Difficulty planning "dates" with my partner with BPD

[connect]

Hi guys,

I have problems arranging dates with my BPD bf. He seems to be able to make plans with others more easily then with me.

I like to know when we will be seeing each other next and I have expressed this to him but the situation remains the same. Not having definate dates arranged leaves me feeling unsettled.

We see each other a lot in the week but I am frequently the one who makes the plans and initiates them. I think this may be due to him not knowing how he will feel from one day to the next (ie if he will be in a low mood on that day or wanting to be in his "cave" I believe this is why he likes to decide on the day. He seems to find it easier to plan when we wont see each other (the two set days he has each week when he sees his friends)

We have been having some good times so its not due to our r/s - it just seems to be how he is. It would help me a lot to resolve this as the unsettled feeling I could do without and I want to be as relaxed as possible.

Any ideas how I can achieve this planning for the next date without triggering a "trapped / controlled" feeling in him?

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[bruceli]

Trying to figurenout this one for years... . as the relationship goes on you are no longer a priority and more of an option from what I have gathered from my PDw.

[123Phoebe]

Any ideas how I can achieve this planning for the next date without triggering a "trapped / controlled" feeling in him?

By letting go... .

Make your own plans... .

Live YOUR life... .

Once I started doing this, really living it, he started making more 'plans' with me.  He has a better idea of what it is I truly like, when I figured it out myself.  He fits into my life, as opposed to working and finagling my life around his.

Do you have an ultimate relationship goal you're trying to achieve? 

I don't know how old you are; do you want a family eventually?  Do you want to get married?  Do you travel?  What are your hobbies?

These are things to think about and cultivate, not necessarily answer right now.

By any chance are you the one who's feeling trapped and controlled? 

I found that I felt trapped and controlled, not by him, but by my own expectations... .    

[MaybeSo]

Attachment issues are problematic with our closest attachments.

You are a close (intimate) attachment. You are by definition a problem (trigger) for him.

Executive functioning (which includes planning) can be compromised with BPD anyway; combine that with plans/commitments to show up with a trigger... .

And you get what you are experiencing.

So,

1-make plans for yourself and firmly ask for a commitment if you need it for a plan you

have in mind that you want him to be part of. If he can't commit take his hesitation as  a

"no" and carry on or make alternate plans that do not involve him.

2-make plans that do not require or involve him as a matter of course anyway... . it is

important to have other interests and plans outside of the r/s anyway... . even  if he were a

good planner/good at commitment. This makes you happier and more interesting, and that's

important.

3-Keep calm and carry on.

(or find a dreamy guy that has less "attachment issues" ... . that's  always another option,

too!)   

[connect]

Thanks for the replies on this x

Phoebe - In answer to your questions -  my r/s goal is to have a strong r/s. I would like to work more on my hobby/side interest (unfortunately money is an issue here atm but its an aim) I do things with other people but probably not as much as I should.

Yes, I relate to the controlling comment - I think I do feel controlled by my own expectations. Bizarre but true - letting go of those expectations would help.

Maybeso - Thanks  - Yes I think I will take the lead more on firming up arrangements. Some of the arrangements I do attempt to make are specifically for a friend of mine to meet him. He has been resistant to this twice and yet we will go and visit his friends on the same day... .

I have booked some time off to coincide with his time off with his child, taking the lead here and saying this is what I wanted to do  - this will be an interesting test of planning things - if he doesnt want to plan then i will still enjoy my time off

Onwards and upwards... .

[Foreverhopefull]

I "plan" things without putting a deadline as much as possible.

If i do have a specific date, I make sure it's something that he won't miss for the world (i.e. I got us tickets to see KISS, I know he's a die hard fan, so he will do everything in his power (even have an extra session with T before the concert) to be there.)

If he mentions something he would like to do, I try to jump on the occasion and make an open date.

The hardest part is not losing your cool and composure when they cancel. I started to leave the house anyway to do anything else when he cancels, that way I don't feel "cheated". If we were to go for diner, then I ask someone to come for diner.

