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Author Topic: So saddend and lonesome.  (Read 518 times)
angeldust1
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« on: June 26, 2013, 11:22:56 PM »

I know that most of you are dealing with the crazies of BPD,  and I fell so badly for you, and am sure you wonder how I can feel as I do,  but my son has not spoken or had contact with me in so long,  I almost envy the crazies.  It has been almost a year and a half and he lives 5 miles from me.  I guess some of you wish that you were in my shoes,  but this too is not easy.  I don't death could be any harder than this,    he is out there and I don't know anything about him,  what so ever.

No... . not really,  I don't miss the crazies,  but I just want to hear from him.  Something, anything... . But I also know that the possibility of it being positive is probably none.   The rejection is so painful,   and for what?  I am still wondering.  I have come to many terms in the time since I have last seen him,  but still I miss my child. pwBPD40 single no children,  and basically has lost all hope.  it is so obvious he wants nothing what so ever to do with me.  Other member of the family very little,  and he needs us so much.  But I seem to always get hit the hardest when anything happens.

I will be seeing him at my grandson's BD party next month.  I wonder what  kind of reaction will that elicit?     I hope and pray it will be at least respectful,   but I must be aware it probably won't.  I do know that no matter what,  our Lord says He will be with me through it all,  and that is/should be enough.  I will just hold onto that promise with all my might.

Angeld
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« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2013, 07:17:40 AM »

ad1: I can hear the saddness in post and I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug.  I can't imagine what it must be like to have no contact and the pain you must feel.  I don't wonder at all how you can feel as you do... . I understand it all to well.  My DD18 lives at home but there are times when I look at her and become so sad because I miss her (what you ask). I miss my daughter, the one before all this. 

Do you reach out to him at all? If you do what has happened in the past?  Do the family members that he has limited contact with keep you posted as to how he is doing? 

I am glad you have you faith in the lord to help you.  I envy this.  I lost my faith years ago and have unsuccessfully tried to find it.  Don't lose that faith

Griz
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angeldust1
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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2013, 08:23:57 AM »

Dear Griz,

To answer your questions,  yes,  I do reach out on special occasions.  For  Christmas when he did not show up for anything and we all re-coordinated everything to suit him,  I texted him on Christmas day, Merry Christmas.  Short and sweet,  he did text back Merry Christmas  to you too. I was thrilled!

I was so excited that on New Years Day I felt I'd made a break through,  so I texted a little more,   very up beat, positive text.  Told him how much I loved and missed him.  I got back a "novel" of how sad and lonely and no one cared, about him especially me.  I was told it sure would have been nice to have had a mother all these years.  The knife in my heart bleed for days.  After 20 years of never ever saying how I really felt about how he treats me, and not lying down in the doldrums  I sort of let him have it.   I told him that all of this was his decision,  not mine.  He could have had a family,  if he wanted one.  We are here and he is there,  and wants nothing to do with me.  For something he dreamed up,  imagined,  if you will,   that I did.

I received a blasting text back (which I knew I would). 

Second his sister tries somewhat, she has two small children, husband and a demanding job,   but to very little avail.  She is recovering from cancer and he has only seen her two time in course of her treatment.  His father tells me he treats him the same way but his father has the same disorder,  so what am I to believe?  He is  suppose to be going on vacation with his father his sister & her family and his step mother this week.  He has already show signs of backing out,  I feel reasonably sure he will.  If he goes it will be interesting to see what happens.  My daughter the light of my life will definitely keep me posted as to what happens.  But she has little contact as well,  more than me,  but not much.

I am so very sorry to hear you have lost faith.  Faith to me,  is something that when  things are good we feel we do not need God,  but when we have lost all hope,  it is the most comforting feeling to know that there really is someone out there,  that truly cares for us.  As a parent would,  but more complete,  He alone  knows the outcome and it time,   will show you this.  If we have faith in God we loose nothing if  there is no after life.  If we don't have faith we loose everything.  I'm not willing to take the chance.  Besides there comes a time in life when you need to someone who can feel your pain in a way no one else can.  HE DOES! I ASSURE YOU GOD DOES.  I have seen too many miracles in my own life.   Griz I will keep you in my prayers to find your way again. 
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« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2013, 05:53:43 PM »

Dear Angel,  Miracles do happen I will pray for you and son .   Wishing you all the luck in the world with your next meeting   
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Kate4queen
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« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2013, 06:02:22 PM »

I haven't seen my son since November last year when he walked out in a storm of hatred and abuse when we asked him how we could support him through his surgery. He lived 3 miles down the road at a friends house. Every interaction since then has been by email and those emails remind me just how lucky I am that he isn't physically in my face because the anger and rage that surfaces every time we won't give him exactly what he wants when he wants it is astounding.

I keep them to remind myself why we let him go.

