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Think About It... Defending our boundaries is more than a response in times of conflict - it's a lifestyle. Learn how to get in touch with your values, define and communicate boundaries of those values, and defend against boundary busters. ~ Skip
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Author Topic: I Sabotaged what is left of our Relationship~on purpose...  (Read 865 times)
GreenMango
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« Reply #20 on: March 15, 2013, 02:34:15 PM »

It's gonna take some detachment and boundaries for sure.  Hard stuff and not easy.

There's a good workshop on boundaries and maybe the one on Dearman might help you when communicating.  Have you checked hear out?

I am sorry I know this can't be easy on you.
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2013, 03:22:07 PM »

dearman?
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #22 on: March 16, 2013, 02:44:17 PM »

Made a mistake and saw him last night...   was sad I wasn't with him. He invited me over and I went. Watch tv made love feel asleep in each others arms. Woke up made love again this morning and then talked...     Made a final plea for our marriage. Cried. Left and continued the talk via text.  This is what he said. "It sounds like you ate going to ask me to go back to counseling with you,Well if its anything along that line I'm not sure you ate going to like my answer,You're trapping me because you will not believe why I would answer no to this.  I don't hate or despise you and believe me, I thought about this long and hard that you could never imagine, and I fought myself over this, but the only reason I would come Back is for the kids.  You remember all the good things we had together because I am not there, but it's the opposite of what I Remember.  I know what I am doing.  I'm happier now knowing that even though our kids may grow up to resent my choice they will grow up knowing I love them.  They won't grow up knowing that our constant fighting and bickering was in frustration every day because there are no emotional feelings in the relationship.  I thought very long and very hard about this and I accept my fate that you or God or the kids, or anyone else has to instill upon me for that decision.   I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear and I don't care if you don't believe I am not influenced by this decision.  Please know I'm not angry.    Honestly I am happier.  It's one billion times harder than just giving up and saying yes to you, honestly.  But I feel so much more at peace and in control of myself, if that makes sense.  I'm not scared or tired, I just simply do not want too, I'm very sorry about this.  I will miss some times we had together"

I responded in between but really doesn't need to be added for anyone. U all get the point.

I feel like such an idiot for putting myself out there again, we have now agreed to contact only when kid related. sad
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GreenMango
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« Reply #23 on: March 16, 2013, 02:58:14 PM »

I'm so sorry. Empathy
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Lovingwife315

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« Reply #24 on: March 17, 2013, 11:57:22 AM »

Well today starts a new phase in my life...   Got to work really hard at NC except for kid stuff . Really hard since he has been my best friend and goto person for 18 years. I know it is necessary for me to start healing and for him to finally see what he has lost. Up until now he has still had me in his life and probably hasn't had the chance to miss me or our life.

Thanks everyone for your support. I will look to u all for the strength to continue NC.
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #25 on: March 20, 2013, 01:57:22 PM »

ok so since Monday morning (he picked D6 up for school) I haven't seen H.  really had no contact with him except for 1 text he sent yesterday and I responded to.  Was surprised today, when he came to mind, that I hadn't thought about him since last night I think...   could be because I was really busy...  

It is just a matter of time until he puts out "feelers" to gauge my interest in ammending our agreement...  

I need to be strong.  But starting to feel pain again now...  
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GreenMango
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« Reply #26 on: March 21, 2013, 02:00:56 AM »

How's your other support system?  Friends, family?

During the hard times it was a great support for me.  Got my mind of things - at least for a little while.
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #27 on: March 22, 2013, 12:57:10 PM »

Gosh!  I was doing so well...   and that is why this morning happened I am sure! 

When H came to pick up D6 this morning for school, I was running behind and he came in to assist if packing her backpack etc.  I am contsantly aware of what he is doing when he is around me.  I know he was watching me, even though he turned away when I looked at him.

Then came the "FEELERS"  and I mean "feelers"  As he walked past me he decided to touch me, in a way that he knew would get a reaction out of me. It did...   And what I felt when he leaned up against me, it got a rise out of him as well.

NOTHING HAPPENED, but if our daughter was not there and ready to walk out of the house it may have...  

WHY DO THEY DO THIS?  HE LEFT ME...  
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GreenMango
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« Reply #28 on: March 22, 2013, 03:43:02 PM »

When someone has BPD there are several things going on in concert.

-emotional impulsivity ...   Whatever feels right poor coping skills
-little boundaries ...   doesn't know what's appropriate
-empathy ...   Little insight to affect on others
-direction ...   Lack of decisiveness and commital
-intimacy ...   Inability to maintain stable and meaningful long lasting relationships

You have to be the leader and model whats expected and enforce your limits.  It's really hard because if you had done what I had done for a long time I reinforced the behavior.  Changing a dynamic is very difficult if its cemented in.  You get all kinds of escalating blowback.

Maybe taking a look at the Boundaries living our values workshop can help.  What we do is often the only thing we can control.

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real lady
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« Reply #29 on: March 22, 2013, 04:07:36 PM »

WHY DO THEY DO THIS?  HE LEFT ME...  

My opinion...   they do it because THEY CAN and they KNOW that it will get a reaction from us. IMHO, it is a POWER thing that they feel that they still have power over us. When we DON'T respond in any positive way, it will stop.

If you would have quickly backed off with a disgusted look on your face and said sternly "excuse me." and huffed, you would have been telling him that HE LOST this game and he will likely NOT be playing it again soon because it did not get the response he wanted.

Obviously, yours DID get the response he was looking for and will do it again. Mark my words. Prepare yourself.
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