My birthday is next week... what should I expect?

[Ahhhh431]

Hey guys, so I know most of you have experienced birthdays since your breaks up with your ex pwBPD and I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I haven't had contact with my ex for about a month now and the last time we talked was when she got confronted by me, and our mutual mentors and she was found out about her lying/manipulative ways. The end of the confrontation resulted in her agreeing to go to counseling. I haven't talked to her since. But 2 months ago she called and was "in love" with me still, calling me baby, wondering if we had a future together and asking if I was pursuing anyone else (she continually asked me during the 4 hour phone conversation and would not be satisfied until I answered... . ). Mind you, this was while she was seeing a new guy but she said they were "just friends"

Anyways I expect she probably will not contact me as our mentors told us no contact was best and that if she text me or calls me I should run (this was said in front of her)... . This did not stop her from texting me immediately after the meeting to say "thank you for what you did today" -- not sure if this was genuine or not.

So that being said I am not expecting her to call or text me for my birthday, but I know part of me is hoping she will, and part of me will be disappointed when she doesn't. She was my closest friend for a year and I loved her very much. To be honest I know she is not good for me but she is still the person I would choose to spend my birthday with. That's so weird. Lol I guess that's the difference between me and her. Even in the hurt she gave me, I still love her and care about her. That's the difference in our "love" -- I allowed her to make mistakes in a safe environment called unconditional love. Somewhere I was never allowed to go in hurt heart. I don't know. How did you deal with the birthday call or lack thereof? I know I'm telling myself I don't care but deep down I do, and I hate trying to deny that it doesn't effect me... .

[Cocoalover]

Its hard to think that  they dont not  see, think, feel the way we  feel, or how much they mean every single word they says! lets say she will contact you and she would be the person who would make  you feel the way never been that much happier  before, but from what you have experienced, what would you expect after?

what im trying to say is, no one can tell whats the best way to deal with our emotional pain, how to get this magic cure which would make life wonderful with our loved one in a blink of an eye. just do what it feels right for you to do.

from reading your posts i could see that your still hopeful for things to work out between you two! i tried every single possible way you can ever imagine of to make it work with my ex... . if you think its worth trying then do it to the point you can make it or break it for good. nothing is worth than the the fear we have held inside us.

life is meaningful when theres meaning in our conection to whos aroung us. people on here have very bad experiences in events like birthday, anniversary etc... . the problem is with disorder nothing last not just good ones, the bad ones as well, thats what make us dance in these disfunctional relationships. your hopeful for a good news someone here tells you how she will contact you. personally i want her contact you and say what you want, eager to hear, and i want you to tell me this good news and ill have hope myself that things for me would work too... . i know im rumbbling and have no answer for you but i have for myself, but any of us on this board on different page of detaching. so do what feels right for you to do. either way you will get to the point which makes you feel more peaceful than your now... .

from now from me Happy Birthday 

[Validation78]

Hey Ahhhh!

It's so hard to accept that a person who we thought loved us could seemingly toss us aside and forget about what we had, and what we hoped to be together. The saddest part is that BPD makes our loved ones behave in ways that we nons, unless we educate ourselves about the disorder, just can't understand. Once we learn more, we still may not quite understand, however, we can learn to accept the disorder for what it is. It doesn't make it hurt less, it helps us to explain, and move on.

One healthy life practice we talk about on the site is mindfulness which is a focus on living in the present moment. It's hard not to worry about the possibilities, what someone may or may not do. Just remember, we do not know what the future will bring, and if we focus on that instead of ourselves in the present, we may be missing something good right here and now!

I wish you a happy birthday. May the year ahead be filled with peace and joy!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[danley]

Everybody is different.  She might contact you and she may not. For three years my ex and I treated birthdays as something special. This last birthday, which was a month after we broke up, he just nonchalantly told me happy birthday. He acted like he suddenly remembered it was my birthday. I was thankful for the birthday wish but it did feel sad that it wasn't the same like previous years. It would be nice if your ex at least told you happy birthday but I would just play it by ear. I forced myself to celebrate with family and friends to distract from missing my ex on my birthday. Perhaps this type of distraction will help you on your birthday too.

[xenia]

Hi Ahhhh!

Since the two of you were advised to go NC, if I were in your shoes, I'd resign myself to not receiving acknowledgement on my birthday. Maybe it will help you to frame it under the NC rule? Because although it will be nice for her to send you a greeting, technically the two of your are not communicating, so she wouldn't be remiss to ignore it.

But I understand how hurtful this is, and I wouldn't dare tell you not to be upset or hurt if you don't hear from her. My birthday is a week before my suspected BPD friend, and knowing her past behavior, I had a feeling she would not acknowledge it. She didn't, and I was hurt, but not as hurt as I would have been had I not prepared myself. And I honestly don't think my friend was being intentionally hurtful. It's that I was usually the one to reach out if we hadn't been in contact for an extended period, and it's likely that she didn't want to put herself out there to be rejected. Who knows. Even though I didn't hear from my friend on my birthday, I acknowledged hers the following week, for a couple of reasons:

1) Sending holiday greetings to loved ones really makes me happy, and I didn't want to allow her behavior to change that. I *did* struggle with whether or not I'd contact her, but I decided that letting her birthday pass w/o acknowledgement would be a reaction to her, and I'd had enough of that.

2) I used it as an opportunity for closure. She was celebrating a milestone year, so I made sure to say everything I wanted on the (very likely) chance she wouldn't respond. She didn't, and it hurt, but I could walk away with a clear mind.

You are the one who's familiar with your ex's behavior, so keep that in mind. My last couple of birthdays have been unhappy ones due to my expectations. It's a tough thing to deal with, because most people want to feel loved on their birthday. Some of the best feelings I've gotten on birthdays came from those unexpected greetings from people you didn't think knew or cared about your birthday. I think "unexpected" is key here. Don't try to convince yourself that you don't care when you do. It's okay to care. Just try to manage your expectations.