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Author Topic: "A Fresh Start" - any support welcomed greatly  (Read 485 times)
PhoenixRising15
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Posts: 164


« on: September 14, 2013, 02:44:03 PM »

I'm writing here feeling complete desperation.

My story can be found elsewhere on this board.

Most lately, the ex reeled me back in to contact, and asked for a fresh start, the caveat was she wanted to be pseudo single for 3 months while we were separated and had minimum contact.  I say pseudo single because she had agreed to not sleep with anyone else and wanted to have the option to call me if she was in a compromising position where she may want to kiss someone.

I validated her position, took myself out of the first person and described my situation from a third person perspective and asked her as a friend what I should do.

I said I could not emotionally support someone that wanted to be physically intimate in any way with other men, and have contact occassionally, only when she wanted it.

I gave her an ultimatum, which may have been a no-no, but I described it well.

I said, I know you are having a tough time and need space to figure yourself out right now.  I am committed to giving you as much space as you need.  I have minimum commitments of loyalty, honestly, and consistency in order to be able to offer you the emotional support you want from me.  I want to talk once per week, a date night so to speak.  I told her that it would be easier that way than sporadically, so I would not always have to ask, "have you slept with anyone, what are you doing? etc etc?"... .I simply stated, we either have our fresh start right now, or we walk in our separate directions.  I am not going to wait around for you to decide you want to commit to me.  I meant it, and I was ready to go full bore NC (move, change my number, all contact info, email addresses, etc) and she knew it.

She reluctantly agreed, saying she didn't want to lose me and would do anything not to.  She said she didn't think this was the best decision for her right now.  I've read other places that when pwBPD encounter boundaries they will resist because it is difficult for them to change.  I don't think this was controling, rather I set a boundary of what I need and I am allowing her to feel the pain and difficulty of dealing with it.

She said she was afraid of losing herself in me, and I told her that fear can't be overcome by seeing other people (invalidating i know), but rather by actually being with me and dealing with her setting boundaries.  I told her I supported her in taking the space she needed and I was commited to helping her set boundaries and get some space (good for both of us to do! I NEED SPACE FROM HER! She can drive me NUTS sometimes... .)

It would just be a slow building of a relationship and getting to know her.  The only reason I agreed to any of this is because she has FINALLY sought therapy and has made huge strides in only a few weeks (happened after our breakup to my complete surprise as I begged her for months to seek help).  I am amazed that so many of the things we discussed and I suggested to her and tried to help her see, she only finally internalized when someone else said it.  It would make me so angry if it didnt cause me to laugh.  That's just her stubborn nature.

I'm scared.   I'm scared because she got angry at me one night while we were broken up and trying to reconcile and slept with another guy.  I'm scared because she kissed three guys on her trip after promising me I was the only man she wanted and not to worry (but, fairly we did not have boundaries for her behavior set up and she apologized).

I'm scared because we are going to be long distance and I won't know what she is really doing.

I really do think the space and slowness is important for both of us.  She has admitted to being paranoid (afraid all the time) and depressed (sad all the time).  She says she needs space to build herself up and when I am with her, she completely loses herself in me and puts me first (mirroring).

So I know she does need some space to firm up her sense of identity.

I'm taking good care of myself.  Started working out again, trying to regularize my schedule.  build support of my friends back again (she isolated me).  I'm learning all I can about this disease.

As anyone who has posted on the staying board knows, it's not all bad or we wouldn't be here.  I've reconciled the good and bad parts of her to realize they are both her and neither is her.  I understand that's the nature of the disease.  Not idealizing her, or her mirroring of me, having a firm sense of self.

She's said repeatedly I can contact her whenever I want, but she thinks contact should be limited.  I'm trying to navigate that fine line of object constancy and losing my self esteem constantly sending out reminders of my love to her.

Every time she says she loves me she expects me to say it back.  She says she gets worried and keeps track when I don't because it sends her spiraling down "He can't love me, he can't say it anymore, he doesn't love me".  But sometimes I'd just like to hear I love you and not have to say it back.  Not hear it and know that she's using it to hear I love you.

I've bought and read I hate you don't leave me, and Stop walking on eggshells, and co-dependent no more and every lesson on this board.

Any tips, suggestions, or anything, especially on re-building a relationship slowly long distance would be greatly appreciated.

Part of me thinks the long distance is going to make this bad.  I've got to deal with my own paranoia and anxiety around her cheating on me.  The other part thinks long distance is the best thing possible because it allows her to build her independent sense of self and gives me reprieve to work on myself. It's ironic because she recently said, when we get back I don't think we should spend 24/7 together, when I was always the one asking for space and she was sucking me in.

If any of you out there have anything to say, or even a brief word of support it would be greatly appreciated.  I'm trying to wipe the slate clean and let go of my resentment and fear, but I'm struggling.

Thanks for listening.
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bombdiffuser

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 21


« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2013, 06:03:21 PM »

Best of luck to you, sounds like a tough situation, however at least she says she loves you.  I haven't heard "I love you" in at least a year from my dBPDw who lives in a seperate room and cheats on me. As far as advice, I don't have any, that is why I also post here, but at least remind yourself that you are lucky to have love, no matter how messed up it is.
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Iolair

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 20



« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2013, 10:10:17 AM »

Hi QuestioningFaith,

I agree with bombdefuser, that sure sounds like a tough situation. I just wanted you to know that I read your story and I can hear your pain.

