johnnyorganic  

I'm sorry this has happened.  

The truth is, the new woman in your life doesn't have to "understand" this.  The facts were right in front of her and she made a decision based on those facts.  The fact that she left is probably a good indicator that she is an emotionally healthy person.

I know it doesn't seem like it now... .  but actually seeing that is a gift to you.  

I know you feel like you're in a hole, but you really aren't.  Your life needs to move forward without either of these women.  Would it have been better if the healthy one remained?  Maybe... .  but she didn't.  And... .  that might have happened for a number of reasons.  It just so happens that this letter is the reason!

I don't know how many of us fail at the relationship we enter right after the BPD relationship, but I would guess that the number is pretty high.  And to be into another relationship after only 7 months out seems really fast to me (although I AM a turtle, so slow is how I go!)  I'm not saying we should expect these new relationships to fail, but if you really think about it... .  we are very damaged after we come out of such horrific experiences and that 1st relationship after BPD hell bears the brunt of that damage.

Maybe you can talk with the healthy woman and see if there's any way to rectify the situation with her, but if not, take it as a gift.  You've seen how "healthy" behaves!

turtle

[just me.]

Being with one person, and missing another... .  

That's a tough combination.


It seems like the issue here is understanding why you'd be missing your ex while you're experiencing a seemingly positive relationship with a "healthy woman".  How long were you with your ex?  How long have you been with this new woman?

Given the comparison of times involved, it could just be a simple matter of missing a level of intimacy that cannot be re-gained overnight with a new person.  If you were extremely emotionally and intimately engaged with your ex for a long time, then I'd think your new partner might actually be able to understand the conflict of your emotions (with proper explanation from you).

You said your ex looked "kind of ugly", but are you still more physically drawn to her than you are to your new partner?  If so, that is an instinctual/natural thing that may be difficult to overcome, and I would not judge you for having that cloud your thinking.  It could certainly create internal turmoil for you... .  but it's also something you can't really expect your new partner to be okay with.

I think you need to really think about what this new person has meant to you.  Was she your "safe" choice?  Your chance to be with someone healthy while you licked your wounds?  Why was it that you could be with her and still miss someone else?


Is it a matter of personal inventory... .  ?  Is that you just miss the drama and the idealization of your previous unhealthy relationship?

Or is it possible that recently you have been with the wrong person, and part of you has already known it?

Which one of those do you think it is?  Both?  Neither?  Something else entirely?


The way you talk about it here, it sounds like you are more concerned with your shame and guilt than you are that you have (perhaps) lost this new woman.  Is that true?

[nolisan]

This might be a wild ass idea but how about sharing this post with the new gal - it is heartfelt and soulful.

[trevjim]

This might be a wild ass idea but how about sharing this post with the new gal - it is heartfelt and soulful.

I was thinking that too

[Rose Tiger]

   Reading your experience reminded me of how much of my life I've spent just absolutely beating the tar out of myself for 'mistakes' I've made.  Isn't it time to start being compassionate and understanding to yourself?

You wrote an email exploring your feelings.  Is this really such a horrible thing?  No.

This is what big people do, they look at the situation and then make amends if necessary.  Apologize to your girlfriend that your ambivalence hurt her.  Then it is up to her to forgive your or not.  You are not a bad person for feeling confused about the BPDex, that's what they do, they send mixed signals that drive us batty.  This is good stuff to go over with a counselor and to learn what in your past taught you to take on shame to such a point that it's disabling.  

[Changed4safety]

This might be a wild ass idea but how about sharing this post with the new gal - it is heartfelt and soulful.

I was thinking that too

So was I... .  Also, I'm unclear as to how she found it.  Did she go poking around on your computer, and if so, did you give her an OK for that?  If she came across it purely by accident, that's one thing.  If you do get back together, my two cents... .  be an open book from now on.  It will reassure her if from here on in, she DOES have permission to see what you are emailing, PMing, IMing and so on.  The more she understands about what you went through with your ex, and what it does to the nons, the better.  *hugs*  Rose Tiger, too, as always, has some great things to say.

[tailspin]

rjh,

Are you sure you didn't create this drama in your life?  The *damaging* email was created yet not deleted.  How did the woman you were seeing find and read the email?  Was it easy for her to find or did she have to dig?  :)id you want her to find it?

I only ask because sometimes we self-sabotage our *next relationship* because we really haven't healed from the BPD fallout. When the woman you were seeing left... .  do you see this as an opportunity to re-engage with your ex?  :)oes this open the door for more dysfunction with her?  

Maybe you are in a massive hole and maybe this is exactly where you need to be right now.  Perhaps you should focus on you and remove the distractions of any relationship outside of yourself.  Find a place to heal.

If we meet the most healthy and wonderful person in the world... .  and we are not healthy ourselves... .  how is this supposed to work?  There is no shame in where you are right now; it takes some time to heal from the trauma of what we've been through.  You have all the tools you need to help yourself.  I wish for you the courage and strength to do so.

tailspin

[willy45]

Hi all,

Thank you all for the support.