[daylily]

This is a huge issue and has been the subject of many of my previous posts.  Planning and decision making with my uBPDh is nearly impossible.  I have to give him A LOT of time to decide on things, and then I have to leave plans somewhat open because he will frequently cancel.  I find myself rsvp'ing "maybe" to everything, and then many times we won't show up.  It's flaky and embarrassing, but that's just the life I've chosen.  As UFN says, you can't get a duck to bark.   

At least if you make your own plans (or maybe back-up plans), you're not waiting around for him all the time.  Then if he can make it, great, if not, you're not missing out on a fun time.

  Daylily

[Chosen]

I have tried doing it many ways:

1. make all the plans- he says I don't involve him and he's just living the life I want him to.  So I... .

2. don't make any plans and let him make them- he either doesn't make them or he accuses me of never initiating anything.  Ok then... .

3. discuss with him.  Discussion is not really possible with him.  It ends with him being dysregulated a lot of times.

Now I try to do a balance of all these things, and still it's very hard to plan anything with him.  But then I also have backup plans now, so at least if the plans with him fall through, it's not all entirely lost.

[daylily]

I have tried doing it many ways:

1. make all the plans- he says I don't involve him and he's just living the life I want him to.  So I... .

2. don't make any plans and let him make them- he either doesn't make them or he accuses me of never initiating anything.  Ok then... .

3. discuss with him.  Discussion is not really possible with him.  It ends with him being dysregulated a lot of times.

Now I try to do a balance of all these things, and still it's very hard to plan anything with him.  But then I also have backup plans now, so at least if the plans with him fall through, it's not all entirely lost.

YES YES YES!  EXACTLY!   

[bruceli]

I have tried doing it many ways:

1. make all the plans- he says I don't involve him and he's just living the life I want him to.  So I... .

2. don't make any plans and let him make them- he either doesn't make them or he accuses me of never initiating anything.  Ok then... .

3. discuss with him.  Discussion is not really possible with him.  It ends with him being dysregulated a lot of times.

Now I try to do a balance of all these things, and still it's very hard to plan anything with him.  But then I also have backup plans now, so at least if the plans with him fall through, it's not all entirely lost.

YES YES YES!  EXACTLY!   

So is the life with a PD, double edged swords and catch 22's.  We never initiate yet when we do we get turned down... . And round and round we go... .

[Grey Kitty]

I'm wondering if you can plan your social life in a way that involves easier to handle questions. I've seen this with a special needs relative, but also heard people mention it here:

"What do you want to eat?" vs "Would you to have pancakes with me?"

If you frame the decision as a simple question with two or perhaps three choices, does that work better?

[daylily]

If you frame the decision as a simple question with two or perhaps three choices, does that work better?

Sounds good in theory, but unfortunately it has not worked so well, at least not for me.  The more choices there are, the more indecisive my H becomes.  He doesn't want to make the wrong decision (or be blamed for making the wrong decision) so it becomes overwhelming.  He wants me to make the decision so he can blame me later if it goes wrong (which he's very good at).  Also, he brought up recently that a "bad" decision that he made wasn't his fault because I gave him the universe of choices from which he was to select, so essentially, all of the choices I gave him were bad choices.  I told him that next time he can do the research and come up with the universe of choices, but (of course) he refused.

Regarding where and what to eat, that is a constant issue at our house.  H gets upset that I don't pick what we're going to eat, but then, once I pick it, he doesn't want it and gets mad that he has to go to more than one place to pick up dinner (if it's take out).

[connect]

Thanks guys - its late here so will write more tomorrow - just wanted to say thanks 

[Chosen]

Regarding where and what to eat, that is a constant issue at our house.  H gets upset that I don't pick what we're going to eat, but then, once I pick it, he doesn't want it and gets mad that he has to go to more than one place to pick up dinner (if it's take out).