My only thought for you is that you cannot control her, which means you can't keep her from cheating on you. That's her choice and hers alone. All you can do is choose how you react to it. If you want a future in which you trust her, you have to start trusting her. What she does with that trust is, again, up to her. Regular questioning about her behavior does not equal trust. I know it's hard, I speak as someone who was cheated on in a previous relationship. I can relate to why and how you struggle with it. I wish you much strength in working on yourself, as you've already said you know you need the space to do so.

I'm still new to the forum, so I hope I haven't spoken out of turn at all. Just wanted you to know that I heard you.
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PhoenixRising15
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164


« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2013, 04:36:07 PM »

I've got to post on here because it is the only thing that keeps me sane right now.

I have come to a place where I've integrated the good and the bad sides of her, or at least really committed myself to that process.

Now she is off abroad on her own.

She was exceptionally nice the first night we talked.  Then after setting some boundaries about me not taking on her stuff (I reflected instead of sponged)... .She has been more distant. 

I know this may be an extinction burst.  Or something.

I gently said, hey I like to hear from you more often.  She claimed her phone was out of data so she couldn't text me, but she also previously told me that she could.  Instead of confronting her about this "lie", I gently asked hey when do you get that data plan you told me about, I like to hear from you =)

I've been sick over her behavior the past two days.  granted she is settling in to a foreign country, I feel totally objectified.  She called me when she needed me, I supported, empathized and reflected, and now she's off having fun in a pub with a bunch of people not saying anything about her missing me.

I don't know how to raise this issue, or if I should, or if its fleas, or codependence...

Daily, I'm taking back more of myself, its just hard to get used to this new phase without the love bombing and idealization.

Thoughts?
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PhoenixRising15
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164


« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2013, 10:24:17 PM »

Just posting on here to say things are going well, at least in my recovery.

Had a conversation tonight with gf.

Told her, I really like when you text me in the mornings.  It helps me feel loved, builds my trust, and my respect for you.

She said, Now I feel like I have to do that all the time or you'll leave me.

BUT the big positive of the whole thing was... .she realized she was very tired and reacting wrongly (her words).  She actually said, can we talk about this tomorrow.

I reinforced her as much as I could, saying yes, thank you for telling me.  I think thats a wonderful idea.

A glimmer of hope in a deep dark sea of pain.

At first, I took it the worst way possible.  Now I've triggered her, she's going to resent me etc etc.

Then I reminded myself, I asked for what I want.  I validated her emotions.  I'm letting her be her, and me be me. 

I dont feel bad for asking for what I want (or I'm trying not to right now... .so hard... .just trying not to feel bad just for asking for a simple token of affection).

There is hope.  Some.  Tiny.  Glimmer.
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Scarlet Phoenix
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 9 years
Posts: 1155



« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2013, 08:32:02 AM »

Then I reminded myself, I asked for what I want.  I validated her emotions.  I'm letting her be her, and me be me. 

I dont feel bad for asking for what I want (or I'm trying not to right now... .so hard... .just trying not to feel bad just for asking for a simple token of affection).

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

This is good! Taking the Lessons (on the right) and the tools and putting them to good use.

Where are you regarding the fact that she slept with one man and kissed three others?

What are the boundaries you have?

Is there one specific behaviour or approach you would like input on? It can sometimes open up for more answers if we are specific in keeping the post to one topic/behaviour.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
PhoenixRising15
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164


« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2013, 03:02:10 PM »

The fresh start was a set up.  Again.

She literally could not keep from lying for 5 minutes.

She said please call me, i tried to call but I can't. She told me that she couldn't call or text because her phone was broken.  Internet was down all over her campus, and there was no where to go to get it.  Yet somehow she got an email to me asking me to call.

I got the email about 2 hours later.  I called her.  The call went through to her voicemail twice.

I texted her to see if she was ok.

Turns out she was out at a bar and just ignored my calls.  Then she got angry at me.  More hit tests.  More lies.  More manipulation.  More secrecy.  More resentment.  I can't take it any more.  The tangled web of lies this girl weaves is too exhausting for a normal person to keep up with.  I'll never know the truth.   And she damn sure isn't a big enough person to tell me.

I've learned a lot here.

I've learned that I cannot, no matter how carefully I phrase things, no matter how many eggshells I walk on, no matter how delicate I am, ever have a real relationship with this girl. I use that term very specifically.  She is truly a child in a woman's body.  Her childish reactions have very adult repercussions.

I've learned that I can only be treated as badly as I let myself.

I've learned that my parents did not ever provide me unconditional love and support.

I've learned that I unconsciously seek that in relationships, and I will not find it.

I've learned that I have a huge capacity for love and forgiveness.

I've learned that I have difficulty setting boundaries.

I've learned that not all people are like me.

I've learned that the way people act and what they say are two entirely different things.

I've learned that talk is cheap.

I've learned that some people will say absolutely anything to get what they want.

I've learned that I won't sell my integrity in the heat of the moment.

I've learned that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol.

I've learned that others are powerless over drugs and alcohol.

I've learned that I am the only who can hurt my mind.  Only I can torture myself.

I'm sure there are many more lessons, but I'll save them for the leaving board.  I tried everything I can, and now I'm trying to save myself from any more pain and heartbreak.

My goal is 2.5 years of No Contact.  I've heard that 10% of your life is a good time to let the heart heal.

Maybe then I'll take her calls.

Until then, I might post some on the Leaving Board.
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Scarlet Phoenix
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 9 years
Posts: 1155



« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2013, 03:12:51 PM »

QuestioningFaith, I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well 

I wish you all the best for you journey forward, and know that you're always welcome back to the Staying board should your situation change.
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
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