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Author Topic: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left  (Read 1263 times)
blackorchid
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« Reply #30 on: July 09, 2013, 01:36:37 AM »

i hope he realizes sooner than later... .

last night he actually did come on facebook... . asked if ive signed the contract  said have agreed will sign when im back.  he said if im coming back just for him dont come were over etc then told me to delete any photos of us together from my page.  just brilliant when im flying back today
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blackorchid
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« Reply #31 on: July 10, 2013, 05:36:45 AM »

ok so im back now... . not sure what the best thing to do now is... . do i tell him İm back or not? if he finds out through other people will that make the situation worse?  feels pretty misreable being back in the appartment alone.
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arabella
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« Reply #32 on: July 10, 2013, 01:01:16 PM »

Good grief. What a giant doorknob he's being! Let me put it to you this way - if he was really over you and moved on, he wouldn't give a crap about contacting you to tell you to delete pictures. Ridiculous.

I'd send the briefest of messages (text or FB or whatever is usual between the two of you) to let him know you're back. Stick to the facts. All of that other stuff? Don't take the bait. Just the fact that you actually came back will be reassuring (if that's what he's looking for). Then sit back and see what you get (it might take awhile). Remember, you said yourself that it's taken him 3 weeks in the past - and it hasn't been nearly that long yet. Sorry that you're stuck playing the waiting game - it really bites.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #33 on: July 10, 2013, 01:19:16 PM »

yep it really does.  I think its going to be a long couple of weeks made harder by being home and now being here... .

That makes sense about the pictures.  I think he is always looking for a reaction of one kind or another.  And I shouldnt take the bait as that will probably just escalate him further... .

I facebooked him as that was where he last contacted me and just stated that Im back.  I just hope that was the right thing to do.   I guess Ive just got to find things to do to occupy me now which Im starting to think will be harder as this isnt my country and so have less people to count on to meet up and stuff... .
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arabella
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« Reply #34 on: July 10, 2013, 01:26:20 PM »

I think you've pretty much nailed it, blackorchid. Don't start second-guessing yourself, you'll drive yourself mad (I would know) and, fact is, nothing is the 'right thing' when it comes to dealing with a major episode of dysregulation!  You took the most reasonable course of action, so that's what counts.

So now to take care of you. Any new hobbies you always wanted to try? Seriously, I'd love a list of ideas because I'm running out of ways to distract myself here too. Everyone's away for summer holidays and I'm trying to pretend I'm having a good time... .
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blackorchid
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« Reply #35 on: July 10, 2013, 01:43:31 PM »

Its the same here with summer holidays... .  

Hes replied almost straight away saying 'what am I supposed to do?' referring to me being back.  I said I just thought I should let you know.  He has replied that he doesnt care.  I havent responded... .  

Hobbies hmmm I need to start running again or pilates havent done it for a few months... . used to enjoy painting could maybe try that... . seriously need to think along the hobbies line İm at a blank... .
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allibaba
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« Reply #36 on: July 10, 2013, 02:35:00 PM »

So glad to be reading this stuff (sorry guys)... . makes me feel at home. 

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Been over in the undecided forum and the legal forum looking for some answers since my husband blew an emotional gasket a few weeks ago... .   just didn't fit.

but unconditional acceptance and patience feel right whereas me preparing for the battle of my life (what the few friends and family that know want me to do) feels wrong.

I think that I am going to go back to being peaceful and taking care of myself and my dogs and son for a few days... . and going to stop worrying about the future Smiling (click to insert in post)  Thanks for putting me back in a peaceful place.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #37 on: July 10, 2013, 03:00:01 PM »

its always hard talking to friends and family .  mine always feel that Im making excuses and that BPD just doesnt exist. I hope things get better for you
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allibaba
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« Reply #38 on: July 10, 2013, 03:50:23 PM »

They don't get it.  They just believe that it is a standard stereotypical domestic abuse situation.  I can clearly see the mental illness in the behavior.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #39 on: July 10, 2013, 03:53:40 PM »

me too but unless you live with them its hard to see it
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arabella
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« Reply #40 on: July 11, 2013, 01:06:52 PM »

but unconditional acceptance and patience feel right whereas me preparing for the battle of my life (what the few friends and family that know want me to do) feels wrong.

Nice to see you here again allibaba!  I was talking to a lovely woman last night who gave me some advice, I think it's solid, so I'm passing it along here: don't fight yourself. Don't push and pull and struggle to be in a place that you aren't ready for. When the time is right, you will know and, if the time isn't right, all of the struggle in the world will only bring you more hurt. This is the theory I am going with (and what worked for me last time too) - just letting go and waiting to get to the place I need to be, one way or the other.

its always hard talking to friends and family. mine always feel that Im making excuses ... .

