Unraveling my vulnerable child that is now a young adult with BPD

[qcarolr]

This thread is here on the supporting our kids board because we are all parents of BPDkids and often involved and concerned about how our grandkids are impacted by this.

I have been reading lots of research based articles and books over the past 7 months. Many to help me in parenting my gd8 that has lived with dh and I since birth. DD27 has been in and out - primary caregiver until 8 months. Daddy out of the picture at 6 weeks other than contributing to the domestic violence aspects of r/s with DD just prior that 8th month.

As I have read, it takes me back to my parenting of DD, adopted at 3 weeks. A difficult baby/child from that first night. I can see the impact on this very vulnerable child (temperament - genetic tendency) of my own struggles. There were PTSD and major depression issues/bipolar II undiagnosed until she was nearly 4. Then a many years path of treatment/no treatment and the trial and error of meds. and therapies. In the studies there are similarities in these dx with parents (mom's in studies) with BPD.

The interventions from the analyses of many studies is leading toward recommending for mothers and family members with BPD  attachment therapy and "psychoeducatoin regarding child development and good parenting practices and skills for providing consistent warmth and monitoring, including mindfulness-based parenting stategies".

These are so similar to the skills and tools that we pursue here at bpdfamily.com as non-BPD parents of our kids, and grandkids.

Hopeful that we can help provide new paths to prevent BPD in the future generations. There is so much hope. I lose touch with this so often.

I am searching to find the clarity to pull together review of some of these articles in the next few weeks. This focus is helping lead me out of a depression that is impacting every one in my family - most especially gd8.

Gotta go get gd8 out of the dark backyard barking at the coyotes inside out tall fence. Can I really face doing this parenting of a difficult, vulnerable child again?

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

qcr,

have you read the book "Primal Wound"? Someone was discussing it here on the board. So, I got it out of curiosity. It's a wonderful book that describes very well what a trauma it is for any child that gets separated from their birth-mother and adopted out. And also the parenting issues of the adopted parents, how they feel helpless and incompetent sometimes - even though their child's problems are caused by that trauma of separation that has nothing to do with the adopted parents' parenting abilities... .

It describes so well, so many issues adopted children have. Including trust and anger issues... .

I think this would be a wonderful thread to include that on. What do you think?

[six]

My DS25 is my oldest and he is the one with BPD.  However, when I first started learning about BPD (From Valerie Porr) I was told to look out for signs/symptoms in my other children.  Sure enough, I see many of the warning signs in my DD8.  She is prone to fits, has to get her way all the time, drives her older siblings nuts, cant seem to maintain a friendship, hates school and has no friends, has trouble falling asleep, blames every one else for her problems and can never see her role in any issue.  I started to panic when I thought of what I might be in for with her. 

I have become very proactive with her.  I enrolled her in a social skills class, bought tons of books for her on social skills, spend a lot of time validating her emotions, and trying to help her see things from another perspective.  Bec she is 8, she is fairly receptive to what I am doing.  Valerie believes that if these things are "caught" early, they can be reversed by teaching DBT methodology from a young age.   

QC, you are a totally different "mom" this time around.  Granted  you are more tired but you are armed with so much info that will help your GD.  We might not be able to re-wire their brains, but I believe that the skills and knowledge that we have will make the road easier for these younger kids.

wishing you peace

6

[qcarolr]

pessio - I will download this book to read.  From other research I have been reading, I think this is but one aspect of an adopted child ending up with a mental illness. I do think there is a strong genetic link related to vulnerability that sets a child up to be less adaptable and resilient in every aspect of their life.

six - I totally agree that the earlier we can be proactive in supporting the development of our kids, esp. those with a vulnerable temperament, the better path and potential for a 'good life' they have. This requires the care-givers at a very very early age to provide a consistent, validating, safe environment.

As parents we cannot be perfect, and applying the knowledge can be hard when we get less rewards from our parenting experience. I hope to see more widespread availabity of parenting support the psychoeducation piece. This would incorporate aspects of DBT and mindfulness at the core.  The P.A.C.E. model is a really successful one. There is a book review for this at:

Creating Loving Attachments    https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195443.0

qcr  

[qcarolr]

pessio - they don't have this on kindle so I have to wait for my budget to catch up a bit to get it. Will keep on my reading list.

qcr

[pessim-optimist]

qcr, have you tried your local library? They have inter-library loan programs that can get you a book from just about anywhere in the US, so I usually get all my books free... .

And - I agree - there is a strong genetic component. Many adopted children grow up w/out big problems, they all tend to have the same issues, though (the difference is in the intensity and if/how well they overcome them)... . I was fascinated to find out that many of the issues can lead/contribute to BPD if the child develops poor coping skills.