Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 05:40:21 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Popular books with members
103
Surviving a
Borderline Parent

Emotional Blackmail
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt
When Parents Make
Children Their Partners
Healing the
Shame That Binds You


Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: thoughts of going NC/LC... needing advice, sorry for length  (Read 393 times)
mjh8808
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 197



« on: April 15, 2013, 06:39:13 PM »

Ok, so I know I posted just a few days ago about dealing with grief and counseling. I had a session again today and shared my feelings with her of being stuck. She told me that I am not stuck at all, just in a phase where I need to get emotions out, and that there is lots of emotions built up.

Also this weekend has been a really rough weekend. My cousin came up to spend some time with me, and she told me about some stuff she had been hearing. Her mom is a lot like my mom although they are just SILs not sisters. She said our moms are trying to spread rumors about the both of us at the church that they and my cousin go to (I went to a different church when I lived at home).

Also, I have been out of work for a month due to I had hip surgery the 19th of March. I actually return tomorrow, but money has been supper tight. My mom stayed with me for 2 weeks to "help" although I think I could have managed by myself. My stepdad has always saved money out of his pay and hid it from her. He told m that if I needed money to call him, because she got mad that I was running "low" although I had to pay for things while she was hear that I had not counted on so she could spend her money on cigarettes. Well this past Thursday I texted my stepdad and asked for some money. He was outside and called me and asked me how much I needed. He did not know she was outside in her tent where she smokes and she heard him. She freaked! One because she found out that he was hiding money but also because I went to him and not her. She texted me these horrible texts that night and I have now received the silent treatment.

In counseling I have been going through how I feel about both of my parents lack of ability to be a parent. My real dad came back in my life 3 years ago after being gone for 6 years and being abusive before that. Now he is right back to being inconsistent and not being heard from. I feel very much unloved by the both of them. Today though I voiced some of my deepest emotions that I had not even allowed myself to entertain. I don't feel like I can act like everything is okay anymore, I am realizing that emotionally I am a wreck. My T has tried to teach me how to detach, but it has not worked. I cannot have a relationship with someone while not caring that they cannot reciprocate. I told her today that maybe it would just be easier to give up on the both of them and distance myself.

but I don't know if I can do it. One I know that my stepdad would hate me because even though he knows how she is, he would no understand. Then the stigma of you are suppose to love your parents... .  

for some of you who have went LC/NC, what were your emotions and how did you deal with it? Any advice?
Logged
GeekyGirl
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2815



« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2013, 06:23:24 AM »

You're doing some good work in T, although I know it's tough.

Today though I voiced some of my deepest emotions that I had not even allowed myself to entertain. I don't feel like I can act like everything is okay anymore, I am realizing that emotionally I am a wreck. My T has tried to teach me how to detach, but it has not worked. I cannot have a relationship with someone while not caring that they cannot reciprocate. I told her today that maybe it would just be easier to give up on the both of them and distance myself.

What have you tried so far to help you to detatch? It's understandable that you don't want to pretend that everything is ok when it's not. That makes a lot of sense. Do you feel like you need a break from your mother and a little distance, or do you feel that NC is the only way you'll be able to work through these emotions?

I've been enmeshed,  NC and LC with my parents and now I'm LC with strong boundaries. Honestly, NC was tougher--I was angrier and more fixated on my parents, believe it or not, than I am now. Everyone's situation is different, though.

Keep getting those emotions out! In the long run, the work you're doing will pay off.
Logged

mjh8808
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 197



« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2013, 02:33:47 PM »

Thank you, that's what I keep telling myself

Well I moved out from with her and to college. Then I've been putting up some boundaries and learning to accept that she isn't going to change. I've limited the amount of time we talk... .  

I don't really know, I just know I need space. To be honest, right now I feel like I need NC to move forward but I don't know if I could live with myself... .   I found out that she is still talking about me behind my back and it's been 8 months since I moved. Her SIL is helping her and she is even suggesting that I am having a fling with y cousins husband, which is just sick because he is old enough to be my dad! I just can't trust her, to my face she has been so good -puke-

Logged
ScarletOlive
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 644



WWW
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2013, 02:20:48 PM »

You've been going through a lot of changes, mjh8808. And like GeekyGirl said, you've really been facing some tough steps in T, which is really hard but really rewarding. Also, denigration campaigns are really tough to handle. You know what she's saying about you is false, and it is not your fault. It's important to be honest with yourself, and find out what your needs are in your relationship with them. What do you want out of your relationship?

