Re: Emotional Immaturity

[benny2]

Wow you just described my bf to the T. The only thing that was different was controling money. He is VERY responsible with that. In fact to the other extreme. He won't buy himself anything because he says he can't affort it and thats a bunch of rubbish. I think he just likes to make himself look pathetic so people feel sorry for him, but everything else is just like him.

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[briefcase]

Yes, people with BPD are emotionally immature.  All we can do is make sure that we are the emotionally mature ones in the relationship! 

BTW - I used to let my wife win at games because I didn't want to deal with her reaction to losing.   

[committed]

I do believe we are all dating the same man!   

I'll add to the list... . when my daughter is sick... . she is not really sick... . she is faking it... . she is able to mysteriously cause her temperature to rise over 102 so it will appear she has a fever... . and I fall for it every time and give her sympathy. I'm an enabler and all I'm doing is encourage my daughter to be sick so I'll give her attention. Oh... . the fun we sometimes deal with. Sorry, it's been one of those weeks. 

[committed]

Yeah, if I get sick... . I don't expect any sympathy or special care. It's sad that if we choose to stay with our partners (and I have for now) that we have to lower our expectations of what they can be to us. I know if I ever got a terminal illness, he would not be able to there for me... . not because he wouldn't want to... . but because I just don't think he has the emotional maturity to be there.

[real lady]

My uBPDso and I used to LOVE to play Scrabble together; our favorite game until he started playing his video games, alone. But near the end of our "Scrabble Stint", I had beat him, somewhat badly, about 5 out of 8 games. He was beating me up until that time, almost ALL the time but by a VERY SMALL margin; less than 100 points. Most of the time less than 50 and we don't play with "spotting". I think he just got tired of "not always being the BEST". I challenged him and he no longer wants to play with me. Poor loser.

[Louise7777]

They are all so similar, its unbeliavable!

Both my BPDs are hypocondriac.  Also, no one can expect any help if getting sick, they just leave the situation for someone else to take care and still cause trouble by making a big scene. They add more mess to the scenario. And still portray themselves as victims, since they told everyone they are caretakers (yeah, right!).

One of them has histrionic traits, so she has to be the center of all attention in ALL family gatherings (being a funeral, a party, anything!)

I can only say its exahusting!

[Louise7777]

I cant help thinking they do that on purpose, to avoid being responsible for anything. Its easier to pretend being a fool than behaving as a responsible adult.

I say that cause mine are very skilled dealing with money (they do it without any help) but when it comes to helping others, they suddenly are children... . Isnt that nice?

[Louise7777]

At least your sister can help you deal with ur H.

Im not sure if one of my BPDs has histrionic or narcissistic, I have to check on that, Im not sure of the differences.

Yes, they may have traits from different disorders, thats makes some of them a bigger handful... .

I forgot to add that my histrionic/ narcissist BPD has a way on flattering people, calling them angels, son or whatever... . Its a clear manipulative tool. Sometimes, when I finally realized what she was about I just sat down and watched. Her behaviour seemed so fake, she was always acting to please some people and get what she wanted from them... . But the closest circle (meaning immediate family) was treated with disregard, disrespect and even she tried to humiliate many times (and she suceeded).

Since I cant take that anymore I decided to go NC. Unfortunately Ill have to meet her next week on a family birthday... . Wish me luck!

[real lady]

Her behaviour seemed so fake, she was always acting to please some people and get what she wanted from them... . But the closest circle (meaning immediate family) was treated with disregard, disrespect and even she tried to humiliate many times (and she suceeded).

I believe that my sister is HPD (born later in live to my mom, age 42). She exhibits ALL the traits, heavy on the sexually seduction and promiscuity; she has had affairs with at least 5 other men and my brother in law JUST found out about two past ones and possible FUTURE one who is "waiting" for her to divorce, or so she thinks. Talking to her about an "issue", especially a FAMILY issue, is like trying to nail jello to the wall... . it just doesn't happen. She sticks with generalities and feigns "fatigue", (now I know WHY she was so tired, she was burning the candle at both ends to "be happy" with her "lover" She disrespected me so badly that I had NC for almost 2 years. I have minimal contact with her now, both of our parents are gone and she "doesn't want to talk to me" about her situation, has lied and NOT told me the truth at all. I can't imagine being married to a person that behaves like this.

