BPh gets upset if my kids bring up their dad in conversation

[sjm7411]

I have a question about whether this is normal guy behavior or more BPD stuff.  I am taking a leap and going with my BPh, my 2 kids (19 & 17 years old) and my father on a weekend trip to Gettysburg.  I can already tell he is getting anxious about it, and is starting to come up with scenarios in his head of things that will upset him, which always happens.  He said last night that he doesn't want my kids to "go down memory lane" about vacations that we took as a family in my first marriage. He said it's rude and inconsiderate for them to say "remember when we did such-and-such with Dad" in front of him, and thinks they do it on purpose to push his buttons.  I don't think they are trying to push his buttons at all - they just aren't thinking that it might upset him.  But he insists that I tell them to stop talking about their Dad in front of him and paints me black if I don't.  I asked one of my girlfriends about this and she couldn't believe it - said he shouldn't be bothered by it, is being insecure and paranoid and I should tell him to chill out.  Well, obviously I know telling him to chill out isn't validating so I won't do that - in the past I've told him he's overreacting and that hasn't gone over well.  It doesn't bother me at all when his daughter talks about her mother in front of me.  It's frustrating that he is so sensitive about these things, but I am wondering if it's just a guy thing and most guys wouldn't want to hear about their wife's past life while on vacation.  I don't want to blame everything on BPD and sometimes I just don't know what's normal and what's not.  

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[tuum est61]

... . is being insecure and paranoid and I should tell him to chill out.  Well, obviously I know telling him to chill out isn't validating so I won't do that - in the past I've told him he's overreacting and that hasn't gone over well.  

Hi sjm,

I don't know how common this is but it fits my situation to a "T"  My 3 daughters (21, 20, 15) nor I, can reference anything from their past with their mother without it causing major dysregulation in my uBPDw. They - and I - long ago stopped making any reference.  Any contact she hears that they have with with their mother also causes dysregulation - yet she will ask me frequently about what they are or arent doing with their mother.   I have absolutely no contact with my daughters mother, although I am accused of attending events with her and my girls - and also get accused of sleeping with her!

You know, notwithstanding you say it doesn't bother you for him to talk about his past, it probably does a bit.   The thing is, because you are emotionally well adjusted, you let that feeling go quickly.  There's a saying about us "all being a little bit BPD, but a person with BPD is much more so."  You say you don't want to blame this on BPD, but making an issue about this is a very BPD like thing.  

It is actually positive that your H can still go to do things with your family - it is such a struggle for my W that she simply won't visit my parents - although I still have hope that it can be turned around.  

Despite your gf's comments, your H's feelings about this are real - paranoid or not.  But you don't have to, and shouldn't tell your kids,  to stop talking about memory lane - although it would seem they might get that it would be better to hold back on it - since they see how it causes hm to feel.   We don't need to walk on eggshells around our pwBPD, but all of us us eventually learn that avoiding stomping on them is definitely recommended.

If he brings up his memory lane concerns again, I would try to use some SET.  

Support:  "I want you to have a good time on this trip. I am happy you are going."  

Empathy: "I know that when the kids bring up the past it bothers you.  

Truth:  They are likely will do so again in the future - and maybe on this trip.  You will have to decide whether you still want to go."  

And then be prepared to lather, rinse, repeat.  

[Grey Kitty]

tuum est61 hit this one just right, but I've got one thing to add:

If your H is bothered by hearing your children mention their father, it isn't your job to stop them. It is his job to ask them not to mention it.

Training other people to walk on eggshells is worse than just doing it yourself!

But he insists that I tell them to stop talking about their Dad in front of him and paints me black if I don't.

You can't stop him from painting you black. All you can do is refuse to accept all the emotional garbage he tries to dump on you when he does. Yes it does suck.