This ^. I've seen the same thing mentioned over and over again on the threads here. People don't understand. It's so isolating and it just makes everything harder for us. So I spend a lot of time on here, reassuring myself that I'm not the only one, and looking for support from people who 'get it.' So thanks for being here guys!

As for hobbies, well... . Part of my problem is that I used to do a lot of them with my H. So that's kind of depressing. Ugh. Trying to reclaim my space though. Anyway, here's what I've been doing (maybe something will inspire you - and please add to the list if you can!):

- running

- yoga

- standup paddleboard yoga (SO fun!)

- reading

- pulled out my old paints but I need to buy supplies, some of my tubes got air in them (grr)

- fanatical cleaning of apartment

- self-beautification (if I feel terrible, I might as well at least look good, right? bought fancy shampoo, lotion, nail polish, found a great coupon for laser hair removal, bought cute new underwear, etc)

- baking

- picked up a new part-time job

- started going to CoDA meetings

- found discounted rate plans for calling long distance friends (they aren't here to see the mess, so they are actually more sympathetic and patient)

These next few weeks are going to be a real trial for me though. I'm hoping to find more stuff to do! I desperately need to keep myself calm in order not to make things worse - H is dysregulating at the drop of a hat and it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

Still holding on... .
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allibaba
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« Reply #41 on: July 11, 2013, 02:05:58 PM »

I love your list arabella.

I just got back from the shrink who told me that he actually believes that I have an excellent plan to deal with my situation and that if I had followed the uneducated advise of those around me that I would actually be in far worse a situation and that there would be little hope of getting to where I want to get to.

How about that for self-assurance!  This guy is considered an expert on BPD/NPD/PTSD... .  

Moral of the story is that sometimes you do have to follow your heart and not your head!
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blackorchid
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« Reply #42 on: July 11, 2013, 04:02:35 PM »

Alibaba what is your plan? maybe it can help me... . strange you said your last sentance as  the last piece of advice I got today from a friend was to follow my head and not my heart... .

arabella I love your list of hobbies and thank you.  your messsages always make sense to me Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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arabella
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« Reply #43 on: July 11, 2013, 08:37:13 PM »

I'd like to hear your plan too, allibaba, if you're willing to share! Actually, I haven't been able to find a BPD specialist in my area (that I can afford) so I'd love to know if you got any insight or tips or, well, anything that maybe the rest of us could sponge off... . Smiling (click to insert in post)

blackorchid - well, at least I make sense to somebody! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Frankly, I don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time anymore. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I'm even stringing my sentences together properly (you may notice a lot of 'edit' notes on my posts - haha).

It makes sense to me to mostly follow one's heart. Your heart can convince your head, but it's very rare that your head can convince your heart. Just go with whichever one wins the current debate. If your head ever wins, you'll know it's time to let go.
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allibaba
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« Reply #44 on: July 12, 2013, 04:46:14 AM »

Oh sheesh, the plan... . that would mean that I am probably hijacking your post... . but here's part of my recent story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

In a nutshell, I started enforcing boundaries, separating my stuff from his stuff and essentially finding a healthier life for myself and my son.  Started out great... . limited a lot of our issues... . got closer than ever... . then external stress hit (he's intelligent and well educated and when we relocated to canada started selecting seasonal jobs that were well below his talents... . now he's once again realized that his job cutting grass at a golf course isn't going to fulfill his needs = DUH) and all hell broke lose.  

So as I was enforcing boundaries he became very nasty (felt like I wasn't listening to him).  I believe that things escalated because I had inadvertently taken a very black and white stance on boundary enforcement.  

Those around me in the real world said ENOUGH!  If he doesn't get help then be done and move on!  Problem is that that isn't where my heart is.  Maybe that is the right answer for some but not me and not today.

I shared with the therapist that I believe for him to get help, he needs to be at least at a baseline (medicated for extreme anxiety and working a job that is consistent with his abilities).  Based on his personality and the BPD/NPD/OCD/PTSD mix if I left him today -- he'd just find someone else to suck onto and start the cycle all over -- never getting the help that he needs.  His brother and I know him best and we came to this conclusion together.

1.  I spoke to him about the fact that I hear him that this job isn't going to work for him.  Now what are we going to do about it?  Agreed to apply for jobs and I agreed to help him look, help him submit resumes/ cover letters.

