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Think About It... The Borderline and the narcissist. The borderline tends to be dominated mostly by abandonment fears, and the narcissistic person, by fear of the loss of specialness or appreciation.When the promise of that bond is threatened, the borderline responds with blame and attack defenses. The narcissist tends to withdraw, fears a loss of specialness, easily becomes injured or outraged ~Joan Lachkar, Ph.D..
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Author Topic: BPD and the acknowledgement of death...  (Read 523 times)
lacole
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« on: April 16, 2013, 10:09:56 AM »

how do BPD handle acknowledging a death?

My mother in law passed away this past weekend, she had been very ill over the past 10 months.
I have known her for almosdt 30 years, she was my kids only grandmother.

The reason I ask...    my ex best friend (BPD) has never reached out to me during this illness nor has she reached out since my mother in laws passing. My ex friend did reach out to my husband but not to me.
I must admit Im deeply hurt by this. Yes, we are no longer friends, but during times like this shouldnt you put all that aside and acknowledge it, let them know your sorry, etc? I know I would do that if it was someone in her family, even if i knew she didnt want to talk to me, I would reach out in some form or fashion.

I cant help but think this is some form of punishment towards me. I saw her a few weeks ago at a soccer game and didnt walk over to her (as Im sure she expected). This is someone that expected me to always approuch her, come to her, be the first to say I was sorry, etc...    
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2013, 07:44:12 PM »

how do BPD handle acknowledging a death?

My mother in law passed away this past weekend, she had been very ill over the past 10 months.
I have known her for almosdt 30 years, she was my kids only grandmother.

The reason I ask...    my ex best friend (BPD) has never reached out to me during this illness nor has she reached out since my mother in laws passing. My ex friend did reach out to my husband but not to me.
I must admit Im deeply hurt by this. Yes, we are no longer friends, but during times like this shouldnt you put all that aside and acknowledge it, let them know your sorry, etc? I know I would do that if it was someone in her family, even if i knew she didnt want to talk to me, I would reach out in some form or fashion.

I cant help but think this is some form of punishment towards me. I saw her a few weeks ago at a soccer game and didnt walk over to her (as Im sure she expected). This is someone that expected me to always approuch her, come to her, be the first to say I was sorry, etc...    
My dear.

If it could be pushed aside, that person would not have BPD.

And no she wasn't expecting it either. That you would come and visit her. That expectation was only there when you had a deeper emotional bond.
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Rocknut
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2013, 09:00:09 PM »

My mother had a stroke on Saturday. She ALMOST died. She is in the I.C.U.

I texted my exbfBPD and told him what happened. You think I heard back from him? Nope...  
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2013, 09:14:51 PM »

I'm so sorry to hear that Rocknut, I hope that she'll be okay and will start recovering soon!
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This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Chicago girl
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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2013, 10:32:56 PM »

So sorry to hear about your loss Lacole. I have a few stories first hand from my exBPD guy. I asked him once about his dog. My ex is a pretty "manly man" and here he was with...    a poodle? So he tells me a story about how when he took over the lease on his apartment he also took the dog that came with the apartment. Apparently, the people moving out couldn't take the dog. Anyway, he assumes responsibility for the dog. Walking dog one day, dog gets free and hit by a car. I think it was pretty gruesome. Now, I've lost a dog very suddenly before. I went to work, came home and he was dead. I was in therapy for months mourning. What does my expwBPD do? He wakes up the next day, looks in the paper for the same breed and goes and buys the dog...    the NEXT DAY. He admitted he had no attachment to him whatsoever at the time. Now the dog is like his baby of course, 13 years later.

Here's another one. We'd been "dating" (can you ever really call it that?) for nearly 4 months. In that time he kept referring to two of his brothers. He'd already split his family black but still occasionally told stories about them. Come to find out that one of the brothers he'd been referring to in the present was actually dead? For four months you've been telling me about your brother and speaking about him as if he was alive and he's dead? Who does that? AND when I said "WHAT? WHY? HOW?" He said he didn't know. He'd already split them black and didn't even call to find out how his younger brother died.

Anyway, here are a couple of examples of how pwBPD can react to death. It's not good. I'm fairly certain your friend is probably not punishing you, but her NC is more likely related to her inability to cope with the idea of death and its permanence? I mean, death in a sense is the ultimate irreversible abandonment. Whether they know the person or not...    they're trying to steer WAY clear of those situations I'm guessing.

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Take2
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« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2013, 01:55:23 AM »

I honestly don't know if this is all BPD or maybe also some other overlapping disorder (as I strongly suspect my ex also has antisocial personality traits) but he TRIED at least verbally to be here for me during my dads ailing health and eventual death,  but in reality he lacked any empathy
The night i sat by my dads bed as he entered the active dying phase (which took three days) my ex not only refused to come sit with me,  he felt justified in calling to yell at me both on his way to and from the DATE he had with some girl he'd met online .

Did I mention the TOTAL lack of empathy?
A week after my dad died, I was upset and told him he had no idea what I had been going thru.  He responded by yelling that I had no idea what HE had been going thru (meaning his life has been so hard because of me and all the 12,000 delusional affairs he claims I have had which I haven't)

Really?
Really.

No concept of someone else's pain.  
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2013, 02:01:43 AM »

I honestly don't know if this is all BPD or maybe also some other overlapping disorder (as I strongly suspect my ex also has antisocial personality traits) but he TRIED at least verbally to be here for me during my dads ailing health and eventual death,  but in reality he lacked any empathy
The night i sat by my dads bed as he entered the active dying phase (which took three days) my ex not only refused to come sit with me,  he felt justified in calling to yell at me both on his way to and from the DATE he had with some girl he'd met online .

Did I mention the TOTAL lack of empathy?
A week after my dad died, I was upset and told him he had no idea what I had been going thru.  He responded by yelling that I had no idea what HE had been going thru (meaning his life has been so hard because of me and all the 12,000 delusional affairs he claims I have had which I haven't)

Really?
Really.

No concept of someone else's pain.  
You sound surprised ...  why is that?
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Take2
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« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2013, 02:13:49 AM »

You know...    that's a good question.
I don't even know how or why that still surprises me.
Maybe because I still can't let go of the notion that my ex is a good person inside somewhere.  I can at times look at him and totally see a psychopath (which actually scares the crap out of me) and yet still other times sometimes (not very often anymore) still see the man I fell in love with. 

Btw, love the couchsurfing post.
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VeryFree
Formerly known as 'VeryScared' and 'ABitAnnoyed'
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« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2013, 05:14:38 AM »

It’s never about your feelings. It’s about themselves.
My experiences when a dear one died: she tried to comfort me, but didn’t succeed in that, because it was never about my feelings, but about hers. Although she didn’t really have a r/s with the deceased, she kept talking about all the moments they had together (just a few). I let her, thinking she was really hurt. Didn’t know anything about BPD back then. Didn’t realize my codependency either.
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