I used to have this exact same problem.  Now, what I do is to narrow down the choices for him.  Rather saying I have no opinion at all (usually I don't regarding food.  After all, I eat 3 meals a day.  Plenty of opportunities to try different things.  But it is not the same for him because every decision is very important!), I will probably say "let's have a light meal" or "I prefer pizza" and see what he does next.  Sometimes he will pick something completely different and I will be ok, because he made some choice anyway, and sometimes he will follow my choice.  It's easy to let go of expectation since it's only food, but other things can certainly be an issue.

[eternity75]

OMG I had no idea that planning things or making plans was an issue for BPD's until I read this. I am in a LDR with my bf of 8 months and in the last few days I have figured out he is definitely BPD. Since the very start of our relationship I have been the one planning everything. Every activity we do, every time we will see each other. It's driven me a bit crazy because I feel like he never initiates anything... . even sex... . unless he thinks I'm pulling away then he might initiate just to reel me back in. But he has always told me "You're the boss, you decide". I have told him many times (like when I go to his town) that he needs to "be the boss" and decide what we will do. It's like torture for him. It's almost as if he thinks my opinion of him will change based on whether or not I like the decision he makes. He has no trouble deciding on food usually... . because he loves food... . but actual activities or where to go or whatever is always left up to me. As far as planning when we will see each other... . I have tried to aim for every 2 weeks (I figure that's reasonable given we live 5 hours apart)... . and suddenly he acts as if I am suffocating him. I told him if I didn't plan anything we would never see each other... . which of course is turning out to be true. If I tell him I have plans to do something with someone (eg going camping this weekend with a friend) that's when he'll say "Oh I was thinking I could come see you this weekend but you are busy I guess". That's because he knows I WILL be busy! He pretends like he forgets but his so-called "plans" always get mentioned when he knows I have already made other plans for that weekend. The whole thing is soo frustrating! I just thought it was his own lack of caring anymore... . but interesting that it's actually a known issue with BPD!

[123Phoebe]

Yes, I relate to the controlling comment - I think I do feel controlled by my own expectations. Bizarre but true - letting go of those expectations would help.

Just be careful and mindful that the expectations aren't actually part of your core value system... .  :)on't sell yourself short

There are some things that we as individuals simply cannot deal with.  They cause us stress, make us sick and are toxic to our core being.  Those are the things we are absolutely willing to stand up for and/or possibly walk away from because our self worth is more important than hanging onto a relationship that's unhealthy for us.

Most of the other stuff can be thought of as quirks, once we get the hang of separating our stuff from their stuff and really get busy living lives of our own.

I have booked some time off to coincide with his time off with his child, taking the lead here and saying this is what I wanted to do  - this will be an interesting test of planning things - if he doesnt want to plan then i will still enjoy my time off

Now, you and your guy might be different... .  

If I were to schedule time off to coincide with my guy's time off to spend time with his family, the test of planning would fail miserably.  Why?  Because he's scheduled his time off specifically to spend time with his family... . not me and his family together (me + him + his family = my dream come true! *not*).  And that is A-Ok in my book.  Go ahead, have fun!  It's his family, not mine.   I do not schedule much needed and too few vacation days off to maybe spend time with his family.  I do things that fulfill me.  We are not married.  We're over 40.  The foundation of our relationship is not set in traditional stone.  And I just don't care about that sort of thing.

You might!  Which is great!  It might speak to who you are, at your core.  

I just don't think that you're taking the lead by 'testing' anything here.  I hope that you do have enjoyable fulfilling plans made for yourself   And that his planning or lack thereof doesn't upset you too greatly.

If it does and it's because your core values are being compromised, stand up for what you believe in and mean it.  Really truly mean it.

If you decide that it's a quirk of his having to do with untreated BPD and you find that you're actually enjoying your time off alone and away from the unhealthiness of it, that's fine too.

Meet back up on common turf.

Or he might include you in all kinds of activities with his child... .

Follow your instincts, Connect... .  This is your life  How do you want to live it?