Since I cant take that anymore I decided to go NC. Unfortunately Ill have to meet her next week on a family birthday... . Wish me luck.

Good luck. You really DO NOT have to spend time with her. To "see her" is one thing. To "make a show" is another. To feel pressured to spend time with her is TOTALLY YOUR CHOICE. I would smile and say "hi" and walk away. The more drama they can stir up, the better they feel and the more they try to create off of it. Walking away and NOT engaging has been the BEST response to my sister. It is the only thing that I can do that gives her "nothing to work with"... .

I can just see your BPDw trying to "create a scene"... . hopefully not, let's pretend that she is talking about you and pointing RIGHT at you and you look at her and smile and turn and walk away. She is ranting and raving TO someone about YOU and your behavior. They will stand and look at her and maybe realize that something is sorely WRONG with her. You don't look upset. You are NOT WANTING TO BE WITH HER and she is upset about it. She will look like the spoiled brat, spurned schoolgirl and you "may be" viewed as "cold and callous" and WHO CARES? YOU are the one who has to live through the family gathering. Don't let others get into your business or let her "create a scene". Let her "breakdown" in front of your family. IF the birthday is of a person in HER family, I would consider NOT going and calling and sending them a gift via FTD, etc. and NOT tell her or anyone else that you will not be there. You are busy. I don't think I would put myself in a position if I even thought it was a possibility of being a fiasco. I would stay away. Wishing you the very best and hope that you take good care of YOU.

[Auspicious]

One of the interesting things I learned when I began learning - out of necessity - about psychology and relationships, was that people tend to pair up with other people who are more or less at the same level of emotional maturity.

I was just as emotionally immature as my wife, when I met her. Granted, I was emotionally immature in different ways - ways that would not later land me in psych units, as hers did - but I was at about the same level of maturity, at least when it came to romantic relationships.

That's what made me so susceptible to her idealization of me. That's what made me ignore of overlook warning signs. That's what made me tolerate behavior I never thought I would have tolerated.

A healthy mature person would have walked away or insisted that she get help much, much sooner.

[Louise7777]

Real lady, thank you so much for your words! I really appreciate them.

Im still not familiar with abbreaviations, but the BPD I was talking about is my aunt. You are right, I have the choice not to go, but I chose otherwise, cause of many factors. I only see her once or twice a year, and not cause of her birthday, but for some other family member´s birthday or event.

I will read more on how to deal with them, cause I remained quiet in the past (by instintc, not being aware of her BPD condition), but still she managed to abuse and start a fight.

You said "The more drama they can stir up, the better they feel and the more they try to create off of it. Walking away and NOT engaging has been the BEST response to my sister. It is the only thing that I can do that gives her "nothing to work with"... . "... . I couldnt agree more! It seems they get a lot of pleasure from such situations!

I think you were wise in dealing with your sister, my aunt has histrionic traits too. She is in her 80´s and still has a lot of energy to behave in such a way (!). I had assumed she would "calm down" over time, even without being diagnosed or treated, but unfortunately, thats not the case. She has created a lot of troubles inside the family during decades: tried to put sibling against sibling (managed!), tried to ruin her sisters marriages (didnt work), ruinned relationship among parents and siblings (managed to an extent), etc. Gets happy when family members get sick and says it to anyone!

She has behaved in a terrible way towards me over the years... . When I was a teenager (very naive) she told me I was cute but btchy (!). Who says such a thing to your own niece? Of course she said it when no one was around. I should forgive and forget, but I cant, cause she is still the same, if given the opportunity. So I chose to go NC. And unlike many others here, I cant feel any sympathy or pity for her.

[andywho]

Yes, people with BPD are emotionally immature.  All we can do is make sure that we are the emotionally mature ones in the relationship! 

BTW - I used to let my wife win at games because I didn't want to deal with her reaction to losing.   

"Used to" So i guess you dont do that anymore?

My GF i also a terrible looser, and i also very often lost on purpose. But this year on our easter holiday (usually involves alot of board and card games) i choose not to loose to her as i no longer fear her reactions as much as i used to.