I wish it wasn't like that, but for the safety of everyone else in the family and their mental health it was necessary.

Do I wish I could change that and have him home? Sure, but I also know that I can't change him, and that he is how he is, and until he reaches out to us we can't help him. He threw away a family that loved him unconditionally. We still love him but we can't make him part of our family unless he chooses to be part of it.

So I understand your pain, but also ask yourself-if he did come back-would things really be different or would you all fall back into the same old patterns? (nobody's fault). If you could get him back, would it have to be on your terms? Would he be willing to agree to those? Or would you be willing to go back and not speak your mind for another 20 years? There are a lot of things to think about.

Sometimes we grieve what can't be changed and that's normal because we love our kids, but I always remind myself to take a good long look at what might happen if I was back in the impossible situation we were in before which benefited neither my son nor anyone else in our family.This is not intended as a criticism of anyone, we all come to terms with what we've lost in our own ways and our own time. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I hope that all goes well for you and your son and family on your next meeting.
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2013, 07:04:34 PM »

So I understand your pain, but also ask yourself-if he did come back-would things really be different or would you all fall back into the same old patterns? (nobody's fault).

When there are 2 people in a relationship and 1 person changes then the relationship dynamic changes.  If both people change then the relationship dynamic really changes.

Who can we change? Self.  How?:

By educating ourselves about the disorder and how their behaviors serve them. 

By learning to be less emotionally reactive within the relationship.

By learning how to get our needs met outside of the relationship with our disordered children. 

By setting value based boundaries to protect self and the relationship.

By learning to communicate with them in a beneficial way.

Angeldust, do these things sound like something you are willing to work for?
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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2013, 09:08:17 PM »

Hi, angeldust1     I feel for you, and so understand your wanting a good relationship with your son     I also have an adult son (36), who is diagnosed with BPD. This past February he was hospitalized with suicidal ideations, and ended up at a Dual Diagnosis Program for 21 days, where he was finally diagnosed with the BPD that answered all his and our questions as to what had tormented him for so long... . Now here's the thing: The night he got home from the DD Program, he and I stayed up most of the night with him excitedly telling me all of the new and exciting things he had learned about his disorder, and how it had skewed his thinking and drove him to almost ruin his life. He was on fire with self-awareness and excitement and ready to start his new life knowing what he now knew about himself. But, before he finally went to sleep, he warned me: I've opened up so much to you tonight, and told you more than I probably should have; tomorrow I will probably close right up and get depressed and start detaching from you and probably be antisocial with you... .

Well, the next day it happened: Everything I thought he'd gained from his time at the DD Program seemed to have disappeared! His antisocial and detaching behavior reappeared! I was beside myself and frantic--he'd been in and out of rehab twice before in the last 4 years before this new DD Program, and I panicked. Luckily for me, the DD Program included this website with his discharge papers the day before, and I quickly went online and looked up this website, and learned everything there was on here to learn. The Workshops, Articles, Lessons, Videos; I didn't stop until I soaked up what I needed to know to be able to communicate with my son to stop the hamster wheel of me pushing every button he had, and then him reacting like the BPD guy he was     He had relapsed 2 times before; I was NOT going to let that happen again!

I didn't talk to my son much at all until I learned ALL the tools here to do it: S.E.T., DEARMAN, Validation, Radical Acceptance, etc. And do you know what? The exact minute I used the first tool (Validation) everything changed: My son came down immediately from the rage he was heading into, and talked to me like he had the day we picked him up from the DD Program! We had just the one day after he came home that was very testy and stressful, and by the 2nd day things started turning around! No bull~~these tools were MAGIC! Within a week of my reading here and learning what I had to, and doing what I had to, my son agreed to start a new Therapy for his troubles (BPD, ADD, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, Substance Abuse & Suicidal Ideations): Neurofeedback Therapy, and he is a new guy. Actually, rather: He is now the kid he was before all his troubles manifested into the DXs mentioned above. It is all good... .   Smiling (click to insert in post) (This story is not to push NFT, rather, I want to show you that MY making changes to myself moved him along.)

This afternoon he and I were having a conversation about his life and everything, and we talked (coincidentally!) about how things were when he got home, and then how things radically changed after I learned the techniques above, giving him the space to start "thinking straight." And how that made all the difference in his recovery process. He loves this site as much as I do    And he agreed that HE couldn't get better with his symptoms and behaviors, till I got better at communicating with him! Since he lives in my home it was imperative for these changes to be made for our whole family to live in peace and harmony... . But, what I want to say to you is this:

lbjnltx is very,very right... .

When there are 2 people in a relationship and 1 person changes then the relationship dynamic changes.  If both people change then the relationship dynamic really changes... .

Angeldust, do these things sound like something you are willing to work for?

Now... .

