Will BPD mom have push-pull cycles and splitting with her children

[A Dad]

I am still with my wife but since my question is related to parenting, I thought I will post it here.

How likely is it that a BPD mom will show the same push-pull cycle and splitting towards her children as she does in her marriage?

I found out that my wife was having an affair around 6 months ago, which is stopped at the moment. It seemed that right after the discovery, every thing I was doing was horrible - I made her feel bad, I did not understand her, I was bad in bed, I was chewing too loud, I was swallowing my drinks too loudly! And the affair partner was the best thing ever... just like I was at the start of our relationship.

My two boys are 1.5 and 3.5. And she adores them. My only problem with her parenting at the moment is that she sets no boundaries for them - they eat wherever they want, whenever they want. The little one is never refused any food or drink he asks for - so if my wife's having some cola or coffee and he asks for it, he gets a little bit. I refuse and he has learnt that from me he won't get whatever he wants. etc. etc. My other problem is that she has a lot of energy and time to do fun things with them, but sometimes the basic needs get ignored - their diapers won't get changed for hours if they haven't pooped. No special effort is made to put them in bed at a fixed time for a nap etc. So, all in all, pretty manageable at the moment. It is only rarely that she gets angry at them or yells at them, which is quite normal.

My question is - is this part of her honeymoon phase with the boys? Will they be facing what I am facing today in a few years time - feeling that they can't make their mother happy no matter what they do, or being compared with other children etc. etc.?

Can people with experience in this shed some light on how a borderline mother's relationship may change with her children as they get older?

[david]

We have two boys together. XBPDw left 5 plus years ago. Everything is conflict with her and me. I only communicate through email. I have over a thousand emails, in the last 5 years, the majority which tell me what is wrong with me. I reply only when there is something involving the kids.

Pur oldest, now 14, was a golden child and, according to ex, the most brilliant boy she ever seen. He could do no wrong. When he turned around 12 he became a "very disrespectful, ungrateful child". He refused to listen to her. Interpretation, he began to think and express himself. Our youngest was, for a large part, ignored when he was an infant by his mom. She did the minimum compared to our first born. When the oldest turned around 12 ex started paying more attention to the youngest. Not by much but I did notice a difference. I had no physical contact with ex but from listening to the boys and reading her emails I saw a difference. Youngest is now 10 and she is again distancing herself from him. He is now expressing himself and has more confidence then ever before. I take credit for that. Ex had him diagnosed with a learning disabilty in kindergarten. It was BS and it took me two years to get the school to see what was going on. Last year they dropped his IEP and put him in their accelerated program. He excelled and that is when his confidence soared. He tested in the top 1% of the nation in math,logic, and chemistry. He does over 90% of his homework when he is with me even though ex has primary custody.

My ex demands complete obedience or you are the problem. Since she has unraveled she has alienated three of her siblings and their families. She has also alienated one of her own sons from her first marriage. I will not go near her without a video recorder in order to protect myself. She is pushing our two boys away and unless she changes I see that distance only getting greater. I didn't cause it and I can't fix it.

Remember, BPD is a disorder that effects relationships. The push-pull and splitting is "normal" for someone with BPD.

[mamachelle]

Hi adad,

I think the relationship with a BPD mom or any mom changes as a child gets older-- as david is describing. Your children will experience different variations on what you have as a husband over time. I am a Non remarried to a NonH and we both have exBPD spouses that we are parenting 5 kids with. Our kids all have different personalities, abilities, levels of mental health -- and as they have gotten older we have seen different variations on the relationships. Some of our children have better coping skills than others. There is no way to predict what BPDMom or Dad will do and how the relationship will end up.

Here are a few links on this subject:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting

What to Tell the Kids About a High-Conflict Co-Parent

What we focus on here is helping the children to cope, at any age, with the BPD parent and also on better ways that we can parent as well. I hope this helps answer your questions.

mamachelle

[momtara]

I have been wondering this too.  My kids are also very young.  I think it's different for everyone, and you'll have to wait and see.  But the examples above are worth noting.

What I worry about a bit is that your wife isn't setting boundaries, which in the long run may make you look like the bad guy.  But kids tend to figure things out as they get older.  Just be the good, solid, reliable guy.  I hope it works out for you and that things continue to stay manageable with your wife.

[A Dad]

Hi all. Thank you for replies.

It is still early days for me. The workshop describing BPD behaviors was good. I will be watchful for any of these signs.

David, good to hear how well your children are doing. That is what I hope to do for my boys... that is one thing that will make it all worth it in the end .