The woman I was/am seeing saw the email because she opened up my iPod which had my email open. I didn't do it to get caught. I wrote the draft email late at night and knew I wasn't in a good headspace so just closed my computer. I didn't delete it because I forgot about it. It was just an email to let me write out what I was feeling and thinking because I was so confused. I really battled to keep my ex out of my life. Of course I still have feelings for her. They aren't good feelings. But they are powerful. All the same feelings I'm sure you all are very familiar with... .  being deeply in love with a fantasy person that doesn't exist, feeling so low in self-esteem that I feel that I was the problem, feeling like I was always at fault for any troubles, feeling like I could have tried harder or done something different, constantly having my boundaries broken and feeling used to that, used to being manipulated, guilted, shamed, etc... .  intermittent reinforcement, trying to fix everything... .  You guys all know the drill. The usual.

And no. I didn't see this woman leaving as an opportunity to re-engage with my ex. I told her to leave me alone when I saw her. She called me the next day. I told her very clearly that she was not allowed to call me anymore. I said: "You have taken enough from me. I am not letting you take anymore."

But yes. Tailspin. You are right. I am in an incredible amount of pain. And I have been at a loss as to how to deal with it. I had been doing well though. I felt like I had some healing. I was starting to see the light. Now I feel like I am in a massive, massive hole. I am so much pain. It is excruciating. I don't want to be f'ed up anymore. I have so many other great things in my life. But I am so utterly consumed by pain that I can't see them

[waitaminute]

Forget the email. Even if you had not created it, it is quite possible that your BPDex would have found a way to let your new woman know that you spent time with her. That was the mistake... .  Not so much the email.

I have been NC and trying to rebuild with my normal but very hurt exwife. She knows how I was sucked in initially. So she insists that I have NO contact with exBPD. I felt the need a few weeks ago to send the BPDex a short text regarding some harassing email which she received and thought I had sent. BPDex sent me a threatening hate mail telling me to stop. I actually fear this woman and didnt want her thinking that I had sent the harassment. And I told my ex wife that I had sent the text to say "it wasn't me". She did not say goodbye but was clearly upset. I hope she gets over it. And I hope your new woman does too. But you really shouldn't have spent any time at all with your BPD ex. We are their prey.

[HardTruth]

johnnyorganic - I am SO sorry to hear about what you're going through.  Man, that's hard, and such bad luck with the Ipod.

I'd say the work you've done in leaving your exBPD, going NC, and starting a new relationship with a healthy/healthier person is great.  It's hard hard hard to do all those things.

I think going NC for some people will essentially "cure" them of their exBPD.  For others of us, we are just putting the tiger in the cage and hoping it doesn't get loose!  I think to REALLY be free of her, it's helpful to do some inner work with a T or other helper, and investigate and heal the reasons why you are so attached to her even when you don't want to be.

Otherwise what happened with your current gf could happen with the next one too.

Have you read any of the posts by Charred?  His exBPDgf still had a hold on him over 20 years later, and it wreaked havoc on his life when she reappeared!

I think one reason we are so attached to them is our own childhood/FOO stuff.  2010 posts are often recommended - Lonely child/ Abandoned child stuff.

It's amazing how that stuff can get a hold of you, and continue to reel you in even when you are making your best effort to not let it.  I think the solution is to change it from the inside out.  I'm working on that now, and have been since 2004 when my exNPD left me and I became suicidal over it.

Good luck to you.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  I hope that your current gf will hear you and understand that you were writing "stream of consciousness" and that you are working on moving through that stuff.

[willy45]

Ok. Thanks. Does anyone have a link to 2010's posts?

[just me.]

Ok. Thanks. Does anyone have a link to 2010's posts?

You can always find a member by clicking the "members" tab and then choosing "search for members".  Once at someone's profile, you can click the "show the last posts of this person" link.

The members tab is located third from the right among the blue tabs right above the "search" box.

[willy45]

hmmm... .  Ok. The link didn't work and I don't seem to see the members tab... .  any suggestions?

[HardTruth]

The Members tab is at the top - a few tabs to the right of the Boards tab.

[just me.]

Sorry the link didn't work.  It worked for me on a different computer... .  so I'm not sure what the problem is.  Can you find the "members" tab now?

[just me.]

Or try this link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117331.0

And then click on 2010's name on the left.  Does that work for you?

[willy45]

Ah... Yes. Perfect. Thank you!

[willy45]

hmmm... .  Ok. Still didn't work. I click on the 2010 user name and it says:

An Error has occurred. Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile.

Maybe it is because I am new?

[just me.]

hmmm... .  Ok. Still didn't work. I click on the 2010 user name and it says:

An Error has occurred. Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile.

Maybe it is because I am new?

Yes... .  sorry.  I just did some research on this, and it seems the following link should work for you once you've hit 10 posts:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts;start=740

You're at 8 right now... .  so you're almost there.

[OTH]

Count me out. Apologize and tell her about your struggles. Deal with her as a unique person. Deal with your experience with her as a unique experience. What does your heart really want? Let that decide your actions. If you need more healing time so be it. Love turtle's advice

This might be a wild ass idea but how about sharing this post with the new gal - it is heartfelt and soulful.

I was thinking that too

[willy45]

Ok. Thanks! Good incentive to keep posting!