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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: How's it going with BPD ex husbands?  (Read 1304 times)
starshine
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: out of r/s w/baby daddy 15 yrs, out of r/s w/N/BPD exbf 2+ yrs
Posts: 172



« Reply #60 on: November 29, 2013, 09:08:19 PM »

starshine, so was he ever successful?

Yes.  He kept me from leaving the state the first time.  He got 50%50 custody the next time.  Got them out of private school and into public the next.  Vaccines came next.  I lose track after that.  Then just came the threats to take me to court.  He terrorized me.  He is very handsome, charming, funny, well spoken.  Also a complete bully a-hole.  I live in a socially conservative part of my state, and he smartly used the lifestyle we lived in together against me when I left him.  He cut his hair, had a bankrolled lawyer, and "became" conservative.  There's a lot of blaming and shaming in the courts- the single mom syndrome that happens when you're "poor".
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CdnSunrise

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« Reply #61 on: November 30, 2013, 03:47:25 PM »

Just wondering: In your experience, if BPDex finds a new r/s does it change how he interacts with you? For better or worse, or status quo?
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starshine
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: out of r/s w/baby daddy 15 yrs, out of r/s w/N/BPD exbf 2+ yrs
Posts: 172



« Reply #62 on: November 30, 2013, 09:56:48 PM »

Just wondering: In your experience, if BPDex finds a new r/s does it change how he interacts with you? For better or worse, or status quo?

If you are asking me, I will tell you my experience.  My ex told me he never intended to be a single dad, and he went out and got a new girlfriend.  He made sure she wasn't going to be my friend by making it clear that we were not supposed to speak with each other when he was not around.  Then he went on and married her, and continued to defame my character to her. She supported him in all his shenanigans taking me to court.  It gave him a lot of power, along with the lawyer- she was a bulldog.  And the courts favored the married couple repeatedly taking the single mom to court.  He looked great on paper. Although I will say he never won full custody from the court.  Eventually both of my children chose to live at their father's house, even though they complain about the dysfunction.   In the end D19 joined the military rather than stay living with her dad and step mom.  S18 is hoping to go away to college.
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momtara
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #63 on: December 01, 2013, 07:03:46 AM »

That's a shame.  Why did the kids choose to live with him?  Unfortunately, a manipulative person is going to manipulate the kids. 

I always think of how my brother and I said we wanted to live with my mom when my parents split up.  My mom was bipolar and never cleaned the house and had us living in cars, and used to take my brother to unnecessary doctors' appointments.  We were never in any real danger, but my dad was a more stable parent. Yet, my mom was emotionally needy and we knew that my dad could take being apart from us, while my mom couldn't.  So we generally sided with her.

I guess that is a danger of divorcing these folks, that they will just manipulate the kids. 
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letmeout
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 790


« Reply #64 on: December 01, 2013, 12:38:55 PM »

My experience with the ex is that he still thinks he is at war with me, even after all this time. Our sons say to this day he is still obsessed and on a smear campaign trying to convince whoever will listen that I did and said everything that he actually did.

Everyone knew I left because he got dangerously crazy. The fact that he is in another relationship makes no difference. The fact that I gave up everything to get away from him makes no difference. The fact that he 'won' our house and money makes no difference (everything being a competition in the minds of BPDs).

I wonder if him feeling guilty about the past keeps him stuck on our divorce? Do they ruminate and obsess about it forever? More likely its because I exposed him for what he is at the end, that I told everyone everything that was happening in our marriage and he is still trying to alter everyone's memories. 

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momtara
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #65 on: December 01, 2013, 01:43:54 PM »

probably. look at it from his point of view.  he has an illness and it embarrasses him to be wrong or to feel powerless. 
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Kadee

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 34 years
Posts: 43



« Reply #66 on: December 06, 2013, 05:16:36 AM »

My kids are 18 and 22. Neither have contact with their"father", my ustbxBPDh. They have even both started referring to him with his name, not dad.

One of the worst things he ever did was... telling friends at dinner, while the then d16 was sitting across the table... you birthed your children, so you have to take care of them for life, but since we adopted, we're only bound by law until they are 18. WHAT.? We adopted these kids at birth which is neither here or there. I kicked him under the table for all I was worth because I knew where he was going, he'd said it in private to me plenty of times. Later, he accused me of abuse because I had bruised his leg (there was no bruise I could see, other than in our daughters heart).

I am ending a 34 year marriage of this madness. I guess my purpose in waiting this long was to get my kids to adulthood so they didn't have to suffer at his hands without me being there to be the buffer.

And apparently it's worked because his last communication with me (last week) TOLD me to tell the children he would wait to hear from them. I didn't tell them, I'm not his go-between anymore and I told him that. I think he'll be waiting forever to hear from them.

Children are resilient, I hope. D18 is in counseling, s22 won't go. S is gay, which caused a whole lot of other bad reaction from ustbxBPDh when he came out at 14. It's hard to describe how strong this young man is, even with a great deal of self esteem issues.

So, I live each day as I think God would have me live. I try to be a light to my kids, working to morph our relationships to parent-friend. And being successful as they make good adult decisions for themselves.

I'm beginning to see that there can be healing on the other side, but it is taking a great deal of constant effort. We have much to heal from. I am just blessed that they both stick to me. In a way, we are a new family, making new great memories that I hope one day outshine the old bad ones.
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momtara
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #67 on: April 14, 2015, 11:04:50 AM »

Wow, this is where I was at 2 years ago. And I can't say things have gotten much better. Surprisingly, my ex never moved far away and still stays in the kids' lives. He sees them every other weekend. I get scared he could hurt them or himself on purpose and there have been periods when he's been VERY angry at me, and periods where he has seemed fine. I regret not getting a psych eval from the beginning, but lawyers said it might not make a diff. I just didn't know back then all the things I know now.

My ex still wants me back and tries to get together, which makes me nervous because I'm not always sure how to answer. But I have maintained my boundaries and still been kind.

Haven't been able to date yet and a lot of men my age seem creepy or just entitled. Although I would like to have a normal loving relationship someday, whatever that is.

I wish I could say I'm happier now. I still think I did the right thing. Ex still opposes doctors' visits and such for the kids. His suspicious, angry mind is still there. He is still getting counseling. He is great for the kids in small doses. There is still a part of me who thinks if I'd taken him back and he'd stayed in counseling, he might have improved - but I don't know that he would have changed enough for us to be able to coexist peacefully all while making good decisions etc.  Even though I had to divorce him, it's hard to be alone. Not just taking care of the kids alone, just in general. Most people I know have more support than I do. I am making the best of it, though. I keep my boundaries and have gotten us a parenting coordinator (over his objections) and I keep busy with projects and try to keep the kids happy. They seem pretty happy and wonderful, so that's what matters.
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