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Think About It... Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time...~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent
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Author Topic: Secrets, lies and devious behavior  (Read 2789 times)
murph33


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« on: May 16, 2013, 09:25:13 AM »

How do you address a BPD (my husband) who lies about so much, has multiple Facebook accounts he thinks I don't know about and the one I do know about he blocks off his list of friends so I can no longer see who hes in contact with. He has a history of porn addiction and calling chatline,s possibly affairs. How do I approach him on this, what would a boundary on this look like. Normally when I do address him no matter how well I put it its a trigger and he rages. We are married for 6 years and he keeps everything from me such as bank accounts, debts etc. I don't trust him at all (why would I) but I do need to know how to bring this up and set a boundary? If I'm expected to be all open and above board then he needs to have that standard also whether BPD or not, that's my opinion. I have not tolerated it in the past but led to Hugh arguments, whats healthy when your dealing with a person with mental issues? what would a conversation look like with this issue in mind?
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House of Mirrors


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« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2013, 09:33:20 AM »

Can I just say I don't have the answer to this but relate to the whole 'sex addiction' thing which has caused major problems in our relationship. He has a history of talking to other women online and who knows what else?

I just also wondered how common this is and how it can be dealt with. Especially when the person in question will lie, lie and lie again about this behaviour and appear very plausable and rational about it - explaining it away, gaslighting, lying to your face etc. etc. And when confronted of course the RAGE and tell you how dare you SPY on them - like you are to blame!

It destroys trust and they know this yet they still do it. We have to be perfect and trustworthy but they can do what they want with whom they want and IT IS NOT OK!

I feel your pain Murph 33. sad
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In the House of Mirrors there are many distortions - which is the true reflection?
murph33


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« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2013, 09:53:31 AM »

Thank you for your response HoM, these are all very good questions and issues that are going on since I discovered his "other life style", the laughable thing is he says HE doesn't trust me (which I know now is typical behavior for BPD) and wants to build trust into our marriage. I have a feeling this is very common behavior. Obviously boundaries are necessary for sure but my question is how to present it to them when you know the usual carry on that normally follows. They don't like any attention on them like this and normally projects it right back onto me. Will be interested to hear responses on this.
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almost789
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« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2013, 02:04:28 PM »

Hi

I can relate to this. Sex addiction (porn addiction) is sometimes common in BPD people. Lying is as well. My friend with BPD has both of these issues. I don't mean to be pessimistic just truthful. I'll just say that in my experience if these are the types of acting out behaviors your pwBPD has they don't change when you make them a boundary for you. Whatever form of acting out an untreated dysregulated BPD has is usually beyond their control. It is part of their illness, it doesn't go away because you get tough on them and make it a boundary for you. Just like any addiction it doesn't stop because loved ones' state things like " i will not be in a relationship with someone who has a porn addiction" When you set that boundary, you must realize that their behavior will likely not stop. You then have to make the choice, will you live with this, or will you leave if that is you boundary. If your not ready for that, then the boundary will only create more stress for both you and the person with BPD. The better results come from the person with BPD undergoing treatment for their BPD if they are willing.   

Yes, they do have a double standard too. They want you to be all that perfect but they can't manage it themselves.
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murph33


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« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2013, 08:52:24 PM »

Hi summer,
Thanks for your response. My question is why bother with boundaries if there not going to make a difference, be respected and honored. So what your basically saying is that unless the person with BPD is in therapy there's no point! Ive had alcoholics in my family and I did set boundaries, no it didn't stop them drinking but however it did protect me in the sense if they were rude or disrespectful I removed myself from the firing line and left the room for example. Boundaries are there to protect the person who is establishing the boundary.The addicts in my family never did recover but I was able to still have a decent enough relationship with them because I was in al-anon learning how to deal with it. I like to look for the hope in every situation and like to feel I have options or alternatives to what would be a very dismal dilemma without them.
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murph33


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« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2013, 08:55:21 PM »

I thought this subject would be typical BPD behavior that would bring more responses in terms of gaining clarity and direction. I'm surprised that there is not and I'm wondering why?
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martillo
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« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2013, 10:30:42 PM »

I deal with similar issues although I pay the bills and manage the bank account.  I don't have any good answers.  I would just make sure you have some accounts of your own so you are not dependent on H.  As far as the lies, if I call my H out he can talk faster and put such a spin on things that I end up feeling like it is my fault.  We have been married almost 21 years and I am reaching a point where I am ready to live in truth, so not sure what that will look like.
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murph33


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« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2013, 11:01:33 PM »

Hi Martillo,

It seems to be common behavior for the BPD. Yes when I confront about the lies he normally tries to project it onto me well now I'm the liar, or gets so angry and just walks out. It's tirsome really, it's so far from normal, how do people put up with or live with a BPD who is not in recovery. A big part of me thinks this is so not what I signed up for when I got married and I fell duped into a marriage that shortly after we moved in together turned into a living nightmare!
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #8 on: May 17, 2013, 05:17:48 AM »

A lifetime of covering up unacceptable behavior means this is their ingrained normality. It is their nature to naturally slip into it. If the RS is managed so nothing much phases you, or gets you offside that will lesson it. But it will always be there ready to put to use if they feel the need to, or sometimes like an old habit they cant kick.

It can be their comfort blanket. They dont want people to know everything about them, so even harmless trivial stuff is hidden, just for comforts sake.

I choose neither to believe nor disbelieve, treating everything as interesting and take it on face value, but would never make any important decisions based on what they say or do to be the absolute truth. Too much suspicion can make you sick
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
almost789
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« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2013, 05:26:30 AM »

Hi Murph,

Exactly, it's not a boundary if you make the boundary, it is not respected or honored and then you continue in the relationship. That is not a boundary. A boundary is that you decide what your limits (boundaries) are and if they are not respected or honered you follow through with your action. I believe in boundaries, I have lots of them. I'm just saying that you have to be realistic. I don't know what type of boundaries you want to make. Transparency in the finances would be a good one, but thats your personal choice. But requesting an addict to stop their addiction without any treatment is unrealistic. Now, asking them to stop their addiction or you leave is fine if that's what you want. But be ready to enforce that boundary if he doesn't stop. Are you ready to end the relationship? Because again, addicts don't stop their behavior because of your boundary. Sex addiction is extremely difficult situation, but has it's roots in the underlying issues in many cases BPD. I guess what I am saying is that YOU have to determine your boudaries. What are they? Once you determine what they are then you can better decide how to approach it.
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