Hi mango_flower
here we are posting on each others topics again! Good to have you around when I'm here!
I hurt that she has demons inside her head.
I hurt that she will never be 100% happy, when I will move on to be happy one day.
I hurt that she feels so worthless
I hurt that she worries about being abandoned
I hurt that she feels every emotion so much more deeply
I hurt that she tries so hard to fit in and be normal
That's a lot of hurt that you are taking on yourself. What you've written demonstrates again what a truly compassionate person you are. I wouldn't want you to lose that.
However, be careful that your compassion for her doesn't get in the way of your compassion for yourself.
You know a bit of my story so you'll know that I have been left and then recycled many times since our first separation. I was a complete wreck the first couple of times he left. Then I found out about BPD and this forum. In some ways it has been a saving grace but in another way, I found that the more I read and learned, the more I felt sympathy for exH and so I allowed another recycle then another , tolerated behaviour that was unacceptable and so on because I couldn't stand to see him in such emotional turmoil and I too held on to an ingrained belief that love was the answer.
The difference for me this time is that I have been unable to feel that same compassion for him. I don't like feeling like this. It feels wrong! But it's more healthy. I have been a lot more detached (not there yet as you will know from tonight's post) but I can honestly say that I have not missed him this time or even felt the usual attraction when I see him.
I don't hate him. I do still feel for him and hope that he's alright. I do feel anger at 'the universe' for the very existence of BPD. But I don't hurt for him now. I can't afford to lose any more of my life or continue to be less emotionally available to my children, friends and wider family than is healthy.
Only they can find a way to be whole. As you have learned to your cost, loving deeply and doing everything you can to help makes no difference.
There's no point in two people's lives being so terribly disrupted. By all means say a prayer - I think that's a kind and generous thing to do for her - just try to keep taking those baby steps that at least allow you a healthier and happier life.