  I will be seeing him at my grandson's BD party next month.  I wonder what  kind of reaction will that elicit?     I hope and pray it will be at least respectful,   but I must be aware it probably won't.  I do know that no matter what,  our Lord says He will be with me through it all,  and that is/should be enough.  I will just hold onto that promise with all my might.

Angeld

Is there enough time for you to comb this site from corner to corner and top to bottom to get yourself ready to communicate differently with your son at that Birthday party next month, so his buttons won't get pushed and the two of you can get off that lousy hamster wheel? 

    Rapt Reader   
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angeldust1
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« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2013, 10:50:41 PM »

Wow yes, yes and yes.  To all of you who responded. I do want these positive changes to take place,  and I am working on them,  but am just not quite sure I've got them down pat.  I will do everything within my power to makes those changes come about,  and will be happy to convert,  to this new way of thinking about this situation.

I am working on validation,  and do feel that this will be the first place I start.  But I cant just start validation with" a hello how've you been?"  This will take some time,  and I don't know how much time I will have.

I am trying to be less reactive, and will be when the time comes.  But at the same time I do not want to seem uncaring.

I am learning how to get my needs met through a step son,  who loves me dearly,  continuely  puts me at ease with myself.  He tells me my son doesn't know what he is missing out on.  His mother is deceased. He does not live with us,  but before I felt guilty even allowing my self to love this boy as I do.  I now realize there is enough love to give to everyone.  I once was told that my pwBPD40 said I love my step kids more than him.  This hurt,  because it is obviously not true,  but I must say,   I like them more.  And feel much more at ease with them. 

To address, Kate4,  I do realize that yes,  if some things have not changed with in my own self,  the relationship will indeed go back to the way it was.  And that's the last thing I want,  so I must do some positive changing in how I deal with him.  I will search this site for the answers I need.

Am not real sure about what Dearman and radical acceptance are.  Can anyone direct me to where I can find the definitions at least?  Then I can work from there.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses to my post,  it is enlightening,  encouraging and most comforting.  I don't know what I'd do with out your loving support.

Angeld
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« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2013, 11:50:20 PM »

angeldust1... . Here you go. The info that has helped my son's recovery process:


TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Radical Acceptance for family members

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

How to stop circular arguments

Good reading, and good luck!  
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angeldust1
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« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2013, 07:13:58 AM »

WOW... . I'll be reading for some time.  But all so very helpful and insightful.  This has given me a whole new understanding of what is happening.  Thanks so much,  and I will most definitely explore all of these aspects at every opportunity.  To be enlightened, is to empowered! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2013, 09:47:16 PM »

To be enlightened, is to empowered! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Yeah, angeldust1... . that is exactly what I found, and though the road isn't always the easiest, and it may take longer than any of us want it to, the light is definitely better than the confusion and frustration of the darkness of not understanding.     I know you will eventually find peace... .

I'm following your "circular arguments" post/thread, and my goodness how hard you are trying to understand how to live this life with your son~~regardless of the way he reacts to you. I see so much happening with you, yourself, that I know you'll be OK, no matter what your son decides to do with his life. You go, girl 

  Rapt Reader
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angeldust1
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« Reply #11 on: July 05, 2013, 11:27:45 PM »

Thank you Rapt,

I am trying so hard to understand because I have been in the dark for so long,  it is so freeing to feel a bit of encouragement,  even it doesn't take hold for some time,  or even... . not at all.  I am protecting myself,  and hope he can one day see that.   If not,  I will at least be happy with the outcome if only for myself.
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« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2013, 11:53:31 AM »

I will be praying for you . Faith is so important during all times in life, but especially with out children even if they are adults. I am so sorry for your pain. I would like a relationship with my son also. It is so hard to talk to him. I tried validation. I don't know what rapt reader posted about S.E.T., DEARMAN, and radical acceptance is but it sounds worth a try if he would let you in.
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« Reply #13 on: July 06, 2013, 12:05:43 PM »

Thank you Rapt,

I am trying so hard to understand because I have been in the dark for so long,  it is so freeing to feel a bit of encouragement,  even it doesn't take hold for some time,  or even... . not at all.  I am protecting myself,  and hope he can one day see that.   If not,  I will at least be happy with the outcome if only for myself.

You're welcome, angeldust1... . Getting out of the dark and into the light with regards to dealing with our children with BPD is really half the battle; the second half is applying our new communication techniques as best we can so that we allow room for them to react differently to us... . I'm proud of how hard you are trying, and I'm rooting for you!

mindhelp: I don't know what rapt reader posted about S.E.T., DEARMAN, and radical acceptance is but it sounds worth a try if he would let you in. 

If you click on the links (highlighted in blue) in my reply to angeldust1 you will find the information on these important tools of communication; believe me~~it has changed the way I communicate with everyone in my life, especially my family members with BPD or BPD traits... . Good luck to you, and I hope your relationship with your son improves... .

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