Don't call me - i don't want to talk to you

[moonunit]

This is what my SO has said to me  a few times today - we are in a heated argument, so do i comply with her request and not bother to call -

I have in the past only to face, well, i guess you really don't care because if you did you would call and apologize to me for what you said and did - so i guess i know how you feel about me and my family  -

If i call then she says, oh your a liar because you said you would not call, i know this is their game, its a no win -

so what do i do, as i am about to lose my mind ! 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

When my husband does this - I do something to let him know that I love him (message or something) and let him know that I will be home at X time... . or I will call back at X time (make sure you do) and then I let him have his space. 

It helps me exit from the cycle of craziness without him feeling completely abandoned or uncared for by me. 

Its the only way to stop the game for me.

[moonunit]

That doesn't work with her, in fact she has called me 3 x since i wrote this, i called back and she said " oh so your calling, you #2$#% liar "

Evidently she is the only person on the face of the planet that is allowed to be under the influence of stress, i am supposed to remember every single word she says to me and let me tell you i would have to be an encyclopedia to remember the amount that she says to me in  a day.

I am so sick of this game, i am so sick of this relationship or whatever the heck it is, i just want it to end !   

[cal644]

I get that constantly from my stbexw - don't call me, text me, or email me ever again.  I always comply - then give it 1/2 hour or a day or 2 and she always texts, emails, never calls - I don't know why she just can't leave me be.  She has even contacted  her attorney about how much I texted her in the past (funny part is I never once sent the first text but rely to her texts).  Remember they are ill - and I see that more and more each day.

[allibaba]

She's got you playing the game. 

Tell her that you have to go to a meeting/ appt or something and that you won't be available until X time and at that time you will call.  Its a boundary for your sanity not to get caught up in this.  The likelihood is that when you are unavailable then there will be an extinction burst (like a toddler who isn't getting their way)... . but if you want to put an end to the cycle its what you have to do.  Put down the boundary and stop playing the game.

Last time that my husband did this with me... . I was with my dad who is very sick.  I rarely see him.  I sent him a message saying "I'm really sorry and I love you very much but I need to spend this time with my dad."  Oh my gosh the backlash was horrible.  He was sending me messages saying that he never wanted to see me again... . that he wanted a divorce.  The reality was that he got stressed and wanted to use me as the normal crutch.  Its your choice.  Do you want to be that crutch?  In the end, my husband was a million times better.  Its like not catering to a spoiled child.

[briefcase]

We know your frustration with this moonunit, we really do.  If she says don't call, then don't call.

I treat these kinds of requests as boundary requests from my wife, even if she seems to be saying it only for effect.  Eventually, they realize you are taking what they say literally and it does cut down on the gamesmanship.   

If she calls you and starts calling you names, then you end the call and tell her you will talk to her later when things are more calm.  Those are your boundaries! 

[DarkCurls54]

Have to say... . I never took the bait!  When he said not to call or to go away... . I DID... .   and that just got him more upset & feeling abandoned because - sigh - he may have "meant it AT THE TIME," but he didn't MEAN IT! 

So - since he is also a very stubborn person, he would NEV-ERRRRRR call or write to ME.  But he has this odd way of leaving "messages" for me on his facebook page by making his comments public so I can read them.

I. Am. Shaking. My. Head... .  

If it wasn't so SAD, it would be hilarious. 

I have to admit, it became somewhat of a game with me, so I have had to discipline myself not to peak at his postings.  I allow myself once a week IF I am missing The Person I Thought He Was & Cannot Believe He Is Not.  I also cut my exposure to anyone that the two of us know in common.

I am learning that Love does not mean Relationship.

[allibaba]

And thank you briefcase... . its because of people like you (teaching me boundaries) that I am for the first time in 7 years... . I am seeing sanity in my relationship. 

[qkslvrgirl]

DarkCurls: ... . I am missing The Person I Thought He Was & Cannot Believe He Is Not... . I am learning that Love does not mean Relationship.

Well-said, DC! And even after being married, there can be practically no relationship or love. HOWEVER, if you can become happy with maintaining your boundaries - and even teach them that they have a right to boundaries, also, then there can be some growth.

After you stop dancing the co-dependent dance - there is unbelievable freedom to truly find yourself and live your life.

To me, that is the reality (beauty?) of a relationship with a pwBPD: You are forced to find yourself without all your emotional baggage. Life becomes authentic for YOU once you can see clearly what your BPD is struggling with and trying to rope you into their rather scary world.

There should be more and more good moments over time.

Quicksilver Girl 

[moonunit]

Thanks for all your comments - i am totally exhausted today, yesterday took all my energy.

I made some really stupid/hurtful/cruel comments and i feel terrrible about them, unfortunately i cannot take them back, life lesson i guess.

I take each of these encounters as a learning lesson, sometimes i learn alot and sometimes i learn very little, but i still learn.

Its funny, when we fight my SO can say the worst things and the next days simply says, well i didn't mean it we were fighting, yet every single word i say is thrown back in my face, and she says, well you said it so you must mean it, blatant double standard.

I can't even begin to list all the issues my SO suffers from, i just have to learn to not take them on as my issues, i find this to be quite a problem. Thank you all for your comments, i will struggle along as usual now.   

[qkslvrgirl]

Hang in there, Moonunit: You are learning how to stand up for yourself, even if you make mistakes that we all do.

But here's the break-through: You are now totally aware that engaging in an argument with a BPD is not satisfying to you in the long run.

Be aware that BPDs often engage in fights just to suck the life out of you - a lotappieness like in the Harry Potter movies. It is possible to negotiate the rapids by observing the transaction and only speaking the truth. You don't have to argue.

I had one of these delightful encounters today - my H has been dysregulated for about two weeks - and it ended up with him inviting me out to dinner after work. I will go and enjoy the meal and not expect miracles.

You are on the right path... . keep looking where you step and proceed.

[Chosen]

What I'm trying to learn in these days: if he says don't call, take it at face value.

My H would be like your SO- asking me not to find him, then continue to harrass me.  And I would fall into trap.  Now, if he says not to contact him, I don't, and if he gets angry, I will just say "yes I thought you told me not to call?"  He would still be angry but he wouldn't be able to say anything against that.

I think a lot of times when they are doing this is when they are completely dysregulated.  They want you there because of comfort and familiarity, but they also want you there so they can lash our their emotions on you.  Ok, so you're doomed if you do, and doomed if you don't.  Nothing you do right now will make things better.  So it's better not to call, give you both some space, and perhaps only respond when he calls you (so he knows you are there).  Won't change things overnight, but at least you get a little bit of peace... .  

[moonunit]

Thanks for the responses.

Last night we spoke about what happened, what was said and the reactions.

She apologized for her part which i did for mine also, as we were both out of line.

I let her express her emotions without judging her or defending myself against them, I thanked her for telling me about them in a somewhat calm manner. She had her flareups but i did not take the bait.

I told her that if/when this type of interaction happens again, and i know it will, i said i will simply not respond to her words etc and will step back and calm myself down. I told her that i cannot stop the way she feels nor do i want to, however when it gets too heated i am going to take a break for the benefit of both of us. She was somewhat agreeable, kinda hesitant. I pointed out that we were having a relatively good discussion the day after and that has been the way lately. She agreed, before i left her place last night she thanked me for talking about what was upsetting to her and for me listening to her. She is still a bit off centre today, and i suspect that will continue for a few days as she is crazy tired . Hope the weekend is a nice one !