Sending you lots of caring and support. 
Logged

mjh8808
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 197



« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2013, 12:14:23 PM »

Thank you Scarlet. I have been in touch with my counselor this week through phone and emails. I sat down last night and typed out a letter to my mom. She knows something is up because she started facebook comments and emails. So I sent her the letter on FB and have now deactivated my account. This is the letter I sent her... .   I am feeling slightly sick right now but I know I did the right thing

Mom,

I am writing you because we are both the same in the sense that it is easier for us to write our feelings out than talk them out, Plus I do not feel that we are able to carry on a rational conversation about such emotional issues. I hope that you will always know I love you and honor you as my mom. Sometimes relationships are not healthy and need to be fixed, whether that be by getting help, taking some time apart, or a mix of both. So sometimes we have to do stuff for ourselves that is hard, but needed in order to heal and move forward.  I really thought maybe things had changed since this summer, but I think it was more hoping than reality. I have had to come to accept that our relationship is not healthy and I am choosing to do something about it. I have been in counseling  since I moved up here to Birmingham. I want to become a better person and get past some things that I cannot get past on my own.



I am not going to go into details due to the fact that this is not my biggest issue, but I have heard from multiple people that you have made statements about me and what happened this Summer and how you have felt since I've moved to Birmingham and why I really moved. Eufaula is a small town and you know things get around. I have heard things from multiple people who are not even associated with each other. If this was just a first time event, I might could toss it aside as rumors, but considering this has happened multiple times between us, I cannot ignore the obvious, which is that I cannot trust the false sense of things being okay between us. A relationship has to be built off trust and that is something we simply do not have.



My biggest issues is this... .   I never know from one minute to the next where we stand. Things can go from just fine to total chaos and hurt over the smallest issues. Recent example is this past weekend when I called Daddy because I needed money. I called him because you had already gotten upset because I had spent money. I was trying to avoid an argument, but apparently started one instead. Was it really that big of a deal? Most kids do sometimes go to one parent instead of the other, this is normal. There is many more times stuff like this has happened, but I will not drag every single story out. This past weekend was just a realization point for me that things had not changed. Every relationship has their days or weaknesses, but there is a line that boarders from rough days to dysfunction. Some things that are said cannot be just tossed aside and forgotten. Not saying the past should be held against us, but when there is no real sign of change, then there is nothing for the relationship to stand on. I feel like negativity plays a HUGE role in our relationship and this is a major concern for me. I will be the first to admit that I have struggled with negativity myself, but I feel that it has been a learned flaw. Not saying you are to blame, because I take full account for who I am and who I am becoming. However, what you are around the most is what you become. I do not want to be a negative person anymore.



I have never full addressed your issue with my being close to certain people, namely Nicole and Pastor and his family. I will never be able to explain it to you fully because its something that is felt, not spoken. However, what drew me to them is their positivity. Am I saying they are perfect? NO! Far from it. However, they try to be positive and encouraging. THROUGH their flaws, they have shown me how to overcome things. Plus they have loved me unconditionally and even though we may not agree on everything, they do not speak hurtful words that cannot be taken back. Am I saying I wished God had given them to me as family instead, as you have suggested in the past? No. Everything happens for a reason and I love my family very much. However, God sends people into our lives to show us things and I have learned to embrace that.



Because I love you very much and I have learned that I need to value myself more, I have decided that we cannot continue in the unhealthy cycle we are in now. I would be doing us both wrongly if I allowed it to continue. Mom, I really wish you would look inside yourself and consider getting help. Even if its from your pastors, there is good and affordable help out there. You just have to see the need and want to fix it bad enough. If you do not see the need, then there is nothing I can do more to change this. A need is not always a bad thing, everyone has needs. However, it is what we choose to do with it that counts. So I am going to do the best that I know to do, and set up some healthy boundaries between us that hopefully in the end will maybe make us closer.



I think we both need our space, I know I do personally. Sometimes people need space to heal and think about stuff. So I have decided that once a month phone calls, unless there is an emergency, would be adequate for us. I know it is going to be tempting to do more, especially after you receive this letter because I know its going to hurt. I wish it didn't have too, but sometimes the right thing hurts. Trust me, I have been praying about this and searching myself for a while now. This is not a rash decision. So if you do call/text/facebook, I will not answer it unless you text to say its an emergency or daddy/nanny calls. WHEN we do talk once a month, I NEED for it to be positive and uplifting for us both. I want you to know what is happening in my life and me in yours. However, I do not want to hear negativity.



I will not be able to come home this summer except for maybe Lindsay's wedding due to the fact that I will have lots going on in my own life. We shall see how things go from here. I do not want this to have to be a permanent thing. Like I said, I am creating distance so that maybe one day we can be close. Please consider what I said about counseling. Not just talking about what I decided, but issues you see with yourself. It is a GOOD thing to acknowledge we have flaws and need help. We can only become strong once admitting our weaknesses. If you would seriously consider getting counseling and need help, email me back and let me know, I will research and find some possible options. But the rest is up to you.


I do want to thank you for coming up here and staying with me for the two weeks after my surgery. It was a great relief knowing that you knew what to do. I love you and so thankful that you are my mom.



Again, I DO love you, even if you don't think so right now.

Love, your Daughter

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!