I posted this in the wrong board.
well yesturday would have been 5 days without contact with my exBPDgf. I was doing ok. was very sad and down but ws still trying to pick up piecse and move on. though we dont work for the same companies but our companies work very close together and are entertwined somewhat. Anyway I get a text message asking me a question that about 4 other people could have answered. I was slow to respond because I was busy at that time. She then sends another one "never mind" I answer her question. She then responds with thanks and an open ended statement that would usual prompt me to ask a question. But I didnt. I didnt hear another word from her and still havent. But the text made me very nervous, anxious and almost sick. I was back to feeling very down. I cant block her or change my number becasue of work. In the past this has always led to somesort of recycle. and I admit I never wanted it to end. I was happy with us going the therapy even tho she didnt make but one session. My T said that it needed to end then and I couldnt fix her. But she was the one that in a drunken rage said she was done and was doing thsi relationship anymore and that she was discontining therapy and that we was toxic for each other. I said fine and stopped attempting to talk to her. I gave up. This text message yesturday shook me to my core. I fear a recycle attempt and also fear not getting recycled is this a normal feeling? was the text a recycle prob. whats in store now? im having some serious anxiety. any advice and helpful words would be apprciated.
I'm not sure if it is a recycle attempt, I don't think so. However, I do think it's to fresh at the moment and 5 days NC isn't even healing a little. So breaking that feels like pouring 4liters of salt on your wounds and splitting open your skull. It freaking hurts through the bone, also a good feeling in a way to realize, hey your not the one with BPD!
On the other hand, be careful that you don't allow yourself to 'swindle/drown' in these feelings. Thats what I do. I want my ex BPD back, however I know it's not the healthiest thing to do. However, i'd be open for recycle, on the other hand, i shouldnt. I want to move on, but with this behavior, there is no moving on. It's pure torture. Actual torture ...