2.  He absolutely needs to be medicated for the anxiety/ aggression.  There is a clear physical issue that is handicapping him.  I got the name of a psychiatrist, have spoken with our family doctor, and have a referral ready.  He is a good friend of the therapist (a psychologist).  I also have the names of three proposed medications on hand... . one has none of the sexual dysfunction sides effects that would make my husband insane (or at least more insane than he already is Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).  My husband will shortly have an appt with our family doctor and I am going to have her bring up the anxiety with him (already having been briefed by me).  I suspect that the floodgates will open - he's very emotional and really struggling and I bet she can convince him that there is a better way to live.  Manipulative I know, but I have tried and failed at all direct routes.

3.  Once he is back on stable ground (yes I realize that this is probably a long shot but gotta try), get him into DBT therapy with the therapist under the guise of PTSD/ or relationship counselling.  The guy is absolutely considered a specialist and he assures me that he has had significant success.

4.  Work on my communication skills with my husband.  He still feels like I don't hear him/ care about him.  Next time things escalate - don't take such a hard stance.  It didn't do any good and he kept upping the ante on me.  I managed to stop the cycle on this last round by simply saying "stop treating me like this.  I don't deserve it."  It acknowledged that I was in pain from the things that he was going and didn't threaten him.

5.  I have already met with a lawyer/ got a separate bank account/ removed overdraft from our joint account so that if he completely flips a NUT I am prepared.  I now understand the local laws and my rights.  I also spoke to the police and have a contact who is prepared to come out here if hubby gets out of control with the sole intended purpose of calming him down.

And that ladies is "the plan."
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allibaba
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« Reply #45 on: July 12, 2013, 05:01:12 AM »

I was going to put step 6 as VODKA... . LOTS OF VODKA  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

but then I realized that someone might think I was serious.  For the record, I don't actually have any vodka! 

But step 6 is TAKE CARE OF SELF.  Regardless of whether my relationship makes it through this horrible, rocky period... . I need to be there for myself... . have lots of plans with friends and family... . keep the house clean and tidy... . cook lots of good meals... . do lots of fun stuff with my little boy.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #46 on: July 12, 2013, 08:42:49 AM »

read  your post alibaba... . so strange thats what he threatened too: to throw our dog out on the street or to me is find a new owner for her.  She to me is also like family and with all the bereavements ive had in the past few years I lost my cool and here I am on my own with her and he walked out.

I would love to be able to speak to a therapist but they dont speak English so thats out. Guess everyone on here is doing that for me atm    Your plan is well thought out and I will definetely use the ideas in it thank you so much Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) 

I just keep having this sinking feeling that hes not coming back and its eating me up.  So pathetic now that everytime my phone or doorbell goes Im hoping its him  :'(
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allibaba
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« Reply #47 on: July 12, 2013, 09:00:14 AM »

Blackorchid,

Its my understanding that BPDs only run permanently if they feel like the relationship is over OR if you totally smother then with codependent attention.  Somewhere in between and they will usually come back.  Have you considered getting a therapist willing to do telephone counselling/ skype counselling?  Its my understanding that that is becoming more popular!  We're good sounding boards but there is nothing like a good therapy session to hash things out.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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arabella
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« Reply #48 on: July 12, 2013, 11:24:19 AM »

I was going to put step 6 as VODKA... . LOTS OF VODKA  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Omg - SO many times I've wanted to just say, "have a drink"! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) But then I thought, no, that's probably not appropriate, someone might not think it was funny (especially if they are coping with alcohol abuse issues). But, dude, sometimes I'm just like, "eff it. I can't win. I'm self-soothing with beer." Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I like your plan, allibaba! Really well thought out, very organized, very constructive. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Now I just need to get my H into a space where he wants things to work out with me.

blackorchid - oh, sweetie, I KNOW!   I have been there. It's so so awful! And even if logically you know that you'll hear from him again, even if everyone tells you he'll be back, there's still that horrible gut-twisting raw feeling that he might be gone forever. And, of course, that's all you can focus on.  I'm going through my own version of that kind of obsessing (don't worry, I won't hijack your thread! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ) Just keep reminding yourself that he's come back before, that he wouldn't keep talking to you if it were really over, etc. It sounds as though he's running out of steam from what you've said thus far... . Keep posting and we'll keep supporting each other!

p.s. My H left me with our furry adoptee too. So weird - I know he loves her, they were really bonded... . I actually take their leaving the pets as a good sign - it means it's not all about us. Obviously there's a bigger problem, with them, if they are willing to abandon the pets, right?
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blackorchid
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« Reply #49 on: July 12, 2013, 11:37:40 AM »

thats a good point about the pets especially as she listens to him more than me... . at least we've got our pets to keep us occupied I find a long walk helps clear my head.  I really hope your situation with your H works out.  He is lucky to have you.


