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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: I think my male friend has BPD  (Read 377 times)
redberry
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« on: March 17, 2013, 06:29:15 PM »

Hi everyone!  I've been reading for a while and finally got the courage to post.

Here is my story.  I have a friend that I met at the gym about 5 years ago.  When we first started hanging out, I noticed that he became kind of clingy and sort of demanded a lot of my time.  I went along with it because he was fun and seemed to develop many of my same interests.  Before long it seemed like we were spending every free minute together.  He was having trouble with his girlfriend at the time because he said she never wanted to spend any time with him (she was in a demanding career field).

Out of the blue he dumped his then girlfriend and started immediately and seriously dating another girl, who I had never even seen before.  I was kind of shocked that he could go from one to the other like that and with so much intensity.  Aside from the constant hanging out, that was sort of the next thing that raised an eyebrow with me.  But I let it go.  Well, when he started dating her, literally every second was spent with her.  He dropped me pretty quickly and would never make plans.  I admit that hurt.

Move forward five years and I've watched a series of at least 5 relationships come and go.  Same process... .  when he's having trouble in the relationship, he remembers our friendship.  When he's abruptly moving on to a new one he doesn't have time for me. The guy is never single, always is dating (and eventually cheating) on someone.  There have been many occasions that I have caught him in a lie--basically telling one person one thing by text message and telling me something else.  And speaking of the phone, he is ALWAYS on it.  Not talking, but sending and reading texts.  From who, I have no idea.

He is terrible with money, can't gamble without betting high dollar, I have seen him binge eat on more than one occasion, he drinks a lot and never socially always to get drunk.  He will go to bed with any woman who pays him attention.  And I've learned over the years that he cultivates these sexual escapades by text ahead of time so that when he and the girl finally meet they jump right in bed.  I've even heard quiet rumors that he has had sex with other men.  There have been a few times I felt like he was subtly coming on to me--nothing overt but more like he was trying to see how far I would go.  It's very strange.

So many things seem to line up with BPD, BUT he doesn't rage (at least not that I've seen).  In fact, he barely talks.  Awkwardly silent.  And when he does, it's without emotion.  It looks like serious depression to me.  When I ask him what's wrong, he says "nothing" or seems to have a ready excuse so that he doesn't have to really answer.  Often I'll catch him staring off with this look of sadness or despair.  I always wonder what he's thinking about but he'll just brush off the question.  When he's drinking, it's a whole different story.  He's talkative and fun, blends in completely with the crowd that he's with.  But the next morning back to silence.  So strange.

There's a lot more I could say, but this post is probably long enough.  I'm interested in staying friends with him, but I don't understand the roller coaster or the silence or the cheating and hurting someone else or a lot of other things.

As for me, I realize this friendship has uncovered some things and has even made me question very defined things (including my sexuality) at times.  I have signed up to start therapy this week to work on the me side of the puzzle.  But can you guys help me understand my friend?  Thank you!
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Peterpan
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« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2013, 07:46:52 PM »



Well I'm no expert, but it looks to me that he is using you because you are always there for him, when he needs you, nothing more.

Sorry to be so blunt, but wether he has BPD (w/NPD traits) or not, but very likey he has, he seems to be giving you nothing, only taking, at his own convenience.

What do you get out of it?

You will read a lot about this on these boards, hope it helps, take care of yourself.
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redberry
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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2013, 09:16:10 PM »

Thank you Peter Pan.  I think you're spot on.  I am being used.  I'm starting to see that and it's been a hurtful and disturbing realization that I didn't want to come to.

What do I get out of it?  That's a good question.  I have a few guesses but I'm not sure.  That is the first thing I would like to explore in therapy.
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catnap
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« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2013, 07:32:20 AM »

 Welcome  redberry

I am happy that you found us. bpdfamily.com has many resources. . .educating yourself about the disorder is always helpful.  I am glad that you have engaged a therapist to help you sort things out. 

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

I think this will resonate with your observations about your friend's romantic relationships:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Please keep posting... .  it does help.

catnap
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redberry
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Posts: 997


« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2013, 12:53:27 PM »

Thank you so much catnap!  I have bookmarked those links and will take a read and watch the video tonight.
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