Most games went like this... .   i win, she wants a rematch. Then i win the rematch and the game is suddenly stupid and she dont wanna play anymore.

Guess we have to buy some new games now

[briefcase]

I was naive too.  Compared to some, I guess my upbringing was pretty "sheltered" (no addictions, no PDs, no abuse, no divorce issues in my FOO, etc.).  But, in a way, that naiveté left me "emotionally immature" and completely unprepared for a whirlwind relationship with a woman who came from an abusive, neglectful and alcoholic household who had lots of issues. 

I took it for granted that everyone would see the world the way I did, that my boundaries were "obvious" to other people. I feared confrontation and intense emotions, etc.  I was insecure and thin skinned.  I worried too much how others perceived me, requiring a lot of validation to feel "good" and "worthy".  I had to grow up, emotionally, in a lot of ways.   

[maryy16]

Wow! I had forgotten how what a sore loser my BPDh is because we have not played a board game in probably 25 years due to his inability to lose. 

When we first started dating, we were playing Monopoly and he did something that was against the rules.  I pointed it out to him and he said "our family plays it that way" to which I responded "yea, but it's against the rules and I don't know how your family plays".  He got REALLY upset and messed up the playing board, and refused to play anymore because "I was a stickler for rules and didn't know how to play the game".

Briefcase:  you describe me perfectly! I too came from a "sheltered" family and just assumed the "obvious" boundaries as well.  So when meeting my H, I was pretty much thrown for a loop as I had never been treated in such a horrible manner before. Because of that, he, of course, was very easily able to make me believe that everything was my fault... .   after being called a "moron", "retard", and "dumb ___" for so long, one begins to believe it... .  

[Louise7777]

Oh, they are perfect! No discussion abt that, pls! No criticism is allowed! Also, no giving in, no meeting u half the way... .   Its exahusting! 

[yeeter]

OK, Im going to point the finger inward here.

The post title is about emotional immaturity.

And lots of posts about 'they are this', or 'they are that'.  Pretty emotionally immature... .  

[Louise7777]

LOL. That was hilarious!

[allibaba]

One of the interesting things I learned when I began learning - out of necessity - about psychology and relationships, was that people tend to pair up with other people who are more or less at the same level of emotional maturity.

I was just as emotionally immature as my wife, when I met her. Granted, I was emotionally immature in different ways - ways that would not later land me in psych units, as hers did - but I was at about the same level of maturity, at least when it came to romantic relationships.

That's what made me so susceptible to her idealization of me. That's what made me ignore of overlook warning signs. That's what made me tolerate behavior I never thought I would have tolerated.

A healthy mature person would have walked away or insisted that she get help much, much sooner.

Thank you for this Auspicious... .     personally I can be horribly emotionally immature (that is my gut instinct) and its taking a lot to learn new behavior.  Whenever I had an issue with my husband I would just hole up and hope it would pass or try to make it all better by distracting him.  When it got to be too much I would blow up and get angry. It made my husband angry because he felt ignored.

This behavior was making our life (my husband and I) far, far worse.  Well if you walk 5 miles into the woods and then turn around it doesn't take 5 minutes to get out.  I cant expect that everything will get better overnight.  Its a long walk back out and occasionally I do a U turn and head back to the woods (doh). 

I still have to work hard on not just ignoring unacceptable behavior or agreeing with my husband because its easier than fighting.  I don't want to validate the bad behavior -- just how he feels.

[borderdude]

Needless to say :

I see a strong correlation bwteen emotional immaturity connected to idealization.

Is there a more scientific explanation to this connection somewhere ?

[hope2727]

This is such a good discussion. The funny thing about my fiancee is when I was acting emotionally immature in relation to my FOO ( and they seriously set me off at times) he was the one who could see the bigger picture and set me straight. He would say maybe one sentence and make me see my reaction was off base. Then he would add maybe one more sentence that redirected me into a MUCH more emotionally mature response. Somehow when I noted his immaturity in response to something however it was not the same result. Sometimes he could go away and sulk awhile and come back with "yeah you are right". But most times he just flipped out completely. Oh well. He has a broken brain and that makes it harder for him I suppose.