Alibaba thats a good idea about the telephone/skype therapy I'll look into it thank you
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allibaba
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« Reply #50 on: July 12, 2013, 11:42:20 AM »

I know a counselor who was actually getting a degree in telephone/ skype therapy.  Private message me if you me want me to look into what resources she can find!  Her experience with BPD isn't really that strong but she may know someone.
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allibaba
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« Reply #51 on: July 12, 2013, 11:53:16 AM »

Thanks for the laugh humor Arabella... . no, we don't have any alcohol abuse issues in this house (thank God)... . so yes I can joke about that when others might now appreciate it Smiling (click to insert in post)
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casey1099

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« Reply #52 on: July 12, 2013, 02:45:22 PM »

This cycle is so hard! At least one comfort is people on this board understanding what you are going through. There are days I find myself doing so well in handling a mentally ill partner - I say and do everything they say in dbt etc etc... . and the rages lessen, the escalation doesnt happen.

Then, after days and days of her pushing me, testing me... . I blow. Today I blew, reacted, didn't follow the script... . and a full scale episode has ensued. I am am sure there will be a break up, a moving out... . we are out of town, so she will call a taxi to the airport. And again... . I am left wondering; is this worth it? All the incredible good stuff when they are lucid and loving... . but the devastation and chaos when disregulated. Even though I KNOW what to do and can try and be better at it... . is it worth it?

Again, what I certainly have learned is to take of yourself... . and this board is a godsend.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #53 on: July 12, 2013, 03:35:19 PM »

Hi casey1099 this board is definetely a godsend.   I hope youre not too far out of town as being away is making it really hard the past few days since I returned.  I hope that your situation goes better than mine N/C is killing me atm
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blackorchid
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« Reply #54 on: July 13, 2013, 04:05:29 PM »

hmm first contact from him for a few days saying he thought I understood him 
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arabella
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« Reply #55 on: July 13, 2013, 11:11:20 PM »

hmm first contact from him for a few days saying he thought I understood him 

Yup. That would be the beginning of the turnaround. Sort of testing the waters... . checking to see if you'll reject him, or if you're angry, or if you'll still answer. It's really weird and seems to make no sense - random messages out of the blue. Just take it slow but be sure to let him know you're still around. It's a balance between letting them know you still want them without triggering the enmeshment fears or overwhelming them and sending them scurrying back to their hiding spot. (It's totally ridiculous that I have this plotted out, isn't it?)
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blackorchid
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« Reply #56 on: July 14, 2013, 12:34:28 AM »

no its not ridiculous it just shows that you've unfortunetely been there before. I messaged him back.  No response yet.
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allibaba
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« Reply #57 on: July 14, 2013, 07:10:05 AM »

I recognize the behavior too.  That is exactly what my husband does!  Unfortunately I believe that my husband and I are at the end of our road... . and I believe that its time for me to step away   I'll post separately.  The good news is that I have a plan and it doesn't depend on him.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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blackorchid
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« Reply #58 on: July 15, 2013, 03:04:25 PM »

ok hes been in touch again.  He said he was about to get ready to drive back to our house when he got a phonecall from his new team and he is now in pre-season camp for a month.  If he gets a few days off he will come see me. 

Today he has been messaging me all day as though things were normal and nothing happened.  He does seem to have a slight warped version of events that were the cause of his moving out... . me not agreeing to moving to his parents house and putting our dog ahead of him, plus me waiting till the last day (?) to look for an apartment.  He has no recolation (or so he claims) of eg showing me a photo of a girl he claimed to have met the night before he packed and left.  He said she was his new girf.

what is the best thing ı can do now... . answer normally and have a serious talk when ı see him or talk about bounderies etc over the phone.

Alibaba I hope that you are doing ok. Sending lots of   and 
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arabella
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« Reply #59 on: July 15, 2013, 08:17:11 PM »

 

Okay, had to get that out of my system. Sorry. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I wouldn't attempt that sort of conversation over the phone. Too easy to mishear, misread tone, misunderstand, etc. At least in person you'll be able to read him and adjust on the fly.

From what you described before, it sounds like he dissociated. So it's entirely possible that he really doesn't remember things (either they're twisted and/or he's forgotten some of it altogether). Tricky. Because you won't be able to convince him that your version is correct. He fully believes his reality. You will have to deal with that. For example, if he believes you did something to upset him - you can still set a boundary using those 'facts'. i.e. Let him know that it is not okay to just leave you high and dry just because he's upset or there has been a 'misunderstanding'. You might want to sift through some options on here (maybe a new thread?) before you try to tackle things with him.
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